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A note to my coworker ... (4 Viewers)

Shooter McGavin said:
Dearest Electrical Engineer who can't work the copier:Congrats on being good at exactly one thing in what I imagine is your lonely, lonely life. I know it's a lot to expect that you be able to work with all that crazy ### lab equipment you have AND be able to understand the vagaries of a piece of technology that has been standard in offices for at least 20 years. I hope you get a paper cut on your unsued genitalia that gets infected and the thing falls off.Mimeographically yours,SM
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duly noted :thumbup:
 
Shooter McGavin said:
Dearest Electrical Engineer who can't work the copier:Congrats on being good at exactly one thing in what I imagine is your lonely, lonely life. I know it's a lot to expect that you be able to work with all that crazy ### lab equipment you have AND be able to understand the vagaries of a piece of technology that has been standard in offices for at least 20 years. I hope you get a paper cut on your unsued genitalia that gets infected and the thing falls off.Mimeographically yours,SM
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Shooter,Why would anyone want to sue my genitalia?Not typographically challenged,The Engineer.
 
Shooter McGavin said:
Dearest Electrical Engineer who can't work the copier:Congrats on being good at exactly one thing in what I imagine is your lonely, lonely life. I know it's a lot to expect that you be able to work with all that crazy ### lab equipment you have AND be able to understand the vagaries of a piece of technology that has been standard in offices for at least 20 years. I hope you get a paper cut on your unsued genitalia that gets infected and the thing falls off.Mimeographically yours,SM
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Dear lowly secretary, This is the eighth time that you have put toner in the dam wrong way you dim witted blond and everytime you call me to down and fix it. I always smile and act nice but deep down I wish I could pour the toner down you blouse. Remember every time I leave my job to fix your idiot problem is more time I have to spend working overtime so that I can finish my real job. I AM AN Electrical Engineer not a dam coop at your beck and call lady and I do not care that you refuse to learn to fix a simple office machine (after watching me do it for the eighth dam time). We all know you were hired for your looks and not your brains but it would be nice if your inability to solve the most simple of problem did not burden everyone else in the office.Thank you.
 
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perry147 said:
Shooter McGavin said:
Dearest Electrical Engineer who can't work the copier:Congrats on being good at exactly one thing in what I imagine is your lonely, lonely life. I know it's a lot to expect that you be able to work with all that crazy ### lab equipment you have AND be able to understand the vagaries of a piece of technology that has been standard in offices for at least 20 years. I hope you get a paper cut on your unsued genitalia that gets infected and the thing falls off.Mimeographically yours,SM
Click to expand...
Dear lowly secretary, This is the eighth time that you have put toner in the dam wrong way you dim witted blond that and everytime I come down and fix it. I always smile and act nice but deep down I wish I could pour the toner down you blouse. Remember every time leave my job to fix your idiot problem is more time I have to spend working overtime so that I can finish my real job. I AM AN Electrical Engineer not a dam coop at your beck and call lady and I do not care that you refuse to learn to fix a simple office machine (after watching me do it for the eighth dam time). We all know you where hired for your looks and not your brains but it would be nice if your inability to solve the most simple of problem did not burden everyone else in the office.Thank you.
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:( I hope that she types up any letters that you send out.
 
MelvinTScupper said:
Shooter McGavin said:
Dearest Electrical Engineer who can't work the copier:Congrats on being good at exactly one thing in what I imagine is your lonely, lonely life. I know it's a lot to expect that you be able to work with all that crazy ### lab equipment you have AND be able to understand the vagaries of a piece of technology that has been standard in offices for at least 20 years. I hope you get a paper cut on your unsued genitalia that gets infected and the thing falls off.Mimeographically yours,SM
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Shooter,Why would anyone want to sue my genitalia?Not typographically challenged,The Engineer.
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:hot: :no: :bag:
 
Dear Front Desk Security Guy That Works for Building Management:

Thanks for stopping me and making me fill out a "Permission for Object Removal" Form to deliver the 4 packages that we were mailing out.

 
Dear new-sales-PR-marketing-business-person,

No, I don't know why you can't connect to the wireless network, although I suspect it has something to do with your overall lack of intelligence.

