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#1 Maurile Tremblay

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 12:06 AM

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick-boxing. — Emo Philips (Multiple sentences are also cool if they are short.)
I can't believe I've played the Lotto every single week for 15 years and I've only won $136 million.



#2 Maurile Tremblay

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 12:29 AM

Reading a Chinese newspaper is like looking at a thousand douchebag tattoos at once. — Jason Mustian
I can't believe I've played the Lotto every single week for 15 years and I've only won $136 million.

#3 Maurile Tremblay

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 12:29 AM

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. — Steven Wright
I can't believe I've played the Lotto every single week for 15 years and I've only won $136 million.

#4 Maurile Tremblay

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 12:29 AM

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. — Mitch Hedberg
I can't believe I've played the Lotto every single week for 15 years and I've only won $136 million.

#5 Samuel L Bronkowitz

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 12:40 AM

They ought to make butt-flavored cat food. - Gallagher
I'm not wearing any pants. Film at eleven.

Other than that, poop is poop and pee is pee and Charlie is Charlie.


#6 Maurile Tremblay

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 12:44 AM

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 feet per second, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter. — Dave Barry
I can't believe I've played the Lotto every single week for 15 years and I've only won $136 million.

#7 cstu

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 12:51 AM

(Multiple sentences are also cool if they are short.)

This is a joke. Not.

at no no point in history has the outline of asses and ######s been more readily available.


#8 NorvilleBarnes

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 12:56 AM

I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody." I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself. When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through." The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife. - Rodney Dangerfield

Seriously, this shouldn't even be close. Give a woman a flat chest, and she can still be attractive. Give a woman a flat butt, and she can still be attractive. Give a woman a penis?


#9 Maurile Tremblay

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 01:06 AM

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. — George Carlin
I can't believe I've played the Lotto every single week for 15 years and I've only won $136 million.

#10 Samuel L Bronkowitz

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 01:11 AM

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best. - Daniel Tosh
I'm not wearing any pants. Film at eleven.

Other than that, poop is poop and pee is pee and Charlie is Charlie.


#11 Maurile Tremblay

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 01:25 AM

Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we already have. — Jack Handey
I can't believe I've played the Lotto every single week for 15 years and I've only won $136 million.

#12 Maurile Tremblay

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 01:52 AM

Politicians and diapers should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. — Mark Twain
I can't believe I've played the Lotto every single week for 15 years and I've only won $136 million.

#13 snellman

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 05:46 AM

Do not argue with an idiot, he will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
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YOU CAN'T STOP HIM. YOU CAN ONLY HOPE TO CONTAIN HIM!!! :pickle: :headbang:


#14 snellman

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 05:46 AM

"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." - Tim Allen
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YOU CAN'T STOP HIM. YOU CAN ONLY HOPE TO CONTAIN HIM!!! :pickle: :headbang:


#15 daddo39

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 06:00 AM

The other day i came home and there was a guy jogging naked in frony of my house. I said "What are you doing running naked?" He said "Because you came home early." I went to see my proctologist and he stuck his finger down my throat. I called the suicide hotline and they put me on hold. My partner's a workaholic. You mention work and he gets drunk. Rodney Dangerfield

#16 daddo39

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 06:07 AM

Can't remember if this was Rodney or not; We were broke so I sent my wife out to prostitute herself and she came home with 15 dollars and 10 cents. I said "Who the hell gave you 10 cents?" She said "Everybody"

#17 squistion

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 06:09 AM

From Henny Youngman:

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"


One Liners from the Master: Henny Youngman

QUOTE (Marvin @ Apr 25, 2012 12:45 AM)

squistion is going to come in here and start reporting people. Then you'll really be sorry.

QUOTE (JerseyToughGuys @ Apr 20, 2012 03:45 PM)
No one expects the spanish squistion!~@@


#18 bostonfred

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 06:21 AM

Whenever I walk somewhere, and someone hands me a flyer, it's like they're telling me, "Here, you go throw this away." I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just gonna ask where they're going and hook up with them later. I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows? Mitch Hedberg
R.I.P. shiny 5/25/09

#19 Das Boot

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 06:37 AM

We were broke so I sent my wife out to prostitute herself and she came home with 15 dollars and 10 cents. I said "Who the hell gave you 10 cents?" She said "Everybody"

:(

However, once I was handed the ball and saw the opening I ran to daylight. Not because I knew what I was doing, I just loved the sunshine on my face.


so here i was, a fugitive from justice, riding in a stolen Continental with two slabs o jailbait & a serial killer.


I will tackle a female midget with a handicap if that's what it takes to win. I will steal a car from Russian Mob bosses and sleep with their wives if that's what separates me from first and second. I will yell, scream, bite, scratch, crawl, and kick to the groin in order to survive one more round. I may not be much - in fact, I'm bit TOO much in parts - but I am a survivor. I don't know how to quit and I'd rather pass a kidney boulder than lose.
Shuke?

