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Nigel Tufnel

A note to my coworker ...

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Dear cube neighbor in the other row,

Pick up the ### #### handset, I don't need to hear every metting and your phone messages.

If that is difficult then buy a headset!!

Sincerely,

Cube buddy

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Dear guy that greets me with "There he is!":Stop. Stop now and please don't ever do this again. Are we participating in some team-building game of hide-and-seek I wasn't aware of? Or are you hunting me at someone else's behest? Because I can't figure out why you seem so surprised to see me in the bathroom (which is somewhat disconcerting) each time. TIA

You need to make fun of him by copying him or even better, beating him to it.Just make sure you let someone else in on the joke and you can have a good laugh over this fool.CW: There he is!kupcho1: No no...there YOU are!
I like that.Or how about this: I turn to my right, nod my head and say "Thank God, I thought I was the only one that could see him."

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Dear crazy guy with huge hairs sprouting from his face mole,

Please never change your ringtone. It shakes up an otherwise monotonous weekly meeting everytime it rings.

With much respect & admiration,

Stu

ps. Please also never adjust your ringtone volume. The current setting of 11 seems to be ideal.

That ringtone is phenomenal.

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Hey noisy walker in the next row.............

Why in the world do you have to make 500 trips into the kitchen every morning? Don't you know how to get a cup of coffee, rinse out your water bottle, and grab that awful smelling breakfast all at once?

You walk louder than a herd of cattle........and for having a Sr. Analyst position......you sure don't multi-task very well.

And as I have stressed in earlier posts here.................we don't all need to see your dirty dish in the sink every day. And since I am on a rant.............can you just once.......eat something else at lunch that doesn't stink up the whole kitchen????????

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Dear crazy guy with huge hairs sprouting from his face mole,

Please never change your ringtone. It shakes up an otherwise monotonous weekly meeting everytime it rings.

With much respect & admiration,

Stu

ps. Please also never adjust your ringtone volume. The current setting of 11 seems to be ideal.

That ringtone is phenomenal.
I like it too :goodposting: I think it's hilarous. I like the Geico commercial it's in. Makes me laugh every time.

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Dear ###-munch with the Ford F950 Super King Ranch Double Cab Duplex with Optional Breakfast Area that sleeps 16,

The fact that you bought and now have to park a vehicle the size of a small city doesn't give you the consitutional right to three parking spaces. There's a place for your truck, it's called the other end of the parking lot (hint: not the end closest to the entrance). TIA.

Sincerely,

Normal-sized vehicle owner

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Just because you have your headphones on doesn't mean we can't hear you singing.

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Just because you have your headphones on doesn't mean we can't hear you singing.

I know this guy. He used to work out every day at the company gym. He would occasionally start singing loudly like no one could hear him during his workout. Guy would also wear a wrestling singlet to work out in once or twice a week.

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Just because you have your headphones on doesn't mean we can't hear you singing.

Used to work with a girl who did the same. Very annoying.

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CAD: It was this or BEP's "Boom Boom Pow"

That actually IS my ringtone. :lmao: Before it was "Party People"...I guess I'm a CAD :lmao:

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CAD: It was this or BEP's "Boom Boom Pow"

That actually IS my ringtone. :lmao: Before it was "Party People"...I guess I'm a CAD :lmao:
Kill yourself. TIA.

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CAD: It was this or BEP's "Boom Boom Pow"

That actually IS my ringtone. :yes:

Before it was "Party People"...

I guess I'm a CAD :excited:

Kill yourself. TIA.
Actually, I'm only a CCD. I usually have my phone on vibrate.

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Guy would also wear a wrestling singlet to work out in once or twice a week.

:lmao:

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FYI, next time you're doing weight loss research don't leave the "Why do I overeat?" questionnaire on the copier.

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FYI, next time you're doing weight loss research don't leave the "Why do I overeat?" questionnaire on the copier.

Maybe she was sending a hint to another coworker?

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FYI, next time you're doing weight loss research don't leave the "Why do I overeat?" questionnaire on the copier.

