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hamster_13

I tried to commit suicide thursday

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Some of you may remember my thread a few years ago about my gambling problem. At that time it was only about $2,000 which was very managable. Well, a few years later and that is now $12,000. I owe my mom $12,000 for lawyer fees from when I was 18-19 (21 now) because a friend and I started breaking into unlocked cars. I owe my dad $5000 for my 4Runner still. $30 grand basically, which isn't a whole lot. But I have a felony and make 8 bucks an hour, so my chance for 'good' employment isn't there right now. I can't get an oil field job because my legal stuff cost me my license until November.

My family has a long history of depression on my moms side. My aunt tried to kill

herself with pills a few years back when her husband of 20+ years said he didn't want to be with her anymore.

The girlfriend of 13 months said that if I went to blackhawk that she would leave, but the next day she said she would be with me unless I did something to ruin our future. I took that to mean she changed her mind because I wasn't using any of my own money. Well on the way back down on Memorial Day she asked what I was doing, I told her I went to Blackhawk and had a horrible time. Later that night she sent me a picture of a shirt that said "Trust Me I'm Legal" and a picture of her in really short lace skirt she just bought. I knew something was up because she NEVER will wear a skirt. I had to buy her one just so I could live out a sex fantasy I have/had. That is the only time I have ever seen that skirt.

Tuesday night my mom gave me $700 to pay bills that would be late. I couldn't even stop for aday. Wednesday morning put in 160 before work, got that to $500. Lost it all. Put in another $225, got that to $1,700 in about an hour. Lost it all. Put in another $200, got that to $900, lost it all. Went to the bank and did a cash advance for $380, and lost $340 of that, $40 is still in my wallet because I needed gas. I was playing blackjack at sportsbook.com. I have probably had over $700,000 in and out of my hands in the past year just playing blackjack.

I called her several times and sent her many loving text messages over the next 3 days. I never hear anything from her. Thursday I sent one that siad something along the lines of, 'well, you choice is clear to me. ill stop writing you now, ill always love you" A few minutes later I get back "kyle. You should already know that it is over between us. Im sorry kyle but i slept with someone else last night."

I became an instant water fountain at work. My boss let me leave because I was useless at that point. I went home, typed up a suicide note, got a whole bunch of various pain killers, got my cat, sent out a few good byes to people, and then around 5pm took about 150 pills. My manager called 23 times of the next hour. I never answered. About 620pm my doorbell rings and it's the cops. With my legal past, all my dad heard was "took about 150" and "somebody from work" so he assumed I was getting arrested again.

Within a few minutes there are 5 cop cars, and ambulance and a firetruck outside our house. I get loaded in the ambulance, then my parents ask if they can take me. Somebody calls my doctor and he gives the okay.

I get to the ER and get an IV and have to give several statements over and over because apparently nobody writes things down in a hospital. Over the next 18 or so hours I get my blood drawn 17 times, 4 of those because the nurse missed. I have to drink 3 cups of liquid charcoal. Friday around 1pm I get transfered by a non-emergency ambulance to a mental health faculty where I am to be held for 72 hours on an M1 hold. They put you in a room, which was basically detox (I was the only non drunk there most of the night) for observation. I told their therapist I was worried about losing my job so they let me out early saturday morning.

So now I have an apointment to get on a different anti depressant. I had tried prozac and fluxotine prior but they did nothing for me. I have to get a therapist or psychologist now. The sad part is that out of 6 people I told that I was killing myself, only one believed me or tried to do anything about it. I am supposed to be thankful I guess, but I honestly don't know if I am.

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Wow...sorry to hear about your troubles.

I hope you get some meds that work and get back to a place where you can start digging yourself out.

Best of luck.

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get some professional help for the gambling & the depression.

good luck man. that's quite a burden.

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:(

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get some professional help for the gambling & the depression.

good luck man. that's quite a burden.

:goodposting:

Honestly, good luck.

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Well hopefully this will help you get things back together. Good luck buddy!!

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I went home, typed up a suicide note, got a whole bunch of various pain killers, got my cat, sent out a few good byes to people, and then around 5pm took about 150 pills.

Status of the cat???

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get some professional help for the gambling & the depression.

good luck man. that's quite a burden.

:goodposting:

Best of luck.

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Guest Cunning Linguist

Those who are serious about suicide don't call people, write notes/ text people before they do it, they just do it.

Get help. It's obvious you still care about them or you wouldn't have written anything at all.

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Hope you find the strength to beat your addiction. Only you can really do it.