You gonna eat the rest of those fries?


#20 Clayton Gray

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 07:16 AM

I have a crush on my dental hygienist, so before my appointment I ate an entire bag of Oreo cookies. - Steven Wright

#21 Bruce Dickinson

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 07:18 AM

I was homeless for a while, but I didn't want anyone to know, so I slept in front of a Ticketmaster. My girlfriend said she wanted something expensive and extravagant that she really didn't need, so I got her chemotherapy. (First heard the first one from a local stand-up that I'm sure has been passed around. Second one IIRC is an old Emo Phillips joke.)
I put my pants on just like the rest of you - one leg at a time.
Except, once my pants are on, I make gold records.

#22 mr roboto

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 07:20 AM

I have found that a ducks opinion of me is highly influenced by whether or not I have bread. Hedeberg I can imagine what my dad would say if I told him I was a vegetarian. "No son-a-mine's gay. Eat your meat p####." Gaffigan Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes - that way you are a mile away and you have his shoes. Jack Handey

Come on guys. He threw eight innings of one hit ball and needed someone to close it out for him. So what if the closer could have been a fifth grader?


#23 gianmarco

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 07:25 AM

A dog walked into a bar and said "I'm looking for the man who shot my Paw"

Sorry son, but I don't have to dumb down The Sport just so noobs like you have a chance at keeping up.

I play in a $4,000 entry, Super-WCOFF, triple-reverse, double down, mirror league with a modified PPFDR base 8 scoring system, and we just held our draft in July. For the 2013 season. You think Matt Barkley getting the start in USC is news? I drafted him after studying up on him, after he signed his letter of intent, last year. You think that maybe going with a WR in the first two rounds instead of back-to-back RBs is somehow new thinking in fantasy? Well, do you have the balls to do what I did this year when I didn't take my first RB until the fourth round (Roderick Smith, Harding High School of Indiana)? You've probably never even heard of Martavis Bryant, Kyle Prater, or Darius White, yet not only did I draft them this year to form my future WR core, I've also started referring to them by fantasy board nicknames (Super Mart, KPrater, & DoubleDarius). Hell, guys like you are going to be the poor schmucks who are searching this board five years from now for info on some great RB you just heard of out of the middle of nowhere in Alaska, and the FBG search result box is going to come up with this very post, where I brag about nabbing Isaiah Weeks of the Monroe Catholic Rams at the 25.32/26.01 turn a full two months before he lit up Delta Junction for 193 yards/2 TDs or Ketchikan for 183 rushing yards, 55 rec yards, & 2 TDs. You'll be wondering about his durability and I'll remember a phone call I made back when you were just hearing the name "Knowshon Moreno" for the first time to the kid's doctor in Fairbanks about the sprain he suffered in his left ankle in 2008.

Let me give you a tip, IT = INFO, and there's no "expires by" date on it.


#24 Polar Dude

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 07:45 AM

I found my cat the other day. I would have found him sooner, but my lawn mower has a grass-catcher. -Emo Phillips
test

This is the sort of insightful objective football stuff I come here for.


#25 Phurfur

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 08:58 AM

Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy. - Jerry Seinfeld
"we have met the enemy and he is us"

#26 Leroy Hoard

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 10:09 AM

A dog walked into a bar and said "I'm looking for the man who shot my Paw"

Two guys walked into a bar but the next guy ducked.
If you need a yard, I'll get you three. If you need five yards, I'll get you three.

#27 RC94

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 10:11 AM

There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress. – Mark Twain

#28 Leroy Hoard

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 10:20 AM

Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes - that way you are a mile away and you have his shoes. Jack Handey

:goodposting: “It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”
If you need a yard, I'll get you three. If you need five yards, I'll get you three.

#29 Fennis

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 10:32 AM

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. — Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone



#30 Time Kibitzer

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 10:34 AM

My partner's a workaholic. You mention work and he gets drunk. Rodney Dangerfield

:thumbdown: lots of funny ones in here so far.

#31 Juxtatarot

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 11:12 AM

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les. Rod Schmidt

#32 Juxtatarot

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 11:15 AM

Jesus could've made it up Mount Calvary without assistance if he had cross-trained. Steve Connelly

#33 wilked

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 11:36 AM

"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." - Tim Allen

/THREAD

#34 Adebisi

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 11:37 AM

Jesus could've made it up Mount Calvary without assistance if he had cross-trained. Steve Connelly

:bag::lmao::lmao:
"Stats are for losers." --Bill Belichick

#35 Adebisi

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 11:38 AM

"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." wears a condom with the other girls

Fixed

Edited by Adebisi, 19 December 2010 - 11:38 AM.

