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play date etiquette - how to politely decline.....


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#1 Nigel

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:16 AM

A month ago the mom of a kid in my son's kindegarten class called to ask if my son wanted to come over to their house after school for a couple of hours for a play date (yeah, I hate the term too, but it's what everyone calls it). It was kind of out of the blue because Charlie (my kid) never talks about Cole, but he's a friendly little guy who gets along with most kids so he said "sure, I'll go." So he went and while he didn't say he had a bad time, I could tell he wasn't all that into Cole. At this point we should have cut ties but as parents there is almost an implied obligation to reciprocate on these things. So we asked Charlie if he wanted to have Cole over some time, and agreeable fella that he is, he said sure. So a couple of weeks later the little nerd came over. My wife oversaw the visit and said they had absolutely nothing in common, basically played on their own for two hours, and then Cole went home. After this play date gone bad Charlie made it clear that while Cole is a nice enough kid, he had no interest in future get-togethers.Now this just came from Cole's mom:

Subject: Playdate?Hi Nigel-I hope you guys had a good vacation. We did, but I confess that I was glad for school to start again ;> Cole was wondering if Charlie wanted to come over for a playdate soon. Next Tuesday is an early release day (1pm) and would work well for us. Or this coming Thursday. Maybe for 2 hours or so? Let me know what Charlie would like to do!Cole's Mom

How do we tactfully get the point across that there is no love connection here?



#2 Dr Zoidberg

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:18 AM

A month ago the mom of a kid in my son's kindegarten class called to ask if my son wanted to come over to their house after school for a couple of hours for a play date (yeah, I hate the term too, but it's what everyone calls it). It was kind of out of the blue because Charlie (my kid) never talks about Cole, but he's a friendly little guy who gets along with most kids so he said "sure, I'll go." So he went and while he didn't say he had a bad time, I could tell he wasn't all that into Cole. At this point we should have cut ties but as parents there is almost an implied obligation to reciprocate on these things. So we asked Charlie if he wanted to have Cole over some time, and agreeable fella that he is, he said sure. So a couple of weeks later the little nerd came over. My wife oversaw the visit and said they had absolutely nothing in common, basically played on their own for two hours, and then Cole went home. After this play date gone bad Charlie made it clear that while Cole is a nice enough kid, he had no interest in future get-togethers.Now this just came from Cole's mom:


Subject: Playdate?Hi Nigel-I hope you guys had a good vacation. We did, but I confess that I was glad for school to start again ;> Cole was wondering if Charlie wanted to come over for a playdate soon. Next Tuesday is an early release day (1pm) and would work well for us. Or this coming Thursday. Maybe for 2 hours or so? Let me know what Charlie would like to do!Cole's Mom

How do we tactfully get the point across that there is no love connection here?

Tell them its not safe because because your son is on xanax and wine and might tear the kids face off and eat his hands.

#3 Balance

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:18 AM

ignore it or give in and do it... then don't reciprocate

#4 Gamblor

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:23 AM

A month ago the mom of a kid in my son's kindegarten class called to ask if my son wanted to come over to their house after school for a couple of hours for a play date (yeah, I hate the term too, but it's what everyone calls it). It was kind of out of the blue because Charlie (my kid) never talks about Cole, but he's a friendly little guy who gets along with most kids so he said "sure, I'll go." So he went and while he didn't say he had a bad time, I could tell he wasn't all that into Cole. At this point we should have cut ties but as parents there is almost an implied obligation to reciprocate on these things. So we asked Charlie if he wanted to have Cole over some time, and agreeable fella that he is, he said sure. So a couple of weeks later the little nerd came over. My wife oversaw the visit and said they had absolutely nothing in common, basically played on their own for two hours, and then Cole went home. After this play date gone bad Charlie made it clear that while Cole is a nice enough kid, he had no interest in future get-togethers.Now this just came from Cole's mom:



Subject: Playdate?Hi Nigel-I hope you guys had a good vacation. We did, but I confess that I was glad for school to start again ;> Cole was wondering if Charlie wanted to come over for a playdate soon. Next Tuesday is an early release day (1pm) and would work well for us. Or this coming Thursday. Maybe for 2 hours or so? Let me know what Charlie would like to do!Cole's Mom

How do we tactfully get the point across that there is no love connection here?

Go but hint to your kid that if Cole ended up with a :rolleyes: it might not be bad for long term results.

#5 Walton Goggins

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:24 AM

how old are the kids? May explain why they don't play with each other which is normal until around 4

#6 sholditch

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:26 AM

Dear Cole's Mom

Your kid is ugly and stupid.

