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Nigel Tufnel

A note to my coworker ...

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Was on a regional conference call attended by a few hundred people.  Started hearing the loud "CRUUUUNCH!" of someone eating an apple. After the 3rd time, the call leader came on to remind everyone to mute their phones if they're not talking.  After the 6th time, they reminded everyone again.  After about the 10th time others started jumping on with "PLEASE MUTE YOUR PHONE IF YOU"RE EATING AN APPLE!"

About that time it was obvious the apple eater had someone enter their office to ask a question.  I thought to myself, "holy ####!, I recognize that voice!".   The look of horror on their face was priceless when I barged into their office and said, "hey, the apple-eater they're talking about is you!"  Not sure how they were that clueless to not make the connection. 

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22 hours ago, belljr said:

I work with a guy - really decent guy, a little annoying BUT he is the worst at telling stories.

I mean the worst.   I thought my wife was bad with her ramblings and taking forever to get to the point but he will tell a story that should be a minute long anecdote and turn it into 10 minutes with full dialogue.

him: So I said to the guy it's ok sit down.   He said are you sure.  I said yes.  He said thanks my foot hurts.  I said I could tell. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

All to find out the guy passed out or something

Chatty Cathy's drive me nuts. Guy I used to work with-great guy otherwise-could never get to the point. Every irrelevant extraneous detail was elaborated on. When he spoke in our staff meetings it was almost as if his eyes turned inwards and he lost all awareness of his surroundings. Meanwhile, the other 5-6 people in the meeting would be exchanging stoic glances that spoke volumes.

My wife is a gabber. All she talks about is work and she talks about it incessantly. Despite my best intentions, I can't help but just tune out while providing strategically timed "um hmm's". I just have absolutely no interest in what the daughter of a co-worker down the hall-who she hardly knows-is up to. Nor do I care that the EFX20-9 form got revised to a EFX20-8. Just a non stop barrage of work jargon that is meaningless to me.

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2 hours ago, DallasDMac said:

How long are your meetings that you can't manage to not go to the bathroom? Are y'all secretly in your 70s or something?

There are times I am working from home and may have 6-8 straight hours of meetings.

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3 minutes ago, shuke said:

There are times I am working from home and may have 6-8 straight hours of meetings.

? We don’t do meetings at my company, by design. We’ll meet with a vendor a few times per year and our insurance company for property or healthcare renewals, but no regularly scheduled meetings of staff. NFW

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On 11/17/2018 at 1:24 PM, shuke said:

There are times I am working from home and may have 6-8 straight hours of meetings.

Bane of my existence... 

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On 11/17/2018 at 12:08 PM, Ranethe said:

Chatty Cathy's drive me nuts. Guy I used to work with-great guy otherwise-could never get to the point. Every irrelevant extraneous detail was elaborated on. When he spoke in our staff meetings it was almost as if his eyes turned inwards and he lost all awareness of his surroundings. Meanwhile, the other 5-6 people in the meeting would be exchanging stoic glances that spoke volumes.

My wife is a gabber. All she talks about is work and she talks about it incessantly. Despite my best intentions, I can't help but just tune out while providing strategically timed "um hmm's". I just have absolutely no interest in what the daughter of a co-worker down the hall-who she hardly knows-is up to. Nor do I care that the EFX20-9 form got revised to a EFX20-8. Just a non stop barrage of work jargon that is meaningless to me.

I don't remember having this alias. Or you are my BiL 

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I have to admit, however, that, in an otherwise very mediocre situation of co-existence, listening to office roommate Slovakian John navigate his way through a voice activated menu at a help desk is one of the simpler pleasures of my work day.  "No! Coostomer ah-SEES-tance!" 

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On 11/15/2018 at 9:58 AM, roadkill1292 said:

Well, I just asked her about this habit and her explanation was "it saves time." She sends out a lot of emails and she also wants to make sure that her's get read, so she puts everything in the subject line. I made the remark that this just screams "AXE MURDERER" to me but she was not amused. So there's one more reason for these uptight righty women I work with to hate me.

Woman I work with sends every. single. email. as high importance.  Even if it is literally just to reply "thank you."

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On 11/15/2018 at 7:22 AM, roadkill1292 said:

I just got an email from the payroll manager with a subject line three lines long describing what she wanted me to do. The body of the email was left completely blank. How do people develop this peculiar habit?

