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Wrighteous Ray

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About Wrighteous Ray

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  1. This question confuses me. You think all the dudes walking around with ugly wives actually think those wives are attractive?
  2. There are probably a lot of reasons why you haven't taken any action here, including your noble interest in trying to raise your kids well and your fear of the consequences of splitting up. I don't view "considering negative consequences" as "cowardice" though. The truth is that no matter what you do, there will be challenges for you and your family. Only you can figure out which of those challenges you and your family can live with.
  3. In the hopes of getting this thread back on track, and in maybe providing Vegasman with some info that isn't totally useless, I'll just post something that in hindsight, I was pretty much dead wrong about. Early in the thread folks were telling Invaded "you've got to tell your wife she's fat" and stuff like that. I was fairly critical of that advice, because it was obvious to me that my wife knew she was overweight and she knew that it bothered me. There just didn't seem to be any point in saying it directly other than to antagonize her. I've since come to the realization, though, that even though she knew she was overweight and that it bothered me, she really wasn't even close to understanding the magnitude of the problem. To be honest with you, even though she appreciates it somewhat more now, I still don't think she completely understands. A big part of that is because I didn't really want to acknowledge it myself. And that seems to be a pattern here. Invaded started the thread by saying "my wife's great in pretty much every way, except this one thing." Vegasman said pretty much the same thing, and that's how I characterized it when I first chose to discuss it with some friends. But the truth is that the "one thing" dwarfs the importance of every other thing. It's like the old joke "other than that, how did you like the play Mrs. Lincoln?" Nice guys aren't supposed to think that way, and so I think a lot of us beat ourselves up over it. Vegasman is upset that he just can't get past this one thing (I used to think the same way). After all, everybody has flaws, it just seems cruel to make too big a deal out of any single flaw when we have a lot of our own. And we try not to confront our wives with it, and when we do, we understate the severity of the situation. And our wives generally view us as good guys, so they obviously don't think it's that big a deal. And they never get the message that basically every other amazing thing they do or will do is useless in our eyes if they're still obese. I can't think of any circumstance where I would be happily married to someone that was 100 pounds overweight. So as unpleasant as it is, you pretty much have to find a way to talk as directly as possible about this stuff if you want any chance at her changing her behavior. And given the fact that what you're saying probably conflicts with some strongly held beliefs that she has, this is probably going to involve a long series of conversations over a long period of time. And virtually every conversation is going to involve hurt feelings and crying and defensiveness and hostility and all around awfulness. The whole experience will be just terrible, and there is a risk that just going through these motions will result in the demise of your marriage. It sucks, especially when you have reasons (i.e. kids) why you want to keep the marriage going even if she stays overweight and unattractive. There aren't any easy answers. But unfortunately tiptoeing around the problem is destined to fail. Addressing it head-on is likely to fail too, but there may potentially at least be a sliver of a chance there.
  4. Is the "weight gain from aging" discussion even relevant in this thread where we're talking about people gaining 100 pounds in a few years?
  5. You're wrong. If it's some addiction, why are people typically in decent shape when they're young (20's), but steadily gain weight as they age? It's because your body needs fewer calories as you age and life becomes way more complicated as you age. Combine that with little desire to move much and you have weight gain. People just don't get addicted all of a sudden. I don't think any of this is inconsistent with addiction. Lots of addictions grow over time.
  6. Right, my objection was to the "lazy and selfish" characterization, or even worse, (HULK)'s notion that she is deliberately choosing to be overweight. Most of us are sympathetic to people who suffer from forms of addiction and people who who suffer from problems that are not entirely of their own making. People generally aren't sympathetic to those that are merely lazy and selfish. It makes it very easy to justify leaving or cheating if you view her weight gain as deliberate. This conversation has some similarities to one earlier in the thread where we compared the situation to one in which your wife was disfigured in a car accident. I viewed the situation as not identical, but somewhat similar. Other folks wouldn't even entertain the thought that there might be some similarities.
  7. Just to clarify, I wouldn't judge Vegasman if he decided to leave the marriage or even if he had an extramarital affair. I have a pretty good idea what he's going through and I agree that it is terrible. With that said, I view obesity as closer to an addiction than anything else. I base this on everything I've read that seems persuasive to me based on my real-life experience. I just don't think I could reconcile my experiences with the view that it's just laziness.
  8. Yeah, if this is your perspective on why people are overweight I can see why you feel the way you do. I don't think it's a very accurate viewpoint though. Strange lack of context in this quote. Read in isolation makes him look bad, with the full quote you could see he was talking about the sex angle. OK, I added in the full quote if you think it's important. Usually I try to cut quotes down so that it's obvious what part of a quote I'm responding to.
  9. Yeah, if this is your perspective on why people are overweight I can see why you feel the way you do. I don't think it's a very accurate viewpoint though.
  10. Sounds like your wife is putting in effort, congrats - Enjoy the holiday! Thanks, she really has made a lot of changes. Hope you have a great holiday too.
  11. What happened is pretty much what I would expect. This problem, if it even can be fixed, will likely involve a lot of crying and hurt feelings. I've had a lot of nights similar to what you describe. Things have improved a lot but even with her losing a lot of weight we still have a long way to go. There's no way you'll find an easy fix while continuing in the marriage.
  12. A lot of men would trade their ##### of a wife for one who's overweight but "generally great." You got it all wrong, Vegas. Absolutely fair to say. Maybe I do have it all wrong. As I have said, it makes me feel like a POS that I feel this way. I struggled with those feelings for a long time too. I'm pretty much over them now. It doesn't make you a bad person that this has basically ruined the way you feel about your wife. It doesn't make you shallow either. Physical attractiveness should be a major component of a marriage. That's sorta what distinguishes a spouse from a friend. Good luck with everything. It can be a tough road.
  13. Does your wife know you met with the lawyer?