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Funny things your kid has said (4 Viewers)

sublimeone said:
Girl A+ said:
sublimeone said:
My 6 year old nephew recently asked, "Why do puppies drink water out of the mom's penis?"me: "that's not what's going on buddy"nephew: "yes it is, and humans do it too!"
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yikes.
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he meant breast feed, fyi.
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Yes, I got that. Thanks. Did anyone bother to explain what is going on to him? My son is 5 and he gave a pretty disturbing display of how (he thought) babies were born. This was after he asked me if I would have another baby and proceeded to tell me how easy it is. I felt it was time to have a (simple version) talk with him.
 
We've been having car troubles lately, so while I'm at work, my wife brings the car to the garage this morning with our 4 year-old son, in tow.

My son has heard us talking about the car problems extensively for the past little while, so as my wife is speaking to the mechanic he pipes up:

Son: Excuse me.

Wife: Just a second, Tai.

Son: Excuse me.

Wife and mechanic still talking about contact info, what the car is doing, etc.

Wife: Just a second, Tai.

Son: EXCUSE ME!!

Wife: Yes, Tai.

Son: Not you, mommy, the man.

Mechanic: Yes, buddy, what's up?

Son: When we're driving the car, the engine revs too high, especially going up hills.

Mechanic: Oh, really? So, what do you think the problem is?

Son: I think daddy's too heavy.

Wife and mechanic: :lmao:

 
Sack-Religious said:
We've been having car troubles lately, so while I'm at work, my wife brings the car to the garage this morning with our 4 year-old son, in tow.My son has heard us talking about the car problems extensively for the past little while, so as my wife is speaking to the mechanic he pipes up:Son: Excuse me.Wife: Just a second, Tai.Son: Excuse me.Wife and mechanic still talking about contact info, what the car is doing, etc.Wife: Just a second, Tai.Son: EXCUSE ME!!Wife: Yes, Tai.Son: Not you, mommy, the man.Mechanic: Yes, buddy, what's up?Son: When we're driving the car, the engine revs too high, especially going up hills.Mechanic: Oh, really? So, what do you think the problem is?Son: I think daddy's too heavy.Wife and mechanic: :whistle:
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:cry: :lmao: :lmao:
 
Driving with my family in tow this weekend (4yo and 2yo). On long car trips, my wife and 4yo begin doing knock knock jokes to pass the time. Everyone's having fun with the basic little kid jokes. Then I hear this...

2yo: Daddy!

Me: ya bud...

2yo: knuk knuk!!!

Me: who's there?

2yo: POOP!! :sadbanana:

i look at my wife in shock and start laughing. everyone is in tears. the 2yo is looking around laughing and keeps saying it over and over and over.

it's the only joke he now knows, but it makes me laugh every time i think about it.

 
The week before the 4th, my boys (ages 3 and 5) promised over and over that they wouldn't cry at the fireworks if we go, please can we go, it will be so great! So we go and the 3 year old starts crying and wailing. He buries his head in his dad's shoulder. Dad says "I thought you promised not to cry." Boy says "I changed my mind!"

 
Took the family on a cruise last week. My 8 year old daughter, at the pool, saw an approximately 50 year old lady just covered with tattoos. Later, in discussing it, my daughter made the comment "that is just unacceptable to me".

 
My wife started a morning walking/jogging routine with a friend recently, however she didn't go out this morning. My 6yo daughter asks her why and it was because my wife's friend is ill. Then my daughter says in her unfiltered rambling way "well, I think you should go by yourself anyway, because then it'll help your heart and you'll be healthier and you'll get rid of those meaty thighs".

I had to wait until I got in my truck, then I laughed the whole way to work....

 
Not my kid...

Was watching my fiancee play her softball game a few weekends ago and was sitting next to some moms and their kids. One of the guys on one team is on first and the girl at bat hits an infield grounder.

