5834 replies to this topic

[No. 16]

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it dosent, then it was never meant to be."

How many of you guys have had experience with a significant other who left you and then the two of you got back together? What was the relationship like after you reunited?

Right now I'm going through a break up that came out of left field for me. I honestly had no idea she was feeling this way. I am 26 and have been with my ex for the past 6 years. We met in college and I thought she was the one.

Why didn't I propose to her sooner? Well we both wanted to be financially stable. Both of us just graduated about 2 years ago and after a year of searching for jobs we just started working in our respective careers this past year. With a year + of work under my belt and some savings for a ring, I was ready to propose to her sometime soon.

That was until the other day when she told me she wanted to be "single right now" because she didn't know if she could be happy with me in the future. Her main grievance is that I was not very spontaneous or took the initiative to plan dates, etc. I told her I would change: go hiking with her, plan more dates, etc but she has been adamant in ending the relationship. I asked her if there was another guy and she said no. She just hasn't had the chance to be single, because she has been in two long term relationships the past 9 years, and didn't know if she could be happy with me in the future. She just wants time alone, to enjoy being "single and independent".

I asked her if I should wait, if there's hope, and she told me, “It would be selfish of me to tell you to wait for me, but I can't tell you to move on. Just try your best to make yourself happy right now. I don't know what the future holds, but I know I just can't be with you right now.”

It has been just killer as we live together. Seeing her everyday just makes me realize how great of a person I'm losing. Sure she's just destroying my life right now, but I don't feel any anger, just regret that I messed it up somehow. She's looking to move out ASAP and after that I know I HAVE TO STAY AWAY FROM HER (hopefully with the help of work, alcohol, joining a gym, and my friends I'll be able to do this).

I've pretty much resigned that we'll be broken up and she'll be out of my life once she moves out, but maybe because I love her so much and usually in life have such a positive outlook I'm still holding onto some hope.

So please FFA feel free to share your experience with me about your past relationships especially if you guys were reunited for better or worse. I'll appreciate both the doses of reality (she's gone forever) or the words of encouragement (maybe she'll be back). Thanks for reading. Just typing this out was helpful.

Edited by No. 16, 23 January 2013 - 12:29 PM.

[Borat]

20 is far too young to be in a serious, long-term relationship. With all due respect, you have absolutely no idea what you want.

[Dr. Awesome]

I told her I would change:

No you won't. Sorry guy. If you change you should do it because it's who you are. There's always a give an take in relationships but if you have to make massive overhauls to your personality to be with someone, chances are you're with the wrong person.

And she's right. You've been together since you were 20? You need to go enjoy the life of a single guy in his 20's. It sucks now but throw yourself into some women asap and a few months from now you'll be pretty happy.

ETA - to put it bluntly, she's gone for good but it's for the best. From the little you wrote I'm highly skeptical you two were as great a match as you think right now.

Edited by Dr. Awesome, 12 January 2012 - 04:19 PM.

[Fennis]

bang her best friend

[GroveDiesel]

She's lying. There's another guy. She wants the romance of early dating, of being wooed. She'll regret leaving you some day when she realizes that the early wooing stage never lasts forever. Who knows how long it will take for her to reach that conclusion. Years maybe. You need to move on.

(I love how women put the spontaneity and initiative thing on the guys. Like it should always be your responsibility and she should just sit back and be constantly swept off her feet.)

On the other hand, if she has been wanting to do stuff and you just sit around and didn't want to, then it's time to get off your butt and get your stuff together.

[quickhands]

you're lucky you weren't financially stable. Now get out there. (btw, I read the first sentence. Its all drivel...all of it.).

If you ready want her back....put your balls back on. Turn off sting. And start having fun without her. Youth IS wasted on the young.

45year old talking

[Dr. Awesome]

Do you have lots of friends? Hang out with them as much as possible. Family? Spend time with them. Not ready to date? Join http://www.meetup.com/ . It' s a great place to make friends with similar interests. Stay busy. Be a man and run from dealing with your emotions with alcohol and physical activities.

