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****Official**** depression thread

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1 hour ago, Long Ball Larry said:

anyone here had any experience with trazadone?

Many years ago (25?) It was given to me for sleep. IIRC it gave me a kind of dopey hangover. I think I read up on it and stopped taking it after I saw how addictive it could be. That was so long ago though that I could be remembering wrong. 

Wikid knows about this stuff. I would wait for his input.

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Long Ball Larry said:

anyone here had any experience with trazadone?

I have a prescription for sleep assistance.  It doesn’t help all the time, nor does it get me a lot (maybe four hours if I take 100 mg), but it’s more useful than anything else I’ve tried.  Has never given me a groggy feeling later nor do I find it addictive.  Maybe it has changed since prosopis took it, or maybe it’s just different body chemistry.

Edited by krista4
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1 hour ago, prosopis said:

Wikid knows about this stuff. I would wait for his input.

I've known several people who've used it (as the others have said, more for sleep than for maintenance) but what i do know about SSRIs (and i dont know enough) is that nobody knows enough about SSRIs & the individual. Most people are able to find one that works for them, but it can be a crapshoot. There is a wide spectrum of how each of them are metabolized by the user and whether the parts of mental processing it blocks would be useful case by case. My very general, anecdotal recommendation is that folks who have been prescribed SSRIs and find themselves somewhat but not entirely satisfied with the effect, should try a new one each year, with a full detox between (if the patient is not suicidal). My general suggestion is that people who find the brood impulse interrupted by SSRIs should then venture to understand their brooding mechanisms so they can consider using the drug as a bridge to health rather than a cure.

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Posted (edited)

How are my fellow goth kids doing?

My depression has been worse than ever the past week or two.

Currently on a low dose, low side effect SSRI (50 mg Zoloft.) Contemplating doubling the dosage.

I’m enrolled in a VA program - I have Comorbid PTSD + major depressive syndrome - called PRRC (psychosocial rehabilitation & restoration center.) We have a broad range of therapeutic modules:

• group counseling
• individual sessions
• CBT
• music therapy
• art therapy
• yoga
• socialization
• mindfulness
• anger management
• sympton management  
• CPT   
•  relationships  
• Tai Chi
• fulfillment    
• health & wellness
• treatment planning
• emotional wellness
• transitions 
et al.

The staff is amazing. Love my fellow Vets (there’s about 50 of us, 35 FT who are there everyday and the rest come 1-4 days a week.) 

Grateful to be part of PRRC. It’s helped a lot. But there are no magic bullets. It’s just a mother####er trying to manage this sometimes.

ETA: obviously, everything is done by Zoom meetings atm

Edited by BobbyLayne
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even though I've been *ok* generally, I've been feeling it too... having the tell-tale feet stuck in sand feelings and procrastination/paralysis over some small things I need to take care of.

no work and no real prospect of work for the future... scares the #### out of me, but is somewhat out of my control. and I'm doing my best to take control of what I can. 

blew up at the family two nights ago... which was actually needed on my part. long simmering issues that were getting worse (how the wife was treating me spilling over to how the kids were starting to treat me) and needed to be dealt with.

glad to hear gb BL is getting help and has that support structure. with the job gone, my new insurance is gone (I only had it for 3 months) and I'm back to being on ACA/medicare. would love to get some talk therapy... but not sure if it's covered and ow that would work these days.

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21 minutes ago, BobbyLayne said:

How are my fellow goth kids doing?

My depression has been worse than ever the past week or two.

Currently on a low dose, low side effect SSRI (50 mg Zoloft.) Contemplating doubling the dosage.

I’m enrolled in a VA program - I have Comorbid PTSD + major depressive syndrome - called PRRC (psychosocial rehabilitation & restoration center.) We have a broad range of therapeutic modules:

• group counseling
• individual sessions
• CBT
• music therapy
• art therapy
• yoga
• socialization
• mindfulness
• anger management
• sympton management  
• CPT   
•  relationships  
• Tai Chi
• fulfillment    
• health & wellness
• treatment planning
• emotional wellness
• transitions 
et al.

The staff is amazing. Love my fellow Vets (there’s about 50 of us, 35 FT who are there everyday and the rest come 1-4 days a week.) 

