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Nigel Tufnel

A note to my coworker ...

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How many ### #### times are you going to ask me the same question you ####ing IDIOT?!?! THE SCHEDULE MEANS NOTHING BECAUSE THE DESIGN IS NOT APPROVED. DO YOU ####ING HEAR ME??? Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?? I swear on the lives of my children, if you ask me one more stupid question today I will kick you so hard in your dusty old flapper that your 30 year old son will be un-born. NO MORE TALKY TO MIKEY, CAPICHE?

How do you like to eat scallops?

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Me: Hey Jake (guy in charge of shipping), we need a truck here on Friday to ship the load going to ABC customer.

Ed: OK, what's going on the load?

Me: <names various pieces of equipment that need to be shipped>

Ed: OK, so when do we want to schedule shipment?

:wall:

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Dear Bathroom Play-by-Play/Color Commentator Guy -

When I took this job back in July, I was rather disturbed to learn that the one bathroom in the entire office was located exactly 15 feet from your desk. Throughout my life, I have enjoyed furtive facilities, lightly trafficked and undisturbed. At my last job, I would pass on the frenetic Men’s Room located adjacent to our office doors and opted instead to venture to the quiet 12th floor, where I could poop in utter solitude. Moreover, I consider taking a crap on the company dime my God given right and do my best reading while tucked away in locked isolation.

Furthermore, when our boss forewarned me that you would make my pooping life here at the office a humiliating experience, I was dumbfounded and didn't quite understand the admonishment. He chuckled and said "Just you wait..."

Unfortunately, I couldn't wait, thanks to a healthy heaping of black beans the night prior and thermos full of black coffee that morning. So I grabbed some reading material, went into the bathroom, locked the door and sat. I took a moment to admire the clean facilities, the wicker basket full of magazines and newspapers, the expensive artwork and all the candles. The bathroom even has a lovely shower attached. If ever there was a place designed to enjoy a daily dump, this is it.

And then it started. I let out muted warning shot before the cannon fodder hit the bowl. No sooner did that one note tune exit my body did I hear the cackling sounds of your high pitched laugh, follwed by a loud, obnoxious "WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA". :bag: For a moment, I thought a hyena had entered the building. Then I remembered our boss's warning and knew right away that you were a debase, deranged version of the SNL "Copy Man" played by Rob Schnieder.

In the weeks and months since, I have been treated to rousing applause and several barked out, creative phrases like "Hey, we're trying to run a business out here" or "Oh my god, somebody has diarrhea" or my favorite "Dude, I'm on the phone!". It doesn't matter how hard I try to make as little noise as possible in there, it's as if you have a stethoscope to the door. You have taken what used to be an enjoyable workday past time and turned it into a traumatic experience. And I'm not alone. Everybody in the office is subject to your maniacal cat calls and turd analysis. What sucks is that when we try to flip the tables on you, you just laugh it off and feed on it. You come out of the bathroom holding up your arms like Rocky Balboa.

Not only do you yell and scream anytime you hear a fart, but you have been counting how many times each of us goes in there. If I go twice in a day, you say "Dude, what's wrong with you?" as if going twice in a day is abnormal. The day I went thrice, I thought you were going to call Ripley's. My poor boss installed a weather strip at the bottom of the door thinking that would help. Didn't work. Our poor analyst from India is so afraid of you that he drives to the grocery store to do his business. It's not funny. Also not funny is that you are a former body building champion who wakes up at 2am to work out every single day and could break me in half with your nostrils. Knock it the hell off. Let us poop in peace.

Sweet Kisses,

Poophobic

this has got to be post of the year. Your co-worker sounds funny as hell
+1
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Possibly the funniest post that has ever graced these pages.

Whatever happened to this guy? ;)

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Guy next to me-you have to stop chomping that disgusting gum. The sound and the smell makes me nauseous every day.

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Dear Coworker:

If I have to hear you tell one more person your Valentine's Day story of "I wrote down one thing I love about my wife for each of the 28 years we've been married, tied them to red balloons and let them float throughout the house for her to find"...

Getting about the 9th rendition of this as I type. JFC...