I might start doing this to people I hate.  Brilliant.

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34 minutes ago, Thorn said:

Woman I work with sends every. single. email. as high importance.  Even if it is literally just to reply "thank you."

Turn off column that shows priority in your email client.  Small but blissful change. 

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Dear co-worker that reports to me but I'm too passive-aggressive to tell to shut up.  No one wants to hear you laughing at whatever you're listening to on your headphones.  You work in an open office environment with like 6 people within 10 feet and just cubicle walls.  You are laughing out loud and you're likely just too dumb and/or oblivious to realize it.  Or maybe you do and just don't care.  Either way, it's annoying and it makes me hate this job even more than I already do.  Thanks.

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3 hours ago, nirad3 said:

Dear co-worker that reports to me but I'm too passive-aggressive to tell to shut up.  No one wants to hear you laughing at whatever you're listening to on your headphones.  You work in an open office environment with like 6 people within 10 feet and just cubicle walls.  You are laughing out loud and you're likely just too dumb and/or oblivious to realize it.  Or maybe you do and just don't care.  Either way, it's annoying and it makes me hate this job even more than I already do.  Thanks.

Take care of it, dude. 

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14 hours ago, nirad3 said:

Dear co-worker that reports to me but I'm too passive-aggressive to tell to shut up.  No one wants to hear you laughing at whatever you're listening to on your headphones.  You work in an open office environment with like 6 people within 10 feet and just cubicle walls.  You are laughing out loud and you're likely just too dumb and/or oblivious to realize it.  Or maybe you do and just don't care.  Either way, it's annoying and it makes me hate this job even more than I already do.  Thanks.

Sack up.  Seriously.  

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16 hours ago, shuke said:

Take care of it, dude. 

 

5 hours ago, Poke_4_Life said:

Sack up.  Seriously.  

The broad's koo-koo.  Honestly it would do more harm long-term to have the conversation.  I have to let it go, unfortunately.  And whine about it here.  :D  

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On 11/17/2018 at 12:08 PM, Ranethe said:

Chatty Cathy's drive me nuts. Guy I used to work with-great guy otherwise-could never get to the point. Every irrelevant extraneous detail was elaborated on. When he spoke in our staff meetings it was almost as if his eyes turned inwards and he lost all awareness of his surroundings. Meanwhile, the other 5-6 people in the meeting would be exchanging stoic glances that spoke volumes.

My wife is a gabber. All she talks about is work and she talks about it incessantly. Despite my best intentions, I can't help but just tune out while providing strategically timed "um hmm's". I just have absolutely no interest in what the daughter of a co-worker down the hall-who she hardly knows-is up to. Nor do I care that the EFX20-9 form got revised to a EFX20-8. Just a non stop barrage of work jargon that is meaningless to me.

... you need to counter that jibberish with some of your own. Tell her how you won your fantasy matchup that week;

"... I had Andrew Luck going and he had Tom Brady ... thankfully Mixon went off this week to help counter his Travis Henry ...

... and I needed 8 points from Thomas on Monday night ... bla, bla, bla" ... I bet she'll take the hint.

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On 11/16/2018 at 12:32 PM, belljr said:

I work with a guy - really decent guy, a little annoying BUT he is the worst at telling stories.

I mean the worst.   I thought my wife was bad with her ramblings and taking forever to get to the point but he will tell a story that should be a minute long anecdote and turn it into 10 minutes with full dialogue.

him: So I said to the guy it's ok sit down.   He said are you sure.  I said yes.  He said thanks my foot hurts.  I said I could tell. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

All to find out the guy passed out or something

Is this him?

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On 12/17/2018 at 3:58 PM, nirad3 said:

Dear co-worker that reports to me but I'm too passive-aggressive to tell to shut up.  No one wants to hear you laughing at whatever you're listening to on your headphones.  You work in an open office environment with like 6 people within 10 feet and just cubicle walls.  You are laughing out loud and you're likely just too dumb and/or oblivious to realize it.  Or maybe you do and just don't care.  Either way, it's annoying and it makes me hate this job even more than I already do.  Thanks.

Is it like Robert DeNiro in cape fear? That would be kinda awesome actually. I'd probably start laughing with them.

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Dear Coworker,

Thanks for all your help and have a great holiday!