Grateful to be part of PRRC. It’s helped a lot. But there are no magic bullets. It’s just a mother####er trying to manage this sometimes.

ETA: obviously, everything is done by Zoom meetings atm

are you in the city or out on Shelter?

i love the #### out of Tai Chi. started doing it (Tai Chi Chih) on my own 15 years ago and have incorporated its movements (esp leading w my dantian, a great boon to balance & movement in elders) into all my daily routines. it's my quickest way to get "back to base, Joe".

SSRIs are all in how one metabolizes them. there's a LOT of em out there and many developed since Zoloft w a great variety of properties, so i recommend those unhappy with theirs to switch annually  (pref w full detox, tho a bad idea if one's lows are really low) til one clicks.

GL, GB

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2 minutes ago, wikkidpissah said:

are you in the city or out on Shelter?

i love the #### out of Tai Chi. started doing it (Tai Chi Chih) on my own 15 years ago and have incorporated its movements (esp leading w my dantian, a great boon to balance & movement in elders) into all my daily routines. it's my quickest way to get "back to base, Joe".

SSRIs are all in how one metabolizes them. there's a LOT of em out there and many developed since Zoloft w a great variety of properties, so i recommend those unhappy with theirs to switch annually  (pref w full detox, tho a bad idea if one's lows are really low) til one clicks.

GL, GB

Both - alternate between Brooklyn during the week and East End Friday night to Monday morning. Although this weekend I went out late because I was volunteering at a food shelter in the East Village.

My Zoloft Rx seemed to be working really well for a good 3 to 4 months. But it’s been really hard lately to keep myself from sinking deeper.

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24 minutes ago, El Floppo said:

even though I've been *ok* generally, I've been feeling it too... having the tell-tale feet stuck in sand feelings and procrastination/paralysis over some small things I need to take care of.

no work and no real prospect of work for the future... scares the #### out of me, but is somewhat out of my control. and I'm doing my best to take control of what I can. 

blew up at the family two nights ago... which was actually needed on my part. long simmering issues that were getting worse (how the wife was treating me spilling over to how the kids were starting to treat me) and needed to be dealt with.

glad to hear gb BL is getting help and has that support structure. with the job gone, my new insurance is gone (I only had it for 3 months) and I'm back to being on ACA/medicare. would love to get some talk therapy... but not sure if it's covered and ow that would work these days.

Dig around, there are def low cost / no cost options out there. We have a mental health team at church, I can ask what they use for referrals. We don’t have counselors but we refer people to resources based on their pecuniary situation.

I see a licensed social worker at the VA, and an overpriced psychologist in the city (with my daughter - trying to un-#### what her momma did to alienate her from me.) I also have a drug dealer through the VA; not a euphemism, my psychiatrist has virtually no role in my treatment or pharmacological recommendations. Not kidding - dude will just list 3-4 options and ask me what I want & in what dosage.

IDK, since I don’t have a wall full of degrees, maybe you could suggest something? I appreciate the empowerment but I’m already overly reliant on the innerwebs.

Anyway, four dollars a pound. No cost and no co-pays for any of the treatments or the SSRI from the VA. The private doc is 90% covered by insurance. It ain’t cheap trying to get right, that’s for sure.

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8 minutes ago, BobbyLayne said:

Dig around, there are def low cost / no cost options out there. We have a mental health team at church, I can ask what they use for referrals. We don’t have counselors but we refer people to resources based on their pecuniary situation.

I see a licensed social worker at the VA, and an overpriced psychologist in the city (with my daughter - trying to un-#### what her momma did to alienate her from me.) I also have a drug dealer through the VA; not a euphemism, my psychiatrist has virtually no role in my treatment or pharmacological recommendations. Not kidding - dude will just list 3-4 options and ask me what I want & in what dosage.

IDK, since I don’t have a wall full of degrees, maybe you could suggest something? I appreciate the empowerment but I’m already overly reliant on the innerwebs.

Anyway, four dollars a pound. No cost and no co-pays for any of the treatments or the SSRI from the VA. The private doc is 90% covered by insurance. It ain’t cheap trying to get right, that’s for sure.

thanks, gb.

fwiw- when I did take anti-depressants, my shrink gave me a scrip for a different doc who prescribed the pills. I think this is common. less common was that his name was "the chief" and used a beeper out of his oldsmobile 98 to deliver the goods. or maybe I'm having flashbacks to college.