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you're a useless pos that gets paid 90+ to sit and do absolutely nothing. either retire now or die please choose quickly b/c i want your cube

nobody likes you. stop staring at me, stop getting into all of my converstations. you are nobodys friend you are just annoying old weird guy that carrys a bottle oflotion with you arond the office. the women are afarid of you and your pathietc :thumbup:

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Dear New Guy,

If you ask me a question on how to do something 50 times, and each time I give you the same answer. Chances are pretty good that you don't need to ask me the 51st time. Now take some ####ing initiative, do your own work and stop trying to get all of your co-workers to coddle you and do your work for you. The new guy excuse is only valid for 3 months - you are now in your 6th month. Now do your ####ing job.

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the women are afarid of you and your pathietc :thumbup:

His pathetic what?
No, him and his pathietc.
Well, you can never be too safe when you are afarid. Edited by TxBuckeye

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Yes new girl, the referrals that come in on your day off will not be shared with you, now go sit in the corner and apply more makeup while you think about what you just asked me for. Oh by the way, if you are scheduled to come in at 8:15 and we open at 8:30, please let us know that when you run late and come in at the crack of 9AM that you will also have a full coat of make up on like it is prom night. We wouldn't have wanted you to look like, oh I don't know, like you were actually late or anything.

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Dear nosy admin lady,

I know that I'm the first guy who has been hired on a salary basis. I understand that you have a hard time realizing that I work from home sometimes, that I have meetings away from the office, that I work on the phone, often times nights and weekends, because my clients have day jobs and need me on off hours. I don't owe you an explanation of where I will be at all times, and when I call you from a meeting, or the car, or from home, to ask you to fax something or send me a copy of an invoice or proposal (all well within your job description) your passive way of asking me 'if I'm coming in today' just shows that, despite the repeated explanations about my job description and how I keep my hours (all of which are approved by the president for whom we both work) you still think I'm not working.

The next time you are on your cell phone in the back room pretending to find office supplies, or using the office printer for your at-home clothing business, I will be sure to ask you passive aggressive questions about those things. What goes around and all that good stuff.

Sincerely,

The guy who will likely be your boss within the next 2 years.

P.S. Not EVERY story someone else tells directly relates to you or your kids. We all know your son is a big shot at Allstate and your daughter has the cutest kids ever (which isn't really true). Let people finish their stories, don't interrupt, and please stop one upping everyone. I swear, if all your stories are true, your kids could give the Dos Equis guy a run for his money.

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Dear new girl;

You're not cute enough to make up for your irritating qualities.

Your high-pitched and shrill voice is grating. Especially when it goes up an octave or two when you're trying to be cute talking to guys in the office.

You yawn. Loud.

You chew and smack your food. Loud.

I could almost look past these until I heard you sneeze, which you do 3+ times a day. It's not so much that you sneeze, it's that everytime you sneeze out comes "Ahh-chooo-ey." There's no way this is natural. You probably started putting the "ey" on the end of your sneezes when you were much younger in an effort to be "cute" and it has now become a habit. See, the thing is, you're in your early 20s and it's no longer cute, kinda like the rest of you.

I really hope your six-month contract isn't renewed.

Hugs,

SR

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To the new guy....your phone conversations are way too ####ing loud. The whole floor can hear you. Buried somewhere you must surely possess an indoor voice. Must also spend so many hours on the phone?

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Dear co-worker,

I don't like you. I never have. I didn't like you the first week I worked here and you came into my office drunk from the holiday party and told me my wedding ring was smaller than yours, even though you were wrong. I didn't like you when you told people I wear fake handbags (it's a girl thing).

I've tried to be nice and play nice since we work in a very small department. That stopped when you yelled at me in the hall in front of people for something that was YOUR responisibility.

You don't know everything. You don't have more work than everyone else. Your are too damn old to be wearing miniskirts at all, much less for work. Your clothes are starting to looking like sausage casing and your shoes are trashy.

Please for my sanity, stop coming by my cube and trying to talk to me. I don't care.