Maybe she was sending a hint to another coworker?
I think this happened on Friday. I was the first one in the office today and noticed it before anyone else was there. If it was meant for someone to notice it was a pretty bad plan.

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I work with a guy who is 27 years old and a freshman at Florida Southern College.

Dear dickface:

Youre a 27 year old college student who works part time for food money. Youre broke, I get it. Thats your choice, so quit #####ing about it. You work Monday, Wednesday and Friday, with no flexibility. Well, #### you. I dont give a rats ### about rush week, your fraternity, black light parties, campus politics, or the fact that you hang out with 18-21 year old college chicks all the time, and how they all adore you because youre older and more mature than most of the guys there. You are a complete and utter tool. Please go fornicate yourself with an iron stick.

Hold on. A 27 year old freshman who's rushing? This guy is ##### of epic proportions. Tell him his frat brothers are only keeping him around to buy the beer. Report back.
and yet he's banging 18 year old women....

yeah, what a #####. :mellow:

bumpity bump bump. Cheers to the 27yr old banging 18 year old snatch.

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FYI, next time you're doing weight loss research don't leave the "Why do I overeat?" questionnaire on the copier.

Maybe she was sending a hint to another coworker?
I think this happened on Friday. I was the first one in the office today and noticed it before anyone else was there. If it was meant for someone to notice it was a pretty bad plan.
Maybe... maybe not. How much overweight are you?

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FYI, next time you're doing weight loss research don't leave the "Why do I overeat?" questionnaire on the copier.

Maybe she was sending a hint to another coworker?
I think this happened on Friday. I was the first one in the office today and noticed it before anyone else was there. If it was meant for someone to notice it was a pretty bad plan.
Shut up and fill out the questionnaire chubs.

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Hey office neighbor. Thanks for putting up all those pictures of you training for a marathon and letting everybody know about it every day. Funny how much you train yet you still look like a linebacker. But really, thanks for all those pictures. I can put a new one up everyday on my dart board if I want now!

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You've recently turned 50 and got implants for yourself as a present. How nice!

See, the thing is you're not really an attractive 50 and the clothes you wear are more appropriate for someone less than half your age. It doesn't help that your new boobs are offset by the bulge of your belly in those uber-tight shirts.

People stare, not because you're attractive and have a great rack. They stare because you look like the grandmother of all cougars traipsing around like you're God's gift to boners.

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Dear Lab tech,

Despite the fact that you look exactly like him, I apologize for actually calling you Shaggy to your face. Rest assured it was a slip and not meant to be insulting.

Now please finish reworking my board and i'll give you some scooby snacks

-joffer

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You've recently turned 50 and got implants for yourself as a present. How nice!See, the thing is you're not really an attractive 50 and the clothes you wear are more appropriate for someone less than half your age. It doesn't help that your new boobs are offset by the bulge of your belly in those uber-tight shirts. People stare, not because you're attractive and have a great rack. They stare because you look like the grandmother of all cougars traipsing around like you're God's gift to boners.

You gotta get a pic, not because I want to see this chick, but because I must see this chick

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You've recently turned 50 and got implants for yourself as a present. How nice!See, the thing is you're not really an attractive 50 and the clothes you wear are more appropriate for someone less than half your age. It doesn't help that your new boobs are offset by the bulge of your belly in those uber-tight shirts. People stare, not because you're attractive and have a great rack. They stare because you look like the grandmother of all cougars traipsing around like you're God's gift to boners.

"...that's like hanging a new chandelier in a haunted house."Jeff Foxworthy

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Dear Lab tech,

Despite the fact that you look exactly like him, I apologize for actually calling you Shaggy to your face. Rest assured it was a slip and not meant to be insulting.

Now please finish reworking my board and i'll give you some scooby snacks

-joffer

:castingcall:

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Dear New Network Guy:

Please stop enforcing stereotypes by 'axing' questions and getting 'twenty cent' as change.

TIA

- Kee

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Dear Middle-Aged Woman,Please stop saying Wonderbar. The word is wonderful. It makes you look like an idiot.

maybe she's from schleswig-holstein?

