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Nigel Tufnel

A note to my coworker ...

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How come everyone is part of a "Solutions" team? I've been in this meeting for 45 minutes and i haven't heard any solutions.

I want to be on the "Problems" team. that sounds like fun.

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Dear Loud Talker Next Door,

Since our office doors are directly next to each other in the corner, when having a meeting in your office, PLEASE CLOSE THE ####### DOOR. I have to close mine instead so as to not hear the 100db drivel escaping the office.

WYB

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Dear Sniffles Mahatma... AGAIN;

Did you grow up in a barn, or maybe a vacuum? Were you raised by wolves? When someone brings in bagels for breakfast, it is polite to look at them, maybe take a napkin and reach in and get the one you want. But no, you're Sniffles Mahatma, so off you go poking and grabbing and pulling each one out of the bag with your dengue-infested fingers. I managed to get to a bag that didn't have your swine flu ridden mitts all over it yet and took the bottom bagel in there. Wouldn't have mattered if it was flavored with road tar, you hadn't gotten to it yet. So then you go to that bag and pick up and put back every bagel in it, looking for a multigrain. Here's a hint, sunshine: Multigrain bagels don't have cheese on top, and picking a cheese one up, saying "What is this?" and flicking at the cheese before putting it back doesn't change that fact.

Even when I ask you, loudly, "Could you please not touch every single bagel? Use a fork or something!" you just look at me with those doleful eyes and keep right on going. Then you take the tub of cream cheese out from in front of whoever is using it, whether they're finished or not, and go to town on yours. No "are you done?" or "May I?" - you just take.

I will guarantee half of our office will be out sick on Friday because of you, you typhoid carrying jackass.

With malice aforethought,

Bakes

Edited by bakes

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Dear new guy,

How you came into a job interview and made the interviewer think "that's the guy I need" is beyond me, but I'll never trust that person’s judgement again. You had, quite possibly, the world’s largest head, with a mop of unruly hair you made no effort to tame and only succeeded in making your noggin look even bigger.

Never have I seen such a visceral reaction to a new addition to an office. Your slovenly dress and unkempt appearance weren't making you any friends. The fact that you would slowly pace the halls and stare creepily into shared workspaces wasn't doing you any favours, either. Then you spent portions of the day in an open stairwell on your cell phone, only you wouldn't be talking. You also made a habit out of craning your neck and actually moving your body to get a view of female co-workers backsides – as they are talking to you, face-to-face! Are you kidding me? Then you continued to stare at their chests and butts as they walked away from you.

The one word everyone in the office used to describe you? Creepy.

On your third day, you stood outside my pod and stared blankly at my pod-mate and I. We tried to engage you in polite conversation and considering you have the personality of a turnip, this was extremely difficult. We know you were hired to do media monitoring. It’s a job that requires you to be in the office at 6:00 am. You knew this when you applied for the job and your hours of work were explicitly stated on your letter of offer. The positive to the early hours is that you’re out of the office by 2:00 pm. Your third day at a new job is not the time to start complaining to other people about how much you hate your hours. My co-worker and I provided you examples of other people who started in your position that have worked their way up and gave you concrete steps to take that would eventually give you upward mobility. I guess this wasn’t good enough advice for you.

Not only did you not like your hours, but you were also apparently seeking other forms of employment within the organization during your first week. While your initiative is somewhat admirable, perhaps you should actually demonstrate you have some employable skills before you start looking for another job. This probably rubbed your manager the wrong way.

Apparently by your seventh – SEVENTH!! – day on the job you couldn’t come to terms with the early hours and arranged to be dismissed and sent back to your former employer. They must be overjoyed to have you back.

Good riddance creepy cranium,

SR

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Good morning Ms. Drunkypants,

Waking up from your stupor at 8:30 PM, and leaving your boss (who is also my boss and likes sharing these things with me) a frantic voicemail about how you're so sorry and you know you're late and you're on the way, is totally awesome.

Cheers!