[Borat]

By the way, she's all done with you. Blaming the whole thing on you not being spontaneous enough and then being noncommittal about whether or not you should wait for her are telltale signs.

But if (for whatever ridiculous reason) you really want her back, stop acting so pathetic about the whole thing. Act like it's no big deal and immediately find yourself a date (don't tell her directly about the date, but make sure she somehow knows). Consider this whole thing a negotiation of sorts, and remember what they say: the person who cares the least and is ready & willing to walk away from the deal usually wins the negotiation.

[Borat]

Be a man and run from dealing with your emotions with alcohol and physical activities.

In all seriousness, this is actually really great advice, almost regardless of where the OP wants this whole thing to go.

[Eastwood]

It doesn't ease your pain, but these guys are right. Your ability to love, to think you have/had the "one" is very different in your early to mid twenties. As you get older, wiser, more secure in your job and finances, you'll have all kinds of other options along with different perspectives. Trust me, I had the greatest hottest most beautiful girl when i was in my early 20s. We were engaged to by married. She broke it off because I wasn't Mormon. At the time, I was devastated. ALL my guy friends agreed she was a 9.5 on a 10 scale. By the time I was 30, I thanked God we didn't get married. And this was well before meeting my wife. Just give it time, have some fun, you are only twenty something and carefree for a short time.

Edited by Eastwood, 12 January 2012 - 04:23 PM.

[Quint]

sorry to hear about all that.

been there too.

much as it sucks, you gotta let her go. as soon as she moves out, cut yourself off from all things "her". lose her phone number, hide all her FB/Twitter posts. live your life the best you know how to make yourself happy. do not wait around for her to come back. chances are, she's gone for good. and if she does come back, she won't be any more attracted to someone who just waited around in the hopes that she'd return.

who knows, maybe 2, 5, 10 (?) years down the road you'll meet up and start over again. in the meantime, feel free to grieve, vent, be depressed, etc.....but in the end, just move on.

oh, and whatever you do: do not drink and dial. it will not end well.

[Warrior]

I hear all the time about relationships that end and then get back together. All depends on your situation, but it's definitely possible. You need to move on though and spend this time exploring and learning about yourself by dating other women. If you hang around her all desperate-like, she's going to feel suffocated/trapped (like she seems to feel now) and probably won't come back to you.

[Warrior]

sorry to hear about all that.

been there too.

much as it sucks, you gotta let her go. as soon as she moves out, cut yourself off from all things "her". lose her phone number, hide all her FB/Twitter posts. live your life the best you know how to make yourself happy. do not wait around for her to come back. chances are, she's gone for good. and if she does come back, she won't be any more attracted to someone who just waited around in the hopes that she'd return.

who knows, maybe 2, 5, 10 (?) years down the road you'll meet up and start over again. in the meantime, feel free to grieve, vent, be depressed, etc.....but in the end, just move on.

oh, and whatever you do: do not drink and dial. it will not end well.

Good stuff.

[FatMax]

Dated on gal from about 17-22, split for three years, then got back together. It lasted about six months. Everything was just ... different after we both had some life experience.

You can't go home again.

[Dr. Awesome]

I agree with the above. Treat her as if she no longer exists. Delete her from facebook or whatever other social networks you share. Delete her phone number. If you go to any bars she frequents make sure you're the first one to show up with a date. Nothing will remove the sting but being the first to give the perception of having "moved on" is going to help ease the blow.

[Borat]

You know how I won my last breakup? Got myself a couple of hookers and arranged for a threesome. You say that you've got some savings, so what's stopping you?

[No. 16]

I told her I would change:

No you won't. Sorry guy. If you change you should do it because it's who you are. There's always a give an take in relationships but if you have to make massive overhauls to your personality to be with someone, chances are you're with the wrong person.

And she's right. You've been together since you were 20? You need to go enjoy the life of a single guy in his 20's. It sucks now but throw yourself into some women asap and a few months from now you'll be pretty happy.

