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Funny things your kid has said

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Conversation between my wife and 9yo son today:

Son: I swallowed a fish oil pill once. They're almost as big as a prostitute.

Wife: :unsure: a what?

S: A prostitute. Those rocket shaped things you stick up your butt.

W: Um, you mean a suppository?

S: :doh: Oh yeah. A prostitute is a doctor that sticks his hand up your butt.

W: No, that's a proctologist.

S: :confused: well then what's a... ohhhh right. A prostitute is a woman that sleeps with strangers for money.

9? :unsure:

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At a pool birthday party a couple of weeks ago. Wife takes our 3 year old son into the changing room to change their clothes. Wife undresses...

3yr old zooms in on her crotch - "where's your penis?"

Wife - " mommies don't have one"

3yr old - "what is THAT??" points to vag

Wife about to die at this point - "it's called a ######"

3yr old with confused dog sideways head tilt "How do you go peepee??"

Wife - "mommies pee differently. Ok let's go eat pizza"

Fast forward to home. We are rushing to go to a BBQ and 3yr old marches in to our room.

3yr old - "where's mommy?"

Me - "she's in the bathroom. What do you need?"

3yr old sprints to bathroom door "MOMMY!!! YOU NEED TO GROW A PENIS SO YOU CAN GO PEEPEEEEEEE!"

I nearly passed out from laughing.

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Why tell when I could show!

We just moved into our townhouse and we had yet to get all of our clothes organized. This is a video showing my daughter who was 2 at the time. She uses some colorful language!

:lmao: :lmao:
:lmao: :lmao:

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Conversation between my wife and 9yo son today:Son: I swallowed a fish oil pill once. They're almost as big as a prostitute.Wife: :unsure: a what?S: A prostitute. Those rocket shaped things you stick up your butt.W: Um, you mean a suppository?S: :doh: Oh yeah. A prostitute is a doctor that sticks his hand up your butt.W: No, that's a proctologist.S: :confused: well then what's a... ohhhh right. A prostitute is a woman that sleeps with strangers for money.

Nicely done Captain. You should be very.. proud?

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Kid (to very pregnant mom): How is the baby going to get out of you when it's born?

Mom: It'll come out Mommy's va gina.

Kid: What's a va gina?

Mom: It's a place between Mommy's legs.

Kid: Oh. You mean the fur.

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My 6 year-old daughter in a dressing room with my wife trying on clothes:

Daughter: Mom, your horns are showing.

Wife: My what?

D: Your horns.

W: Those aren't horns, Molly. They're nipples.

D: Well they look like horns to me.

Nothing like hearing the entire fitting room crack up :lmao:

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Kid (to very pregnant mom): How is the baby going to get out of you when it's born?Mom: It'll come out Mommy's va gina.Kid: What's a va gina?Mom: It's a place between Mommy's legs.Kid: Oh. You mean the fur.

:lmao:

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A note on my 8 y.o.'s drawing...

I hate you, you hate meLet's team up to kill Barney!You get the pistol,I get the gunThis is going to be some FUN!

He says it is a song that they sing at school. :lmao:

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Maybe not laugh out loud funny, but made me chuckle.

At dinner last night... girls are still eating while we are cleaning up the kitchen.

Emery (3): Mommy, can I be done?

Worm: Honey, finish your dinner. There's not much left.

Emery: I was asking for mommy!1!

Mrs. Worm: Emery, I have the same answer as daddy. Finish your dinner.

Ella (5), with a HUGE roll of the eyes: Yeah, Emery, mommy and daddy are on the same page.

Guess we've used that line a few times before. :lol:

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My 6 year-old daughter in a dressing room with my wife trying on clothes:Daughter: Mom, your horns are showing.Wife: My what?D: Your horns.W: Those aren't horns, Molly. They're nipples.D: Well they look like horns to me.Nothing like hearing the entire fitting room crack up :lmao:

Awesome

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This morning:

Cal: (Who is always up before me) Daddy, I watch the news this morning and it's going to be 150 degrees today.

Me: I don't think it is going to get that hot.

Cal: That's what they said. Why what would happen?

Me: We'll all die.

Cal: :lmao: I'm just trying to freak you out.

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My two year old boy and I were preparing to leave the house. I've got him ready to go by the door while I am putting on my shoes. He turns to me sticks his hand out as if to give me a handshake, which is kind of novel. I shake his hand and he says in a very serious way,"Hi! My name is David."

