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Funny things your kid has said

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On 12/7/2019 at 8:22 PM, KarmaPolice said:

A couple jems from the 4 year old this week:

1.  We pick up her 13 year old brother (for whatever reason, she has resorted to calling him "bro" or even more recently, "brah") from basketball.  I wasn't paying attention, but I hear this exasperated sigh and hear "let me roll this window down" followed by her yelling out the window (it was about 20 degrees) -- "bro, why don't you have any pants on??!!"   I just about pissed myself.  The tone of the sigh was very much like "let me roll down this window and holla at this mofo".  

2.   At her daycare, they have a letter of the week, so we have been treated to "A is for Apple" and "C is for Cookie" pictures that they have sent home of drawings, stickers, etc.   Today, I open up her take home folder and I am treated to THIS jem.  

https://toofab.com/2019/12/13/thousands-of-10-inch-throbbing-penis-fish-wash-up-on-californian-shore/

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My boys go by their middle names, which makes it hard to “middle name” them when they are in trouble. So I will reverse order their names for fullest impact possible but it just sounds silly. Yesterday I told #10 (5yo today!):

middle name first name, please clear your breakfast dishes. 

He replies: “clown car mommy, you do it for me!”

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Daughter turned 4 last week. We’re getting ready to go to another kid’s party, Davis. Wife gets in shower. 9 year old asks daughter, “Where’d Mommy go?”

Daughter: “She’s in the shower so Davis will know that she’s clean.”

Edited by Mr. Ham
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Earlier today, daughter hit son hard in the nuts. He was down for a few minutes. Wife reprimanded her, and daughter represented herself in the trial. “I didn’t do it. I don’t even go to learning school.”

Irrefutable. Jury acquitted. 

Edited by Mr. Ham
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Driving in car with wife and kids. Daughter, 4, toots. Wife enquires if that was a toot or a poop. Daughter says toot.

Minute later, 9 year old says, “Hey dad, want to know the first and second difference between a toot and a poop?”

”What’s that, son?”

”I don’t know, but I can tell you the turd.”

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11 hours ago, Mr. Ham said:

Driving in car with wife and kids. Daughter, 4, toots. Wife enquires if that was a toot or a poop. Daughter says toot.

Minute later, 9 year old says, “Hey dad, want to know the first and second difference between a toot and a poop?”

”What’s that, son?”

”I don’t know, but I can tell you the turd.”

What was going on under the hood of the above story is my best advertisement for why having kids is AMAZING.

As he was delivering the punchline, my 9 year old was already starting to crack up, because:

A) He knew Mom was about to come down on him like a ton of bricks, but...

B) He also knew it was funny and was 100% going to get me going, which...

C) Was all he really cared about because...

D) Then his 4 year old sister would have an over-the-top laughing fit and...

E) Mom would reluctantly laugh despite herself...

You could tell as he started to erupt in a belly laugh that he foresaw all of this, and he reveled in birthing it. And for 10-15 seconds, all was completely right in the world. There is no orchestra that can produce something more beautiful.

Edited by Mr. Ham
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On ‎2‎/‎8‎/‎2020 at 11:13 PM, Mr. Ham said:

Driving in car with wife and kids. Daughter, 4, toots. Wife enquires if that was a toot or a poop. Daughter says toot.

Minute later, 9 year old says, “Hey dad, want to know the first and second difference between a toot and a poop?”

”What’s that, son?”

”I don’t know, but I can tell you the turd.”

This kid is going places.

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Went to a family Bday party over the weekend.  It's my side of the family, which offers nothing for my kids (11, 14, 16).  No cousins their age.  Only grown ups, with a few baby/toddlers thrown in.  With that in mind, that means no xbox or playstation.  No wiffleball, no football.  These kids are extremely bored and unhappy.  We go maybe twice a year to see my family, and it is a pain to get them to go. This time we did not tell them where we were going until we were on the road.  It was a very quiet ride there.  We pull up in front of the house and my wife goes into typical mom mode on the kids...

Mama Peak: Ok.  So we're going to see Dad's family.  I know you're going to be bored, but mind your manners.  Older Peak, put down your phone and talk to someone.  Middle Peak, don't be obnoxious and hang around the food.  Little Peak, no running around chasing the toddlers and scaring them.

Older Peak (16): How long are we staying?  Will we really be here for 3 hours?!

Middle Peak (14): What?!?  This is going to be sooo boring.  What do you expect us to do for 3 hours?!?