ETA - to put it bluntly, she's gone for good but it's for the best. From the little you wrote I'm highly skeptical you two were as great a match as you think right now.

Is what she is asking a "massive overhaul" or me just putting a little more effort. It's not like we don't go out, but especially this past year with our new jobs it has been a bit harder than in the past. I agree people shouldn't have to make massive overhauls to be with someone and I didn't think her reason was a "massive overhaul". Then again if it is what we are supposedly breaking up over then in her eyes it is.

As for the match thing, who knows? Can't remember the last argument we had. We both enjoy a lot of the same interests (we just don't do them enough is her complaint), have the same goals and values in life. You could be right, but like I said this came out of left field and I'm sure our friends and families will be shocked when it hits Facebook because everyone thought we were going to get married soon.

[Gadzooks]

It doesn't ease your pain, but these guys are right. Your ability to love, to think you have/had the "one" is very different in your early to mid twenties. As you get older, wiser, more secure in your job and finances, you'll have all kinds of other options along with different perspectives. Trust me, I had the greatest hottest most beautiful girl when i was in my early 20s. We were engaged to by married. She broke it off because I wasn't Mormon. At the time, I was devastated. ALL my guy friends agreed she was a 9.5 on a 10 scale. By the time I was 30, I thanked God we didn't get married. And this was well before meeting my wife. Just give it time, have some fun, you are only twenty something and carefree for a short time.

What? Hot girls like Mormons? Interesting.....

[Wrigley]

I think you should leave a post it note on her door.

[Borat]

Is what she is asking a "massive overhaul" or me just putting a little more effort.

It's neither. She's not asking you to change - she's telling you it's over.

[humpback]

She's lying. There's another guy. She wants the romance of early dating, of being wooed. She'll regret leaving you some day when she realizes that the early wooing stage never lasts forever. Who knows how long it will take for her to reach that conclusion. Years maybe. You need to move on.

(I love how women put the spontaneity and initiative thing on the guys. Like it should always be your responsibility and she should just sit back and be constantly swept off her feet.)

On the other hand, if she has been wanting to do stuff and you just sit around and didn't want to, then it's time to get off your butt and get your stuff together.

This was my first thought as well. You've been dating for 6 years, live together, you said it came out of left field, and now she wants to move out ASAP? Why wouldn't she give you a chance after 6 years to become more "spontaneous" if that's all it was?

Sorry about the situation, but things will get better. It's best to try and put it behind you and move on. You'll finally be able to live like you should have in your early 20's.

[No. 16]

Is what she is asking a "massive overhaul" or me just putting a little more effort.

It's neither. She's not asking you to change - she's telling you it's over.

Nice and concise. Thanks.

[Dr. Awesome]

I told her I would change:

No you won't. Sorry guy. If you change you should do it because it's who you are. There's always a give an take in relationships but if you have to make massive overhauls to your personality to be with someone, chances are you're with the wrong person.

And she's right. You've been together since you were 20? You need to go enjoy the life of a single guy in his 20's. It sucks now but throw yourself into some women asap and a few months from now you'll be pretty happy.

ETA - to put it bluntly, she's gone for good but it's for the best. From the little you wrote I'm highly skeptical you two were as great a match as you think right now.

Is what she is asking a "massive overhaul" or me just putting a little more effort. It's not like we don't go out, but especially this past year with our new jobs it has been a bit harder than in the past. I agree people shouldn't have to make massive overhauls to be with someone and I didn't think her reason was a "massive overhaul". Then again if it is what we are supposedly breaking up over then in her eyes it is.

As for the match thing, who knows? Can't remember the last argument we had. We both enjoy a lot of the same interests (we just don't do them enough is her complaint), have the same goals and values in life. You could be right, but like I said this came out of left field and I'm sure our friends and families will be shocked when it hits Facebook because everyone thought we were going to get married soon.