The guy runs as fast as he can to second but the shortstop (female) beats him to the bag. His momentum carries him into her as he's trying to stop but he put his hands on her arms and neither fell over but they both slid back some.

One of the little boys next to me turns to his mom and says, "Mom did you see that? He raped her!" The mom was mortified.

 
Jayded said:
Not my kid...Was watching my fiancee play her softball game a few weekends ago and was sitting next to some moms and their kids. One of the guys on one team is on first and the girl at bat hits an infield grounder.The guy runs as fast as he can to second but the shortstop (female) beats him to the bag. His momentum carries him into her as he's trying to stop but he put his hands on her arms and neither fell over but they both slid back some.One of the little boys next to me turns to his mom and says, "Mom did you see that? He raped her!" The mom was mortified.
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:shrug:
 
This happened Sunday night in the Hermit household:

I came home from work (apparently my idea of an emergency and their's greatly differs :help: ) and flipped on the end of the Mets/Phils game. Rain delay. Oh well, I took the kids to the park while my wife was at the grocery store, we grabbed ice cream from the ice cream truck, chased them around. A grand time was had by all.

Walk in to the house and flip the game back on. 2 outs, 2 strikes on Jason Werth. *bam* 2 run homer.

Thinking the kids were in the back yard, I let loose with a verbal tirade against the TV screen the went something like: "F' you Wagner you God-damned washed up, worthless hick", and other similar pleasant things.

My wife walks in 15 minutes later and my lovely, sweet, kind, beautiful 3 year old daughter comes up to her, looks mommy in the eyes, and asks "Mommy, what's a God-damned washed up hick"? My wife looked at me and said "Mets blew another one, huh?"

GB my wife........

 
Son is 6 years old

Him: Dad were you alive in the 90s

Me: yeah

Him: Were you alive in the 80s

Me: yeah

HIM: Were you alive in the 70s

Me: yeah

Him: were you alive in the 60s

Me: no why?

Him: no reason your just frick -in old and he

starts laughing.

 
So my daughter has started running and sliding on the kitchen/hall pergo floors after she gets her PJ's on. They are "silky" so they slide pretty good.

Don't remember the name of the drill from H.S. basketball but basically your are diving for a loose ball and giving yourself "burns" in the process :whoosh: .

She slides once, I'm standing there I yell "Loose Ball" and run towards her and slide on the floor my self.

I created a monster. She runs around the house Yelling "Loose Ball" and then slides.

My kid hustles better than your kid :jawdrop:

 
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I have NO idea where my daughter picked this up but I was literally in tears from :goodposting: .

My wife was talking about something and out of nowhere my daughter says:

"You know, you keep saying stuff but all I hear is Blah, blah, blah Blah Blah"

me: :lmao: :lmao: :cry: :lmao:

Wife: :shrug: :lmao: than couldn't help herself... :lmao:

 
My wife was out shopping for the imminent arrival of our baby daughter last night. She called from the mall to let us know she was on her way home. My 5 yo answers the phone and is talking to her. He yells to me "Dad! Mom bought some clothes for baby Abby." I say "Great, where is she?" He replies "Still in her belly"

My wife, the English major, points out that he's technically correct in his answer. :wolf:

 
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Verbal Kint said:
My wife was out shopping for the imminent arrival of our baby daughter last night. She called from the mall to let us know she was on her way home. My 5 yo answers the phone and is talking to her. He yells to me "Dad! Mom bought some clothes for baby Abby." I say "Great, where is she?" He replies "Still in her belly" My wife, the English major, points out that he's technically correct in his answer. :wolf:
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:lol:
 
Verbal Kint said:
My wife was out shopping for the imminent arrival of our baby daughter last night. She called from the mall to let us know she was on her way home. My 5 yo answers the phone and is talking to her. He yells to me "Dad! Mom bought some clothes for baby Abby." I say "Great, where is she?" He replies "Still in her belly" My wife, the English major, points out that he's technically correct in his answer. :thumbup:
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:hey:
 
We had fried chicken last night for dinner. Fried chicken is my favorite but we don't have it much for all of the obvious reasons.

