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Nigel Tufnel

A note to my coworker ...

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Dearest nutjob,

Most people, if someone was holding meetings and conference calls at their desk and it was becoming a distraction, would privately take the person aside and politely ask them to try to find a conference room, or somewhere a bit more appropriate for such activities. But I think your approach of a 5-minute tirade for all to hear about how, "I can't take this #### anymore," and, "It's driving me nuts", is much more appropriate in a business environment. Never mind that the rest of the people in the room deal with far more interruptions and distractions from your loud conversations about your grandkids, Weight Watchers, and the occasional screaming matches you have on the phone with your mother and siblings.

Now the poor socially awkward woman you screamed at will probably off herself tonight. But hey, no more disturbances, right?

Sorry if our snickering over here interrupted your flow,

SM

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Note: I work 10 minutes outside Toronto...

Bendy (on the phone): Hey John, are we on the West Coast or the East Coast?

SJ96: :lmao:

Bendy: :goodposting:

SJ96: OMG, you're serious?

Bendy: Yes, c'mon, I'm on the phone...

SJ96: Oh, sorry, well, some people think Arizona is on the West Coast, but it's not. It's in the Western US, but not actually on the coast. :lol:

Bendy: You're not helping.

SJ96: We're on the West Coast.

Bendy (to the person on the phone): "We're on the West Coast."

SJ96: :teehee:

:lmao:

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:mapquestingToronto:

She's single, hot and (sometimes) stupid.Sure, she can be incredibly #####y, but I have a feeling she's been in a long dry spell, if you know what I mean.

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:mapquestingToronto:

She's single, hot and (sometimes) stupid.Sure, she can be incredibly #####y, but I have a feeling she's been in a long dry spell, if you know what I mean.
:banned:Maybe she meant on the lake :lmao: Edited by belljr

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You're killing me, moron.Secretary: ...so then we wouldn't want them to be rewriting the wheel.HS: ReinventingSecretary: Reinventing what?HS: The wheel.Secretary: What are you talking about?HS: I think you meant 'reinventing the wheel.'Secretary: No, I said what I meant. Weren't you listening?HS: Carry on.

awesome

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You're killing me, moron.Secretary: ...so then we wouldn't want them to be rewriting the wheel.HS: ReinventingSecretary: Reinventing what?HS: The wheel.Secretary: What are you talking about?HS: I think you meant 'reinventing the wheel.'Secretary: No, I said what I meant. Weren't you listening?HS: Carry on.

awesome
Seriously. I avoid these Abbott and Costello exchanges every day by just not saying anything.

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You're killing me, moron.Secretary: ...so then we wouldn't want them to be rewriting the wheel.HS: ReinventingSecretary: Reinventing what?HS: The wheel.Secretary: What are you talking about?HS: I think you meant 'reinventing the wheel.'Secretary: No, I said what I meant. Weren't you listening?HS: Carry on.

awesome
Seriously. I avoid these Abbott and Costello exchanges every day by just not saying anything.
Here was one I found classic but there was no dialog. Basically we now have a casual day on Friday. Due to a client visiting we had casual day "canceled" and moved to next week. On our internal website (company wide) 180000+ there was a picture of one of our client teams with a congratulations for a new contract blah blah blah.Everyone in the picture was dressed in casual attire.... :coffee:Nice image. Edited by belljr

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overheard at work between two secretaries as i passed by-

..."well i for one would never want my infant to get tattoos."

in trying to figure out what the front of that conversation might have been, i may have nearly given myself an aneurysm

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"Staycation?!?"

#### you. Just #### you.

:sadbanana:
:goodposting:

Got anything good on tap for today? It's Friday!

Man, I've hit a writer's block of some sort. I'll try. Dammit...I'll try.
I'll brainstorm as well.

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"Staycation?!?"

#### you. Just #### you.

:sadbanana:
:goodposting:

Got anything good on tap for today? It's Friday!

Man, I've hit a writer's block of some sort. I'll try. Dammit...I'll try.
I'll brainstorm as well.
Fictitious Presidential Quotes.

"Mr. Gorbachev, SMB, G!"

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i work in a business that forces people to work nights and weekends. i don't complain. its what i signed up for 25 years ago.

on top of that, i take the friday AND saturday night shifts most weekends, but i needed this weekend. the person who had to work for me had the nerve to ##### on facebook about "getting cheated out of a weekend.' i absolutely want to punch her in the face tomorrow when i see her.