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Dear Middle-Aged Woman,Please stop saying Wonderbar. The word is wonderful. It makes you look like an idiot.

maybe she's from schleswig-holstein?
:thumbup:

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They stare because you look like the grandmother of all cougars traipsing around like you're God's gift to boners.

:shock:

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Dear Middle-Aged Woman,Please stop saying Wonderbar. The word is wonderful. It makes you look like an idiot.

:lmao:

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Dear co-worker who is constantly justifying his extravagant purchases: congrats on the $700 handmade leather golf bag and the $200 golf cart. I'm sure that these purchases somehow do improve your golf game (I loved the explanation of how you had so much more energy on the 18th hole because your new golf cart rolls soooooo much easier than a rickshaw).

But please stop trying to convince me that I need these things, and that my life would be incomplete without them. I think I'll be just fine with my 10-year-old Bag Boy (which I rarely even need because GOLF BAGS AREN'T HEAVY!)

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Dear Guy who wrote this sentence,I've never met you. Let's keep it that way. Thank you for your understanding.

Our goal is to promote Diversity & Inclusion using [company]'s core values, to enable employees to speak the same language of diversity and inclusion as well as, to better understand both the business and personal case for diversity, to energize the [company] Diversity Wheel, and to reinforce Diversity Competencies.

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Dear Guy who wrote this sentence,I've never met you. Let's keep it that way. Thank you for your understanding.

Our goal is to promote Diversity & Inclusion using [company]'s core values, to enable employees to speak the same language of diversity and inclusion as well as, to better understand both the business and personal case for diversity, to energize the [company] Diversity Wheel, and to reinforce Diversity Competencies.

WTF :rolleyes:

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Dear Guy who wrote this sentence,

I've never met you. Let's keep it that way. Thank you for your understanding.

Our goal is to promote Diversity & Inclusion using [company]'s core values, to enable employees to speak the same language of diversity and inclusion as well as, to better understand both the business and personal case for diversity, to energize the [company] Diversity Wheel, and to reinforce Diversity Competencies.

You need to post this.

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Dear Guy who wrote this sentence,

I've never met you. Let's keep it that way. Thank you for your understanding.

Our goal is to promote Diversity & Inclusion using [company]'s core values, to enable employees to speak the same language of diversity and inclusion as well as, to better understand both the business and personal case for diversity, to energize the [company] Diversity Wheel, and to reinforce Diversity Competencies.

You need to post this.
The stupid thing, well one of the stupid things, is that the only one out there is barely readable. I looked for it yesterday, because I was taking online training for this crap.

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Dear 400 lb chick who has been ranting to my cube neighbor for the past 15 minutes:

Aren't y'all supposed to be jolly?

Thanks for clarifying.

Rgds,

Poor SOB who forgot his iPhone charger today and can't drown out the noise

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Dear Guy who wrote this sentence,

I've never met you. Let's keep it that way. Thank you for your understanding.

Our goal is to promote Diversity & Inclusion using [company]'s core values, to enable employees to speak the same language of diversity and inclusion as well as, to better understand both the business and personal case for diversity, to energize the [company] Diversity Wheel, and to reinforce Diversity Competencies.

You need to post this.
The stupid thing, well one of the stupid things, is that the only one out there is barely readable. I looked for it yesterday, because I was taking online training for this crap.
:lmao:

That's awesome. It looks like something that could have been on the walls at Initech. My favorite feature by far is the three empty spokes.

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Dear Guy who wrote this sentence,

I've never met you. Let's keep it that way. Thank you for your understanding.

Our goal is to promote Diversity & Inclusion using [company]'s core values, to enable employees to speak the same language of diversity and inclusion as well as, to better understand both the business and personal case for diversity, to energize the [company] Diversity Wheel, and to reinforce Diversity Competencies.

You need to post this.
The stupid thing, well one of the stupid things, is that the only one out there is barely readable. I looked for it yesterday, because I was taking online training for this crap.
:lol:

That's awesome. It looks like something that could have been on the walls at Initech. My favorite feature by far is the three empty spokes.

Those are perfect, I can't believe I didn't notice on the 1st look.