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13 minutes ago, BobbyLayne said:

Both - alternate between Brooklyn during the week and East End Friday night to Monday morning. Although this weekend I went out late because I was volunteering at a food shelter in the East Village.

My Zoloft Rx seemed to be working really well for a good 3 to 4 months. But it’s been really hard lately to keep myself from sinking deeper.

i hesitate to advise further without knowing the T in your diagnosis. i have helped some folks take their insidious mechanisms, crossed wires and grooved neural pathways less personally to some effect and offer to chat around that on PM with any and all FFAppers who believe it might be useful. free & confidential - i'm working on an owner's manual to human personality, so helping others helps me. no initials behind my name - a decade of linework in psych programs and lifelong interest & last 20 yrs of study upon what makes us tick is my clinical background.

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2 minutes ago, wikkidpissah said:

i hesitate to advise further without knowing the T in your diagnosis. i have helped some folks take their insidious mechanisms, crossed wires and grooved neural pathways less personally to some effect and offer to chat around that on PM with any and all FFAppers who believe it might be useful. free & confidential - i'm working on an owner's manual to human personality, so helping others helps me. no initials behind my name - a decade of linework in psych programs and lifelong interest & last 20 yrs of study upon what makes us tick is my clinical background.

So...yes to peyote then?

:lol:

Love ya brother

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Just now, BobbyLayne said:

So...yes to peyote then?

 

  Reveal hidden contents

:lol:

Love ya brother

I'll send you my comedy album "The Buttoned-Up Mind of wikkipissah".

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Yeah I am fighting the good fight but I am sliding down hill and gaining speed. It's not that I am going to eat a bullet or hang myself . I don't think anyway :shrug: It's more that I just don't care if something happened to me and I died. I would actually be fine with it, I think. I am the guy who would probably try to stop a robbery as either result would be fine with me. I could be the hero or I could get killed. Either outcome would be fine with me and that's not a good feeling. I feel the same about this Covid stuff. I would not mind catching it. I either get antibodies and I am good or I die. Both outcomes are just fine with me.

It is just a constant struggle and I am getting tired.

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4 hours ago, prosopis said:

Yeah I am fighting the good fight but I am sliding down hill and gaining speed. ...It's more that I just don't care if something happened to me and I died. I would actually be fine with it, I think....

...It is just a constant struggle and I am getting tired.

I know on a cerebral level that my family would be really hurt if I was gone; feeling it can too often be my missing link. Motivation and the meaning of life have always escaped me. When i start feeding into these issues too much I always see myself as Sigmund in ''What About Bob'. Doesn't help me more than a smile but the process is persistent.

I'm certain you'll get on top of this soon, gb. One foot, yada yada. Please keep us updated and taking the best care possible.

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I think especially now and you have time, get involved with helping others. Sense of purpose is important. All these people volunteering to give bags of food for people in their cars lined up for miles. How grateful are those people to the volunteers who are trying to help. For me I have 0 sewing skills and I'm not spending on disposable masks. Then came an email from my cancer center asking if I need cotton masks, free. I was looking online for cotton masks and the cheapest was $10 for 1. A group of volunteers are sewing masks for us vulnerable people,  and they brought it to my door! You hear about workers at GM and Ford who were happy to be called back to make ventilators. The pride they feel. One guy was due to retire but loves that he didn't. Giving of time, of kind words and compassion is great medicine. Best to all of you. 

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Posted (edited)
6 hours ago, prosopis said:

Yeah I am fighting the good fight but I am sliding down hill and gaining speed. It's not that I am going to eat a bullet or hang myself . I don't think anyway :shrug: It's more that I just don't care if something happened to me and I died. I would actually be fine with it, I think. I am the guy who would probably try to stop a robbery as either result would be fine with me. I could be the hero or I could get killed. Either outcome would be fine with me and that's not a good feeling. I feel the same about this Covid stuff. I would not mind catching it. I either get antibodies and I am good or I die. Both outcomes are just fine with me.

It is just a constant struggle and I am getting tired.

Appreciate you sharing.

Feeling down doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful or bad at being happy. When it’s rough....be kind to yourself.