Little Peak (11):  Smile and wave boys....smile and wave.

The car fell silent as my wife just stared at Little Peak.  I lost it and tried to contain myself.  The other two saw me and picked up on it, but my wife was straight up confused.

With all of us but my wife laughing now, my wife tried to keep her rules enforced.

Mama Peak: Yes...smile and wave and we'll all get along just fine.

Needless to say, the kids walked into the house singing..."I like to move it move it...."  :lmao::lmao::lmao:

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This one had 4 grown adults laughing today. Not my kid, but my kid is in the story. 

We are at the park and there is a disturbance between four kids. 2 boys (6&7yo), 2 girls (7&8yo). The 7yo girl is mine. The 7yo boy is telling us why he twisted the fingers of the 8yo girl.
 

He says my daughter attacked him. It is not like her to be aggressive so I asked specifically what she did. He said she tackled him to the ground. I said then why did you twist the other girls fingers? He said “because when Petra tackled me I realized I liked it and was trying to get her to do it again but Anna wouldn’t get out of the way”

We all tried so hard to cover our laughing. We all failed. 

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Years ago my then 8 yo son, 10 yo daughter, wife, and I are watching tv one night.  Wife is also folding clothes and says to me that I need to get some new underwear because there were some holes in a couple pair.  Next morning wife is driving the kids to school and son announces "I have been thinking about the holes in Dad's underwear...I think he is having sex at the office".

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We live several hours away from one half of my family, but we drove up to see them last weekend for a baby shower for one of my cousins.  My daughter (4) hasn't seen any of these people since she was 2, and so I highly doubted that she'd remember anyone at all.  We had a talk on the ride there about who she would see, their names, and that we would be with her (wouldn't just leave her in a house full of "strangers").  We explain that it's a party for Michelle, and she's going to have a baby girl. 

Daughter walks in holding my hand.  Immediately I spot Michelle, so I tell her "there's Michelle, this is her party" and she's obv. preggo (tiny girl, looked ready to pop).  Daughter lets go of my hand, marches right up to Michelle, throws up two finger guns at her belly and says "What's up, Buttercup! Good luck with that baby!" 

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Wednesday we were coming home from the water park, let the 3 boys pick out a stuffed animal.  6 year old picks a lobster and the older two 7 and 11 both picked the same octopus 

the kids like to name them and the little one named the lobster something (I don’t recall) and the older two were still undecided 

me trying to be funny “how about Octo and #####...like the James Bond movie”

8 year old:  11 year old should name his ##### since he’s whining all the time 

wife and I lost it laughing 

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12yo floppinho is a smart dude. But also a complete moron who seems to thrive on malaprops.

"What does the expression, greater of two evils mean? Seems weird."

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So the kid and I often play the license plate game in the car.  We just spent a week in Minn (we're from CA) so Minn plates didnt count.  A few days in, she decided Wisconsin plates didn't count since we were so close to that state.

We are back in CA and she says "next time we go somewhere we should take a CA plate with us so anytime we need one, we can just take it out and call CA"

I said "That seems like cheating"

Her response: "It seems like it its cheating, but it is"

Her delivery was spot on and I just couldn't stop laughing.

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Playing Candyland with my 4 y.o. daughter last night. I’ve never been the “let your kid win” type.  In my mind the goal was to teach sportsmanship/how to lose, but the effect it’s actually giving is that it makes her more competitive than her normal demeanor. 

We’re neck and neck along the track, and I roll the dice and advance to the next to last square on the board. She needs to roll a 6 to land at the end, anything less and I’ll win on my next roll. 

She counts the spaces left, scoops up the dice, shakes them up, and announces “come on six, mama needs a new pair of shoes!”  
:rolls the dice:

”BOOM, SIX!  :throws a finger in my face:  GET ROASTED!!!”

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15 minutes ago, wlwiles said:

Playing Candyland with my 4 y.o. daughter last night. I’ve never been the “let your kid win” type.  In my mind the goal was to teach sportsmanship/how to lose, but the effect it’s actually giving is that it makes her more competitive than her normal demeanor. 

We’re neck and neck along the track, and I roll the dice and advance to the next to last square on the board. She needs to roll a 6 to land at the end, anything less and I’ll win on my next roll. 

She counts the spaces left, scoops up the dice, shakes them up, and announces “come on six, mama needs a new pair of shoes!”  
:rolls the dice:

”BOOM, SIX!  :throws a finger in my face:  GET ROASTED!!!”