Try Rebooting Again,

Print Is Dead

 
Dear guy who left the forest of pubes on the urinal,

Judging by the sheer volume of short and curlies left on the outer edge of the urinal bowl, there are two explanations that I can think of, and both of them are quite disturbing. Either you have a nasty case of male pattern baldness in your pants, or you're some perverse kind of Johnny Appleseed plucking the beard in your BVDs and garnishing urinals throughout the building with your pants parsley.

Scrotally yours,

SM

 
Shooter McGavin said:
Dear guy who left the forest of pubes on the urinal,Judging by the sheer volume of short and curlies left on the outer edge of the urinal bowl, there are two explanations that I can think of, and both of them are quite disturbing. Either you have a nasty case of male pattern baldness in your pants, or you're some perverse kind of Johnny Appleseed plucking the beard in your BVDs and garnishing urinals throughout the building with your pants parsley.Scrotally yours,SM
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:thumbdown: :shrug:
 
Dear Employee,

When you tell me of your lottery winnings and start laughing obnoxiously, I look into your mouth and only see two teeth. When I laugh with you, I am actually laughing at your two teeth you baby gorilla.

Yours Truly,

Lucky Sevens

 
Dear ye o little patience,

When attempting to enter on to an elevator PLEASE let the freaking people off first.

Why the bum rush when only 6 floors?

:hifive:

Regards,

The Nation

 
Dear Guy,

On your last day at the office, there's really no need to hang around, saying goodbye, soaking up the atmosphere. JUST ####ING GO ALREADY!

 
Joe T said:
Steelnation said:
Dear ye o little patience,

When attempting to enter on to an elevator PLEASE let the freaking people off first.

Why the bum rush when only 6 floors?

:hot:

Regards,

The Nation
Click to expand...
:Honda:Signed,

LAUNCH
Click to expand...
Thanks for pointing that out Joe T, your the man!Sorry I did not sift through the 8+ pages

Just happened too me at work so I shared

I will make sure there are no more :hondas: from me

:sadbanana:

 
Dear Ex-Boss,

When I first started here, we were coworkers. The guy who hired me left for greener pastures, and you were given the manager position, due to you being there longer than I. We both knew you didn't have any management experience, and that this was your first job out of college. I gave you the benefit of the doubt that you would do things right. Oh how I was wrong.

You hired someone to replace you, and then started right in on the unnecessary bull####. You created a ton of unnecessary paperwork for us that "helped" you understand what it was that we were doing all day, every day, but you still didn't have a clue as to what we did.

As time went by, things got worse. You created a department mission statement that I wanted nothing to do with, all because it mentioned nothing about "us" or "we", but "I" and "me" was littered throughout.

We got through the best we could, and dealt with your menial tasks and your "I'm the boss" replies to our questioning of why you want us to do certain things. You still didn't have a clue as to how we did things, but you faked it well to senior management.

About a year and a half before your much welcomed departure from the company, we started a project to upgrade our ERP system. One of the departments hired a temp (cute, but not worth the baggage that came with it.) You took it upon yourself to "mentor" her in how things worked in the system. You gave the temp more training than the people who actually were employees. I don't think there is a person in the company who didn't think you were screwing her on the side. Whatever respect I had for you was lost at this point. There were so many times I wanted to email your wife anonymously to clue her in. Your actions were unbelievable, both during work hours and after hours. Showing up to parties without your wife, but knowing the temp would be there. The rumors (both true and unsubstantiated) were all through the company, and only you and her were the only clueless people. Yes, I read through some of the emails you and her sent back and forth (prior to you deleting everything before you left the company.) Oh how I wanted to forward them to upper management to show them what an ### you were.

And yes, we knew you tinkered with the firewall settings so that you could surf the web, without the filters stopping you, so that you could find all the porn your little heart desired. You left a trail of internal IP addresses, all open to the internet unfiltered, because whenever DHCP changed your IP address, you had to reconfigure your settings in the firewall, and didn't clean up after yourself. It wasn't hard to tell when you were surfing some place you shouldn't have been in your office, as you always turned your laptop so that when someone stopped in your office, they wouldn't be able to see what was on your screen. All the other times, your monitor was in plain site for all to see. And it didn't help that your hands were always out of sight, and in your lap. It also stands to reason that this was the cause of all the spyware and virus problems you had with your laptop. I know I had to format it at least three times in one year due to you not being able to boot your laptop or had pop ups that automatically came up, or a browser hijacker. You weren't fooling anyone.