Peace
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It is becoming very clear here in South Florida that Ricky will touch it at least 10-15 times a game.

#7 chook

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:26 AM

Go but hint to your kid that if Cole ended up with a :rolleyes: it might not be bad for long term results.

Yep. Either that, or get your kid to bring Cole a flower and make a pass at him in front of his dad.

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#8 Nigel

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:29 AM

ignore it or give in and do it... then don't reciprocate

Can't make my son go. After Cole came to our house we asked Charlie if he wanted to play with him again and he specifically said "I don't know, but I definitely don't want to go to his house again." I don't know how we can possibly ignore it either, we see the her all the time at drop off and pick up. If she doesn't get a reply she'll definitely mention it when we see her next. Would be even more awkward trying to wiggle out of it in person - for all she knows the two of them are best buddies. We need to sent some kind of "no thanks" response. Big mistake having him to our house the first time around - could have ended it there. :)

#9 Verbal Kint

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:30 AM

What's Cole's mom look like? A photograph might be helpful.

If we had kid one day i could see us at the teacher conference with you asking alotta questions about our ratrugs and me sitting next to you offering support with my arm around you and I would have very serious look.


#10 Nigel

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:31 AM

how old are the kids? May explain why they don't play with each other which is normal until around 4

They're 6. My kid likes sports, and has other friends in class who like same and play at each other's houses all the time and have a blast together. This kid is more of a sci-fi/Lincoln Log guy which is fine, but not my kid's bag.

#11 QUEZILLA

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:32 AM

This is obviously a ploy by the mother to get her nerd son some friends. You have two options, either be a #### and say no. Or, go along with something you don't want to do.

Kids go through stages. Most likely if your son is hanging out with a nerd it will get harder before it gets easier. He will likely get put into awkward situations with other bully kids who want to make fun of the nerd. Pretty much be forced to choose. Then again, if the kid and the family are good people then he may be worth building a good friendship with.

I am friends with a bunch of people that would have been considered "nerds" when they were in h.s. / middle school / elementary. These people can end up being really good friends, and they may let your son copy off of them in difficult classes.

You could always agree, but push it off a little.

Edited by QUEZILLA, 24 February 2009 - 07:34 AM.


#12 Reg Lllama of Brixton

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:32 AM

"Well I asked Charlie and he said 'not impressed'..."
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#13 QUEZILLA

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:34 AM

What's Cole's mom look like? A photograph might be helpful.

I like the way this guy thinks.

#14 The Commish

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:35 AM

Just tell them that your son doesn't want to go to their house. What am I missing?

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#15 T Bell

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:36 AM

I would get Studs to make the call for you. My only concern with that would me that Cole's Mama might be left with the impression that she just needs to have the right juice in her house, but it's worth the risk.

I hipple so you don't have to.

 

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#16 Walton Goggins

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:36 AM


how old are the kids? May explain why they don't play with each other which is normal until around 4

They're 6. My kid likes sports, and has other friends in class who like same and play at each other's houses all the time and have a blast together. This kid is more of a sci-fi/Lincoln Log guy which is fine, but not my kid's bag.

Having differences isn't such a bad thing but if your kid doesn't want to play with this kid then don't. It is a sticky situation though. Could you set up a thing where there's more than a few kids?

#17 chook

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:37 AM

Do they have a trash can?

When you fart is loud enough to make a animal curious you know probably gonna win burritos.

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#18 T Bell

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:38 AM

Have Charlie duct tape Cole's butt cheeks together, and then give Cole a flare gun.

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#19 lord_helmet

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:40 AM

Just tell her the truth, you asked your kid and he said no. Maybe add that their kid seems like a good boy, but the two of them didnt appear to have much in common when you had him over. End of story ?
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#20 =Smackdown=

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:42 AM

"This next couple of weeks will be very busy for us; unfortunately we will not have time for play dates. We've been so busy lately, we've decided to concentrate on family things for a while. I'll let you know when we're ready for play dates again since Charlie really seemed to enjoy Cole's company."

#21 fatguyinalittlecoat

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:43 AM

Do you know whether Cole has had trouble making friends?

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#22 sholditch

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:44 AM

Have Charlie duct tape Cole's butt cheeks together, and then give Cole a flare gun.

:D I knew I was checking this thread for a reason.
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It is becoming very clear here in South Florida that Ricky will touch it at least 10-15 times a game.

#23 shadyridr

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:45 AM

Tell her Charlie is grounded
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#24 Nigel

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:46 AM

Just tell her the truth, you asked your kid and he said no. Maybe add that their kid seems like a good boy, but the two of them didnt appear to have much in common when you had him over. End of story ?