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On 11/8/2018 at 9:38 AM, Epic Problem said:

Can you please mute yourself while you're eating breakfast during the conference call?

 

TIA

Dear Remote Salesguy,

We all work from home and sometimes a dog barks or a door slams or even a kid yells/screams in the background. Totally understandable. 

But - we can hear you taking a dump on the weekly team calls sometimes. At least mute your ####### headset. 

Also - it’s fine to smoke while on the phone too but again, if it’s crazy windy outside, mute your ####### headset. 

Also - your chair squeaks horribly. We can all hear it. Please mute your ####### headset. Or buy a new chair. 

No one else seems to have these issues. 

Edited by mr roboto
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Dear associate that I have had to work with for the last 3+ weeks,

I know we have different employers, and I know you are not from this country, but you have been in this country for 25+ years.  Your rambling style of talking and changing subject haphazardly and very thick accent are a detriment to this project.  You are confusing the #### out of our customer and they have no idea what the #### to do.  Please shut the #### up and let me handle the calls, even tho you are 'in charge'.  

God Speed and Merry Christmas.  

(Before someone asks, he's from Nigeria.)

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On 11/15/2018 at 8:29 AM, Keerock said:

A guy that works for me does this too... drives me nuts. Plus the subject line is always cryptic with poor grammar and spelling.

Outlook is partly to blame since it wont let you send messages without a subject or at least without a prompt for one. The number of subject only emails i received after this "improvement" went up ten fold. 

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On 11/17/2018 at 10:17 AM, DallasDMac said:

How long are your meetings that you can't manage to not go to the bathroom? Are y'all secretly in your 70s or something?

I’m on the phone on average 7.5 hours a day. No joke. 

So yeah I use the bathroom while on calls. 

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20 hours ago, nirad3 said:

 

The broad's koo-koo.  Honestly it would do more harm long-term to have the conversation.  I have to let it go, unfortunately.  And whine about it here.  :D  

This is the wrong answer.  If you have a direct report who is being disruptive in your workplace -- even if it's unintentional -- you have to deal with it.  You don't have to be a #### about it.  Just something along the lines of "I've received some complaints about your demeanor in the office.  You might not even be aware of this, but you often laugh out loud and talk to yourself while you're listening to podcasts.  This is very distracting for the folks you share an office with.  In the future, I'm asking you to please be more mindful of your surroundings."  Done.

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On 11/15/2018 at 5:22 AM, roadkill1292 said:

I just got an email from the payroll manager with a subject line three lines long describing what she wanted me to do. The body of the email was left completely blank. How do people develop this peculiar habit?

Very obnoxious.

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We use Skype for meetings, and the organizer can mute everyone. Easily overcomes the noisy folks that either don't know they aren't on mute or are just to stupid to care.

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10 hours ago, DallasDMac said:

We use Skype for meetings, and the organizer can mute everyone. Easily overcomes the noisy folks that either don't know they aren't on mute or are just to stupid to care.

S4B let's anyone in the meeting anonymously mute others.  I have a lot of fun with that :oldunsure:

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More on Slovakian John. He is the most consistent person I've ever known. He gets to work at 7:30. He leaves at exactly five. At exactly noon he walks down to the kitchen, pulls out his packed lunch and nukes it. Then he brings it back into our shared office (I eat in the office, too :bag:), usually some kind of stew, a crunchy veggie and a crunchy fruit, washed down by water, and for 10 minutes devotes himself totally to eating it. Head down, no interruptions, no reading. I'm half afraid to talk to him during this time but maybe I'm totally misreading things because SJ really likes to talk--about certain subjects (he does not appear to notice if you are interested or not but then I have my own problems reading others' body language). 

SJ has sinus problems and coughs loudly and constantly from 8 to 10 a.m. Every day. I also suspect that Slovakian John is the mystery pooper who, sometime around 9,  renders our small men's room uninhabitable for hours. It would fit the profile to a T. 

My wife says that I have a million annoying habits, too, so there's that.

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On 12/19/2018 at 10:42 AM, mr roboto said:

I’m on the phone on average 7.5 hours a day. No joke. 

So yeah I use the bathroom while on calls. 

Good god. I haven't talked on the phone 7.5 hours over the past year. No joke

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I'm liking Slovakian John. 

also probably wouldn't be caught dead getting behind a team like Leeds.