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i work in a business that forces people to work nights and weekends. i don't complain. its what i signed up for 25 years ago.on top of that, i take the friday AND saturday night shifts most weekends, but i needed this weekend. the person who had to work for me had the nerve to ##### on facebook about "getting cheated out of a weekend.' i absolutely want to punch her in the face tomorrow when i see her.

Stealing paychecks, too?

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Secretary: Don't worry I've got a 5th sense when it comes to this stuff.

Me: A 5th sense?

Secretary: Yeah, my whole life I've just had a 5th sense in regard to this.

Me: Taste, touch, smell, sight, or sound?

Secretary: What are you talking about?

Me: Nevermind.

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Secretary: Don't worry I've got a 5th sense when it comes to this stuff.Me: A 5th sense?Secretary: Yeah, my whole life I've just had a 5th sense in regard to this.Me: Taste, touch, smell, sight, or sound? Secretary: What are you talking about?Me: Nevermind.

:lmao: :lmao:

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Well, Pam, that was a stirring rendition of the Warren Zevon classic "Ahhhh oooooohh, where rolls the thunder?" :clap:

No way.
how could I possibly make that up?

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Ok wait a second here...let's take attendance in my office today...

My Boss #1: At our West Coast Head Office

My Boss #2: Off sick

Bendy: Vacation Day

Phyllis: Off every Friday

SJ96: Present

DPH-JD: Hopping off her broom here in 20 minutes

:wallbash:

Kill me now so I don't have to kill myself later.

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Ok wait a second here...let's take attendance in my office today...My Boss #1: At our West Coast Head OfficeMy Boss #2: Off sickBendy: Vacation DayPhyllis: Off every FridaySJ96: PresentDPH-JD: Hopping off her broom here in 20 minutes:wallbash:Kill me now so I don't have to kill myself later.

THANKS FOR SHOWING UP EARLY!

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i work in a business that forces people to work nights and weekends. i don't complain. its what i signed up for 25 years ago.on top of that, i take the friday AND saturday night shifts most weekends, but i needed this weekend. the person who had to work for me had the nerve to ##### on facebook about "getting cheated out of a weekend.' i absolutely want to punch her in the face tomorrow when i see her.

She signed up for weekends too?

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Secretary: Don't worry I've got a 5th sense when it comes to this stuff.Me: A 5th sense?Secretary: Yeah, my whole life I've just had a 5th sense in regard to this.Me: Taste, touch, smell, sight, or sound? Secretary: What are you talking about?Me: Nevermind.

This #### is straight out of mean girls. You cant be serious.

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To the office Chris Farley impersonator,

Attempting a high five while telling me "thanks for hustling today" when you don't know what I did today and aren't my boss is just plain asinine. Attempting high fives while passing someone in the hall, who is obviously busy, is pretty damn gay regardless of who you are anyway.

Don't offer me high fives.

Thanks.

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Secretary: Don't worry I've got a 5th sense when it comes to this stuff.

Me: A 5th sense?

Secretary: Yeah, my whole life I've just had a 5th sense in regard to this.

Me: Taste, touch, smell, sight, or sound?

Secretary: What are you talking about?

Me: Nevermind.

This #### is straight out of mean girls. You cant be serious.

Cady: You're not stupid, Karen.

Karen: No, I am actually. I'm failing almost everything!

Cady: Well... there must be something you're good at.

Karen: I can stick my whole fist in my mouth! Wanna see?

Cady: No no no... Anything else?

Karen: Well... I'm kinda psychic. I have a fifth sense.

Cady: What do you mean?

Karen: It's like I have ESPN or something. My breasts can always tell when it's going to rain.

Cady: Really? That's amazing.

Karen: Well... they can tell when it's raining.

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Secretary: Don't worry I've got a 5th sense when it comes to this stuff.Me: A 5th sense?Secretary: Yeah, my whole life I've just had a 5th sense in regard to this.Me: Taste, touch, smell, sight, or sound? Secretary: What are you talking about?Me: Nevermind.

This #### is straight out of mean girls. You cant be serious.
Never saw the movie.Sadly, it is true.

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Other Lawclerk: Man, the judge is really giving me some slack about getting this opinion done on time.

L5: Oh, well, lucky you.

OL: Are you trying to be funny?

L5: Huh?

OL: Why am I lucky that the judge is on my #$% to hurry up and get this done?

L5: Ohhh...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to give you FLACK about it.

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To the office Chris Farley impersonator,Attempting a high five while telling me "thanks for hustling today" when you don't know what I did today and aren't my boss is just plain asinine. Attempting high fives while passing someone in the hall, who is obviously busy, is pretty damn gay regardless of who you are anyway.Don't offer me high fives.Thanks.