What sort of abomination is Candyland with dice? It's cards with colors on them, the rare double color and the excitement of the Gumdrop Pass.

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2 hours ago, Gawain said:

What sort of abomination is Candyland with dice? It's cards with colors on them, the rare double color and the excitement of the Gumdrop Pass.

She's learning to count, isn't she?

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3 hours ago, Gawain said:

What sort of abomination is Candyland with dice? It's cards with colors on them, the rare double color and the excitement of the Gumdrop Pass.

Lol, a board game connoisseur I see. 

It’s Disney Princess themed Candyland, and we had the color cards rubber banded but left them at grandmas house during an overnight stay, so I stole one of the dice (die?) from another game. She actually prefers it this way now because there’s too many double color cards in this one, the game lasts longer with a single dice. 

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12 minutes ago, wlwiles said:

Lol, a board game connoisseur I see. 

It’s Disney Princess themed Candyland, and we had the color cards rubber banded but left them at grandmas house during an overnight stay, so I stole one of the dice (die?) from another game. She actually prefers it this way now because there’s too many double color cards in this one, the game lasts longer with a single dice. 

I have a daughter that's going to be 4 next month. I know my way around a Candyland board.

A Candyland board is 134 squares long. Using a single die, your expected squares per turn are 3.5. Your average game would last 38.3 turns. Now, if you were using the color cards and the Disney themed game has the same setup as a Regulation Candyland Board, the median game is won in 23 turns (46 cards). However, you will never experience the wonder of an interminable Candyland game that sends both players back to Mr. Mint. One out of a thousand Candyland games can last more than 102 turns.

Candyland Strategy and Analysis

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Here's one ...my daughter is almost 16.  She passed by as I was watching some NCAA basketball and asked, "Why was that guy allowed to take 3 steps"?  

She's pretty smart.  

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Posted (edited)

Started letting my almost 10 year old play Fortnight.

He’s a seriously brilliant kid, and really good at video games,

Within a week, in maybe 3 hours of game play, he’s won multiple 100 person battle royales.

So I walk in and watch him stalking this computer controlled character named Midas. I don’t know this at the time, but he’s surrounded by a bunch of henchmen and my son figured out how to disguise himself as a henchman.

He’s stalking this Midas guy and I ask what he’s doing. He tells me he wants to kill this Midas and get his gun and keycard. He then tells me he’s trying to patiently lure him into a room alone. Seeing he’s got a gun on the guy three feet away, I ask why he doesn’t shoot him now. (Apparently the henchman would have gotten him.)

Son rolls his eyes at me. “Dad, haven’t you ever plotted a murder?”

Edited by Mr. Ham
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12 hours ago, Mr. Ham said:

Started letting my almost 10 year old play Fortnight.

He’s a seriously brilliant kid, and really good at video games,

Within a week, in maybe 3 hours of game play, he’s won multiple 100 person battle royales.

So I walk in and watch him stalking this computer controlled character named Midas. I don’t know this at the time, but he’s surrounded by a bunch of henchmen and my son figured out how to disguise himself as a henchman.

He’s stalking this Midas guy and I ask what he’s doing. He tells me he wants to kill this Midas and get his gun and keycard. He then tells me he’s trying to patiently lure him into a room alone. Seeing he’s got a gun on the guy three feet away, I ask why he doesn’t shoot him now. (Apparently the henchman would have gotten him.)

Son rolls his eyes at me. “Dad, haven’t you ever plotted a murder?”

A single reaction isn't good enough for this kind of post.   Went with  🤣  but really also reacted equally with :o , 🤔 , and  :scared:

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4 year old was in the pool and said she had to go to the bathroom. I told her to get out and I’d take her. She then said she didn’t have to go. I asked if it was #1 or #2, then told her if someone pooped in the pool we’d have to drain all the water out of it and it would be closed the whole summer. She absorbed this, then thought carefully and asked what would happen if someone peed in the pool. I told her we shouldn’t pee in the pool, but that it’s not that bad, definitely not like pooping, which is a huuuugggggee deal. 

She turned away and starting swimming, and I heard her mutter to herself....

”That was a REALLY close one!”

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#11 (4yo,boy) has been on a tare today. I sat him down and said “you’ve gotten into everything today. You stole the cookies, poured out all the buttermilk, ate 8’s goldfish, peed in the laundry basket, tore up 9’s necklaces, poured salt on the cake”.
 

He said “you forgot Isaac’s boots”

But bless his heart he never lies. He goes “oh yeah I did that. Sorry”

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