/iamranty

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Dear co-worker,I don't like you. I never have. I didn't like you the first week I worked here and you came into my office drunk from the holiday party and told me my wedding ring was smaller than yours, even though you were wrong. I didn't like you when you told people I wear fake handbags (it's a girl thing). I've tried to be nice and play nice since we work in a very small department. That stopped when you yelled at me in the hall in front of people for something that was YOUR responisibility. You don't know everything. You don't have more work than everyone else. Your are too damn old to be wearing miniskirts at all, much less for work. Your clothes are starting to looking like sausage casing and your shoes are trashy. Please for my sanity, stop coming by my cube and trying to talk to me. I don't care. /iamranty

Some people don't like fake funbags. As long as they are not too big, I don't see the problem. :pics:ETA: I now see you said handbags, not funbags... my bad Edited by Keerock

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you're a useless pos that gets paid 90+ to sit and do absolutely nothing. either retire now or die please choose quickly b/c i want your cubenobody likes you. stop staring at me, stop getting into all of my converstations. you are nobodys friend you are just annoying old weird guy that carrys a bottle oflotion with you arond the office. the women are afarid of you and your pathietc :thumbup:

It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

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Dear coworker. The person you replaced was no rocket scientist but he also wasn't totally out of it. The client indicated there were two wire xfers in his email but you send me one wire. When I point this out you say you will contact the client and then you forward me the same exact wire xfer instructions. It isn't difficult to see that there's something wrong here. If this was the first time something like this happened I'd write it off, but does it have to be a semi-monthly affair?

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Dear Blue Meanie

It's not your dour demeanor that makes the office wonder why you come to work if you're so miserable...

it's not your incessant clockwatching...

it's not your need to have a scapegoat on your staff so you feel better about yourself and, when they leave, find someone else to micromanage...

it's not how you need to remind us of proper office attire while wearing pants that stay up by a belt and a miracle around your 400 pound girth...

that makes me write this letter. No...

It's the fact that despite your mountainous proportions you head straight from the stalls and out the bathroom door without washing your hands. :X

Sincerely,

one staff person who won't be shaking your hand anytime soon.

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Listen up lady,

We hire a lot of people for our projects. I know this means you have to deal with a lot of new-hire paperwork. I9s. W2s. That's fine. But what drives me bat#### is that you have to have the same conversation with every. person. who comes in to fill out paperwork.

"I just need to verify your ID. Oooooh, you're a Gemini. That's goooood. We like Geminis here. You know, your supervisor is also a Gemini. That means you're both smart but quietly hardworking."

"Can I see your ID? Ah, a Taurus. Hmm. That could be a problem. Billy in accounting is an Aries and if he's managing your project, that could be an issue because you guys won't get along. Let me call over there and check. (picks up phone) Danny? Who's managing the new project? Is it Billy? Oh, it's Wendy. OK, thanks. She's a Virgo, right? Thanks. (hangs up) Well, it's not Billy, but it's Wendy, who's a Virgo, so maybe it'll be OK but I'll have to keep an eye on it because sometimes you're both so headstrong things get tense."

"Nice to meet you. Can I see your ID? Oh, Pisces. Oh dear. We had a problem with a Pisces last year. Sometimes you can be too overconfident and then you don't check with us before doing stuff. Make sure that doesn't happen, OK?"

:hot:

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Listen up lady,

We hire a lot of people for our projects. I know this means you have to deal with a lot of new-hire paperwork. I9s. W2s. That's fine. But what drives me bat#### is that you have to have the same conversation with every. person. who comes in to fill out paperwork.

"I just need to verify your ID. Oooooh, you're a Gemini. That's goooood. We like Geminis here. You know, your supervisor is also a Gemini. That means you're both smart but quietly hardworking."

"Can I see your ID? Ah, a Taurus. Hmm. That could be a problem. Billy in accounting is an Aries and if he's managing your project, that could be an issue because you guys won't get along. Let me call over there and check. (picks up phone) Danny? Who's managing the new project? Is it Billy? Oh, it's Wendy. OK, thanks. She's a Virgo, right? Thanks. (hangs up) Well, it's not Billy, but it's Wendy, who's a Virgo, so maybe it'll be OK but I'll have to keep an eye on it because sometimes you're both so headstrong things get tense."

