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My secret divorce (1 Viewer)

sartre

sartre

Footballguy
It's been almost six months since I learned of my wife's affair. We had been together a little more than 10 years, and have three young kids. She is totally repentant and wants desperately to make things work. I was dizzy the last few months. Now that the dust has settled, and I have mentally stabilized, I am realizing I probably won't ever love her again.

Has anyone here made it work with a spouse who cheated?

If not for the kids, we would split for sure. My biggest fear is what my daughters would learn from Mommy's behavior if she were unchained. Actually, my biggest fear is an Adrian Peterson kind of scenario. I think the kids are safer if we stay together. Where I live, custody would be 50/50.

I did file for divorce. I can't call her my wife and be able to look at myself in the mirror. But I told her she could stay and I'd give her another chance; rather, give a chance to the "new person" she says that she is. So in a few weeks we will be secretly unmarried.

 
sartre said:
It's been almost six months since I learned of my wife's affair. We had been together a little more than 10 years, and have three young kids. She is totally repentant and wants desperately to make things work. I was dizzy the last few months. Now that the dust has settled, and I have mentally stabilized, I am realizing I probably won't ever love her again.

Has anyone here made it work with a spouse who cheated?

If not for the kids, we would split for sure. My biggest fear is what my daughters would learn from Mommy's behavior if she were unchained. Actually, my biggest fear is an Adrian Peterson kind of scenario. I think the kids are safer if we stay together. Where I live, custody would be 50/50.

I did file for divorce. I can't call her my wife and be able to look at myself in the mirror. But I told her she could stay and I'd give her another chance; rather, give a chance to the "new person" she says that she is. So in a few weeks we will be secretly unmarried.
Click to expand...
Ummm...I don't think you can do that.

 
So you are going to divorce, but still stay together with the "new woman" that's actually your wife?

:confused:

 
sartre said:
Baloney Sandwich said:
How did you find out?
Click to expand...
Progressive Snapshot. Not kidding.
Click to expand...
I logged in one time to see if we were saving any money, found that it logs all of your car trips and you can view online. No locations, but times and distances traveled.

I had some suspicions. She told me she had an important work meeting and asked that I skip work to stay home with our sick daughter. I checked Progressive's site and found a record of a trip around lunchtime, about 20 minutes after it was logged. I called her cell immediately and she didn't answer. I called again, no answer. 15 minutes later she told me she was just leaving Kohl's. I knew right then.

 
I am missing something. When you get divorced, you file papers and it gets taken care of in front of a judge. How can you just unilaterally say, "I am done" and have no legal proceedings?

Sucks to have small ones and a wife that is playing around.

 
Sorry to hear it man.

I can't fathom my wife cheating on me, but I have come to the point in my life that I'd stay with her if she came clean and never did it again. I think I love her enough to get through it, but man would it be tough.

Hard to say what I'd do exactly. T&P, man.

 
Sorry to hear that, GB.

I stayed with my wife after I learned of her affair almost three years ago. I was going to get a divorce but decided to keep trying. If therre weren't two kids involved, I would have been gone.

We're in a better place now, but the marriage is nowhere near as solid as it was prior to the whole thing. There are still times when I find myself thinking I made the wrong decision staying with her. So, while it can be done, don't be surprised if things are just too different for you to bear.

I've got a friend who stayed with her husband for 6 years after his affair, but she eventually divorced him over it. She just wasn't able to handle it anymore.

 
sartre said:
sartre said:
Baloney Sandwich said:
How did you find out?
Click to expand...
Progressive Snapshot. Not kidding.
Click to expand...
I logged in one time to see if we were saving any money, found that it logs all of your car trips and you can view online. No locations, but times and distances traveled.

I had some suspicions. She told me she had an important work meeting and asked that I skip work to stay home with our sick daughter. I checked Progressive's site and found a record of a trip around lunchtime, about 20 minutes after it was logged. I called her cell immediately and she didn't answer. I called again, no answer. 15 minutes later she told me she was just leaving Kohl's. I knew right then.
Click to expand...
I don't get it. How do you know she wasn't just running an errand at Kohl's over lunch?

And no, "running an errand at Kohl's" isn't a euphemism.

 
Patriotsfatboy1 said:
I am missing something. When you get divorced, you file papers and it gets taken care of in front of a judge. How can you just unilaterally say, "I am done" and have no legal proceedings?