Apathy has been my pal of mine for a long time. I get where youre at, but tbh, I can’t help you much. I don’t know you well enough, I don’t want to marginalize your story by pretending I already know it.

But I do want to encourage you to just keep battling. Nothing lasts forever. When you’re in the darkness it sure as #### feels like it will, though. But keep fighting.

You never know when you’re gonna find a reason to believe.

Speed is not nearly as important as direction. Keep it moving, forward. Baby steps are fine. Two back before you go three forward, nbd.

We’re all different, we have had different experiences, we view life through the lens of what we know. But we also have so much in common - everyone reading this thread.

There’s no one thing that is a difference maker. But find a way forward. No matter how insignificant, start stacking up Ws. Even if it’s making your bed, or returning that text/call you e been avoiding, or just taking a damn shower and changing your underwear.

Do one thing tomorrow to remind yourself you’re worth it.

peace y’all

Edited by BobbyLayne
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I appreciate all of you sharing your struggles. Wish I had some words of wisdom, but it makes me feel better just knowing other people are dealing with this stuff and willing to share. I am doing ok, March thru April is a murderer's row of dates. The 4th anniversary of my kid dying, my wife's 40th birthday, my 11th anniversary (today), the 1 year anniversary of my wife passing, my kid's 20th birthday.

Most days, I am ok. Others, I feel like prosopis- hard to give a ####. The only thing I care about is my kid. And, most days, I worry I'm failing him. And the worry of that sinks me in quicksand. I find I feel better if I stay active and engaged, but it's hard to do during quarantine. I need to find someplace to volunteer, or something.

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i have deleted several responses.  don't want to say the wrong thing or anything to be misinterpreted.

just to try to stay strong everyone and know you are not the only ones going through this stuff and things can change.

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9 minutes ago, Long Ball Larry said:

i have deleted several responses.  don't want to say the wrong thing or anything to be misinterpreted.

just to try to stay strong everyone and know you are not the only ones going through this stuff and things can change.

Its actually super helpful to most of us to know that.

In my church I have met pastors and c-level business executives like me who have major or severe depression. You can still be high functioning while on meds.

For me - and I’m gonna preface this by saying everyone is different - a big step was just being able to say I have mental illness. Find a softer term if that makes you flinch.

Larger point is it was liberating to be able to say to myself:

“you’re not going to find a cure. this isn’t seasonal affect disorder, this isn’t episodic depression, your PTSD isn’t the same as someone who had a singular traumatic event.

you have been living with untreated, undiagnosed mental illness for a long time, probably decades. it’s freaking amazing you accomplished what you did.

instead of setting up an unrealistic objective, make the goal you want to effectively manage your illness. that is achievable.”

HTH someone

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Went Zoom free Tuesday (between church and the VA I must do 35 a week.) Just spent the day catching up on a couple classes that were suspended by the pandemic (social work class that’s helping me be a better supervisor at the food pantry & a New Testament survey.)

Yesterday I went to Mindfulness for 30 minutes & did group therapy for an hour. Then skipped out on the rest of the day. Typically my VA program, PRRC, has 4-5 sessions available per day.

Anyway, just trying to disrupt patterns/habits while giving myself some time alone to decompress & recharge. If that makes sense. I’ve been struggling the last few weeks, just trying to not be apathetic.

Also burned a lot more calories the last few days pushing myself a little harder in workouts. And watched a bunch of Julie Nolke videos (:lol: thanks @pollardsvision )

In a better frame of mind this morning. One day at a time.

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Posted (edited)

My son was suffering from really bad OCD over a year ago.  While western doctors were prescribing a kids form of Prozac and CBT therapy,  we found an alternative doctor who went a completely different direction and CURED it.   I’m still shocked to this day.  
 

Long story, short.   The alt doctor told us our son has high levels of metals and mercury in his system that he is sensitive to. He named off numerous ways a child could be exposed to them as well.   He then said our son’s OCD will go away and never come back unless he’s re-exposed to the heavy metals and mercury again. 
 

We thought we had nothing to lose so we went ahead and started treatment.  The doctor put him on a natural chelation therapy and within 5 months,  the OCD he’s had for years was gone.  Not only that,   the Tourette’s syndrome he’s had since he was a baby is now gone as well.  
 