Yeah, it will have to be something like that. It would be so much easier if they were d-bags but they're nice people and I'd hate to hurt feelings. Oh well, that's life I guess.

#25 QUEZILLA

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:46 AM

Act like your one of those psycho sports dads, and say "sorry my son has to practice one on one everyday after school until try outs."

#26 Socrates11

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:47 AM

Dear Cole's Mom,

Charlie has some plans that day so we'll pass this time.

The missus and I were talking and we wanted to know if you and Cole's Dad wanted to come over some night for a 'play date'. BYOL of course.

Let us know!

Charlie's Dad.
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#27 themeanmachine

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:49 AM

"This next couple of weeks will be very busy for us; unfortunately we will not have time for play dates. We've been so busy lately, we've decided to concentrate on family things for a while. I'll let you know when we're ready for play dates again since Charlie really seemed to enjoy Cole's company."

This might be the best approach. I have a 5-year-old who is probably more on the sci-fi/Lincoln Logs side. This is probably a good, tactful way of at least putting it off for now. Cole will probably get distracted and find other friends to play with that are more on his wavelength. If Cole's mom starts asking again in a couple of weeks you might just have to be straight-up with her, and then she'll have to communicate that to Cole in whatever manner she wants to handle it.

#28 Nigel

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:50 AM

Do you know whether Cole has had trouble making friends?

Pretty sure that's the case based on what I've observed of him. Back in November, before all the playdate nonsense, Charlie had all the 8 boys in his class to the bowling alley for his birthday. Cole was definitely less socially mature than the others.

#29 lord_helmet

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:51 AM

Dear Cole's Mom,Charlie has some plans that day so we'll pass this time. The missus and I were talking and we wanted to know if you and Cole's Dad wanted to come over some night for a 'play date'. BYOL of course.Let us know!Charlie's Dad.

Winner. No feelings get hurt, playdate suggestions will stop and it even gives them something to talk about.
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#30 fatguyinalittlecoat

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:53 AM


Do you know whether Cole has had trouble making friends?

Pretty sure that's the case based on what I've observed of him. Back in November, before all the playdate nonsense, Charlie had all the 8 boys in his class to the bowling alley for his birthday. Cole was definitely less socially mature than the others.

You know when you send your email you're going to make Cole's mother cry, right?

In second grade I put off doing a clay dinosaur diorama until the night before it was due. Still got a check-plus.


#31 =Smackdown=

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:54 AM


Dear Cole's Mom,Charlie has some plans that day so we'll pass this time. The missus and I were talking and we wanted to know if you and Cole's Dad wanted to come over some night for a 'play date'. BYOL of course.Let us know!Charlie's Dad.

Winner. No feelings get hurt, playdate suggestions will stop and it even gives them something to talk about.

What if they accept your "swinging" invitation?This is kind of liek the Seinfeld 3way dilemna.

Edited by =Smackdown=, 24 February 2009 - 07:57 AM.


#32 Nigel

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 07:57 AM



Do you know whether Cole has had trouble making friends?

Pretty sure that's the case based on what I've observed of him. Back in November, before all the playdate nonsense, Charlie had all the 8 boys in his class to the bowling alley for his birthday. Cole was definitely less socially mature than the others.

You know when you send your email you're going to make Cole's mother cry, right?

Yeah, and I feel sick over it. I can imagine Cole giving his Mom the impression that they are best buddies, talking about him all the time. Meanwhile Charlie has four other buddies he talks about, and never mentions Cole. At teh end of the day if we said "Charlie, it might really hurt Cole's feelings if you don't go to his house" then I'm certain he would go - he's a sensitive kid. But is it fair to put him in that spot given he has explicitly said he doesn't want to go over there?

What would you do?

#33 lord_helmet

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 08:01 AM



Dear Cole's Mom,Charlie has some plans that day so we'll pass this time. The missus and I were talking and we wanted to know if you and Cole's Dad wanted to come over some night for a 'play date'. BYOL of course.Let us know!Charlie's Dad.

Winner. No feelings get hurt, playdate suggestions will stop and it even gives them something to talk about.

What if they accept your "swinging" invitation?This is kind of liek the Seinfeld 3way dilemna.

See post #9
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#34 fatguyinalittlecoat

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 08:01 AM




Do you know whether Cole has had trouble making friends?

Pretty sure that's the case based on what I've observed of him. Back in November, before all the playdate nonsense, Charlie had all the 8 boys in his class to the bowling alley for his birthday. Cole was definitely less socially mature than the others.

You know when you send your email you're going to make Cole's mother cry, right?