"Nice to meet you. Can I see your ID? Oh, Pisces. Oh dear. We had a problem with a Pisces last year. Sometimes you can be too overconfident and then you don't check with us before doing stuff. Make sure that doesn't happen, OK?"

:hot:

I would report her to HR or fire her for just being a total moron. Or both.

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Listen up lady,

We hire a lot of people for our projects. I know this means you have to deal with a lot of new-hire paperwork. I9s. W2s. That's fine. But what drives me bat#### is that you have to have the same conversation with every. person. who comes in to fill out paperwork.

"I just need to verify your ID. Oooooh, you're a Gemini. That's goooood. We like Geminis here. You know, your supervisor is also a Gemini. That means you're both smart but quietly hardworking."

"Can I see your ID? Ah, a Taurus. Hmm. That could be a problem. Billy in accounting is an Aries and if he's managing your project, that could be an issue because you guys won't get along. Let me call over there and check. (picks up phone) Danny? Who's managing the new project? Is it Billy? Oh, it's Wendy. OK, thanks. She's a Virgo, right? Thanks. (hangs up) Well, it's not Billy, but it's Wendy, who's a Virgo, so maybe it'll be OK but I'll have to keep an eye on it because sometimes you're both so headstrong things get tense."

"Nice to meet you. Can I see your ID? Oh, Pisces. Oh dear. We had a problem with a Pisces last year. Sometimes you can be too overconfident and then you don't check with us before doing stuff. Make sure that doesn't happen, OK?"

:hot:

Next time you hear this, go into her office and ask her for her ID. "Oh, I see you're a bat #### crazy ##### who thinks astronomy actually means something. You're bound to annoy everyone around you with your senseless banter. I see a problem with this..."

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Listen up lady,

We hire a lot of people for our projects. I know this means you have to deal with a lot of new-hire paperwork. I9s. W2s. That's fine. But what drives me bat#### is that you have to have the same conversation with every. person. who comes in to fill out paperwork.

"I just need to verify your ID. Oooooh, you're a Gemini. That's goooood. We like Geminis here. You know, your supervisor is also a Gemini. That means you're both smart but quietly hardworking."

"Can I see your ID? Ah, a Taurus. Hmm. That could be a problem. Billy in accounting is an Aries and if he's managing your project, that could be an issue because you guys won't get along. Let me call over there and check. (picks up phone) Danny? Who's managing the new project? Is it Billy? Oh, it's Wendy. OK, thanks. She's a Virgo, right? Thanks. (hangs up) Well, it's not Billy, but it's Wendy, who's a Virgo, so maybe it'll be OK but I'll have to keep an eye on it because sometimes you're both so headstrong things get tense."

"Nice to meet you. Can I see your ID? Oh, Pisces. Oh dear. We had a problem with a Pisces last year. Sometimes you can be too overconfident and then you don't check with us before doing stuff. Make sure that doesn't happen, OK?"

:hot:

Next time you hear this, go into her office and ask her for her ID. "Oh, I see you're a bat #### crazy ##### who thinks astronomy actually means something. You're bound to annoy everyone around you with your senseless banter. I see a problem with this..."

Astronomy is real, Copernicus.

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Listen up lady,

We hire a lot of people for our projects. I know this means you have to deal with a lot of new-hire paperwork. I9s. W2s. That's fine. But what drives me bat#### is that you have to have the same conversation with every. person. who comes in to fill out paperwork.

"I just need to verify your ID. Oooooh, you're a Gemini. That's goooood. We like Geminis here. You know, your supervisor is also a Gemini. That means you're both smart but quietly hardworking."

"Can I see your ID? Ah, a Taurus. Hmm. That could be a problem. Billy in accounting is an Aries and if he's managing your project, that could be an issue because you guys won't get along. Let me call over there and check. (picks up phone) Danny? Who's managing the new project? Is it Billy? Oh, it's Wendy. OK, thanks. She's a Virgo, right? Thanks. (hangs up) Well, it's not Billy, but it's Wendy, who's a Virgo, so maybe it'll be OK but I'll have to keep an eye on it because sometimes you're both so headstrong things get tense."