The reason I bring it up in this thread is because I used to suffer from gnarly depression around the holidays and through the winter.  Watching my son’s massive improvement,  I asked the doc if it would work for my depression and he said it would definitely help it.  So I started taking some of the stuff my son was around last July.  The holidays came and went.  It was the easiest Winter season I’ve had in almost a decade.  
 

I went from a total skeptic to a massive believer.  You guys might want to look into chelation therapy or have your blood checked for high levels of metals/mercury.    It seems like some people are more sensitive to them than others. 
 

Good luck. 

Edited by One
Grammar.
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3 minutes ago, One said:

My son was suffering from really bad OCD over a year ago.  While western doctors were prescribing a kids form of Prozac and CBT therapy,  we found an alternative doctor who went a completely different direction and CURED it.   I’m still shocked to this day.  
 

Long story, short.   The alt doctor told us our son has high levels of metals and mercury in his system that he is sensitive to. He named off numerous ways a child could be exposed to them as well.   He then said our son’s OCD will go away and never come back unless he’s re-exposed to the heavy metals and mercury again. 
 

We thought we had nothing to lose so we went ahead and started treatment.  The doctor put him on a natural chelation therapy and within 5 months,  the OCD he’s had for years was gone.  Not only that,   the Tourette’s syndrome he’s had since he was a baby is now gone as well.  
 

The reason I bring it up in this thread is because I used to suffer from gnarly depression around the holidays and through the winter.  Watching my son’s massive improvement,  I asked the doc of it would work for my depression and he said it would definitely help it.  So I decided I would start taking some of the stuff my son was around last July.  The holidays came and went.  It was the easiest Winter season I’ve had in almost a decade.  
 

I went from a totally skeptic to a massive believer.  You guys might want to look into chelation therapy or have your blood checked for high levels of metals/mercury.    It seems like some people are more sensitive to them than others. 
 

Good luck. 

Do you have the recipe?

A while back I had a friend tell me that B12 supplement was shown to help depression. I started it and I feel it did help. Kind of going through a rough patch now but I do believe the combination of B12 and guidance has helped.

I have heard others talk about the heavy metals in our systems and I know some who had fillings removed and were different people after. I would be open to trying it.

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7 minutes ago, One said:

My son was suffering from really bad OCD over a year ago.  While western doctors were prescribing a kids form of Prozac and CBT therapy,  we found an alternative doctor who went a completely different direction and CURED it.   I’m still shocked to this day.  
 

Long story, short.   The alt doctor told us our son has high levels of metals and mercury in his system that he is sensitive to. He named off numerous ways a child could be exposed to them as well.   He then said our son’s OCD will go away and never come back unless he’s re-exposed to the heavy metals and mercury again. 
 

We thought we had nothing to lose so we went ahead and started treatment.  The doctor put him on a natural chelation therapy and within 5 months,  the OCD he’s had for years was gone.  Not only that,   the Tourette’s syndrome he’s had since he was a baby is now gone as well.  
 

The reason I bring it up in this thread is because I used to suffer from gnarly depression around the holidays and through the winter.  Watching my son’s massive improvement,  I asked the doc of it would work for my depression and he said it would definitely help it.  So I decided I would start taking some of the stuff my son was around last July.  The holidays came and went.  It was the easiest Winter season I’ve had in almost a decade.  
 

I went from a totally skeptic to a massive believer.  You guys might want to look into chelation therapy or have your blood checked for high levels of metals/mercury.    It seems like some people are more sensitive to them than others. 
 

Good luck. 

Thanks for sharing.    Are high levels of metals/mercury not something they normally test for when getting blood work done with a yearly physical?

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1 hour ago, NutterButter said:

Thanks for sharing.    Are high levels of metals/mercury not something they normally test for when getting blood work done with a yearly physical?

No problem.   I’m not sure about metals testing.  

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first mental health medical paper i ever read, maybe 40 years ago now, was about the relation of copper toxicity (from old city plumbing) to schizophrenia in Rockland County, New York. the schizoid rate was 5 times higher than anywhere else, somebody at Rockland County Hospital nailed down the connection (the reason it was America's first state hospital to become a research facility), treated it with zinc, got the county to deal with their antiquated plumbing and brought case rates back to normal limits. so this is not without precedent

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Posted (edited)

Depression is a mother####er.