Sucks to have small ones and a wife that is playing around.
Click to expand...
In my state, if both parties are on board, you file some paperwork, wait 90 days, then provide a final signature. Marriage undone.

 
While it might be tough , you should focus not on her affair but what you failed to do as a husband that forced her to seek out another man.

 
sartre said:
Patriotsfatboy1 said:
I am missing something. When you get divorced, you file papers and it gets taken care of in front of a judge. How can you just unilaterally say, "I am done" and have no legal proceedings?

Sucks to have small ones and a wife that is playing around.
Click to expand...
In my state, if both parties are on board, you file some paperwork, wait 90 days, then provide a final signature. Marriage undone.
Click to expand...
OK. I get that part of it. I thought that she was unaware that you would be divorced. You both know what is going on, but are not telling other people.

 
IvanKaramazov said:
sartre said:
sartre said:
Baloney Sandwich said:
How did you find out?
Click to expand...
Progressive Snapshot. Not kidding.
Click to expand...
I logged in one time to see if we were saving any money, found that it logs all of your car trips and you can view online. No locations, but times and distances traveled.

I had some suspicions. She told me she had an important work meeting and asked that I skip work to stay home with our sick daughter. I checked Progressive's site and found a record of a trip around lunchtime, about 20 minutes after it was logged. I called her cell immediately and she didn't answer. I called again, no answer. 15 minutes later she told me she was just leaving Kohl's. I knew right then.
Click to expand...
I don't get it. How do you know she wasn't just running an errand at Kohl's over lunch?

And no, "running an errand at Kohl's" isn't a euphemism.
Click to expand...
No one spends less than an hr at Kohl's.

NO ONE.

 
MikeIke said:
Sorry to hear that, GB.

I stayed with my wife after I learned of her affair almost three years ago. I was going to get a divorce but decided to keep trying. If therre weren't two kids involved, I would have been gone.

We're in a better place now, but the marriage is nowhere near as solid as it was prior to the whole thing. There are still times when I find myself thinking I made the wrong decision staying with her. So, while it can be done, don't be surprised if things are just too different for you to bear.

I've got a friend who stayed with her husband for 6 years after his affair, but she eventually divorced him over it. She just wasn't able to handle it anymore.
Click to expand...
Thanks Mike, this especially is the kind of feedback I'm most interested in. Honestly I feel rather hopeless about the situation. I'm over the most of the pain and despair at this point though. Thinking about my kids above all else.

 
Wow this is a sucky way to start a weekend. What do you hope to gain by staying together in the same household. Do you think that you will be able to get back together at some point?

 
IvanKaramazov said:
sartre said:
sartre said:
Baloney Sandwich said:
How did you find out?
Click to expand...
Progressive Snapshot. Not kidding.
Click to expand...
I logged in one time to see if we were saving any money, found that it logs all of your car trips and you can view online. No locations, but times and distances traveled.

I had some suspicions. She told me she had an important work meeting and asked that I skip work to stay home with our sick daughter. I checked Progressive's site and found a record of a trip around lunchtime, about 20 minutes after it was logged. I called her cell immediately and she didn't answer. I called again, no answer. 15 minutes later she told me she was just leaving Kohl's. I knew right then.
Click to expand...
I don't get it. How do you know she wasn't just running an errand at Kohl's over lunch?

And no, "running an errand at Kohl's" isn't a euphemism.
Click to expand...
She had no bags.

And after 3 hours of interrogation later that night, she finally admitted it.

 
What are the logistics of how this will work? Are you sleeping together? Are you both allowed to date other people?

 
Last edited by a moderator:
SacramentoBob said:
sartre said:
SacramentoBob said:
How do you secretly unmarry someone?
Click to expand...
It will be on public record, of course. But we don't expect anyone in our family to be browsing those.

We're not telling our families, and only a couple very close friends will know.
Click to expand...
So you're going to pretend to be married. Interesting. Keeping the wedding ring on? You gonna date other women?
Click to expand...
She's keeping her ring on. I stopped wearing mine, but put it on for family events. We really don't want our families knowing, because that would make birthday parties really tough. My side would despise her.

 
fatguyinalittlecoat said:
What are the logistics of how this will work? Are you sleeping together? Are you both allowed to date other people?
Click to expand...
Still sleeping together. Neither dating anyone else. I don't have any interest yet, and she is genuine in her desire to fix things (for now, anyway).

 
sartre said:
SacramentoBob said:
sartre said:
SacramentoBob said:
How do you secretly unmarry someone?
Click to expand...
It will be on public record, of course. But we don't expect anyone in our family to be browsing those.