"Stats are for losers." --Bill Belichick

#36 tri-man 47

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 12:20 PM

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig. Unknown

2014 race calendar:

 

4/6 - Chi-Town HM, 1:40:14 (7:39/mile), 173 avg HR, 2nd of 14 in AG

4/26 - Earth Day 15 mile trail race, DNF - tight soleus muscle

5/18 - Back to the Beach trail HM, 1:51:10 (8:37/mile), 172 HR, 4th of 31 in AG

7/26 - B1G 10K, 45:45 (7:21/mile), 175 HR, 8th of 158 in AG

9/14 - Naperville Trails HM, 1:42:17 (7:48/mile), 3rd of 25 in AG

9/20 - Dances with Dirt 100K trail relay, 3 legs, 15.5 miles, bad case of poison sumac

10/11 - Prairie State HM, 1:34:58 (7:15/mile), 167 avg HR, 1st of 19 AG, 30/795 overall

10/19 - Frank Lloyd Wright 5K, 20:51  (6:41/mi), 169 avg HR, 2nd of 24 AG, 29/900 overall

 


#37 Please See Mine

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 12:43 PM

Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy. - Jerry Seinfeld

supposedly seinfeld had that joke but hadn't really written it right and another comedian actually shaped it. Colin Quinn, maybe?
Play hard to get, wanna flirt wit me?
I ain't workin' for no ###, I'll jerk off for free

Unnecessary quotation marks blog

#38 Postradamus

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 01:51 PM

I hope they find a cure for cancer soon because I'm tired of walking 5k. -Tosh
in bed.

#39 Gopher State

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 03:35 PM

What does Barack Obama call illegal aliens?, undocumented democrats. --unknown American
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty, well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, totally worn out and proclaiming, ’Wow, what a ride’.”

#40 Charlie Steiner

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 03:46 PM

Did you hear the one about the gentleman of Polish persuasion who walks into a bar with a pile of dog #### in his hands and says "Hey, look what I almost stepped in!"?
Follow me! Follow me TO FREEDOM!!!

#41 trout

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 05:00 PM

A crazy man walks into his shrink's office wearing nothing but clear plastic wrap. The shrink says, "I can clearly see you're nuts"

Edited by trout, 19 December 2010 - 05:10 PM.


#42 mr roboto

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 05:14 PM

What does Barack Obama call illegal aliens?, undocumented democrats. --unknown American

:popcorn:

Come on guys. He threw eight innings of one hit ball and needed someone to close it out for him. So what if the closer could have been a fifth grader?


#43 KGB

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 05:21 PM

Jesus could've made it up Mount Calvary without assistance if he had cross-trained. Steve Connelly

A) I dont get it B) we need to link the guys telling the joke C) theres one guy who keeps getting props and ive never heard of him 4) I'm drunk

#44 Jaysus

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 05:26 PM

The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife. - Rodney Dangerfield

double :blackdot:

#45 shuke

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 08:07 PM

I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said "#### it. Cut 'em up." - Mitch
Owning Capella in fantasy sports since 2003.
Owning Otis in werewolf since 2010.


I hate signatures, but love irony.

#46 biggamer3

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 08:09 PM

Reading a Chinese newspaper is like looking at a thousand douchebag tattoos at once. — Jason Mustian

:mellow: this is really great!
Many players, consequently, are financial prey. "Disreputable people see athletes' money as very easy to get to," says Steven Baker, an agent who represents 20 NFL players.

#47 mr roboto

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 08:13 PM

Jesus could've made it up Mount Calvary without assistance if he had cross-trained. Steve Connelly

A) I dont get it B) we need to link the guys telling the joke C) theres one guy who keeps getting props and ive never heard of him 4) I'm drunk

4) Jesus was crucified on Calvary, the top of a hill. He carried his own cross part of the way up the hill until he couldn't anymore cause he was beaten so badly. They picked another guy to bring it all the way up. B) Couldn't find one. Sorry. C) Wat? D) ;)

Edited by mr roboto, 19 December 2010 - 08:13 PM.

Come on guys. He threw eight innings of one hit ball and needed someone to close it out for him. So what if the closer could have been a fifth grader?


#48 biggamer3

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 08:13 PM

Too bad the all the people who are fit to run our country are too busy cutting hair or driving cabs
Many players, consequently, are financial prey. "Disreputable people see athletes' money as very easy to get to," says Steven Baker, an agent who represents 20 NFL players.

#49 Klecker

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 09:20 PM

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binaries and those who don't.

#50 Maurile Tremblay

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 09:22 PM

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. — Mitch Hedberg
I can't believe I've played the Lotto every single week for 15 years and I've only won $136 million.




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