I’ve been all over the place over the past month. Was starting to slide, thought I had self-corrected, then had several consecutive hard days. Last Friday when I had my 1-on-1 Zoom with my therapist I sat there at a 45 degree angle giving monosyllabic answers. After about 40 minutes (one hour session) I just gave up. “Let’s wrap it up, we keeping the same time for next Friday?” That has never happened.

Per usual on Saturday I served at the East Village food pantry that I’ve been going to for many years. The Father’s Heart has been a lifeline to me during the pandemic. I love the people I serve alongside and the consistency has helped build stronger connections with guests. I wish I could find a way to make my passion my livelihood.

Sunday was better. Spring weather helps.

Been a battle the last few days. Had a really good group session Monday morning (outpatient program through the VA.) One of guys, we’ll call him K.C. (not his real name), is a trip. He’s about 6’5”, around 225, former boxer, did a tour in Vietnam. Sweet guy, but on bad days he is scary. lol Literally. 

Dude started walking this winter because he was pushing 230-235. After a few months, he started running again. A few weeks ago he went to his storage unit & dug out his Cannondale. He lives in Jersey & he’s been taking the bridge to Staten Island, putting in 20, 30 mile days. On days he runs, 3 to 5 miles. Not bad for a 67 year old. He’s down to 212, and the effect on his outlook has been amazing.

I’ve been getting fatter every week. I need to start moving more. Way too much apathy and inertia. I know what I need to do. For me, it’s not any one thing, it’s doing 6/8/10 things concurrently, but I’ve been really struggling to get back into it the last few weeks.

Grateful to have people like K.C. in my life to inspire me & kick me in the ### when I get up in my feelings too much.

Edited by BobbyLayne
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Thanks for posting, BL. And glad to hear you're catching this in real time, rather than after the decline takes you deeper.

It's been a real struggle the last couple weeks, mostly related to career...regrets and shoulda/couldas waking me and keeping me up at nights and leading me to anxious darker places about the rest of my life.

Running has been helpful. This community too. Simply going to the beach with BIL and his kids (reopened down here in OC, MD) and having a "normal" day with others was bigger than I expected. But it's a struggle, and I have to work hard to maintain vigilance about further sliding and paralysis.

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1 hour ago, BobbyLayne said:

Depression is a mother####er.

I’ve been all over the place over the past month. Was starting to slide, thought I had self-corrected, then had several consecutive hard days. Last Friday when I had my 1-on-1 Zoom with my therapist I sat there at a 45 degree angle giving monosyllabic answers. After about 40 minutes (one hour session) I just gave up. “Let’s wrap it up, we keeping the same time for next Friday?” That has never happened.

Per usual on Saturday I served at the East Village food pantry that I’ve been going to for many years. The Father’s Heart has been a lifeline to me during the pandemic. I love the people I serve alongside and the consistency has helped build stronger connections with guests. I wish I could find a way to make my passion my livelihood.

Sunday was better. Spring weather helps.

Been a battle the last few days. Had a really good group session Monday morning (outpatient program through the VA.) One of guys, we’ll call him K.C. (not his real name), is a trip. He’s about 6’5”, around 225, former boxer, did a tour in Vietnam. Sweet guy, but on bad days he is scary. lol Literally. 

Dude started walking this winter because he was pushing 230-235. After a few months, he started running again. A few weeks ago he went to his storage unit & dug out his Cannondale. He lives in Jersey & he’s been taking the bridge to Staten Island, putting in 20, 30 mile days. On days he runs, 3 to 5 miles. Not bad for a 67 year old. He’s down to 212, and the effect on his outlook has been amazing.

I’ve been getting fatter every week. I need to start moving more. Way too much apathy and inertia. I know what I need to do. For me, it’s not any one thing, it’s doing 6/8/10 things concurrently, but I’ve been really struggling to get back into it the last few weeks.

Grateful to have people like K.C. in my life to inspire me & kick me in the ### when I get up in my feelings too much.

maybe just focus on one thing each day?  Like just walk for 30-60 minutes each day?  Just focus on one thing at a time.  I know it's really hard and especially for someone with your presumed intelligence, but i've come to think that that's all that it can be about.  Each thing, by itself, for itself.  do the one thing and whatever else happens happens.  No blame, no guilt, no shame for not dealing with any of the other things.  Just in the moment, do the thing and focus on one thing at a time.

surely this is easier said than done because we all have responsibilities and things that we have to do, but to whatever extent you can just get them out of your mind, do it.  it's so simplistic, but just one thing at a time.

