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Funny things your kid has said

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Took my daughter to dance class. Gone for about three hours. We get home and my wife asks my daughter how dance class was. Daughter responds:

"It was great, how was your three hours of sitting on the couch?"

I lost it.

:lmao:

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Christmas Eve, and we are sitting in church, waiting for the service to begin. My son Andy (10) is being normal and making his bit of obnoxious noise because we were early and he is bored. My brother turned to him and said he needed to be quiet. He stared at my brother with a blank face and said "you have an extraordinarily large nose". (He doesn't)

My 6 year old little girl on the other side of my brother turns to her brother and says "Andy this is serious, this is God."

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Two of my boys were fighting in the back of the van today. The 9yo says to the 6yo, "you are a pig!" The 6 yo replies "you are a pig's butt!"

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I won a backgammon tournament last night and my 12 yo daughter asked me what I won.

My 8yo son responded to her saying that I won bragging rights. He then turned to me and in a deadpan voice asked me if I did any bragging. :lmao:

Edited by chet
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I won a backgammon tournament last night and my 12 yo daughter asked me what I won.

My 8yo son responded to her saying that I won bragging rights. He then turned to me and in a deadpan voice asked me if I did any bragging. :lmao:

Congrats?

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Last weekend as I'm preparing lunch for my 2.5 year old son.

Me: What do you want for lunch?

Him: ummm... sandwich!

Me: What kind of sandwich do you want?

Him: Peanut butter jelly time!

Me: I'm having peanut butter and cheese (side note: Don't judge me... it's awesome)

Him: Are you F###ing kidding me?

Wife: :o What did you say?

Him: (thinking it's a serious question) ARE... YOU... F###ING... KIDDING... ME?

Between my wife's firey hot daggers in her eyes and the fact that I couldn't contain my laughter I had to leave the room without saying anything.

:lmao:

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I won a backgammon tournament last night and my 12 yo daughter asked me what I won.

My 8yo son responded to her saying that I won bragging rights. He then turned to me and in a deadpan voice asked me if I did any bragging. :lmao:

Congrats?

TY

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My kids are old enough now where they crack me up all the time, but it's not that cute innocent kind of funny anymore. So I'll tell you about someone else's kid instead.

Walking through Target the other day and a guy and his young daughter are going in the other direction. Just after they pass, the guy lets a small one rip.

The girl yells, "Dad! You FARTED!!"

Guy glares at her and whispers, "Shhh. No I didn't."

She yells even louder, "Dad! Now you're LYING!!"

Everyone else in the section of the store was dying.

Edit because my kids crack me up, not crap me up.

Edited by jhib

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My kids are old enough now where they crap me up all the time, but it's not that cute innocent kind of funny anymore. So I'll tell you about someone else's kid instead.

Walking through Target the other day and a guy and his young daughter are going in the other direction. Just after they pass, the guy lets a small one rip.

The girl yells, "Dad! You FARTED!!"

Guy glares at her and whispers, "Shhh. No I didn't."

She yells even louder, "Dad! Now you're LYING!!"

Everyone else in the section of the store was dying.

:lmao: Should've blamed it on the kid first.

Edited by Bucky86

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We had my mother over for dinner last night and afterwards we were all hanging out in the living room when this conversation went down:

Wife: What are you eating?

3 year old son: *blank stare*

Wife: What did you just put in your mouth?

Son: It's a booger

Wife: *Stunned silence for a second then panic mode ensues* Don't eat that! It'll uhhhh make you sick... and you'll go blind... close your eyes, that's what it's like to be blind... you don't want to be blind... let's go spit it out!

*walks him to the toilette where he spits it out*

Son: *walks out and proudly announces* "I spit it in the toilette grandma!!!!"

Edited by Kanil

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My sons have begun going to Sunday School recently. Each Sunday, the children are given a snack and it's always tied into the day's lesson. The week before Easter, the snack is a mini donut and an Oreo. The donut and Oreo are turned up on thir ends and the teached explains that the donut represents the tomb that Jesus was buried in and the Oreo is the rock that was rolled away. (Quiet a stretch, I know)

My 3.5 year old son looks at the teacher while pointing at the donut and says, "What's this?"

She explains again.

My son looks down and says, "Oh..........Because it looks like a donut."

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We went to an outdoor wedding one time and a guy I worked with sat behind us with his wife and 2 kids; daughter was probably 5 and son probably 2 or 3. The preacher was a friend of ours and wore this long, flowing white robe with red and black embroidery on the front. Everyone's seated facing the pond, it's a beautifull, sunny morning, things get quiet, the preacher walks in in his robe. It's dead silent, he lifts his arms to get everyone to stand. The only sound heard was the guy's daughter behind me asking quite loud "Mommy, is that god?"

General laughter ensued, much of it from the preacher.

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had to pick up my sons golf clubs at the course

sent him txt message

me: Your clubs are filthy

him: chunked a few

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Last night my 7 year-old was in bed playing his DS and I brought in clean clothes for him.