If I were your friend in real life I would roll up a magazine and smack on you on the head with a 'tsst' noise. Bad No. 16. Don't romanticize things. It's over. Don't start questioning things. It's a massive overhaul. If you really want to put in more effort try it again with version 2.0

[No. 16]

Be a man and run from dealing with your emotions with alcohol and physical activities.

In all seriousness, this is actually really great advice, almost regardless of where the OP wants this whole thing to go.

I'll be a man in time.... but I've been out of the game for 6 years. Need the liquid courage and need to get in shape first.

[Joe Summer]

Her main grievance is that I was not very spontaneous or took the initiative to plan dates, etc.

Bah. The problem here is that she wants a version of YOU that also happens to be spontaneous. What she will find is that when she goes out and finds Mr. Spontaneous, he'll end up having a bunch of other flaws that make YOU look perfect by comparison.

She WILL end up wanting you back. But the question for you is: do you really want to be with a woman who dumped you over such a superficial reason?

[Wrigley]

Dude, we've all been there.

Truth hurts, she's moved on.

Now it's time for you to do the same.

You're young, bang everything in sight!!!!

Make sure you tell us about it too.......us old guys have wives and kids.

[Gadzooks]

I told her I would change:

No you won't. Sorry guy. If you change you should do it because it's who you are. There's always a give an take in relationships but if you have to make massive overhauls to your personality to be with someone, chances are you're with the wrong person.

And she's right. You've been together since you were 20? You need to go enjoy the life of a single guy in his 20's. It sucks now but throw yourself into some women asap and a few months from now you'll be pretty happy.

ETA - to put it bluntly, she's gone for good but it's for the best. From the little you wrote I'm highly skeptical you two were as great a match as you think right now.

Is what she is asking a "massive overhaul" or me just putting a little more effort. It's not like we don't go out, but especially this past year with our new jobs it has been a bit harder than in the past. I agree people shouldn't have to make massive overhauls to be with someone and I didn't think her reason was a "massive overhaul". Then again if it is what we are supposedly breaking up over then in her eyes it is.

As for the match thing, who knows? Can't remember the last argument we had. We both enjoy a lot of the same interests (we just don't do them enough is her complaint), have the same goals and values in life. You could be right, but like I said this came out of left field and I'm sure our friends and families will be shocked when it hits Facebook because everyone thought we were going to get married soon.

No matter what anyone here writes, the bottom line is that this sucks right now for you and it will continue to suck for a while. But it will get better, eventually. Spill your guts about it here, it's actually therapeutic. Call your buddies and go do something fun, the more you're alone and thinking about her the worse it will be. One day you might find out that this was a good thing. Or who knows, maybe one day she'll come back to you. Everything happens for a reason, maybe the timing just wasn't right at this time.

And could you change your avatar... I'm having a hard time being sympathetic to you when I keep seeing LeBron's face. Best of luck.

[Eastwood]

It doesn't ease your pain, but these guys are right. Your ability to love, to think you have/had the "one" is very different in your early to mid twenties. As you get older, wiser, more secure in your job and finances, you'll have all kinds of other options along with different perspectives. Trust me, I had the greatest hottest most beautiful girl when i was in my early 20s. We were engaged to by married. She broke it off because I wasn't Mormon. At the time, I was devastated. ALL my guy friends agreed she was a 9.5 on a 10 scale. By the time I was 30, I thanked God we didn't get married. And this was well before meeting my wife. Just give it time, have some fun, you are only twenty something and carefree for a short time.

What? Hot girls like Mormons? Interesting.....

Mormons tend to prefer to marry Mormons.

[Nipsey]

No worse feeling. She met someone else. It's almost impossible but you have to move asap(or have her move) and then completely ignore her. They always come back once and at that time you can't tell her you want her back, you have to pretend you could take or leave it. If she buys it, you have a shot. You'll ignore this advice but good luck anyway. Happens.

[Dr. Awesome]

Be a man and run from dealing with your emotions with alcohol and physical activities.

In all seriousness, this is actually really great advice, almost regardless of where the OP wants this whole thing to go.