So I give my oldest a chicken leg.

He bites into it and says "JESUS! There's a bone in this chicken!"

 
Out driving with the kids one afternoon and had a friend of mine in the passenger seat and the 2 kids daughter 5, son 3 in their child seats in the rear. My friend asks me about a pizzeria we happened to be driving by and forgetting the kids were in the back I replied oh man that pizza sucks !!!

Yesterday while driving with their grandparents (wifes side) along the same route grandpa points out the pizzeria as a possibility for lunch, and of course my daughter replies.

"Daddy says that pizza sucks"....doh!!! :wall:

 
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St. Louis Bob said:
We had fried chicken last night for dinner. Fried chicken is my favorite but we don't have it much for all of the obvious reasons.So I give my oldest a chicken leg. He bites into it and says "JESUS! There's a bone in this chicken!"
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:unsure:
 
My oldest son is almost 5. He seems to have an interest in science and I try to encourage this whenever I can.

The other day Discovery Science had a show about the atom and I picked up some tidbits that I thought he would like. So I say to him:

"Tyler, did you know that there are more atoms in a grain of sand than there are grains of sand on the Earth?"

He acted angry and yelled, "Dad, I already knew that!" ((he is going through a phase where he doesnt like to be told how to do things))

I was a bit surprised and asked, "How do you know that?"

He said "I just figured it out by myself, I mean, its not that hard."

 
My almost two year old, LOUDLY (so that everyone within about a 4 table range could hear) to her grandmother as she walked back from the bathroom at a sit-down restaurant:

Her: "Amma went POOPY!"

:confused:

 
Conversation last night at dinner with my 5yo daughter.

Me: Honey, eat your dinner :confused:

Daughter: Im not hungry :confused:

Me: If you dont start eating better, you're never going to grow up ;)

Daughter: That's OK, Ill just be a midget :D

Wife: THAT'S NOT FUNNY! :hot:

Daughter: Why not? midgets are funny :unsure:

Me: :lmao:

Wife: :rant:

 
Last night I had American Gladiators on, it was right before her bedtime (she's almost 3). She just finished watching her show so I put AG on to watch the eliminator.

She was complaining about her show so I say look at the people swimming what color do you want to win.

She says Blue. I start cheering "Go, Blue" "Go, Blue guy"

She then starts yelling "GO RED guy, GO RED GUY"

me: You said blue? "Go Red, GO red"

her: " GO BLUE, GO BLUE"

me: :lmao: "GO BLUE"

her: "Go RED"

It was like bugs bunny (rabbit season, duck season) Anytime I switched she switched.

 
Wife & kids come in for Brunch this past Saturday. I sit & eat with them. 3 year old spills his milk, I mutter "Dmn-it" very softly.

For the next 5 minutes 3 year old keeps repeating:

"Dmn-IT" as loud as he can causing restaurant to erupt in laughter.

I was dying...the wife was dying but controlled her laughter better....and the table next to us placed their order by adding a "dmn-it" at the end of every entree.

Wife called me later that night to tell me he said it again after accidentally stepping on his lil brother.

 
My wife just called and put my 5 yo son on, to repeat what he just told her. He said "I woke up from my nap, and my pee-pee got bigger and bigger, but its small now" :fishing:

 
Last night at football practice I was talking to one of the other coaches while the kids were on water break. My 6 year old came out to watch practice and ran up to give me a hug right as the other coach asked why I missed practice Thursday and Friday night last week. Before I can say a word my 6 year old says "Oh my dad went out of town to meet his other internet nerd friends for a football draft" :fishing: I kind of chuckled and said "kids where do they come up with this stuff" and without missing a beat he yells out "that is what mom said dad, mom doesn't lie". :mellow: :bag:

 
Took the kids to the Garden of the Gods for a picnic.