"Nice to meet you. Can I see your ID? Oh, Pisces. Oh dear. We had a problem with a Pisces last year. Sometimes you can be too overconfident and then you don't check with us before doing stuff. Make sure that doesn't happen, OK?"

:hot:

Next time you hear this, go into her office and ask her for her ID. "Oh, I see you're a bat #### crazy ##### who thinks astronomy actually means something. You're bound to annoy everyone around you with your senseless banter. I see a problem with this..."

Astronomy is real, Copernicus.
Boy, you're Ptolemy!

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Listen up lady,

We hire a lot of people for our projects. I know this means you have to deal with a lot of new-hire paperwork. I9s. W2s. That's fine. But what drives me bat#### is that you have to have the same conversation with every. person. who comes in to fill out paperwork.

"I just need to verify your ID. Oooooh, you're a Gemini. That's goooood. We like Geminis here. You know, your supervisor is also a Gemini. That means you're both smart but quietly hardworking."

"Can I see your ID? Ah, a Taurus. Hmm. That could be a problem. Billy in accounting is an Aries and if he's managing your project, that could be an issue because you guys won't get along. Let me call over there and check. (picks up phone) Danny? Who's managing the new project? Is it Billy? Oh, it's Wendy. OK, thanks. She's a Virgo, right? Thanks. (hangs up) Well, it's not Billy, but it's Wendy, who's a Virgo, so maybe it'll be OK but I'll have to keep an eye on it because sometimes you're both so headstrong things get tense."

"Nice to meet you. Can I see your ID? Oh, Pisces. Oh dear. We had a problem with a Pisces last year. Sometimes you can be too overconfident and then you don't check with us before doing stuff. Make sure that doesn't happen, OK?"

:hot:

Next time you hear this, go into her office and ask her for her ID. "Oh, I see you're a bat #### crazy ##### who thinks astronomy actually means something. You're bound to annoy everyone around you with your senseless banter. I see a problem with this..."

Astronomy is real, Copernicus.
:lmao: OK... Astrology then.

Better yet... tell her she was born in the year of the pig. Figures.

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Listen up lady,

We hire a lot of people for our projects. I know this means you have to deal with a lot of new-hire paperwork. I9s. W2s. That's fine. But what drives me bat#### is that you have to have the same conversation with every. person. who comes in to fill out paperwork.

"I just need to verify your ID. Oooooh, you're a Gemini. That's goooood. We like Geminis here. You know, your supervisor is also a Gemini. That means you're both smart but quietly hardworking."

"Can I see your ID? Ah, a Taurus. Hmm. That could be a problem. Billy in accounting is an Aries and if he's managing your project, that could be an issue because you guys won't get along. Let me call over there and check. (picks up phone) Danny? Who's managing the new project? Is it Billy? Oh, it's Wendy. OK, thanks. She's a Virgo, right? Thanks. (hangs up) Well, it's not Billy, but it's Wendy, who's a Virgo, so maybe it'll be OK but I'll have to keep an eye on it because sometimes you're both so headstrong things get tense."

"Nice to meet you. Can I see your ID? Oh, Pisces. Oh dear. We had a problem with a Pisces last year. Sometimes you can be too overconfident and then you don't check with us before doing stuff. Make sure that doesn't happen, OK?"

:hot:

Is this her shtick or is she being serious?

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"Nice to meet you. Can I see your ID? Oh, Pisces. Oh dear. We had a problem with a Pisces last year. Sometimes you can be too overconfident and then you don't check with us before doing stuff. Make sure that doesn't happen, OK?"

Is this her shtick or is she being serious?
100% serious. And she's made friends with all the like-minded middle-aged hairdos in the other departments so she can consult them if anything comes up she's not sure about when dealing with a new hire. "Tiffany? We just hired a Scorpio. I think he'll work out well. But do you remember if Jim in legal is a Sagittarius? We should see if maybe someone else can sign the deal memo."

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The word is "glean" not "gleam"

HTH

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Listen up lady,

We hire a lot of people for our projects. I know this means you have to deal with a lot of new-hire paperwork. I9s. W2s. That's fine. But what drives me bat#### is that you have to have the same conversation with every. person. who comes in to fill out paperwork.