DO you work with The Aristocrat?

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To the office Chris Farley impersonator,Attempting a high five while telling me "thanks for hustling today" when you don't know what I did today and aren't my boss is just plain asinine. Attempting high fives while passing someone in the hall, who is obviously busy, is pretty damn gay regardless of who you are anyway.Don't offer me high fives.Thanks.

DO you work with The Aristocrat?
:confused:

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To the office Chris Farley impersonator,Attempting a high five while telling me "thanks for hustling today" when you don't know what I did today and aren't my boss is just plain asinine. Attempting high fives while passing someone in the hall, who is obviously busy, is pretty damn gay regardless of who you are anyway.Don't offer me high fives.Thanks.

Dear Anti-High-Fivite,Who doesn't like random high Fives?I think THAT is gay.Regards,Chris Farley

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Other Lawclerk: Man, the judge is really giving me some slack about getting this opinion done on time.L5: Oh, well, lucky you.OL: Are you trying to be funny?L5: Huh?OL: Why am I lucky that the judge is on my #$% to hurry up and get this done?L5: Ohhh...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to give you FLACK about it.

:confused::wall:

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To my fellow engineers...

Your sales reps are frequently reaching out to me directly to work with your customers because you, their engineer, don't know our new products. Since it was just announced that you deserve congratulations for passing certification exams on three year old versions of our products that are set to "end of life" on Dec 31, 2009, you obviously have had time recently to study and learn. Why are you choosing studying and learning the old stuff when the certification you obtained is not a job requirement, and your sales reps are using me because you don't know the new stuff? Think about that! I'm a team player and here to help you, but get in the f'ing game here.

That is all.

P.S. Hey management! Congratulating them encourages this stupid crap. How 'bought giving your employees some proper direction?!?!

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Ok wait a second here...let's take attendance in my office today...My Boss #1: At our West Coast Head OfficeMy Boss #2: Off sickBendy: Vacation DayPhyllis: Off every FridaySJ96: PresentDPH-JD: Hopping off her broom here in 20 minutes:wallbash:Kill me now so I don't have to kill myself later.

THANKS FOR SHOWING UP EARLY!
First 80 degree Friday in MilwaukeeMe - Here2nd in command - vacation4 of 5 other personnel called in or no-call/no-show:wall:No FFA Friday for me :unsure: See you all in the drunk thread later.

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Dear Tassel Shoes,

What's with the marathon panting and whispering motivational slogans between epic straining? There are quieter women in labor.

I saw your pink shirt and intend to find out who you are.

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Dear Loud Talker,

STOP TALKING SO LOUD!!! The people on the other end of the phone can increase the volume on their end without you screaming. Also when you talk to me and I tell you to use your inside voice don't get pissy. I'm the one that has to deal with your loud voice.

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Dear Ned Flanders Mustache Looking Jackhole Idiot -

It might be advisable for you and your three inbred corporals of the Balloon Knot Squad to quit playing cards in the middle of the f'ing office during your lunch hour while your company is hemorrhaging cash and losing business. Yes I realize that even dipstick like you have a right to blow off some steam but do it somewhere else in which there are walls and doors between the people that have to listen to your overzealous whining about how someone should have led with a deuce instead of whatever the hell they seem to do wrong every day. Some of us are working and happen to be using the phone. It is not very easy to explain to management why people are yelling UNO! or GO FISH! or whatever the hell game you may be playing in kindergarten that day.

And I know it is you that your boss down the hall is referring to when I keep hearing him yell #######IT! when he gets a phone call and then see him storm off across the cube farm. You are worthless. And apparently can't play cards for ####!!

Stick to solitaire at your desk you #####.

Yours truly,

The Consultant That Was Brought In to Tell You What You Are Supposed to Be Doing So Your Company Doesn't Can Your Lazy ####

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Dear Ned Flanders Mustache Looking Jackhole Idiot -

It might be advisable for you and your three inbred corporals of the Balloon Knot Squad to quit playing cards in the middle of the f'ing office during your lunch hour while your company is hemorrhaging cash and losing business. Yes I realize that even dipstick like you have a right to blow off some steam but do it somewhere else in which there are walls and doors between the people that have to listen to your overzealous whining about how someone should have led with a deuce instead of whatever the hell they seem to do wrong every day. Some of us are working and happen to be using the phone. It is not very easy to explain to management why people are yelling UNO! or GO FISH! or whatever the hell game you may be playing in kindergarten that day.