I'll be a man in time.... but I've been out of the game for 6 years. Need the liquid courage and need to get in shape first.

Hang out with friends. Drink. Spend time with family. Drink. Make new friends. Drink. Do stuff. Drink. Lots of stuff. Drink. More stuff. Drink more.

Seriously, spend lots of time with friends and drink heavily. It's going to suck but at least you'll be really drunk, do stupid stuff, and have funny stories about your adventures.

You're likely to ignore every bit of quality advice in this thread anyhow.

[OC Zed]

Sorry to hear about this.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to get your own #### together... professionally and personally. Finding happiness on your terms - and not looking to others to provide it for you - will inherently attract women. If in six months from now you are doing your own thing in terms of being active with friends and excelling with your career, you'll have a bevy of women to choose from. That might include your ex-girlfriend or it might not. But you wouldn't mind at that point either way as you'll no longer feel dependent on her being in your life.

It sucks. We've all been there. Things will work out for the best.

[No. 16]

Thanks guys.

So no one recommends one last ditch effort? Some type of Hail Mary play to save the relationship?

Will check in sporadically. Going to happy hour with some friends and catch the Dubs game at Hooters.

[Monsieur Meursault]

I agree that you need to grieve properly... whatever that means for you. But grieve and get it over with. Six years is a long time, and there should be no denying that it hurts. Just do not become a pathetic downer. Grieve and move on. It's over.

And then after the grieving process, you need to take some time just for yourself. I would not suggest moving on to other women quite so quickly. Unless it is just a drunken one-night-monkey-love session. Those are okay. But do not develop a relationship until maybe a year or two from now. You need to really figure out who you are, what you want, where you want to be, and where you want to go.

Good luck man.

[joffer]

Sorry. There's another guy. There's always another guy. Start moving on ASAP. it gets better.

[FatMax]

So no one recommends one last ditch effort? Some type of Hail Mary play to save the relationship?

Nope. She's already done the hard part. Her mind is made up. You'll only look like a fool, both to her and everyone else, if try that.

[Dr. Awesome]

Thanks guys.

So no one recommends one last ditch effort? Some type of Hail Mary play to save the relationship?

Will check in sporadically. Going to happy hour with some friends and catch the Dubs game at Hooters.

As Nipsey and others have said, any (extremely slim) chance you have at saving this relationship means you can't actually show you're trying to save it. Go be a rock star and stay really busy. She might see you moving on so quickly and having so much fun and reconsider. THAT is your hail mary. Pining over her and begging for one more chance feels like the right move but it really isn't. That road is a guaranteed dead end.

[St. Louis Bob]

You dumb, lucky, bastard.

[St. Louis Bob]

It doesn't ease your pain, but these guys are right. Your ability to love, to think you have/had the "one" is very different in your early to mid twenties. As you get older, wiser, more secure in your job and finances, you'll have all kinds of other options along with different perspectives. Trust me, I had the greatest hottest most beautiful girl when i was in my early 20s. We were engaged to by married. She broke it off because I wasn't Mormon. At the time, I was devastated. ALL my guy friends agreed she was a 9.5 on a 10 scale. By the time I was 30, I thanked God we didn't get married. And this was well before meeting my wife. Just give it time, have some fun, you are only twenty something and carefree for a short time.

What? Hot girls like Mormons? Interesting.....

Mormons tend to prefer to marry Mormons.

She figured out when you didn't lay perfectly still, amiright?

[joffer]

Hang out with friends. Drink. Spend time with family. Drink. Make new friends. Drink. Do stuff. Drink. Lots of stuff. Drink. More stuff. Drink

Just leave your cell phone at home

[cstu]

Thanks guys.

So no one recommends one last ditch effort? Some type of Hail Mary play to save the relationship?

Will check in sporadically. Going to happy hour with some friends and catch the Dubs game at Hooters.

Absolutely not. She is doing you a huge favor even if you do not recognize it right now.