"I just need to verify your ID. Oooooh, you're a Gemini. That's goooood. We like Geminis here. You know, your supervisor is also a Gemini. That means you're both smart but quietly hardworking."

"Can I see your ID? Ah, a Taurus. Hmm. That could be a problem. Billy in accounting is an Aries and if he's managing your project, that could be an issue because you guys won't get along. Let me call over there and check. (picks up phone) Danny? Who's managing the new project? Is it Billy? Oh, it's Wendy. OK, thanks. She's a Virgo, right? Thanks. (hangs up) Well, it's not Billy, but it's Wendy, who's a Virgo, so maybe it'll be OK but I'll have to keep an eye on it because sometimes you're both so headstrong things get tense."

"Nice to meet you. Can I see your ID? Oh, Pisces. Oh dear. We had a problem with a Pisces last year. Sometimes you can be too overconfident and then you don't check with us before doing stuff. Make sure that doesn't happen, OK?"

:hot:

Next time you hear this, go into her office and ask her for her ID. "Oh, I see you're a bat #### crazy ##### who thinks astronomy actually means something. You're bound to annoy everyone around you with your senseless banter. I see a problem with this..."

Astronomy is real, Copernicus.
:lmao:

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To Mr. Loudly Moaning While Taking a Leak Man:

Seriously dude go get yourself checked out at the urologist. Nobody should sound like they are in mid-orgasm while at the stall draining the snake.

Also, standing there with both hands on your hips makes it even more weird.

Edited by Premier

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To Mr. Loudly Moaning While Taking a Leak Man:

Seriously dude go get yourself checked out at the urologist. Nobody should sound like they are in mid-orgasm while at the stall draining the snake.

Also, standing there with both hands on your hips makes it even more weird.

Is this in itself weird, or is it the combination of the moaning that sends it over the line?

:unsure:

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To Mr. Loudly Moaning While Taking a Leak Man:

Seriously dude go get yourself checked out at the urologist. Nobody should sound like they are in mid-orgasm while at the stall draining the snake.

Also, standing there with both hands on your hips makes it even more weird.

Is this in itself weird, or is it the combination of the moaning that sends it over the line?

:unsure:

Both are weird. Doing them together is pathological.

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Someone in my office keeps creating shortcuts to folders on the server in the same directory the folders are already in. It may be the astrology woman. I should get this person fired, right?On Monday the "Projects" directory looked like:

2009-102010-112011-122012-132013-14DatabasesDocumentsTemplates

Now it looks like:

2009-10↩2009-10 alias2010-11↩2010-11 alias2011-12↩2011-12 alias2012-13↩2012-13 alias2013-14↩2013-14 aliasDatabases↩Databases aliasDocuments↩Documents aliasTemplates↩Templates alias

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Dear Admin Lady that comes to work at 10am:Yes, I am leaving at 3:30pm. That doesn't make it early. I got here at 7am and already put in my 8 hours.Please, kindly go f### yourself.Much appreciated, The rest of the officeAnd she has that high pitched whiny voice and tries to sound all innocent yet inquisitive. I'm afraid one day I'm just going to punch her in the teeth and lose my job.

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Hey there Juraj, Matus, Michal, Andrej, or whatever the #### your name is...how's the weather over there in Eastern Europe? Oh, you can't complain? No, I wouldn't guess so, after taking the job of a US worker who actually had a ####### clue. I've got to hand it to you, somehow you make ends meet on 16 grand per year. But do you snicker just a little bit when people refer to you as a project manager? Say, could I ask a favor? Do you think maybe you could learn just a little bit about the job, and maybe just pretend to give a flying ####? No? Okay, don't worry, when you sign off promptly at 11:01AM EST regardless of any crises taking place, I'll be here to pick up the slack. See you tomorrow. No? It's the anniversary of the Queen's hysterectomy and the whole country is off work for the month-long festival? No problem! Drink one for me! And I ####### hate your lazy ### and I hope you ####### die! :thumbup:

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To Mr. Loudly Moaning While Taking a Leak Man:Seriously dude go get yourself checked out at the urologist. Nobody should sound like they are in mid-orgasm while at the stall draining the snake. Also, standing there with both hands on your hips makes it even more weird.