(His name is Malcolm.)

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My two year old boy and I were preparing to leave the house. I've got him ready to go by the door while I am putting on my shoes. He turns to me sticks his hand out as if to give me a handshake, which is kind of novel. I shake his hand and he says in a very serious way,"Hi! My name is David." (His name is Malcolm.)

Weird. 4 year old daughter: What's patience?My buddy (who doesn't have kids): It's a virtue. What's a virtue?It's like the good part of you character. What's my character?The choices you make and all the things you say and do. Oh, so patience is the same as when I do good things and get to stay up late?Me :lmao:Buddy: Huh?Me: yes honey. If you're patient you are doing good. Patience is when you wait your turn, or don't whine when you want something right away. Her: Oooooooh. I get it. Why didn't Mr Jason just say that?

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Conversation between my wife and 9yo son today:Son: I swallowed a fish oil pill once. They're almost as big as a prostitute.Wife: :unsure: a what?S: A prostitute. Those rocket shaped things you stick up your butt.W: Um, you mean a suppository?S: :doh: Oh yeah. A prostitute is a doctor that sticks his hand up your butt.W: No, that's a proctologist.S: :confused: well then what's a... ohhhh right. A prostitute is a woman that sleeps with strangers for money.

Nicely done Captain. You should be very.. proud?
Putting on his new baseball socks this weekend. They are a little long and come up past his knees."Dad, look how long these socks are. I look like a stripper!"I swear I don't teach him this stuff:unsure:

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Conversation between my wife and 9yo son today:Son: I swallowed a fish oil pill once. They're almost as big as a prostitute.Wife: :unsure: a what?S: A prostitute. Those rocket shaped things you stick up your butt.W: Um, you mean a suppository?S: :doh: Oh yeah. A prostitute is a doctor that sticks his hand up your butt.W: No, that's a proctologist.S: :confused: well then what's a... ohhhh right. A prostitute is a woman that sleeps with strangers for money.

Nicely done Captain. You should be very.. proud?
Putting on his new baseball socks this weekend. They are a little long and come up past his knees."Dad, look how long these socks are. I look like a stripper!"I swear I don't teach him this stuff:unsure:
we're all just waiting for the naked jump party that makes you all jumpy and quo.

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Quick story, not so much what my kid said though, but belongs here.

We recently moved and have a neighborhood pond in our backyard, filled with geese right now (which I hate). Kid (4 years old) recently watched "A Christmas Carol" again, saw the scene at the end with the Cratchit eating the goose dinner.

K: Dad, let's go catch a goose for dinner. You get something to bonk it and I'll put it in my bag.

We proceed to grab a long wooden closet pole and him a bag. Wife said it was hilarious as we were "sneaking" up on a flock of geese, hiding behind trees, etc. came out a-swinging for a goose. Obviously didn't even get close. Now every evening, if the geese are out, we go out trying to catch one for dinner, and he constantly talks about how he's going to cook it and eat it. So awesome!

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Couldve sworn my 3 yr old was saying the "####in phone".

No clue where he gets it from. We dont swear in front of him but its hard to stop others until its too late.

Edited by shadyridr

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Oh and he puts Dada or Mama at the end of EVERY sentence when hes talking to us. Its cute and Ill look back on these days when hes older and hates us but its also quite maddening.

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Quick story, not so much what my kid said though, but belongs here.We recently moved and have a neighborhood pond in our backyard, filled with geese right now (which I hate). Kid (4 years old) recently watched "A Christmas Carol" again, saw the scene at the end with the Cratchit eating the goose dinner.K: Dad, let's go catch a goose for dinner. You get something to bonk it and I'll put it in my bag.We proceed to grab a long wooden closet pole and him a bag. Wife said it was hilarious as we were "sneaking" up on a flock of geese, hiding behind trees, etc. came out a-swinging for a goose. Obviously didn't even get close. Now every evening, if the geese are out, we go out trying to catch one for dinner, and he constantly talks about how he's going to cook it and eat it. So awesome!

So what happens when you do accidentally :lmao:

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Wife is sitting in reclining chair.

I'm sitting on the coach which makes an "L" shape with the chair as we are watching TV.

My slightly autistic son walks into the room from the kitchen.

The kitchen is behind the chair wife is sitting in, but I can see him enter the room with no problem. She can't.