No one misses you here. No one really liked, despite what you might have thought. Most people laughed behind your back, as you walked through the office.

Good riddance.

Sclaffer

 
To the jammed printer unjammers,

Slamming the paper tray doors closed do not necessarily help unjam the printer, but go ahead and do it anyway, as I'm sure that door needed to be replaced soon. Things always work better when you slam the doors closed, right?

Your's in peace,

Sclaffer

 
Sclaffer said:
Dear Ex-Boss,When I first started here, we were coworkers. The guy who hired me left for greener pastures, and you were given the manager position, due to you being there longer than I. We both knew you didn't have any management experience, and that this was your first job out of college. I gave you the benefit of the doubt that you would do things right. Oh how I was wrong.You hired someone to replace you, and then started right in on the unnecessary bull####. You created a ton of unnecessary paperwork for us that "helped" you understand what it was that we were doing all day, every day, but you still didn't have a clue as to what we did.As time went by, things got worse. You created a department mission statement that I wanted nothing to do with, all because it mentioned nothing about "us" or "we", but "I" and "me" was littered throughout.We got through the best we could, and dealt with your menial tasks and your "I'm the boss" replies to our questioning of why you want us to do certain things. You still didn't have a clue as to how we did things, but you faked it well to senior management.About a year and a half before your much welcomed departure from the company, we started a project to upgrade our ERP system. One of the departments hired a temp (cute, but not worth the baggage that came with it.) You took it upon yourself to "mentor" her in how things worked in the system. You gave the temp more training than the people who actually were employees. I don't think there is a person in the company who didn't think you were screwing her on the side. Whatever respect I had for you was lost at this point. There were so many times I wanted to email your wife anonymously to clue her in. Your actions were unbelievable, both during work hours and after hours. Showing up to parties without your wife, but knowing the temp would be there. The rumors (both true and unsubstantiated) were all through the company, and only you and her were the only clueless people. Yes, I read through some of the emails you and her sent back and forth (prior to you deleting everything before you left the company.) Oh how I wanted to forward them to upper management to show them what an ### you were.And yes, we knew you tinkered with the firewall settings so that you could surf the web, without the filters stopping you, so that you could find all the porn your little heart desired. You left a trail of internal IP addresses, all open to the internet unfiltered, because whenever DHCP changed your IP address, you had to reconfigure your settings in the firewall, and didn't clean up after yourself. It wasn't hard to tell when you were surfing some place you shouldn't have been in your office, as you always turned your laptop so that when someone stopped in your office, they wouldn't be able to see what was on your screen. All the other times, your monitor was in plain site for all to see. And it didn't help that your hands were always out of sight, and in your lap. It also stands to reason that this was the cause of all the spyware and virus problems you had with your laptop. I know I had to format it at least three times in one year due to you not being able to boot your laptop or had pop ups that automatically came up, or a browser hijacker. You weren't fooling anyone.No one misses you here. No one really liked, despite what you might have thought. Most people laughed behind your back, as you walked through the office.Good riddance.Sclaffer
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That's some deep hatred. I think you need to go ahead with the anonymous emails to the Mrs.
 