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Dear new guy,How you came into a job interview and made the interviewer think "that's the guy I need" is beyond me, but I'll never trust that person’s judgement again. You had, quite possibly, the world’s largest head, with a mop of unruly hair you made no effort to tame and only succeeded in making your noggin look even bigger.Never have I seen such a visceral reaction to a new addition to an office. Your slovenly dress and unkempt appearance weren't making you any friends. The fact that you would slowly pace the halls and stare creepily into shared workspaces wasn't doing you any favours, either. Then you spent portions of the day in an open stairwell on your cell phone, only you wouldn't be talking. You also made a habit out of craning your neck and actually moving your body to get a view of female co-workers backsides – as they are talking to you, face-to-face! Are you kidding me? Then you continued to stare at their chests and butts as they walked away from you.The one word everyone in the office used to describe you? Creepy.On your third day, you stood outside my pod and stared blankly at my pod-mate and I. We tried to engage you in polite conversation and considering you have the personality of a turnip, this was extremely difficult. We know you were hired to do media monitoring. It’s a job that requires you to be in the office at 6:00 am. You knew this when you applied for the job and your hours of work were explicitly stated on your letter of offer. The positive to the early hours is that you’re out of the office by 2:00 pm. Your third day at a new job is not the time to start complaining to other people about how much you hate your hours. My co-worker and I provided you examples of other people who started in your position that have worked their way up and gave you concrete steps to take that would eventually give you upward mobility. I guess this wasn’t good enough advice for you.Not only did you not like your hours, but you were also apparently seeking other forms of employment within the organization during your first week. While your initiative is somewhat admirable, perhaps you should actually demonstrate you have some employable skills before you start looking for another job. This probably rubbed your manager the wrong way. Apparently by your seventh – SEVENTH!! – day on the job you couldn’t come to terms with the early hours and arranged to be dismissed and sent back to your former employer. They must be overjoyed to have you back.Good riddance creepy cranium,SR

6-2 would be AWESOME

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Good morning Ms. Drunkypants,

Waking up from your stupor at 8:30 PM, and leaving your boss (who is also my boss and likes sharing these things with me) a frantic voicemail about how you're so sorry and you know you're late and you're on the way, is totally awesome.

Cheers!

:lmao:

Awesome.

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Good morning Ms. Drunkypants,

Waking up from your stupor at 8:30 PM, and leaving your boss (who is also my boss and likes sharing these things with me) a frantic voicemail about how you're so sorry and you know you're late and you're on the way, is totally awesome.

Cheers!

To understand how funny this is, did she sleep through the entire day and make this call, or did she get hammered after work, pass out, and wake up at 8:30 in the evening, thinking it was morning?

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Good morning Ms. Drunkypants,

Waking up from your stupor at 8:30 PM, and leaving your boss (who is also my boss and likes sharing these things with me) a frantic voicemail about how you're so sorry and you know you're late and you're on the way, is totally awesome.

Cheers!

To understand how funny this is, did she sleep through the entire day and make this call, or did she get hammered after work, pass out, and wake up at 8:30 in the evening, thinking it was morning?
the latter.

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Dear Slouchy McNoShoulders,

STOP SENDING emails to all users with pictures of "the cutest boy in the world". We all have kids. We all think ours are the cutest. Am I supposed to print it out and hang it on my wall or something? Jesus you are a douchecicle.

BTW nice drunk college spring break bad high ankle tat. What is that, Taz? You rule.

-Bolt

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Dear Poopsie,

Please stop telling the other staff that you can come & go as you want and wear whatever you feel like because your daddy is the mayor and he's BFF with our CEO.

Even though its true. :rant:

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Dear Turd Burglar-

Why is it that every time I find an empty bathroom to do my duty, you show up right as I sit down and take the stall next to me? At least take the stall on the far end. I don’t enjoy hearing you moan and drop bombs. And I’d think you wouldn’t enjoying hearing me.

Thank you

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Dear Socially Dysfunctional Hypochondriac

It's odd enough you carry around a baby wipe every time you get up from your desk in the event you have to touch a door handle, but PLEASE stop tailgating people in and out of the office and bathroom so you don't have to touch the door. In the case that you can't stop slithering by folks as you make them hold the door for you, at least say thanks instead of staring at the ground and speed-walking past them.

Sincerely,

Not A Freak

Edited by LarryAllen'sJockstrap

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Dear Chewbacca -

There are round paper thingies in the bathroom to cover toilet seats. Not only are they there for your sanitary protection, but more importantly, mine. I would prefer to do my business on a seat that didn't look like it had been used for the hip-hop drummer Quest Love's haircut.

Consider investing in an ### razor.

Yours in Kojak,

R

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Dear Ms. Poor Divorcee Coworker,

I understand it must tough being a single mother living in a house that you can't afford with an interest only ARM loan. When you are invited to a coworker's house for a social gathering, it does not mean that you should put that time (including 2 hours travel time) on your time sheet so you can be paid for it.

Your skin looks like shoe leather because you just can't get enough sun. When you are "working from home" and you come into work with a sun burn the next day, it is an insult to everyone working here.

Refreshments are provided as a perk for the people who work in the office. This does not mean that you are allowed to bring a 12 pack home when you anticipate "working from home".