[Apple Juice]

This is the most accurate, non-schtick-reply, sensible thread about a relationship I've ever read here. Cudos to all involved. It's true, most people have felt what you're feeling. As badly as most of us have probably handled it, trust everyone who says that pining for her or doing something you saw some jaggoff do in a movie to win the girl back will only fail and make you feel much, much, much worse.

[cstu]

Seeing her everyday just makes me realize how great of a person I'm losing.

Stop putting the ##### on a pedestal.

[Cunk]

Don't beat yourself up over this. You are who you are and she is who she is. Don't "change" for her. She probably told you what you already know and that isn't a bad thing.

[PrinceofDarkness]

Thanks guys.

So no one recommends one last ditch effort? Some type of Hail Mary play to save the relationship?

Will check in sporadically. Going to happy hour with some friends and catch the Dubs game at Hooters.

As Nipsey and others have said, any (extremely slim) chance you have at saving this relationship means you can't actually show you're trying to save it. Go be a rock star and stay really busy. She might see you moving on so quickly and having so much fun and reconsider. THAT is your hail mary. Pining over her and begging for one more chance feels like the right move but it really isn't. That road is a guaranteed dead end.

You will regret it if you try the Hail Mary effort. And when it inevitably fails, you with loathe yourself for trying.

[cstu]

I told her I would change:

No you won't. Sorry guy. If you change you should do it because it's who you are. There's always a give an take in relationships but if you have to make massive overhauls to your personality to be with someone, chances are you're with the wrong person.

And she's right. You've been together since you were 20? You need to go enjoy the life of a single guy in his 20's. It sucks now but throw yourself into some women asap and a few months from now you'll be pretty happy.

ETA - to put it bluntly, she's gone for good but it's for the best. From the little you wrote I'm highly skeptical you two were as great a match as you think right now.

Is what she is asking a "massive overhaul" or me just putting a little more effort. It's not like we don't go out, but especially this past year with our new jobs it has been a bit harder than in the past. I agree people shouldn't have to make massive overhauls to be with someone and I didn't think her reason was a "massive overhaul". Then again if it is what we are supposedly breaking up over then in her eyes it is.

As for the match thing, who knows? Can't remember the last argument we had. We both enjoy a lot of the same interests (we just don't do them enough is her complaint), have the same goals and values in life. You could be right, but like I said this came out of left field and I'm sure our friends and families will be shocked when it hits Facebook because everyone thought we were going to get married soon.

This is tough love, but as someone who has been there it's stuff you need to hear.

She doesn't really want to you change, she wants you out of her life so she can #### other people.

[Steed]

Thanks guys.

So no one recommends one last ditch effort? Some type of Hail Mary play to save the relationship?

Will check in sporadically. Going to happy hour with some friends and catch the Dubs game at Hooters.

As Nipsey and others have said, any (extremely slim) chance you have at saving this relationship means you can't actually show you're trying to save it. Go be a rock star and stay really busy. She might see you moving on so quickly and having so much fun and reconsider. THAT is your hail mary. Pining over her and begging for one more chance feels like the right move but it really isn't. That road is a guaranteed dead end.

Great advice. The best revenge is to lead a great life.

Whatever you do, don't allow yourself to be alone the next couple months. Surround yourself with family, friends, colleagues, activities, strangers. As soon as you get lonely your gonna reach for the phone. Whatever you, don't call her!

She beat you to the break-up, she's got a lead on you now. But you can make up ground on her if you move on faster, even if you haven't. If your still living together, it's time to start going out and not coming home a couple nights a week. Sleep at your parents, friends wherever, but get her wondering what your upto. Then be as evasive about as you can, but don't show any ill will or your cover is blown. Be casual about it and a gentlemanly.

Good luck.

[glumpy]

Read the first few posts and saw the last. My advice--relax. Be yourself, let her play, be there for her as long as you feel like and leave yourself open for exploration. Y'all are young and there's really no need to make a 'final' decision yet. If it works you're in high cotton. If not you've lived good times and will find more. Enjoy what you've got and don't sweat the rest. Dunno how else to say it. It'll work or not.