Yeah, and I feel sick over it. I can imagine Cole giving his Mom the impression that they are best buddies, talking about him all the time. Meanwhile Charlie has four other buddies he talks about, and never mentions Cole. At teh end of the day if we said "Charlie, it might really hurt Cole's feelings if you don't go to his house" then I'm certain he would go - he's a sensitive kid. But is it fair to put him in that spot given he has explicitly said he doesn't want to go over there?

What would you do?

I'd probably make my kid go, then do something nice for him. My kids would gladly spend a few hours with Satan himself if they got a lollipop afterwards.

In second grade I put off doing a clay dinosaur diorama until the night before it was due. Still got a check-plus.


#35 Walton Goggins

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 08:01 AM




Do you know whether Cole has had trouble making friends?

Pretty sure that's the case based on what I've observed of him. Back in November, before all the playdate nonsense, Charlie had all the 8 boys in his class to the bowling alley for his birthday. Cole was definitely less socially mature than the others.

You know when you send your email you're going to make Cole's mother cry, right?

Yeah, and I feel sick over it. I can imagine Cole giving his Mom the impression that they are best buddies, talking about him all the time. Meanwhile Charlie has four other buddies he talks about, and never mentions Cole. At teh end of the day if we said "Charlie, it might really hurt Cole's feelings if you don't go to his house" then I'm certain he would go - he's a sensitive kid. But is it fair to put him in that spot given he has explicitly said he doesn't want to go over there?

What would you do?

Was your kid flat out against going to his house?

#36 QUEZILLA

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 08:02 AM

Have your kid cut his hair.

#37 Nigel

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 08:03 AM





Do you know whether Cole has had trouble making friends?

Pretty sure that's the case based on what I've observed of him. Back in November, before all the playdate nonsense, Charlie had all the 8 boys in his class to the bowling alley for his birthday. Cole was definitely less socially mature than the others.

You know when you send your email you're going to make Cole's mother cry, right?

Yeah, and I feel sick over it. I can imagine Cole giving his Mom the impression that they are best buddies, talking about him all the time. Meanwhile Charlie has four other buddies he talks about, and never mentions Cole. At teh end of the day if we said "Charlie, it might really hurt Cole's feelings if you don't go to his house" then I'm certain he would go - he's a sensitive kid. But is it fair to put him in that spot given he has explicitly said he doesn't want to go over there?

What would you do?

Was your kid flat out against going to his house?

Yes, he said "I don't want to go to Cole's house again" - pretty clear.

#38 Jaysus

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 08:06 AM

I have no idea what the pro play here is, but I have to imagine it involves Chuck E. Cheese's is some way.

#39 QUEZILLA

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 08:08 AM

"My son doesn't want to go over there. All he want's to do is play xbox live, so if you want to exchange gamertags maybe they can have a cyber play date."

#40 pgreenfan

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 08:09 AM

I would wonder why the little guy is so set against Cole's house.
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#41 QUEZILLA

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 08:13 AM

I would wonder why the little guy is so set against Cole's house.

Did you miss the part about Cole being the biggest nerd around?

#42 chet

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 08:14 AM

Can't make my son go.

:lmao:He's 6.
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#43 Walton Goggins

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 08:18 AM






Do you know whether Cole has had trouble making friends?

Pretty sure that's the case based on what I've observed of him. Back in November, before all the playdate nonsense, Charlie had all the 8 boys in his class to the bowling alley for his birthday. Cole was definitely less socially mature than the others.

You know when you send your email you're going to make Cole's mother cry, right?

Yeah, and I feel sick over it. I can imagine Cole giving his Mom the impression that they are best buddies, talking about him all the time. Meanwhile Charlie has four other buddies he talks about, and never mentions Cole. At teh end of the day if we said "Charlie, it might really hurt Cole's feelings if you don't go to his house" then I'm certain he would go - he's a sensitive kid. But is it fair to put him in that spot given he has explicitly said he doesn't want to go over there?

What would you do?

Was your kid flat out against going to his house?

Yes, he said "I don't want to go to Cole's house again" - pretty clear.

Got it well up to you, if you think it's a good idea for him to not go then don't but if you think it'll be good for him then instead invite this kid and a few others over.

#44 Verbal Kint

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 08:21 AM




Do you know whether Cole has had trouble making friends?

Pretty sure that's the case based on what I've observed of him. Back in November, before all the playdate nonsense, Charlie had all the 8 boys in his class to the bowling alley for his birthday. Cole was definitely less socially mature than the others.

You know when you send your email you're going to make Cole's mother cry, right?