You are supposed to be our representative at the local chamber of commerce, but yet we have never received any business from your efforts. The chamber of commerce is not to be used as your personal dating service.

You have been involved in four car accidents in the last 18 months. Stop wondering why bad things only happen to you. It is because you suck as a driver. Two days after your last accident you suddenly started having back problems. Coincidently, that is when you found out that your insurance company was going to total your car and only give you $600 for it.

Please stop wasting everyone's time at work discussing your son's problem. He was beat up because he is a wise ###. Also, the reason he doesn't take anything you say seriously is because you never back up a threat. Case and point, you bought him a used Mustang GT for his birthday three months after he was convicted of mugging a woman at a train station, and 3 weeks after he was arrested trying to buy pot.

Edited by Winston Wolfe

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Good morning Ms. Drunkypants,

Waking up from your stupor at 8:30 PM, and leaving your boss (who is also my boss and likes sharing these things with me) a frantic voicemail about how you're so sorry and you know you're late and you're on the way, is totally awesome.

Cheers!

To understand how funny this is, did she sleep through the entire day and make this call, or did she get hammered after work, pass out, and wake up at 8:30 in the evening, thinking it was morning?
the latter.
:lmao: #### that's awesome.

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Dear Ms. Poor Divorcee Coworker,I understand it must tough being a single mother living in a house that you can't afford with an interest only ARM loan. When you are invited to a coworker's house for a social gathering, it does not mean that you should put that time (including 2 hours travel time) on your time sheet so you can be paid for it.Your skin looks like shoe leather because you just can't get enough sun. When you are "working from home" and you come into work with a sun burn the next day, it is an insult to everyone working here.Refreshments are provided as a perk for the people who work in the office. This does not mean that you are allowed to bring a 12 pack home when you anticipate "working from home".You are supposed to be our representative at the local chamber of commerce, but yet we have never received any business from your efforts. The chamber of commerce is not to be used as your personal dating service.You have been involved in four car accidents in the last 18 months. Stop wondering why bad things only happen to you. It is because you suck as a driver. Two days after your last accident you suddenly started having back problems. Coincidently, that is when you found out that your insurance company was going to total your car and only give you $600 for it.Please stop wasting everyone's time at work discussing your son's problem. He was beat up because he is a wise ###. Also, the reason he doesn't take anything you say seriously is because you never back up a threat. Case and point, you bought him a used Mustang GT for his birthday three months after he was convicted of mugging a woman at a train station, and 3 weeks after he was arrested trying to buy pot.

whoa

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Dear Chewbacca -There are round paper thingies in the bathroom to cover toilet seats. Not only are they there for your sanitary protection, but more importantly, mine. I would prefer to do my business on a seat that didn't look like it had been used for the hip-hop drummer Quest Love's haircut. Consider investing in an ### razor.Yours in Kojak,R

:yucky::lmao: :lmao:

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Dear Pretentious Orator,

Please stop. Nobody wants to receive a voice message that lasts more than 15 to 30 seconds. You routinely leave messages that last 3 to 5 minutes! Most of us hit delete at about 30 seconds anyway.

Also, be aware that you don’t sound smart when you mash three random big words together to form a new phrase. For example: “Stream of consciousness regurgitation”. Are you kidding me?

Finally, why do you say i.e. instead of just saying “in other words”? Can’t spare the extra 2 syllables in that 5 minute voice mail?

btw- Big haired perms have been out of style for 20 years now. Perhaps they will come back as retro. At least you will be on the cutting edge if/when that happens.

Good Day!

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Dear Disgusting #####,

I have written about you in this thread before but your disgusting habits continue. It is bad enough that on a daily basis I can hear you cough, hack, gag, and clear your throat in your office down the hall, but to actually hear you cough, hack, gag and clear your throat for 2 hours in a staff meeting makes me want to puke.

I can understand normal throat clearing prior to speaking up in a meting but to clear your throat of your mucus 47 times in 90 minutes (I only counted after it truly got on my nerves) and cough 26 times!!!?!!??!! PLEASE invest in some cough medicine and some Sudafed. Now.

Nauseatingly Yours,

WYB

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Dear Disgusting #####,

I have written about you in this thread before but your disgusting habits continue. It is bad enough that on a daily basis I can hear you cough, hack, gag, and clear your throat in your office down the hall, but to actually hear you cough, hack, gag and clear your throat for 2 hours in a staff meeting makes me want to puke.