My 6yr old daughter asked "Why is it called Garden of the Gods?"

My 7 yr old daughter answered "Because it's God's Garden"

6yr old "Well, God's garden sure is ugly"

...definately got a laugh from all the tourists around us.

 
So I recieved a phone call from my brother-in-law and he says

"ditka, you are going to have to come over here and have a talk with robbie (my 6 year old nephew)".

me: "why what's up"

well apprantely my BIL just had the following conversation with my nephew when he came home crying from teeball practice:

BIL: whats wrong buddy?

nephew: I'm not playing baseball this year (more crying)

BIL: why, i thought you wanted to play baseball

nephew: I know, but we got our team names today and Im on the cubs, and uncle ditka says the cubs suck

needless to say i had to explain to him i meant the professional team...then i brought him to a white sox game

 
Dogg Jr., (5 year old), bonked his back on our exercycle, and it really hurt. He began violently shaking the exercycle while shouting at it, "I won't let you survive!" I told him that the exercycle belonged to me and Mrs. Dogg, and that he had to be gentle with it. He said, "When you die, will you leave it to me so I can destroy it?" Then after thinking for a moment, he said, "But I might want to keep it to remember you by."

On a related note, I gave Mrs. Dogg locket for our anniversary, and Dogg Jr. said he would keep it forever. And he also plans to keep Mrs. Dogg's bones and skin.

 
jdoggydogg said:
Dogg Jr., (5 year old), bonked his back on our exercycle, and it really hurt. He began violently shaking the exercycle while shouting at it, "I won't let you survive!" I told him that the exercycle belonged to me and Mrs. Dogg, and that he had to be gentle with it. He said, "When you die, will you leave it to me so I can destroy it?" Then after thinking for a moment, he said, "But I might want to keep it to remember you by."On a related note, I gave Mrs. Dogg locket for our anniversary, and Dogg Jr. said he would keep it forever. And he also plans to keep Mrs. Dogg's bones and skin.
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:bye: :thumbup: good stuff
 
JEB said:
jdoggydogg said:
Dogg Jr., (5 year old), bonked his back on our exercycle, and it really hurt. He began violently shaking the exercycle while shouting at it, "I won't let you survive!" I told him that the exercycle belonged to me and Mrs. Dogg, and that he had to be gentle with it. He said, "When you die, will you leave it to me so I can destroy it?" Then after thinking for a moment, he said, "But I might want to keep it to remember you by."On a related note, I gave Mrs. Dogg locket for our anniversary, and Dogg Jr. said he would keep it forever. And he also plans to keep Mrs. Dogg's bones and skin.
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:lmao: :lmao: good stuff
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It's funny: if you took some of these quotes from kids and put them into Death Metal songs, they'd fit right in.
 
It's my older son's birthday today.

I picked up my younger son from football practice about an hour ago. I asked him:

"Did you wish your brother a happy birthday this morning?"

"No, he was asleep when I left...so I took his headphones."

 
E-Z Glider said:
Conversation last night at dinner with my 5yo daughter.Me: Honey, eat your dinner :hophead: Daughter: Im not hungry :rolleyes: Me: If you dont start eating better, you're never going to grow up ;) Daughter: That's OK, Ill just be a midget :D Wife: THAT'S NOT FUNNY! :hot: Daughter: Why not? midgets are funny :confused: Me: :lmao: Wife: :rant:
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:lmao: :lmao:
 
Talking to my 5yo son about our dog getting neutered:

Son: Where's Gus?

Me: He's at the doctor having surgery.

Son: What's that?

Me: He's having a part of his body removed so that he will be calmer.

Son: What part of his body?

Me: His #### (not sure why t-e-s-t-i-c-l-e-s is filtered)

Son: What are ####?

Me: #### are your balls in your private area.

Son: Oh... you mean your nuts.