He walks up to the left side of her chair, with a hamburger in each hand. Home made kind with the big sesame seed buns. :yes:

He says, "Hey Mom." She looks to her left as he takes these big bunned hamburgers, does a 180 so his back is to her, places one in each hand, then firmly presses them against each cheek and says, "look, I have ### burgers." :excited: :excited: :lmao: :lmao:

This is genuinely one of the wittiest and creative original lines that I have ever heard let alone from a child. Tell me you wet yourself laughing and then felt mighty damn proud.

It happened about 10 days ago on a Sunday evening. We all still laugh so hard about it.

It was also completely out of the blue. He had come downstairs to get his food and was on his way back up to eat and play his video games.

I took him in this morning for his three month checkup. His doctor was :lmao::lmao::lmao: :lmao:

I'm sure it made his day.

Also, it's the first time ever that he verbally admitted to having it.

He did this tonight and posted it on my FB.

He got a FT job programming last OCT. He's doing very well. He moved in ten days ago with his twin sister and fiance. One day, she will have to over look him, and she came up with this idea for him to move in as the next step for him to live on his own.

Michael is my future SIL a month from today. He's 100% Italian. He's an awesome cook as his dad runs an Italian restaurant.

Shopping with Michael cartoon

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2 years old... She smacks herself in the face with a toy.

"I hurt my wip."

Touches it and looks at blood on her finger.

"Ahhhhh! I hurt my finger too!"

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1. I'll preface this by saying that I'm not a morning person.

Was at the airport recently with my family. My six year old said he wouldn't want to be a pilot, because he wouldn't want to work at night.

He proclaimed that he would want to be a baker.

I reminded him that he'd have to get up hours before the first person that wanted a doughnut. Wife chimed in that he'd probably have to get up about three hours before he does now. He thought about this for a minute, groaned and said, "Oh... Dad definitely wouldn't want to be a baker".

2. In the car this last week with my two boys. Six year old, out of nowhere: "Dad, you're pretty old - but you're still pretty great to have as a dad".

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Me: Nannah, you tired?

Daughter: Nooooo!

Me: You look tired baby, want to take a nap?

Her: I wake up!

Not too funny typing it, but I guess its just funny the way she says it. Especially in the car when shes damn near passed out. "I wake up!" Has me rolling every time.

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My nephew is turning 13 and asking me all kinds of questions about girls. He's already has a basic understanding due to his 'research' on the interweb. Last night I was telling him how risky it is to have sex (std's, pregnancy) and that he should stick to getting BJ's.

Him - "What do I after I'm done? What about the girl?"

Me - "Do the thing I told you about earlier"

Him - "Say thank you?"

Me - :lmao::lmao:

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Last fall my 7 y.o and I are out running errands. My wife needed pecans for something or other so we make a stop at the local bulk food place to get some. I have a horrible habit of not looking at how much things are and just filling up the bag, which resulted in me buying about $40 worth of pecans. My wife finds out how much I spent and of course teases me about it for the next little while, but we really haven't spoken of it since.

Fast forward to June of this year. We're driving home from my son's flag football practice and my wife and I are talking about this August being our 10th wedding anniversary, what plans we are making for that and that the gift for 10 years is diamonds. We go on to discuss other expenses that we have coming up over the summer and what we can, and cannot afford to do.

Out of nowhere my son pipes up from the backseat "Momma, you're not getting diamonds for your anniversary because Poppa spent all his money on pecans!"

My wife and I were both in tears we were laughing so hard.

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The whole family was having dinner and the kids were asking what surgeries anyone in the family have had. After going through them, our 10-year old said that the family dog had also surgery. Our three-year old perks up:

3yo Son: Wicket had surgery??? Why?

10yo Daughter: They cut his balls off.

3yo Son: Cut off his balls?? Why?

Me: So he can't have any babies. . .

3yo Son: Well, I still have my balls. Where are my babies?

:lmao: :lmao:

####### kids.

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Driving home with my wife and 7 year old son in the back.

Son: Did somebody fart?

My wife: No, why?

Son: Oh, because I did. *giggles*

Me: :lmao:

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My wife was showing my 8 year old how to make a number three by holding your little finger down with your thumb (not sure why he couldn't do this yet.

He told her "Now if I could tie my shoes and whistle I would be set for life".

(He is resisting all efforts to get him to tie his own shoes)

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We're trying to use M&M's to bribe my 3 yr old to get her potty trained.

Me: Addison, if you make pee pee in the potty I'll give you some candy.