I can understand normal throat clearing prior to speaking up in a meting but to clear your throat of your mucus 47 times in 90 minutes (I only counted after it truly got on my nerves) and cough 26 times!!!?!!??!! PLEASE invest in some cough medicine and some Sudafed. Now.

Nauseatingly Yours,

WYB

We've got a guy that does this.

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Dear Bossman,

Im glad to work for a white collar dude who rocks half tatted sleeves and moonlight's as a drummer for a pretty badarss punk band. You are laid back, extremely efficient, and I've never heard anyone complain about working for you. You invite us to some sweet gigs and throw killa parties attended by some really cool and interesting folks.

Keep up the good work-

Carv

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I work in a pretty big office building. Every day around 11:40 theres this 60 year oldish guy that comes walking through the building. As in walking to exercise right in between all of the cubicles. He's got his business casual attire on but he's rocking some walking shoes and headphones. Basically like the old folks that walk through malls for exercise.. do they still do that? Nevermind that we have a sizable gym a few floors down from where he is doing his walking.

A part of me wants to make fun of him, and it no doubt looks very out of place, but in some ways it just seems like some sort of shark move for 60 year olds.

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Dear Bossman,Im glad to work for a white collar dude who rocks half tatted sleeves and moonlight's as a drummer for a pretty badarss punk band. You are laid back, extremely efficient, and I've never heard anyone complain about working for you. You invite us to some sweet gigs and throw killa parties attended by some really cool and interesting folks. Keep up the good work-Carv

Dear Carver,Resume sent via PM.Yours in JB,SJ96

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Dear Hypochondriac Secretary,I am sorry that your elbow hurts.... your knee hurts... your head hurts....etc.... every day. I really want to hear about every little ache and pain and I truly enjoy all the drama with which you present your daily update of random ailments that are nothing more than a sign that you're slipping into the mid 50s.... At least, I thought they were just a harmless sign that you were aging until you were recently diagnosed with breast cancer and had to take a leave of absence for chemotherapy. :)Nice job picking out the wig and glad things are going well. Sincerely Icon

OH SNAP! :lmao::cry::lmao::lmao:

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Dear Ugly ### HR manager,I would like to start by saying how much I despise and hate you. -You do not need to send every email with high priority. -You are not a parent. Comparisons of your nephew are not the same as having children. -How you suckered that guy into marrying you amazes me. You are 60 something year old spinster with no redeaming qualities whatsoever.-You are ugly, stupid, pigeon toed, and the most boring person I have ever met. In closing I REALLY despise and hate you.GB

Congratulations on your retirement in January. Your office has never run more efficiently and friendly. Nice move in threatening to sue the company because of an error you made prior to leaving

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Email from a coworker. What does this mean? :pickle:

Here are some figures to look at on the _______ deal. This isn't picking the you know what out of the pepper but I feel like it is close to our actual cost during a normal day.

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thank god, i my new cube is next to talk-on-speakerphone guy :shrug:

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Email from a coworker. What does this mean? :shrug:

Here are some figures to look at on the _______ deal. This isn't picking gnat shit out of the pepper but I feel like it is close to our actual cost during a normal day.

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Email from a coworker. What does this mean? :thumbup:

Here are some figures to look at on the _______ deal. This isn't picking gnat shit out of the pepper but I feel like it is close to our actual cost during a normal day.

huh, well i guess i haven't heard that before.

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Email from a coworker. What does this mean? :confused:

Here are some figures to look at on the _______ deal. This isn't picking the you know what out of the pepper but I feel like it is close to our actual cost during a normal day.

it means she forget to fill in what deal she is referring to. hence the blank.

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thank god, i my new cube is next to talk-on-speakerphone guy :kicksrock:

I hate that guy.
no #### these ####ers are amazing! Put the ####### phone to your ear and talk like a normal person you #######!

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Email from a coworker. What does this mean? :goodposting:

Here are some figures to look at on the _______ deal. This isn't picking the you know what out of the pepper but I feel like it is close to our actual cost during a normal day.

it means she forget to fill in what deal she is referring to. hence the blank.
;)

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thank god, i my new cube is next to talk-on-speakerphone guy :goodposting:

I hate that guy.
no #### these ####ers are amazing! Put the ####### phone to your ear and talk like a normal person you #######!
I have found that simply repeating the speakerphone guys conversations back to him gets the message across. This epsecially works with private conversations that you can't help but overhear.

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Dear Overachieving ####face,

Not everyone likes working till 7:00 pm every day just because you think the world will end if we don't fix your minor glitch right now! Some of us have a life outside of work. Please stop exaggerating your minor bugs into all-world-ending issues so that you can claim to be the one who found them. It can wait until tomorrow #######!