Me: Yes... your nuts. :thumbup:

 
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We were out at a restaurant with my 4yo girl a few nights ago and we were close to the end of our meal. She was coloring and we asked her if she wanted something else to eat, and she said, "No, the parking lot in my stomach is full but I have a driveway open for a popsicle."

Another time we were talking about her friends in daycare and she told us "I have love in my heart for all my friends, except for Emily D. My heart is a cat for her, and it hisses."

 
We were watching the Olympics coverage this weekend, and they aired the promo with the Mannings for the Colts/Giants game.

They're playing Go Fish, Connect Four, Hungry Hippos, etc, to pass the time during the off-season, to which my 12yo daughter pipes up with:

"That's so gay!"

Now, the Colts and the Giants are on my "meh" list of teams that I don't necessarily like or dislike, but obviously she's well on her way to being a great football fan. :tearyeyed:

 
CGRdrJoe said:
Last night at football practice I was talking to one of the other coaches while the kids were on water break. My 6 year old came out to watch practice and ran up to give me a hug right as the other coach asked why I missed practice Thursday and Friday night last week. Before I can say a word my 6 year old says "Oh my dad went out of town to meet his other internet nerd friends for a football draft" :coffee: I kind of chuckled and said "kids where do they come up with this stuff" and without missing a beat he yells out "that is what mom said dad, mom doesn't lie". :mellow: :bag:
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:lmao:
 
A card to me from my 6 year old son (misspellings included):

Dear Mom,

I love you super much. You're very knowledgeable. You are gorgeoous, lovely, glamorous and elegant. I care for you mom. Your stunning.

Love,

Trip

 
I do the majority of the cooking in our household and my 2 year old daughter will often come into the kitchen and as if "Daddy cooking?" and then walk around telling others in the house that Daddy is cooking. The other day my wife is fixing dinner as I had to work late and when Haley asks her what she's doing she told her that "Mommy is cooking dinner." My daughter just blurts out "Oh NO!!!!!!" as loud as can be. My wife about split her sides lasting.

 
The Football Freak said:
We were out at a restaurant with my 4yo girl a few nights ago and we were close to the end of our meal. She was coloring and we asked her if she wanted something else to eat, and she said, "No, the parking lot in my stomach is full but I have a driveway open for a popsicle." Another time we were talking about her friends in daycare and she told us "I have love in my heart for all my friends, except for Emily D. My heart is a cat for her, and it hisses."
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:bag: :lmao: My heart is a cat...mental note for future use.
 
McJose said:
It's my older son's birthday today. I picked up my younger son from football practice about an hour ago. I asked him:"Did you wish your brother a happy birthday this morning?""No, he was asleep when I left...so I took his headphones."
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:bag: Chip off the ole smartass.
 
We recently had a cat die, so we are down to one...

Tonite my 4 y.o. says "We should get another cat."

I say "When you you want to do that?"

He responds "After the dog dies."

Wife says "We don't have a dog"

4 y.o. says "I know, but after he dies, we could get another cat."

 
RoarinSonoran said:
We were watching the Olympics coverage this weekend, and they aired the promo with the Mannings for the Colts/Giants game.They're playing Go Fish, Connect Four, Hungry Hippos, etc, to pass the time during the off-season, to which my 12yo daughter pipes up with:"That's so gay!"
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acorn/tree
 
My friend told this story tonight and I couldn't wait to get home to post it here!

So she has a new baby girl. Her son, age 4, says "I am so glad Baby Anna has a ######". My friend says "why?" and the kid says "because I like ######s!"

I just cracked up and thought you all would appreciate the story, too.

 
This one happened here a day or two ago and I figured I would wait til the thread came around again.

My 3 year old son makes this weird growling, shrieking noise as an animal attack noise or some such sound effect. My 7 year old said "how did you learn to make that noise?" He said, "I learned it on the internets!"

 
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