Me: "I brought you some clean jeans!"

Him: singsing voice "I don't care"

Me: "Excuse me?"

Him: :whistle:

Me: "How about Thank you?"

Him: "You're welcome!"

Me: :wall:

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The other day our almost 4-year old caught a glimpse of mom's bush after she got up from the toilet:

"Mom, I like your butt mustache!"

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The other day our almost 4-year old caught a glimpse of mom's bush after she got up from the toilet:

"Mom, I like your butt mustache!"

Tell her to wax that ####.

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The other day our almost 4-year old caught a glimpse of mom's bush after she got up from the toilet:

"Mom, I like your butt mustache!"

:tebow: Absolutely awesome!

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My 3-year-old daughter will pick her nose, and when questioned, will say that she's just checking for boogers. Most of which she will then eat, unless we get her a tissue.

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My sons have begun going to Sunday School recently. Each Sunday, the children are given a snack and it's always tied into the day's lesson. The week before Easter, the snack is a mini donut and an Oreo. The donut and Oreo are turned up on thir ends and the teached explains that the donut represents the tomb that Jesus was buried in and the Oreo is the rock that was rolled away. (Quiet a stretch, I know)

My 3.5 year old son looks at the teacher while pointing at the donut and says, "What's this?"

She explains again.

My son looks down and says, "Oh..........Because it looks like a donut."

wat

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My sons have begun going to Sunday School recently. Each Sunday, the children are given a snack and it's always tied into the day's lesson. The week before Easter, the snack is a mini donut and an Oreo. The donut and Oreo are turned up on thir ends and the teached explains that the donut represents the tomb that Jesus was buried in and the Oreo is the rock that was rolled away. (Quiet a stretch, I know)

My 3.5 year old son looks at the teacher while pointing at the donut and says, "What's this?"

She explains again.

My son looks down and says, "Oh..........Because it looks like a donut."

wat

Exactly.

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The other day our almost 4-year old caught a glimpse of mom's bush after she got up from the toilet:

"Mom, I like your butt mustache!"

:useless:

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My 5 year old was in the yard with my MIL when she started freaking out and screaming:

"Look out Nana!!! The snake is going to get you!! That snake is going to eat you!! Look out!!"

Yeah, it was a caterpillar.

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We were at a ceremony and there was a baby behind us. My 2yo and 4yo were enthralled with her. They kept telling me what she was doing, how cute she was, what kind of the stuff the grandma had. I kept shushing them but they kept studying this baby. Finally I said "you guys act like you've never seen a baby before."

4yo says "we've never seen THAT baby before!"

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5 yo son got a wood tick and wife pulled it off.

Son: What do wood ticks do?

Wife: Bite you and suck your blood.

Son: How many lives do I have left?

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We were at a ceremony and there was a baby behind us. My 2yo and 4yo were enthralled with her. They kept telling me what she was doing, how cute she was, what kind of the stuff the grandma had. I kept shushing them but they kept studying this baby. Finally I said "you guys act like you've never seen a baby before."

4yo says "we've never seen THAT baby before!"

Sounds like you should have another baby.

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5 yo son got a wood tick and wife pulled it off.

Son: What do wood ticks do?

Wife: Bite you and suck your blood.

Son: How many lives do I have left?

:lmao:

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My kids are old enough now where they crap me up all the time, but it's not that cute innocent kind of funny anymore. So I'll tell you about someone else's kid instead.

Walking through Target the other day and a guy and his young daughter are going in the other direction. Just after they pass, the guy lets a small one rip.

The girl yells, "Dad! You FARTED!!"

Guy glares at her and whispers, "Shhh. No I didn't."

She yells even louder, "Dad! Now you're LYING!!"

Everyone else in the section of the store was dying.

:lmao: Should've blamed it on the kid first.

Reminds me of when I was about 12 and shopping for winter jackets. I walked by where my mother was talking to the sales guy 1:1, away from anyone. Obscured by a coat rack and unibserved I crop dusted the worst silent but deadly fart ever.

It was so bad that my mother gathered up my brother and I and instinctually took us to the safety of the car.

My mother explained that the sales person had farted so badly while they were talking her eyes were still burning.

I told her what I stealthfully did and my brother made the observation that if she thought it was the sales guy, he must have thought it was her.

Never saw my mother so mortified. Never laughed so hard.

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My nephew's neighbor during a playdate when he was four: Ned, do you need to go to the potty?

Ned: No, sometimes I just like to touch my penis.

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My nephew's neighbor during a playdate when he was four: Ned, do you need to go to the potty?

Ned: No, sometimes I just like to touch my penis.

Don't we all, Ned. Don't we all.

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This letter from Floppo Jr (6yo son) showed up sometime after christmas:

To Mom and Dad,

Could you please keep (2yo sister) off of my property (propdy). That means she is not allowed (aloud) on my toys and room and try to teach her to say please and to not let her stay up past me because I'm older & more responsible (insponsoboul) and I love you more.