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Those who are serious about suicide don't call people, write notes/ text people before they do it, they just do it.

Get help.

:goodposting:

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Good luck Hamster. You could always get back at your gf by posting her pic here and sending her the link.

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Get rid of the internet. Seems to be your main avenue to the gambling problem. Plus you could save $30-$50 a month to pay back some of your debt :excited:

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I know you're upset about this girl.

You're young still, there will be plenty of other women in your future. When you're older you'll have more perspective on that... trust me on this. Its not worth killing yourself over.

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I hope this experience helps you gain some perspective.

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Some of you may remember my thread a few years ago about my gambling problem. At that time it was only about $2,000 which was very managable. Well, a few years later and that is now $12,000. I owe my mom $12,000 for lawyer fees from when I was 18-19 (21 now) because a friend and I started breaking into unlocked cars. I owe my dad $5000 for my 4Runner still. $30 grand basically, which isn't a whole lot. But I have a felony and make 8 bucks an hour, so my chance for 'good' employment isn't there right now. I can't get an oil field job because my legal stuff cost me my license until November.

My family has a long history of depression on my moms side. My aunt tried to kill

herself with pills a few years back when her husband of 20+ years said he didn't want to be with her anymore.

The girlfriend of 13 months said that if I went to blackhawk that she would leave, but the next day she said she would be with me unless I did something to ruin our future. I took that to mean she changed her mind because I wasn't using any of my own money. Well on the way back down on Memorial Day she asked what I was doing, I told her I went to Blackhawk and had a horrible time. Later that night she sent me a picture of a shirt that said "Trust Me I'm Legal" and a picture of her in really short lace skirt she just bought. I knew something was up because she NEVER will wear a skirt. I had to buy her one just so I could live out a sex fantasy I have/had. That is the only time I have ever seen that skirt.

Tuesday night my mom gave me $700 to pay bills that would be late. I couldn't even stop for aday. Wednesday morning put in 160 before work, got that to $500. Lost it all. Put in another $225, got that to $1,700 in about an hour. Lost it all. Put in another $200, got that to $900, lost it all. Went to the bank and did a cash advance for $380, and lost $340 of that, $40 is still in my wallet because I needed gas. I was playing blackjack at sportsbook.com. I have probably had over $700,000 in and out of my hands in the past year just playing blackjack.

I called her several times and sent her many loving text messages over the next 3 days. I never hear anything from her. Thursday I sent one that siad something along the lines of, 'well, you choice is clear to me. ill stop writing you now, ill always love you" A few minutes later I get back "kyle. You should already know that it is over between us. Im sorry kyle but i slept with someone else last night."

I became an instant water fountain at work. My boss let me leave because I was useless at that point. I went home, typed up a suicide note, got a whole bunch of various pain killers, got my cat, sent out a few good byes to people, and then around 5pm took about 150 pills. My manager called 23 times of the next hour. I never answered. About 620pm my doorbell rings and it's the cops. With my legal past, all my dad heard was "took about 150" and "somebody from work" so he assumed I was getting arrested again.

Within a few minutes there are 5 cop cars, and ambulance and a firetruck outside our house. I get loaded in the ambulance, then my parents ask if they can take me. Somebody calls my doctor and he gives the okay.

I get to the ER and get an IV and have to give several statements over and over because apparently nobody writes things down in a hospital. Over the next 18 or so hours I get my blood drawn 17 times, 4 of those because the nurse missed. I have to drink 3 cups of liquid charcoal. Friday around 1pm I get transfered by a non-emergency ambulance to a mental health faculty where I am to be held for 72 hours on an M1 hold. They put you in a room, which was basically detox (I was the only non drunk there most of the night) for observation. I told their therapist I was worried about losing my job so they let me out early saturday morning.

So now I have an apointment to get on a different anti depressant. I had tried prozac and fluxotine prior but they did nothing for me. I have to get a therapist or psychologist now. The sad part is that out of 6 people I told that I was killing myself, only one believed me or tried to do anything about it. I am supposed to be thankful I guess, but I honestly don't know if I am.

Don't play online blackjack!!!! That is the root of all of your problems.

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It's trite to say, but it obviously sounds like you've hit rock bottom, and hopefully you can somehow find the strength to get the help you obviously need.

Best of luck...

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get some professional help for the gambling & the depression.

good luck man. that's quite a burden.

:goodposting:

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As hard as it may be to imagine right now, just tell yourself things are going to get better. It will take some time, but you have to take small steps toward getting past this extremely difficult period in your life.