Sounds like Bald Carlos where I work. Doesn't matter, pissing or pooping, he's good for at least one "Ahhh, whooaaa, sheet, man!" a trip/

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Deb - What the hell... Dude (yes, dude's name is Deb) is in the bathroom EVERY TIME I go in there. I walk past the bathroom and he's either on his way in or way out. Never pissing, always preening. Looks in the mirror and fixes his hair or shirt collar or something. You have an arranged wife at home, what are you doing? She isn't going anywhere. :loco:

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Hey there Juraj, Matus, Michal, Andrej, or whatever the #### your name is...how's the weather over there in Eastern Europe? Oh, you can't complain? No, I wouldn't guess so, after taking the job of a US worker who actually had a ####### clue. I've got to hand it to you, somehow you make ends meet on 16 grand per year. But do you snicker just a little bit when people refer to you as a project manager? Say, could I ask a favor? Do you think maybe you could learn just a little bit about the job, and maybe just pretend to give a flying ####? No? Okay, don't worry, when you sign off promptly at 11:01AM EST regardless of any crises taking place, I'll be here to pick up the slack. See you tomorrow. No? It's the anniversary of the Queen's hysterectomy and the whole country is off work for the month-long festival? No problem! Drink one for me! And I ####### hate your lazy ### and I hope you ####### die! :thumbup:

:lmao:

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Dear Adam,You do some things really well. We have promoted you and given you a nice raise this year. You don't need to feel threatened by the 21 year old who's barely through his first month. He has some unique skills and we are going to rely on him to handle certain projects. When we are in the weekly meeting, do me a favor and let him finish two sentences before you interrupt him and start arguing with everything he says. Do you not see the rest of us rolling our eyes every time you do this? Also, why is every single time a questions is asked it takes you about 10x the amount of words to answer it than it would the average person? Can you just get to the ####### point please? And another thing, you don't need to jump into every single conversation taking place within ear shot. Couple more notes: We have a small office and it would be really cool if you could wait for everyone to get their first cup of before you fill your 52oz "Bubba" coffee tumbler leaving half the office to wait for the second pot to brew.Note 2: It would be sweet if you could wait the two ####### seconds it takes me to take the trash bag out to the dumpster, come back inside and replace the bag before you throw your box of KFC in the bagless trash can?Note 3: It's so weird making eye contact with you. Try looking away every once in a while. The death stare thing you do to everybody is strange.

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Dear "boss", please take the extra 2 seconds it would take to type a clear, understandable email as opposed to the cryptic messages you send me because you are rushing so much. Also, it will save everybody time if you actually attached documents to your email. Those hours spent between me responding to your email that there was no attachment to when you say "sorry" and actually attached it could be used getting work done. And if I reply with "you forgot to send the attachment" don't reply with "I'll re-send". That makes it seem like you did send it before and I just missed it, which isn't the case.Also, if you are asking questions about a certain project don't hit reply to an unrelated thread and and then ask the question. That makes me think you are asking the question about the thread you replied to. This causes much confusion until we finally realize you were actually asking a question about something else.Basically I'm pleading with you to take a tiny bit of extra time to stop rushing so much so the communication between us is clear. In the end you'll actually be saving time by not going back and forth with needless emails and I'll get more work done. Win-win.

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No Im not gonna change the format of the template to 3 decimal places to save you time. :rant: It took you longer to write out that whole email asking me to do so then it did to change a # from 2 to 3 decimal places in Excel.

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Note 2: It would be sweet if you could wait the two ####### seconds it takes me to take the trash bag out to the dumpster, come back inside and replace the bag before you throw your box of KFC in the bagless trash can?