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On 11/17/2018 at 11:48 AM, Guest said:

Was on a regional conference call attended by a few hundred people.  Started hearing the loud "CRUUUUNCH!" of someone eating an apple. After the 3rd time, the call leader came on to remind everyone to mute their phones if they're not talking.  After the 6th time, they reminded everyone again.  After about the 10th time others started jumping on with "PLEASE MUTE YOUR PHONE IF YOU"RE EATING AN APPLE!"

About that time it was obvious the apple eater had someone enter their office to ask a question.  I thought to myself, "holy ####!, I recognize that voice!".   The look of horror on their face was priceless when I barged into their office and said, "hey, the apple-eater they're talking about is you!"  Not sure how they were that clueless to not make the connection. 

For a few years we had this Italian regional vp and he would slowly heat up over the mute button. It got so bad most of us would make noises, pretend conversations, play music and he’d get so pissed that he couldn’t find out who it was. He would end up swearing and going on a rant.

really livened up the conference calls

Edited by jerry jones

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1 hour ago, El Floppo said:

I'm liking Slovakian John. 

also probably wouldn't be caught dead getting behind a team like Leeds.

:lmao: Leeds is far too messy an affair for someone as tidy as SJ. Actually, he doesn't follow sports at all. He's a skier, which gives him something to do about four times a year around here.

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2 hours ago, the moops said:

Good god. I haven't talked on the phone 7.5 hours over the past year. No joke

 Sales. I have 80 prospects in my pipeline that I’m working with right now. 

Strangely it doesn’t wear me out.

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7 minutes ago, mr roboto said:

 Sales. I have 80 prospects in my pipeline that I’m working with right now. 

Strangely it doesn’t wear me out.

How does someone get out of your pipeline?  Asking for a friend.

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28 minutes ago, Keerock said:

How does someone get out of your pipeline?  Asking for a friend.

Buy something...

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Hey Big Sam, you walk around the office always on your cell talking on speaker phone. I go into the mens room and you are in a stall taking what clearly smells like a massive dump and again your phone conversation is on speaker. Apparently the rules don't apply to you as you also park in either a visitor spot or a spot underneath that is designed for mgmt.  Seriously who the #### do you think you are?  Undoubtedly you are on the short list for biggest d bag in the building.  A few tips: take your phone off speaker as no one gives two ####s what you have to say.  Perhaps try destroying your own bathroom and try parking in the lot with the other employees you big fat lazy entitled slob. Better yet, please just leave as you just really suck. 

 

Signed

1200 of your co workers 

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On 2/15/2007 at 1:21 PM, General Malaise said:

Dear Overpaid Analyst who got us heavily short the homebuilders and has single handedly cost us a performance fee for 3 straight years because my boss refuses to acknowledge you are a dildo who is only in good favor with him because you are friends with his son -

When the markets are down and our short positions are actually working, what happens to your loud, sick, disgusting, obnoxious cough that sounds like you have Tuberculosis and has been treated by MD's for everything from Walking Pneumonia to Kennel Cough? How come you only break that bad boy out when the markets are setting new highs and your short positions are destroying any chance we might have of a solid return? Ever since September, when the markets are green and we're losing money hand over fist, you hack in dramatic fashion from 5:30am until you go home. People next to you cannot talk on the phone, hold conversations or concentrate without you interrupting them with your exaggerated, filthy, phlegm-filled cough that is further amplified by the fact that you are 6' 7" and, inexplicably, feel the need to STAND UP to have your coughing fits. You are spreading your spittle all over the place and are driving me and other coworkers insane. We IM all day long when you are coughing and talk about how we want to throw you out the window. You know why I flinch when you go in for a hi five? It's because your hand has been used as a handkerchief all day long. There have been days where I thought you were going to hack out your spleen.

And yet on the rare day we are actually making money in your positions, you are cough free? Huh. Amazing. Instead of going to a new doctor every time he fails to diagnose your coal miner's lungs, how about you pony up a trip to the head doctor and learn what we already know: your disturbing hack is all mental and if you ever gave up the ghost and got us out of the home builders, perhaps you'd make a miraculous recovery. Oh, and in the cabinet under the sink is some Lysol. Please use it.

TIA

GM

How'd this guy do in 2008?

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1 hour ago, Gawain said:

How'd this guy do in 2008?

:goodposting: I'm guessing he's the new boss. 

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