dtour77 said:
Sclaffer said:
Dear Ex-Boss,When I first started here, we were coworkers. The guy who hired me left for greener pastures, and you were given the manager position, due to you being there longer than I. We both knew you didn't have any management experience, and that this was your first job out of college. I gave you the benefit of the doubt that you would do things right. Oh how I was wrong.You hired someone to replace you, and then started right in on the unnecessary bull####. You created a ton of unnecessary paperwork for us that "helped" you understand what it was that we were doing all day, every day, but you still didn't have a clue as to what we did.As time went by, things got worse. You created a department mission statement that I wanted nothing to do with, all because it mentioned nothing about "us" or "we", but "I" and "me" was littered throughout.We got through the best we could, and dealt with your menial tasks and your "I'm the boss" replies to our questioning of why you want us to do certain things. You still didn't have a clue as to how we did things, but you faked it well to senior management.About a year and a half before your much welcomed departure from the company, we started a project to upgrade our ERP system. One of the departments hired a temp (cute, but not worth the baggage that came with it.) You took it upon yourself to "mentor" her in how things worked in the system. You gave the temp more training than the people who actually were employees. I don't think there is a person in the company who didn't think you were screwing her on the side. Whatever respect I had for you was lost at this point. There were so many times I wanted to email your wife anonymously to clue her in. Your actions were unbelievable, both during work hours and after hours. Showing up to parties without your wife, but knowing the temp would be there. The rumors (both true and unsubstantiated) were all through the company, and only you and her were the only clueless people. Yes, I read through some of the emails you and her sent back and forth (prior to you deleting everything before you left the company.) Oh how I wanted to forward them to upper management to show them what an ### you were.And yes, we knew you tinkered with the firewall settings so that you could surf the web, without the filters stopping you, so that you could find all the porn your little heart desired. You left a trail of internal IP addresses, all open to the internet unfiltered, because whenever DHCP changed your IP address, you had to reconfigure your settings in the firewall, and didn't clean up after yourself. It wasn't hard to tell when you were surfing some place you shouldn't have been in your office, as you always turned your laptop so that when someone stopped in your office, they wouldn't be able to see what was on your screen. All the other times, your monitor was in plain site for all to see. And it didn't help that your hands were always out of sight, and in your lap. It also stands to reason that this was the cause of all the spyware and virus problems you had with your laptop. I know I had to format it at least three times in one year due to you not being able to boot your laptop or had pop ups that automatically came up, or a browser hijacker. You weren't fooling anyone.No one misses you here. No one really liked, despite what you might have thought. Most people laughed behind your back, as you walked through the office.Good riddance.Sclaffer
Click to expand...
That's some deep hatred. I think you need to go ahead with the anonymous emails to the Mrs.
Click to expand...
This thread has been very therapeutic in this regard. I do feel a little better.
 
Sclaffer said:
Dear Ex-Boss,When I first started here, we were coworkers. The guy who hired me left for greener pastures, and you were given the manager position, due to you being there longer than I. We both knew you didn't have any management experience, and that this was your first job out of college. I gave you the benefit of the doubt that you would do things right. Oh how I was wrong.You hired someone to replace you, and then started right in on the unnecessary bull####. You created a ton of unnecessary paperwork for us that "helped" you understand what it was that we were doing all day, every day, but you still didn't have a clue as to what we did.As time went by, things got worse. You created a department mission statement that I wanted nothing to do with, all because it mentioned nothing about "us" or "we", but "I" and "me" was littered throughout.We got through the best we could, and dealt with your menial tasks and your "I'm the boss" replies to our questioning of why you want us to do certain things. You still didn't have a clue as to how we did things, but you faked it well to senior management.About a year and a half before your much welcomed departure from the company, we started a project to upgrade our ERP system. One of the departments hired a temp (cute, but not worth the baggage that came with it.) You took it upon yourself to "mentor" her in how things worked in the system. You gave the temp more training than the people who actually were employees. I don't think there is a person in the company who didn't think you were screwing her on the side. Whatever respect I had for you was lost at this point. There were so many times I wanted to email your wife anonymously to clue her in. Your actions were unbelievable, both during work hours and after hours. Showing up to parties without your wife, but knowing the temp would be there. The rumors (both true and unsubstantiated) were all through the company, and only you and her were the only clueless people. Yes, I read through some of the emails you and her sent back and forth (prior to you deleting everything before you left the company.) Oh how I wanted to forward them to upper management to show them what an ### you were.And yes, we knew you tinkered with the firewall settings so that you could surf the web, without the filters stopping you, so that you could find all the porn your little heart desired. You left a trail of internal IP addresses, all open to the internet unfiltered, because whenever DHCP changed your IP address, you had to reconfigure your settings in the firewall, and didn't clean up after yourself. It wasn't hard to tell when you were surfing some place you shouldn't have been in your office, as you always turned your laptop so that when someone stopped in your office, they wouldn't be able to see what was on your screen. All the other times, your monitor was in plain site for all to see. And it didn't help that your hands were always out of sight, and in your lap. It also stands to reason that this was the cause of all the spyware and virus problems you had with your laptop. I know I had to format it at least three times in one year due to you not being able to boot your laptop or had pop ups that automatically came up, or a browser hijacker. You weren't fooling anyone.No one misses you here. No one really liked, despite what you might have thought. Most people laughed behind your back, as you walked through the office.Good riddance.Sclaffer
Click to expand...
damn. hands in his lap??? awesome.
 