Most importantly, get professional help and surround yourself with people who care about you. Try to find some kind of support group for those who have experienced or are experiencing similar feelings.

DO NOT GIVE UP!!!

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I'd like to slap your enabling mother.

It does seem to be part of the problem.

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I wish you the best. Take care of yourself, if not for yourself, than for your parents.

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If not :fishing: first thing I'd tell you is money comes and money goes. It's not something to kill yourself over. Same thing with women. That sounds harsh but it's true.

I'm not a professional, but I'd say a problem with your gambling is it sounds like it's centered around the money and that's proboably not good. You aren't a professional black jack player. You aren't beating that game. You're simply gambling and obviously not doing it in a way to enjoy yourself but doing it in a way that puts a lot of money out there. Bad situation.

Having a criminal record is tough but you can overcome it. It'll take hard work. Some doors close for you but there are a lot of doors in this life. Keep plugging away and the right ones will eventually open.

Also, it sounds like you have atleast a decent family. I'd suggest getting in touch with that and trying to appreciate it. It doesn't sound like you're alone here and plenty of people in worse situations than you are completely alone with no place to turn. Lean on the people that care about you (your family does) and start doing things on a daily basis to be the man you want to be.

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GL man.

Close your accounts at these gambling sites and tell them not to ever let you sign back up.

Or give your mom the info and have her close the accounts.

Hang in there and get the help you admit you need.

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I wish you the best. Take care of yourself, if not for yourself, than for your parents.

WTF?

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I know you're upset about this girl.

You're young still, there will be plenty of other women in your future. When you're older you'll have more perspective on that... trust me on this. Its not worth killing yourself over.

#######, man. #######.

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Forget about the girl. Focus on getting help for the depression and gambling. Nobody is going to be able to do anything for you until you do. Good luck, bud.

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If you were serious about killing yourself, you would have succeeded by slitting your writs or hanging yourself or some other method a little more difficult to reverse than an OD on pills. So, consider ths a trial run at the real thing. Like part of it's a call for help and part of it's getting psyched up for the real deal down the road.

First, forget about the girlfriend.

Next, forget about any booze and drugs. Do you drink at all? Probably not a good idea for someone with a problem with depression.

Third, forget about gambling. Even on the lottery.

Fourth, to do all the foregoing, you may need lots of help. You may even need inpatient help.

Lastly, give serious consideration to the help of 12-step groups if you're unable to give up any of the foregoing. And you need to get your crap together and learn to love yourself before you can even think about loving that girlfriend, so forget about that prospect and be prepared to make happy wtih Mr. Hand for at least the next year.

Hope it all works out for you. This post was not meant to be facetious. I've been there/done that, just not with gambling.

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I wish you the best. Take care of yourself, if not for yourself, than for your parents.

WTF?

He should get himself some help. If he won't do it for himself, which he should, than he should do it for the sake of someone else. Whatever it takes to get help.

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Seriously, your mom must know you have a serious gambling problem. Tell her to never give you the cash money again.

If you have to, have her pay your bills directly. Shoot, find someone responsible that loves you (your mom, or someone else) to manage all your money.

You can't be trusted with cash.

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Sorry to hear that and good luck.

As hard as it may be, try to get a little perspective on life. You're 21, life isn't over, you should have another 50 years at least. Get some help, seriously work on turning your life around, and in 5 years you could be in a much better place then you are now. I hope that's the case.

Good luck and for certain, get some good help. Medication + therapy.

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What did the suicide note say?

:no:

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I even imagine something controlling me like that. Good luck.

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What did the suicide note say?

I’m sorry everybody. Especially you mom, all you have ever done is love me, and I know that was hard most of the time. Jodie left me because I gambled went to Blackhawk Monday, and then she slept with somebody last night. It’s all my fault, everything is. I’m buried in a debt I cant get out of. The only person I ever loved I didn’t treat right and now she’s gone. And so am I.

Please call Jennifer at 503-704-****and tell her she was a great friend and I am sorry I could never meet her in person. Also please call Hillary C. too, I don’t know her number, but she was an awesome person and was always there for me when I needed. No matter how big or small or dumb she listened to me.

Sorry mom that I couldn’t quit gambling. You always knew when I was lying. Even last night, I already lost the $700 you have me because I can’t stop. I put in 160 before work, got that to $500. Lost it all. Put in another $225, got that to $1,700 in about an hour. Lost it all. Put in another $200, got that to $900, lost it all. Then when you finished cutting my hair I went to the bank and did a cash advance for $380, and lost $340 of that, $40 is still in my wallet. Max that card, the one I said I wanted to keep because it was only a $750 limit.