:lmao:

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1) please stop putting an entire message in the subject line, then sending the email with the body blank. I know you're doing it from your phone, but you can still move to the other text box.2) We're working on 50 projects with 50 different project heads in charge. When forwarding an email requesting a change be made to one of them, please make sure the name of the project being discussed is somehow present. Right now I get emails with no reference to which one it is, and I have to dig through the entire message chain looking for clues. Often the project head making the request doesn't have his name or the project name on the original email, either (since it started as an internal chain within his own project, so obviously everyone inside knew what he was talking about), so then all I have to go by is an email address. Which means I have to go through all our employment info to find out who uses 'zenith1111@aol.com' and then figure out which project we hired him on. How about when you forward the message, write more than "please make this change," like maybe "please make this change to the Denver project." TIA.

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Note 2: It would be sweet if you could wait the two ####### seconds it takes me to take the trash bag out to the dumpster, come back inside and replace the bag before you throw your box of KFC in the bagless trash can?

:lmao:
:lmao:

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Dear Mr. President/Owner,I know you are a salesmen first, but you don't have to try and explain to me how "great" the company is doing. I'm the accountant and I know how deep in debt we are. If you really were concerned about your wife and six kids, then you'd stop buying motorcycles with company money and driving rental cars while your company car sits in your driveway.You should be a millionaire if you had even one shred of business sense, but instead you owe more than the company is worth. And, no, another loan to fix our cashflow crunch isn't the answer. Maybe you could just pay back the hundreds of thousands of dollars you took out of the company for personal expenses to live like you are a millionaire. And yes, you are going to have to work your ### off to fix things. I'm sorry, but owning a company doesn't always mean you get to work just 20 hours a week. Especially when you've ran off all of your best salesmen and pissed off most of our vendors. If you weren't paying for my school, I'd be looking for another job right now. But since I'd have to pay you back, I'm stuck for another year. Please don't take down the company with any more idiotic deals with no profit margin before I am no longer under your thumb.Thanks for your time.Your humble servant,JayrodPS - Try actually showing up to appointments on time, it does wonders for customer and vendor relations.

:lmao: :lmao: Forgot how many signs of his lunacy were in place while I worked there.

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Dear 58-year-old lead lifeguard,Where do I begin? Perhaps with the fact that you were a career lifeguard, and despite a degree you got from TCU, proceeded to do jack with your life. You were incompetent in every sense of the word, and this didn't start when you got the lead guard position. We couldn't tell you how to do anything, because you'd go off on a tirade and practically challenge the person to a fight. When you tried that with me, part of me hoped you'd take a swing, so I could see just how good your "black belt" skills were, employment consequences or not. You thought every girl working here had a crush on you, despite the fact that you could have been their grandfather, and IIRC, this idea cost you a few marriages before I had the unfortunacy to meet you. This also resulted in a few sexual harassment complaints, but you always hid behind the union, and never got fired for it.Then you became the lead guard (only at the behest of the manager's boss, whereas the manager recommended me based on my performance), and despite having little real power, you went on what can only be described as the king of all power trips, attempting to command everyone to do your bidding or face termination, which you couldn't do. You called yourself the manager whenever the real manager wasn't here, and even the most basic jobs you had to do required several walkthroughs for you, just so you could do even the most basic of tasks. You lied constantly, and when caught in it, called everyone else a liar, and pretty much made yourself the target of everyone's ire. It got so bad that there was a petition circulated to get you removed from the position, which was presented to the county's director of aquatics, who at least started an investigation, but nothing came of it.Eventually, it got a little bit better, but whenever you entered a room, those of us who didn't immediately leave just stopped talking altogether, because we didn't want to talk to you. You told us you wanted to buy property in Colorado and adopt kids when you retired, and everyone here immediately felt bad for any potential orphans you managed to ensnare. You got a CCW for a supposed security guard job, and frightened all of us further when you started reading a book on Florida gun laws at work. We're still scared that you're going to come in and try and kill all of us.But joy of all joys, you retired this past September! It was as though a dark cloud lifted, and what we used to feel whenever you called out for a myriad of stupid reasons, we now felt all the time, because we were free of you! I'm still perplexed at the sheer amount of hostility you brought out in everyone at our facility, and I remain convinced that if the Devil himself worked here, he'd get a warmer reception.Apparently now you're working a security job, making your place of employment uncomfortable and less safe, but you're no longer our problem.May your name be cursed,Kal El

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