Just because you don't want to go home to that too-much-makeup-wearing-trying-to-hide-her-hit-with-the-ugly-stick-face, too-much-mayo-bacon-thighs-of-a-wife doesn't mean we should all have to suffer.

Just accept the fact that you made a mistake marrying the first woman to show interest, and let the rest of us go home.

Sincerely,

The rest of the office

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Dear Overachieving ####face,Not everyone likes working till 7:00 pm every day just because you think the world will end if we don't fix your minor glitch right now! Some of us have a life outside of work. Please stop exaggerating your minor bugs into all-world-ending issues so that you can claim to be the one who found them. It can wait until tomorrow #######! Just because you don't want to go home to that too-much-makeup-wearing-trying-to-hide-her-hit-with-the-ugly-stick-face, too-much-mayo-bacon-thighs-of-a-wife doesn't mean we should all have to suffer. Just accept the fact that you made a mistake marrying the first woman to show interest, and let the rest of us go home. Sincerely,The rest of the office

Hi. I'm the guy working until 7 cleaning up the messes you made or 'didn't have time for'.And my wife is gorgeous.#### off.

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To the two ugly beasts who won't stop laughing uncontrollably... please stop. I am trying to prepare for my fantasy draft before I leave work for the day. Thanks

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Dear new boss,

Your "I always ask why three times and by the end I have the answer" philosophy doesn't make you sound deep, it makes you annoying as all ####.

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Stop saying "idealistically" so much. Thanks.

I need to work this into a conversation at least once before the end of the week.
Idealistic I don't work here.

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Dear Managing Partner:

Remember last year when I said we should fire that client that refused to pay costs or authorize us to do necessary discovery to prepare for trial? Remember how you said it wouldn't matter because the defendant had insurance and we'd settle it anyway?

When you came into my office today and said I'd be doing the trial, and I said we should just settle for what's on the table because we didn't have the facts to support the case, I meant it. When two other people in our office said the same thing independently, they meant it. So when you told me to just figure out my trial strategy because we were moving forward anyway? I just finished putting together my strategy:

I'm going to lose, badly.

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Good morning Ms. Drunkypants,

Waking up from your stupor at 8:30 PM, and leaving your boss (who is also my boss and likes sharing these things with me) a frantic voicemail about how you're so sorry and you know you're late and you're on the way, is totally awesome.

Cheers!

To understand how funny this is, did she sleep through the entire day and make this call, or did she get hammered after work, pass out, and wake up at 8:30 in the evening, thinking it was morning?
the latter.
Damn, who knew the company would actually hire a P.I. to follow you to "lunch" and report on how many drinks you had? Still you could have let us take you in for the piss test, if for no other reason than to stall for time while you hatched a better plan than "F--- it, I quit".. But hey, it's your life. Gllll peas.

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H. F. S.:confused:Note: Our 'StoreManagers' distribution list consists of over 200 locations, plus maybe 30 Admin staff.So hooray for this guy i guess... :shock:

From: Smith, JohnSent: September 14, 2009 10:47 AMTo: 'StoreManagers'Subject: I AM GAY John SmithAssistant ManagerCompany Name - Toronto Location

But wait, it gets better.

From: Dumas, ImaSent: September 14, 2009 10:50 AMTo: 'StoreManagers'Subject: I apologize, for the e-mail that just came through from John Smith, it was a joke in poor taste and I personally apologize for thisIma DumasManagerCompany Name - Toronto Location

As I was typing this...an outlook message popped up.

RECALL:John Smith would like to recall this message.[ OK ]

:shock:

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H. F. S.:confused:Note: Our 'StoreManagers' distribution list consists of over 200 locations, plus maybe 30 Admin staff.So hooray for this guy i guess... ;)

From: Smith, JohnSent: September 14, 2009 10:47 AMTo: 'StoreManagers'Subject: I AM GAY John SmithAssistant ManagerCompany Name - Toronto Location

But wait, it gets better.

From: Dumas, ImaSent: September 14, 2009 10:50 AMTo: 'StoreManagers'Subject: I apologize, for the e-mail that just came through from John Smith, it was a joke in poor taste and I personally apologize for thisIma DumasManagerCompany Name - Toronto Location

As I was typing this...an outlook message popped up.

RECALL:John Smith would like to recall this message.[ OK ]

:lmao:
I believe that this is reasons 1 thru 10 as to why you never walk away from your email when you are logged in. I always wanted to do something like that as a lesson to my boss and his boss, but I never had the stones to do it. Looking back, I wish I had.

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