Yeah, and I feel sick over it. I can imagine Cole giving his Mom the impression that they are best buddies, talking about him all the time. Meanwhile Charlie has four other buddies he talks about, and never mentions Cole. At teh end of the day if we said "Charlie, it might really hurt Cole's feelings if you don't go to his house" then I'm certain he would go - he's a sensitive kid. But is it fair to put him in that spot given he has explicitly said he doesn't want to go over there?

What would you do?

I'd have to say that my 5 year old is a lot like Cole. He is very young for his class and seems to have a little trouble interacting with other kids. Not a huge issue, just a phase he probably will outgrow. A couple things I've observed:

-The social maturity between the oldest and youngest in a kindergarten class is dramatic. Other factors present, such as whether they have older siblings etc.
- Children of this age have begun to develop an intuitive understanding of social groups, but often can't verbalize it. In other words, Cole probably is aware that he isn't as close in friendship as his other classmates are to each other. But he has trouble telling his parents this or understanding why he is not part of the group.
- Exposing the child to more varied social interactions is the best way to give him the confidence and experience to deal with such situations. If Charlie is willing, it would be extremely beneficial for Cole to have a play date. To make it easier, maybe invite 1 other kid over.

There is nothing so heartbreaking as feeling like your child doesn't have any friends.

If we had kid one day i could see us at the teacher conference with you asking alotta questions about our ratrugs and me sitting next to you offering support with my arm around you and I would have very serious look.


#45 Walton Goggins

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 08:24 AM

Since when did 6 year old kids NOT want to play with certain kids? I am thinking back to when I was a very young kid and I would NEVER turn down a chance to play with kids.

#46 KnowledgeReignsSupreme

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 08:49 AM

Since when did 6 year old kids NOT want to play with certain kids? I am thinking back to when I was a very young kid and I would NEVER turn down a chance to play with kids.

Maybe you were the nerd that didn't have any friends. :coffee:

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#47 Walton Goggins

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 08:55 AM


Since when did 6 year old kids NOT want to play with certain kids? I am thinking back to when I was a very young kid and I would NEVER turn down a chance to play with kids.

Maybe you were the nerd that didn't have any friends. :coffee:

I had a ton of friends and to this day I have a vast difference in friends. Some love sports, some don't, some are nerds and some aren't, etc. I grew up in an age where you were told to play outside until the sun came down and was fortunate that a lot of kids lived on my block.

Edited by Walton Goggins, 24 February 2009 - 08:55 AM.


#48 NCCommish

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 09:07 AM

Since when did 6 year old kids NOT want to play with certain kids? I am thinking back to when I was a very young kid and I would NEVER turn down a chance to play with kids.

Some kids are always cut out of the group. Never seen anything to suggest otherwise. I was a smart kid who also loved playing sports. I got along with the nerds and the jocks. And I have seen kids cut completely loose within a class. Being a bit on the sensitive side I would usually reach out to those kids. I can very distinctly remember kids that I was the one of the very few they had to invite over from school. I have been to some very small birthday parties.
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#49 NCCommish

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 09:11 AM




Do you know whether Cole has had trouble making friends?

Pretty sure that's the case based on what I've observed of him. Back in November, before all the playdate nonsense, Charlie had all the 8 boys in his class to the bowling alley for his birthday. Cole was definitely less socially mature than the others.

You know when you send your email you're going to make Cole's mother cry, right?

Yeah, and I feel sick over it. I can imagine Cole giving his Mom the impression that they are best buddies, talking about him all the time. Meanwhile Charlie has four other buddies he talks about, and never mentions Cole. At teh end of the day if we said "Charlie, it might really hurt Cole's feelings if you don't go to his house" then I'm certain he would go - he's a sensitive kid. But is it fair to put him in that spot given he has explicitly said he doesn't want to go over there?

What would you do?

Nige I would probably get Charlie to go. Well strike that I would make the playdate at my house. And I would try to have something planned both boys would like but wouldn't force them to make it happen on their own. But you can only do so much. If things don't start to thaw you have to tell them the truth as kindly as possible of course. Feelings will be hurt but Charlie can only do so much.
I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around [the banks] will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered. The issuing power should be taken from the banks and restored to the people, to whom it properly belongs.

Thomas Jefferson

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

Woody Allen

#50 Nigel

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Posted 24 February 2009 - 09:15 AM


Can't make my son go.

:popcorn:

He's 6.

I think you know what I meant, of course I could make him go. I can make him do pretty much anything.

I can't justify making him go. I guess I'll talk to him tonight, tell him why i think it might be a good idea to go, and let him choose.




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