And I know it is you that your boss down the hall is referring to when I keep hearing him yell #######IT! when he gets a phone call and then see him storm off across the cube farm. You are worthless. And apparently can't play cards for ####!!

Stick to solitaire at your desk you #####.

Yours truly,

The Consultant That Was Brought In to Tell You What You Are Supposed to Be Doing So Your Company Doesn't Can Your Lazy ####

You play cards at work. Cool.

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Ok wait a second here...let's take attendance in my office today...

My Boss #1: At our West Coast Head Office

My Boss #2: Off sick

Bendy: Vacation Day

Phyllis: Off every Friday

SJ96: Present

DPH-JD: Hopping off her broom here in 20 minutes

:wallbash:

Kill me now so I don't have to kill myself later.

THANKS FOR SHOWING UP EARLY!
First 80 degree Friday in Milwaukee

Me - Here

2nd in command - vacation

4 of 5 other personnel called in or no-call/no-show

:bag:

No FFA Friday for me :goodposting: See you all in the drunk thread later.

Did you take your DeLorean back to post this today to warn you as to what will happen tomorrow? 1.21 Jiggawatts??!!?? 1.21 Jiggawatts??!!??

Great Scott

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:mapquestingToronto:

She's single, hot and (sometimes) stupid.Sure, she can be incredibly #####y, but I have a feeling she's been in a long dry spell, if you know what I mean.
are you toward mississauga, scarborough or richmond hill?

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:mapquestingToronto:

She's single, hot and (sometimes) stupid.Sure, she can be incredibly #####y, but I have a feeling she's been in a long dry spell, if you know what I mean.
are you toward mississauga, scarborough or richmond hill?
Mississauga

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Dear Pee Smelling Guy,

Not sure what just happened in the men's room but the smell of urine is overwhelming the office. Do us all a favor and keep a change of pants in your car in case of a situation like this.

Smellingly yours,

Joseph

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:mapquestingToronto:

She's single, hot and (sometimes) stupid.Sure, she can be incredibly #####y, but I have a feeling she's been in a long dry spell, if you know what I mean.
are you toward mississauga, scarborough or richmond hill?
:X:shrug:

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Dear Pee Smelling Guy,Not sure what just happened in the men's room but the smell of urine is overwhelming the office. Do us all a favor and keep a change of pants in your car in case of a situation like this.Smellingly yours,Joseph

Dear Joseph,Quit smelling my balls like a German Shepard.DOWN BOY!SJ96

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Dear Bathroom Play-by-Play/Color Commentator Guy -

When I took this job back in July, I was rather disturbed to learn that the one bathroom in the entire office was located exactly 15 feet from your desk. Throughout my life, I have enjoyed furtive facilities, lightly trafficked and undisturbed. At my last job, I would pass on the frenetic Men’s Room located adjacent to our office doors and opted instead to venture to the quiet 12th floor, where I could poop in utter solitude. Moreover, I consider taking a crap on the company dime my God given right and do my best reading while tucked away in locked isolation.

Furthermore, when our boss forewarned me that you would make my pooping life here at the office a humiliating experience, I was dumbfounded and didn't quite understand the admonishment. He chuckled and said "Just you wait..."

Unfortunately, I couldn't wait, thanks to a healthy heaping of black beans the night prior and thermos full of black coffee that morning. So I grabbed some reading material, went into the bathroom, locked the door and sat. I took a moment to admire the clean facilities, the wicker basket full of magazines and newspapers, the expensive artwork and all the candles. The bathroom even has a lovely shower attached. If ever there was a place designed to enjoy a daily dump, this is it.

And then it started. I let out muted warning shot before the cannon fodder hit the bowl. No sooner did that one note tune exit my body did I hear the cackling sounds of your high pitched laugh, follwed by a loud, obnoxious "WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA". :coffee: For a moment, I thought a hyena had entered the building. Then I remembered our boss's warning and knew right away that you were a debase, deranged version of the SNL "Copy Man" played by Rob Schnieder.

In the weeks and months since, I have been treated to rousing applause and several barked out, creative phrases like "Hey, we're trying to run a business out here" or "Oh my god, somebody has diarrhea" or my favorite "Dude, I'm on the phone!". It doesn't matter how hard I try to make as little noise as possible in there, it's as if you have a stethoscope to the door. You have taken what used to be an enjoyable workday past time and turned it into a traumatic experience. And I'm not alone. Everybody in the office is subject to your maniacal cat calls and turd analysis. What sucks is that when we try to flip the tables on you, you just laugh it off and feed on it. You come out of the bathroom holding up your arms like Rocky Balboa.