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That’s really good @Long Ball Larry

I actually start my day with a Mindfulness class every morning. You’d think that would make me aware but noooooooooo. :lol:

Maybe I just needed to hear it said a different way.

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6 minutes ago, BobbyLayne said:

That’s really good @Long Ball Larry

I actually start my day with a Mindfulness class every morning. You’d think that would make me aware but noooooooooo. :lol:

Maybe I just needed to hear it said a different way.

That's where fantasy sports came in for me. Since my every day begins with wiping the hole i came out of, i really need a focuser when i hit the comp. A half-hour of lineups, adjustments, the whole rhythm of balancing seasons in three sports and recognition that it is precisely nonsense for nonsense's sake is just the thing. The FFA drafts do some of it, but i actually spend some of the creative stuff i should save for my work on that. Everything about one's personality has something to do with care & maintenance of one's neural groovework - that's the real mindfulness.

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35 minutes ago, BobbyLayne said:

That’s really good @Long Ball Larry

I actually start my day with a Mindfulness class every morning. You’d think that would make me aware but noooooooooo. :lol:

Maybe I just needed to hear it said a different way.

I assume that this is online?  I think you have linked it somewhere, but what class is it?

I'm sure you know, but there is no quick fix with this.  Unfortunately, it's not the kind of thing that you learn in an accretive way (at least IMO), but it's more like  moving a glacier or turning a giant ship.  For me it was kind of like I had this place to get to somewhere off in the distance that I didn't even know about and I was on this path and I was trying to just ram this ship through choppy waters, storms, darkness, wind, whatever,  but i "knew" the path, so let's just keep pushing through.  Meditation kind of let me figure out how to just gently turn that ship to a new course, and maybe not worry so much about the destination.  Just accept the conditions, don't fight against them, and then subtly find a calmer channel (is that right?  i don't know boating, so totally makes sense that i use this metaphor...) and slip into that and try to flow with the current.  and then after a while of just doing that, you get more of a feeling with the pattern of the water and you know how to go with it and use it to get where you want to go.  

i don't know, something like that.

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13 minutes ago, Long Ball Larry said:

I assume that this is online?  I think you have linked it somewhere, but what class is it?

Through the VA, I attend an outpatient program weekdays. Using Zoom and expect to be online only through the end of the calendar year.

Shared a little about it upthread.

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working out and eating right are pretty amazing - I have been having a rough time as well, but both of those have helped. Hang in there all and thanks for sharing. 

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My wife has moved into the spare bedroom, has retained a lawyer, and is giving me until the end of July to see if she will consider reconciliation. If she doesn't, I have offered to move out.

All over my house are family photos. Smiling faces of happy people. How did it get to this point? I have made my share of mistakes, but I had no idea she was as unhappy as she now says she is. I've been devouring self-help/repair marriage books. I am working on myself, seeing a therapist, pushing my boundries and taking risks to pursue personal growth. I am determined to either reconcile, or come out of this a better person that can be at peace with trying my best.

But the pain still comes in waves. I think I'm mentally strong in one moment, then nearly collapse to my knees the next. This depression is threatening to cripple me.

Just venting. Thanks. 

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38 minutes ago, Socrates11 said:

My wife has moved into the spare bedroom, has retained a lawyer, and is giving me until the end of July to see if she will consider reconciliation. If she doesn't, I have offered to move out.

All over my house are family photos. Smiling faces of happy people. How did it get to this point? I have made my share of mistakes, but I had no idea she was as unhappy as she now says she is. I've been devouring self-help/repair marriage books. I am working on myself, seeing a therapist, pushing my boundries and taking risks to pursue personal growth. I am determined to either reconcile, or come out of this a better person that can be at peace with trying my best.

But the pain still comes in waves. I think I'm mentally strong in one moment, then nearly collapse to my knees the next. This depression is threatening to cripple me.

Just venting. Thanks. 

sorry man

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51 minutes ago, Socrates11 said:

My wife has moved into the spare bedroom, has retained a lawyer, and is giving me until the end of July to see if she will consider reconciliation. If she doesn't, I have offered to move out.