Dear Dianne,

Kelly was offended when you offered, unsolicited, to "help out with a few eggs" if she and her husband were having trouble getting pregnant.

Best,

Alonso

 
saintfool said:
Sack-Religious said:
SeveredHorseHeads said:
The eating while dumping one was brutal. Who the hell does that?
Click to expand...
Some really gross guy in my office, apparently.
Click to expand...
him: mmmm-mmm-mm good!you: feel a couple of pounds lighter, eh?him: no, this sandwich really hits the spot!
Click to expand...
Food-ah goes eeen, ####-ah come out.
 
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Shooter McGavin said:
Dear guy who left the forest of pubes on the urinal,

Judging by the sheer volume of short and curlies left on the outer edge of the urinal bowl, there are two explanations that I can think of, and both of them are quite disturbing. Either you have a nasty case of male pattern baldness in your pants, or you're some perverse kind of Johnny Appleseed plucking the beard in your BVDs and garnishing urinals throughout the building with your pants parsley.

Scrotally yours,

SM
Click to expand...
:bag: :suds: :clap: That's going on my next valentine day card.

 
Dear Board of Directors of Local Organization,

Please stop being a spineless bunch of head nodders who all want everything yet won't actually do ####. While it is true that by never taking an actual stand on issues which you are supposed to champion you will never offend anyone, you will also disintegrate into the worthless organization which you recently were, and soon will be again.

PS - I am sorry I made some of you cry when I resigned my position. It really touched me.

 
Dear random girl in my class,

You aren't registered for this class. Please stop asking me questions out loud during the lecture.

Can't you see I'm surfing?

Yours,

Keys

 
Dear Lady who thinks the whole world is against her,

It's just a calendar to track vacation time. The CIA is not watching your every move. ####### relax.

:hey:

Shootah

 
dtour77 said:
Hey Boss, When you ask me out for a couple boilermakers on a Friday night, when I say I stopped drinking, I'm actually lying to you. I just don't want your company any longer than 40 hours.Thanks, Dave
Click to expand...
Kind of reminds me of my current boss. We have a department of about 50 people and two weeks after he takes over he fires five of them on a Thursday. Around 4 PM on the next day (Friday) he comes by and asks if anyone wants to go out for a drink. Needless to say, we all had "plans".
 
Print Is Dead said:
Dear loud-woman-in-the-office-next-to-mine,You can't possibly smell the onions on my Subway turkey sandwich through the wall between us. I don't care if you were recently pregnant, it's still not physically possible. Please stop making comments about how much my lunch stinks everyday.
Click to expand...
This reminds me of one:Hey stupid ####ers who insist on eating stinky food at their desks. Stop. Your home made re-heated #### smells disgusting. Eat in the lunchroom.
 
Dear spelling-challeged e-mailer,

"Hirer"? Seriously? I know you meant "higher", but I'm dumfounded about how the "gh" becomes an "r".

Yep, my head just essploded,

SM

 
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Dear co-worker:

I want to take this moment to thank you. You have been a huge part of my success. You come to me looking for some help and examples. I point you in the right direction and sometimes even send you the exact code you need minus a couple tweaks. Instead of sticking to the plan you decide let's try something different and "re-invent" the wheel. We're benefit software not too many ways to get "fancy". Somehow you manage to screw up the easiest tasks and a month later I end up fixing all your bugs. So thank you for being incompetent and making me look much better than I really am.