Not only do you yell and scream anytime you hear a fart, but you have been counting how many times each of us goes in there. If I go twice in a day, you say "Dude, what's wrong with you?" as if going twice in a day is abnormal. The day I went thrice, I thought you were going to call Ripley's. My poor boss installed a weather strip at the bottom of the door thinking that would help. Didn't work. Our poor analyst from India is so afraid of you that he drives to the grocery store to do his business. It's not funny. Also not funny is that you are a former body building champion who wakes up at 2am to work out every single day and could break me in half with your nostrils. Knock it the hell off. Let us poop in peace.

Sweet Kisses,

Poophobic

:lmao:

Had to bump this post again. Without a doubt the single funniest thing Iver ever read on the FFA. Laugh out loud, tear rolling from my eyes funny. This deserves its own thread.

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Dear Bathroom Play-by-Play/Color Commentator Guy -

When I took this job back in July, I was rather disturbed to learn that the one bathroom in the entire office was located exactly 15 feet from your desk. Throughout my life, I have enjoyed furtive facilities, lightly trafficked and undisturbed. At my last job, I would pass on the frenetic Men’s Room located adjacent to our office doors and opted instead to venture to the quiet 12th floor, where I could poop in utter solitude. Moreover, I consider taking a crap on the company dime my God given right and do my best reading while tucked away in locked isolation.

Furthermore, when our boss forewarned me that you would make my pooping life here at the office a humiliating experience, I was dumbfounded and didn't quite understand the admonishment. He chuckled and said "Just you wait..."

Unfortunately, I couldn't wait, thanks to a healthy heaping of black beans the night prior and thermos full of black coffee that morning. So I grabbed some reading material, went into the bathroom, locked the door and sat. I took a moment to admire the clean facilities, the wicker basket full of magazines and newspapers, the expensive artwork and all the candles. The bathroom even has a lovely shower attached. If ever there was a place designed to enjoy a daily dump, this is it.

And then it started. I let out muted warning shot before the cannon fodder hit the bowl. No sooner did that one note tune exit my body did I hear the cackling sounds of your high pitched laugh, follwed by a loud, obnoxious "WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA". :boxing: For a moment, I thought a hyena had entered the building. Then I remembered our boss's warning and knew right away that you were a debase, deranged version of the SNL "Copy Man" played by Rob Schnieder.

In the weeks and months since, I have been treated to rousing applause and several barked out, creative phrases like "Hey, we're trying to run a business out here" or "Oh my god, somebody has diarrhea" or my favorite "Dude, I'm on the phone!". It doesn't matter how hard I try to make as little noise as possible in there, it's as if you have a stethoscope to the door. You have taken what used to be an enjoyable workday past time and turned it into a traumatic experience. And I'm not alone. Everybody in the office is subject to your maniacal cat calls and turd analysis. What sucks is that when we try to flip the tables on you, you just laugh it off and feed on it. You come out of the bathroom holding up your arms like Rocky Balboa.

Not only do you yell and scream anytime you hear a fart, but you have been counting how many times each of us goes in there. If I go twice in a day, you say "Dude, what's wrong with you?" as if going twice in a day is abnormal. The day I went thrice, I thought you were going to call Ripley's. My poor boss installed a weather strip at the bottom of the door thinking that would help. Didn't work. Our poor analyst from India is so afraid of you that he drives to the grocery store to do his business. It's not funny. Also not funny is that you are a former body building champion who wakes up at 2am to work out every single day and could break me in half with your nostrils. Knock it the hell off. Let us poop in peace.

Sweet Kisses,

Poophobic

:lol:

Had to bump this post again. Without a doubt the single funniest thing Iver ever read on the FFA. Laugh out loud, tear rolling from my eyes funny. This deserves its own thread.

Good stuff :shrug:

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Here's the conversation I heard while doing my normal business in the mens room at 7:00am sharp:

Guy1 was washing his hands when Guy2 comes in.

Guy2: What are you doing here?

Guy1: What?

Guy2: You're in the wrong room.

Guy1: Seriously?

Guy2: :popcorn: How's life treatin' ya?

No response, only the sound of the bathroom door swinging shut. Then Guy2 (while at the urinal) rips the juiciest fart I've heard in a while. He really should have wiped, but didn't.

Please someone kill me if I ever become that big of a doosh.

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