We're not telling our families, and only a couple very close friends will know.
Click to expand...
So you're going to pretend to be married. Interesting. Keeping the wedding ring on? You gonna date other women?
Click to expand...
She's keeping her ring on. I stopped wearing mine, but put it on for family events. We really don't want our families knowing, because that would make birthday parties really tough. My side would despise her.
Click to expand...
This charade won't last longer than 6 months. You either have to commit to fixing things or just go separate ways. You can't fake it.

 
OC Zed said:
sartre said:
SacramentoBob said:
sartre said:
SacramentoBob said:
How do you secretly unmarry someone?
Click to expand...
It will be on public record, of course. But we don't expect anyone in our family to be browsing those.

We're not telling our families, and only a couple very close friends will know.
Click to expand...
So you're going to pretend to be married. Interesting. Keeping the wedding ring on? You gonna date other women?
Click to expand...
She's keeping her ring on. I stopped wearing mine, but put it on for family events. We really don't want our families knowing, because that would make birthday parties really tough. My side would despise her.
Click to expand...
This charade won't last longer than 6 months. You either have to commit to fixing things or just go separate ways. You can't fake it.
Click to expand...
Well luckily it's just a huge fishing trip and a load of crap.

 
Are you going to be forced to pay allimony? Child support? I get the 50/50 custody thing, but unless you both make an identical ammount, wouldn't there be child support to pay?

 
If this is serious though, no way I could be intimate again. She's tainted. All I could think about is the other guy banging her, and I'd feel like the biggest chump ever. And I'd assume she's getting a piece every time she's away from the house for more than an hour. Anyone who can regain trust in this kind of scenario, my hat's off to you. I couldn't do it.

 
sartre said:
SacramentoBob said:
How do you secretly unmarry someone?
Click to expand...
It will be on public record, of course. But we don't expect anyone in our family to be browsing those.

We're not telling our families, and only a couple very close friends will know.
Click to expand...
But you're still going to live together, raise the kids together, and no one is going to know?

So what's the point other than paying more in taxes?

 
MikeIke said:
OC Zed said:
sartre said:
SacramentoBob said:
How do you secretly unmarry someone?
Click to expand...
It will be on public record, of course. But we don't expect anyone in our family to be browsing those.

We're not telling our families, and only a couple very close friends will know.
Click to expand...
Have you thought about couple's therapy? It can do wonders, seriously.
Click to expand...
:goodposting:

If you plan on giving it a shot, you MUST do this.
Click to expand...
We started that about 10 days after my discovery. Had about 10 sessions, and just this week I started my own (not sure how long that will last). I think they are moderately helpful, though afterwards I usually feel worse.

 
McGarnicle said:
If this is serious though, no way I could be intimate again. She's tainted. All I could think about is the other guy banging her, and I'd feel like the biggest chump ever. And I'd assume she's getting a piece every time she's away from the house for more than an hour. Anyone who can regain trust in this kind of scenario, my hat's off to you. I couldn't do it.
Click to expand...
Yeah, I don't know that I could do this either. How do you get over that distrust?

 
McGarnicle said:
If this is serious though, no way I could be intimate again. She's tainted. All I could think about is the other guy banging her, and I'd feel like the biggest chump ever. And I'd assume she's getting a piece every time she's away from the house for more than an hour. Anyone who can regain trust in this kind of scenario, my hat's off to you. I couldn't do it.
Click to expand...
I'd be leaning this way too

I love my kids but if my wife was unfaithful - I just dont think I could ever forgive her and it'd be impossible to give her any trust again; I would need to move on, rather than put on a charade.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
(HULK) said:
Are you going to be forced to pay allimony? Child support? I get the 50/50 custody thing, but unless you both make an identical ammount, wouldn't there be child support to pay?
Click to expand...
She isn't going to seek either. We're pretty close in salary anyway.

 
McGarnicle said:
If this is serious though, no way I could be intimate again. She's tainted. All I could think about is the other guy banging her, and I'd feel like the biggest chump ever. And I'd assume she's getting a piece every time she's away from the house for more than an hour. Anyone who can regain trust in this kind of scenario, my hat's off to you. I couldn't do it.
Click to expand...
This is how I feel. And imagine you also knew that she didn't bother to use protection of any kind. I'm totally disgusted every time I think about it.

But then, the kids.

 
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