:lmao::lmao:

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Dear Guy who wrote this sentence,

I've never met you. Let's keep it that way. Thank you for your understanding.

Our goal is to promote Diversity & Inclusion using [company]'s core values, to enable employees to speak the same language of diversity and inclusion as well as, to better understand both the business and personal case for diversity, to energize the [company] Diversity Wheel, and to reinforce Diversity Competencies.

You need to post this.
The stupid thing, well one of the stupid things, is that the only one out there is barely readable. I looked for it yesterday, because I was taking online training for this crap.
:lmao:

That's awesome. It looks like something that could have been on the walls at Initech. My favorite feature by far is the three empty spokes.

I like how the spokes are either purely white, or shades of grey.

High racial inclusion there.

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I'm no dietician, but if you turn in your expense report, and your boss asks you to list the people who were at dinner with you -- and it was just you -- you might be overeating. this may be contributing to your weight zooming past the 400 lb barrier.

-Q

p.s. you're fat

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Dear Guy who wrote this sentence,

I've never met you. Let's keep it that way. Thank you for your understanding.

Our goal is to promote Diversity & Inclusion using [company]'s core values, to enable employees to speak the same language of diversity and inclusion as well as, to better understand both the business and personal case for diversity, to energize the [company] Diversity Wheel, and to reinforce Diversity Competencies.

You need to post this.
The stupid thing, well one of the stupid things, is that the only one out there is barely readable. I looked for it yesterday, because I was taking online training for this crap.
:lmao:

That's awesome. It looks like something that could have been on the walls at Initech. My favorite feature by far is the three empty spokes.

I'd like to nominate:

- Personal Hygiene

as one of the three empty slots. Can't come up with 2 others right now (jetlagged)

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Not a co-worker but the customer who I am working for:

It's the other side of 40 degrees C with the humidity and you are also bathed in sweat, TURN ON THE FREAKING AC.

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The the greasy-haired 50+ year-old lady who sits in the cube next to me.Consider yourself very lucky that you have worked for the federal government for so long. Your complete and utter lack of ANY employable skills coupled with your inability to do even the most menial of tasks on your own (ie. emailing our manager) would have you out on your ### from any other employer in short order.Also, when you're on the phone talking with your dipstick husband, PLEASE, for the love of all that is holy, DO NOT ask to speak with your mangy f-ing poodle and proceed to try to have a conversation with it using baby-talk. No matter how long you incoherently babble at this little rat-dog it will never talk back to you.Also, when something isn't working properly on your computer, asking it what's the matter isn't going to help. When nooone comes to your aid, asking your computer in a louder voice will not make it answer, either.

I've since moved to a different posting in the organization, but I hear you're retiring. Amazing that you made it to retirement. Colleagues have told me that you've really ramped up the crazy these past few months, when you actually bothered to show up to work, that is. I figured I'd send you a congratulatory email on your upcoming retirement. So, I sent you the email a few days before your last day and you already had your out of office response on saying:

I am retired, hope you have a good time without me.

You won't be missed, but that's brilliant retirement shtick!

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Dear former co-worker, hypochondriac, crazy lady . . .

Yes, you again.So good to hear you had to take the morning off since the hatch of your SUV wouldn't close and it needed to be held shut with a rope/bungee. Did you need to take the morning off to get it to the shop to get it fixed? Nope, you just needed the morning off.Unbelievable.

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Dear closeted gay dude,

It's sad to see you so beaten down by your beard marriage most days. But is good that you're still taking care of your grooming. I know you're, "on the fence. It has been a while since you had a pedi", but it's good to hear you're going for it and splurging for your hair and nail appointment this weekend.

homoerotically yours,

SM

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Dear strange "talks to himself" guy;

Next time, rather than sauntering slowly up to it, nervously shrugging your shoulders and twitching your neck like a geeky teenager about to ask the prom queen out on a date, stride confidently towards one of the urinals. There are people who need to take a freakin' piss here and you're holding up the line. :rant:

Sincerely,

Narrowly Averted Pissing His Pants Guy.

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