I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever caused you mom, no amount of love would ever make up for everything I’ve done to you and the family. And im sorry I can’t pay back the $12,000 I owe you or the $5,000 I owe dad. Nobody has to worry about my credit cards.

Sorry Kris (my brother) that we were never closer. I always felt I was bothering you every time I called or wrote. Thank you Tyni (his wife) for offering your ears and help with whatever I needed.

Sorry I could never do anything right or be happy about anything. I have been miserable about everything for a long time.

Sorry Jodie that I wasted a year of your life, I’ll always love you no matter what. I’ve always forgiven everything you have ever done, and still do and would. Your 98 bucks from last week is in the envelope on my computer desk. I also put the $2.50 chip I brought you from Blackhawk because it was pink. I am sorry for everything I have ever done to you to cause you to leave me. Sorry I ever talked to heather, sorry I can’t get along with your family, and sorry I am not good at anything and could never make you smile or laugh or even make you be happy. Sorry I wasn’t a good kisser. Sorry for pulling over I guess, all it caused was a huge waste of time for you.

Also in it is the engagement ring I gave you on October 27th, 2005.

We don’t have to worry about starting or finishing that purse now mom. Now it’ll be easier. 

Tell Brody I’m sorry and thanks for being there when I needed. He always had advice and knew what to say.

I know nobody can ever forgive me for what I’m about to do, but it’s just another thing to add to my list of stupid things I’ve done. Nobody think this was their fault, I just can’t do anything right anymore and it will be easier for everybody without me.

Love always,

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How old are you?

When I was 17- about 23 I went throught the same thing. I never tried, but had serious thoughts and for the same reason. The $$$ was just too much to deal with.

The only thing I can tell you is dont let the $$$ strs you out. This is America, who doesnt owe money. Trump went bankrupt.

Besides getting mental help, My goal would be to start paying your daily bills, elect, gas, car, ins, on your own. Then after you get to the point of being able to break even, then start paying back your parents. Im 31 now, I did the same thing with the borrowing, my parents paid off all my cards for me, I then ran them all back up a few years later and still havent paid them back yet.

But I dont need to borrow anymore at least.

Shoot me a pm if you want. I went through alot of the same things you are thinking.

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PS, spending lots of money on gambling is worthless IMO.

Better to spent a heck of a lot less $$$ and get a hooker. At least you get something for your money.

You're only 21?! Have you considered playing video games or something low key that doesn't erase your bank account? If you lose, you can simply smash the controller on the ground like the rest of us.

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throw away your computer.

first thing that came to my mind as well. sometimes you can't rely on yourself to beat a problem (at least in the short run) so take things out of your hands by removing all oppurtunities to gamble

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Guest Cunning Linguist

The sad part is that out of 6 people I told that I was killing myself, only one believed me or tried to do anything about it. I am supposed to be thankful I guess, but I honestly don't know if I am.

See this is what I mean. If you wanted to die you would have done it, its not that hard. If you want sympathy, you aren't going to get it fom those that you have crossed.

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sorry dude....looks like you can get some serious help now that you've made that call out.

glll

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Nobody think this was their fault, I just can’t do anything right anymore and it will be easier for everybody without me.

The main person it'd be easier for is you. You still owe a lot of people a lot of money, and could contribute positively in their lives if you put some work into it. Suicide is taking the easy way out, and it leaves a lot of pain (and in your case debt) behind for other people to deal with. It's a selfish thing to do, and if you truly loved your loved ones, you'd do what it takes to get help with your problem, and work very hard to overcome the debt you've built up.

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i'm betting this wont end well.

takers?

:hot:

:lmao:

It's good shtick. Suicide note was too over the top and not believable that a guy who was actually in this situation would type it out word for word like that. I have a hard time believing somebody goes from suicide to being at a place where they can sit around, access the internet, and #### around in the ffa in the first place but figured :shrug:. Seriously, you aren't in that bad a spot if you have access and time to be here.

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Guest Cunning Linguist

The sad part is that out of 6 people I told that I was killing myself, only one believed me or tried to do anything about it. I am supposed to be thankful I guess, but I honestly don't know if I am.

See this is what I mean. If you wanted to die you would have done it, its not that hard. If you want sympathy, you aren't going to get it fom those that you have crossed.

:eek::popcorn:

I have dealt with many a suicical person professionally. I know things. This guy is not serious at all.

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If he would have committed suicide, then wouldn't his parents get stuck with the credit card debt? This is a serious question, not fishing.

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