Thank you,

From Floppo Jr.

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This letter from Floppo Jr (6yo son) showed up sometime after christmas:

To Mom and Dad,

Could you please keep (2yo sister) off of my property (propdy). That means she is not allowed (aloud) on my toys and room and try to teach her to say please and to not let her stay up past me because I'm older & more responsible (insponsoboul) and I love you more.

Thank you,

From Floppo Jr.

This is more intelligible than some of the posts here.

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This conversation happened as my wife got out of the shower:

3yo son: Where's your peepee?

Wife: (deer in headlights) .... Girls don't have peepees... boys have peepees, girls have ######s

3yo son: (must have heard it wrong because he repeats it as...) Boys have peepees, girls have ninja turtles.

Wife: :unsure:

3yo son: I want a ninja turtle... I love them!

He then spent the next 5 minutes complaining about wanting a ninja turtle. He's super jealous of girls now.

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My 6 yo son tonight asked, "When I was one, was I super excited to be alive?"

Yes buddy. You've always been super happy.

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I didn't realize how large my nostrils were until my 3 year old son looked up at me and said, "Dad, there's a spider in your nose."

Normally, I try to keep the ol' sniffer hairs in line, but I only get the front-on view in the mirror. Perspective can be a #####.

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I didn't realize how large my nostrils were until my 3 year old son looked up at me and said, "Dad, there's a spider in your nose."

Normally, I try to keep the ol' sniffer hairs in line, but I only get the front-on view in the mirror. Perspective can be a #####.

Sporting this look?

http://thebiglead.com/2014/06/29/greece-coach-fernando-santos-may-want-to-trim-his-nose-hair/

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I overhead my normally shy, quiet 6 yo daughter say out loud while playing Roblox online..."Come at me brah". I lost it :lmao:.

Edited by regularguy
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We were discussing my latest pregnancy at dinner the other night. The kids were trying to one up each other on who figured it out soonest. The 13yo (#3) said "I knew as soon as they locked the door."

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I didn't realize how large my nostrils were until my 3 year old son looked up at me and said, "Dad, there's a spider in your nose."

Normally, I try to keep the ol' sniffer hairs in line, but I only get the front-on view in the mirror. Perspective can be a #####.

Crazy. I have twin boys that are 3 years old... and one of them told me a couple weeks ago, "You have spiders (plural) in your nose." I had let the nose hair go untrimmed a bit too long, obviously, haha. That said, my boys have been obsessed with spiders and spider webs the last couple months.

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We were discussing my latest pregnancy at dinner the other night. The kids were trying to one up each other on who figured it out soonest. The 13yo (#3) said "I knew as soon as they locked the door."

That. Is. Awesome! You sound like you have a great communicative relationship with your kids.

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We had a tornado warning a couple weeks ago and had to go down into the basement. The 6 year old said to the four year old

Don't worry Emma. I'll show you how to stop, drop and roll. '

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We were discussing my latest pregnancy at dinner the other night. The kids were trying to one up each other on who figured it out soonest. The 13yo (#3) said "I knew as soon as they locked the door."

:lmao:

:lmao:

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We had a tornado warning a couple weeks ago and had to go down into the basement. The 6 year old said to the four year old

Don't worry Emma. I'll show you how to stop, drop and roll. '

:lmao:

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This conversation happened as my wife got out of the shower:

3yo son: Where's your peepee?

Wife: (deer in headlights) .... Girls don't have peepees... boys have peepees, girls have ######s

3yo son: (must have heard it wrong because he repeats it as...) Boys have peepees, girls have ninja turtles.

Wife: :unsure:

3yo son: I want a ninja turtle... I love them!

He then spent the next 5 minutes complaining about wanting a ninja turtle. He's super jealous of girls now.

Your 3 year old son saw his mom butt naked?

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This conversation happened as my wife got out of the shower:

3yo son: Where's your peepee?

Wife: (deer in headlights) .... Girls don't have peepees... boys have peepees, girls have ######s

3yo son: (must have heard it wrong because he repeats it as...) Boys have peepees, girls have ninja turtles.

Wife: :unsure:

3yo son: I want a ninja turtle... I love them!

He then spent the next 5 minutes complaining about wanting a ninja turtle. He's super jealous of girls now.

Your 3 year old son saw his mom butt naked?

Yes.

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My 4 year old niece has picked up, "Look at me, I'm the captain now." It would be funnier if it wasn't so true.

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This conversation happened as my wife got out of the shower:

3yo son: Where's your peepee?

Wife: (deer in headlights) .... Girls don't have peepees... boys have peepees, girls have ######s

3yo son: (must have heard it wrong because he repeats it as...) Boys have peepees, girls have ninja turtles.

Wife: :unsure:

3yo son: I want a ninja turtle... I love them!

He then spent the next 5 minutes complaining about wanting a ninja turtle. He's super jealous of girls now.

Your 3 year old son saw his mom butt naked?

Yes.

Ok. I don't think that's normal.

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