Cheers. :thumbup:

 
Dear Sniffles Mahatma:

Please, for the love of God, go the #### home when you have a cold instead of spending the entire day at your desk checking your retirement funds online while letting out constant little whimpering coughs and sniffs and sneezes. You sound like a sick ferret. Furthermore, it's a VEGGIE burger, not a WEDGIE burger, that you're stinking up the office with; stop saying "How is the MAN?" when you see someone in the men's room taking a squirt; and that thing that's in my hand that I'm holding up to my head is a telephone receiver; when it's in that position, don't come tottering over with your bobblehead going a mile a minute and ask me in your Mushmouth "hey-buh, mah-bun" how to do something you should have learned ten years ago and asking it a second time only louder won't make me get any less annoyed at you. And while you're surfing on the net, find out who karate-chopped you in the back of the head to put that horizontal crease in there.

Dear Diane the Secretary:

Stop dressing up like Pocahontas, you're not a Native American. That aroma that you smell is horse #### and it's coming from you. That big porcelain thing in your house is called a tub. Use it every once in a while, but let those two toddlers you're carrying around out of your ### first so you can fit and they can get some air. When the elevator opens, let those in the elevator out first and let those in front of you in before taking everyone out like a turquoise-and-stink-bedecked bowling ball on your way out to have a smoke. And by the way, running eight screen saver programs at the same time will slow your computer down, numbskull.

Dear Clueless One:

Yes, your girlfriend knows a lot about the program. She also bears a striking resemblace to the picture on the front of a $5 bill. Stop telling us how hot she is, mmkay?

Dear Fat Old Guy:

Please shower now and again so that we don't have to clean your foul sweat off the toilet seat.

Dear P:

You may think your #### doesn't stink but your farts give you away. And the entire building knows that you're banging the queen-bee Amway chick so stop peeking around corners while walking downtown to see if anyone is coming. This isn't second grade.

That's better.

 
bakes said:
Dear Sniffles Mahatma:

Please, for the love of God, go the #### home when you have a cold instead of spending the entire day at your desk checking your retirement funds online while letting out constant little whimpering coughs and sniffs and sneezes. You sound like a sick ferret. Furthermore, it's a VEGGIE burger, not a WEDGIE burger, that you're stinking up the office with; stop saying "How is the MAN?" when you see someone in the men's room taking a squirt; and that thing that's in my hand that I'm holding up to my head is a telephone receiver; when it's in that position, don't come tottering over with your bobblehead going a mile a minute and ask me in your Mushmouth "hey-buh, mah-bun" how to do something you should have learned ten years ago and asking it a second time only louder won't make me get any less annoyed at you. And while you're surfing on the net, find out who karate-chopped you in the back of the head to put that horizontal crease in there.

Dear Diane the Secretary:

Stop dressing up like Pocahontas, you're not a Native American. That aroma that you smell is horse #### and it's coming from you. That big porcelain thing in your house is called a tub. Use it every once in a while, but let those two toddlers you're carrying around out of your ### first so you can fit and they can get some air. When the elevator opens, let those in the elevator out first and let those in front of you in before taking everyone out like a turquoise-and-stink-bedecked bowling ball on your way out to have a smoke. And by the way, running eight screen saver programs at the same time will slow your computer down, numbskull.

Dear Clueless One:

Yes, your girlfriend knows a lot about the program. She also bears a striking resemblace to the picture on the front of a $5 bill. Stop telling us how hot she is, mmkay?

Dear Fat Old Guy:

Please shower now and again so that we don't have to clean your foul sweat off the toilet seat.

Dear P:

You may think your #### doesn't stink but your farts give you away. And the entire building knows that you're banging the queen-bee Amway chick so stop peeking around corners while walking downtown to see if anyone is coming. This isn't second grade.

That's better.
Click to expand...
oh christ.... ;) :bowtie: :banned: :own3d: best thread in the history of ever.

 
All Employees:

I have my back to the room, I'm eating, working on a crossword puzzle, I have headphones on, and you still come up and talk to me? Am I doing something wrong? Let me know.

 
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