8 yr old gets up and says "ok" and runs to the bathroom. Comes back and says, "I just went to the bathroom, where's my candy?"

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I love this thread. My daughter just turned 7 and just comes up with stuff, it's awesome. I can't keep track anymore of the stuff she says that cracks me up.

My little sweetheart wants to be a viking for halloween. She has an outfit, we bought her a shield and sword set but it was too small. She was in love with this giant shield.

So at lunch I buy the giant shield and ask her you want a sword or axe, she says surprise me.

I bring home A WARHAMMER!!!! She burst into tears that's not a sword or axe!!!!

me: :kicksrock:

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I love this thread. My daughter just turned 7 and just comes up with stuff, it's awesome. I can't keep track anymore of the stuff she says that cracks me up.My little sweetheart wants to be a viking for halloween. She has an outfit, we bought her a shield and sword set but it was too small. She was in love with this giant shield.So at lunch I buy the giant shield and ask her you want a sword or axe, she says surprise me.I bring home A WARHAMMER!!!! She burst into tears that's not a sword or axe!!!! me: :kicksrock:

My 4yo had a dress up day at school and she wanted to be a doctor. So we told her we'd buy her a doctor coat to wear. Thinking it wouldn't be that hard to find at a store considering it's Halloween we waited until the night before. We went to three different huge Halloween stores...nothing. Finally we found a store that had lab coats but they were too big. We settled and convinced (so we thought) her to go as an ER doctor wearing scrubs. The next morning when we talk to her about wearing the scrubs she flips out, yelling "I want doctor coat!". :wall:

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"No, I will not rob someone for you."

:lmao:

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Me: Jesus!

4yo daughter: Christ! Christ! Christ! Christ!

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I love the veiled insults that kids can throw out and get away with.

A couple weeks ago my six year old nephew asked my wife, "Auntie, when you were young did you have to hunt for your food?"

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Driving home with my wife and 7 year old son in the back.Son: Did somebody fart?My wife: No, why?Son: Oh, because I did. *giggles*Me: :lmao:

Had one like this the other day."Ew, it stinks in here!"What does it stink like, buddy?"Well, I just farted so it smells like my butt!"

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My 6 yr old son & I had a conversation the other day while we were playing mario kart and I fell off the road on the last turn and ended up in last place... went like this

son: "Way to go Dad, Good Job!"

me: "thanks"

son: "and when I say good job i mean the other meaning for good job. like bad job. I'm being ... (pause) whats that word again"

me: "sarcastic?"

son: "yeah that. Im being sarcastic"

:lmao:

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again my 6 yr old boy

son: "dad, mom says she's the boss. She's wrong right?"

me: (not sure how to answer) "well she is your boss thats right... her and I are both the boss"

son: "yeah but she's the little boss and you're the big boss right"

me: (smiling) "yes... thats right"

son: "cool... and I'm Sofia (3yrs) & Roman's (18mos) boss right? they have to listen to me when you guys arent around"

I thought it was funny

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6 yr old son is taking a bath and I'm walking past the bathroom when he calls for me to come in because he has a very important question... Here was the convo

Son: "why do we have balls?"

Me: "why do u think we have balls?"

Son: (thinkin hard...) "oh I know!! It's to hold up the peepee or maybe it just holds the pee!! Is that right?"

Me: (trying to hold my laughter) "ask your mom maybe she knows"

Son: (movin on) "... So when will my balls hold a beard?"

Me: "a what?"

Son: "a beard... When will they hold a beard like yours? Not till I get older right?"

I don't even remember my response after that haha

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again my 6 yr old boyson: "dad, mom says she's the boss. She's wrong right?"me: (not sure how to answer) "well she is your boss thats right... her and I are both the boss"son: "yeah but she's the little boss and you're the big boss right"me: (smiling) "yes... thats right"son: "cool... and I'm Sofia (3yrs) & Roman's (18mos) boss right? they have to listen to me when you guys arent around"I thought it was funny

This isn't really funny but it shows the Machiavellian way kids think. Angled every way he could to make sure he was someone's boss. You're kid is sharp, you should be proud.

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12 year old daughter was at the mall with a friend and was supposed to get a ride home with the friend's mom. My daughter calls my wife to ask if she can get chick-fill-a and bring it home for dinner (the plan was to buy it right before they left). My wife say's sure... but can you bring home another meal for your sister? My daughter says "Uuuugh! It would be so much easier if you just drove to get dinner for her."

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