All over my house are family photos. Smiling faces of happy people. How did it get to this point? I have made my share of mistakes, but I had no idea she was as unhappy as she now says she is. I've been devouring self-help/repair marriage books. I am working on myself, seeing a therapist, pushing my boundries and taking risks to pursue personal growth. I am determined to either reconcile, or come out of this a better person that can be at peace with trying my best.

But the pain still comes in waves. I think I'm mentally strong in one moment, then nearly collapse to my knees the next. This depression is threatening to cripple me.

Just venting. Thanks. 

Love you brother.  Most certainly sounds like you are doing all the right things.  Take care.

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That is rough. Sorry to hear it. It will get better. One day and one step at a time. You are doing all the right things. BOL. 

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On 5/19/2020 at 1:20 PM, Socrates11 said:

My wife has moved into the spare bedroom, has retained a lawyer, and is giving me until the end of July to see if she will consider reconciliation. If she doesn't, I have offered to move out.

All over my house are family photos. Smiling faces of happy people. How did it get to this point? I have made my share of mistakes, but I had no idea she was as unhappy as she now says she is. I've been devouring self-help/repair marriage books. I am working on myself, seeing a therapist, pushing my boundries and taking risks to pursue personal growth. I am determined to either reconcile, or come out of this a better person that can be at peace with trying my best.

But the pain still comes in waves. I think I'm mentally strong in one moment, then nearly collapse to my knees the next. This depression is threatening to cripple me.

Just venting. Thanks. 

Sorry

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I have never been a go to the doctor guy but I decided maybe I should see someone. I went to a new pcp and I was bluntly honest. I was offered meds but said I wanted a referral to a specialist before trying any meds. I was honest in saying I am not a fan of meds. I was told I would get a referral. Kind of sorry I went as it felt really humiliating and now I think I may have been to honest as I can see what the doctor wrote in my records with this new on line patient portal stuff. I am pretty much marked down as a psycho. I was also given one of these business cards with phone number to call if I decide to hang myself.  

I will wait and see if I really get a referral. I feel like these days you need to be pretty proactive with your healthcare if you really want something done. I will leave this up to fate. If I get a referral I will go if a referral does not show up I will drop it. I will not be proactive to get a referral.

I do think there may be a benefit to me seeing a psychiatrist so kind of hoping I get the referral.

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Posted (edited)
29 minutes ago, prosopis said:

I have never been a go to the doctor guy but I decided maybe I should see someone. I went to a new pcp and I was bluntly honest. I was offered meds but said I wanted a referral to a specialist before trying any meds. I was honest in saying I am not a fan of meds. I was told I would get a referral. Kind of sorry I went as it felt really humiliating and now I think I may have been to honest as I can see what the doctor wrote in my records with this new on line patient portal stuff. I am pretty much marked down as a psycho. I was also given one of these business cards with phone number to call if I decide to hang myself.  

I will wait and see if I really get a referral. I feel like these days you need to be pretty proactive with your healthcare if you really want something done. I will leave this up to fate. If I get a referral I will go if a referral does not show up I will drop it. I will not be proactive to get a referral.

I do think there may be a benefit to me seeing a psychiatrist so kind of hoping I get the referral.

It’s infuriating that our health care system is an impediment to getting the care you need.

Anyway...I was leary if going on meds. No interest in better living through chemistry. But I was also open minded about the possibility. I spent a good month or two researching it, and “interviewed” three friends on SSRIs. One is a close friend who is phenomenally talented singer-songwriter, one is a peer (fellow CPA and VP of Accounting at their firm), and a Pastor I’m acquainted with. They weren’t great comps because everyone is a slight twist of your own, but at least I felt like ai was making an informed choice.

My musician friend has disorders which are worse than my own. Their meds are really strong, significant side effects. But 8 months on, they’re back in the studio, writing/recording songs, just competed a video shoot.

My accountant friend is able to function at a high level. We have the same script, same low level dosage. Gave me confidence to know I could manage my mental illness. It was liberating to stop wondering when I would be “cured.” I don’t need to be perfect. I just needed to be a better version of myself.

Talking with the Pastor helped a lot because it made me realize it’s NBD to get the help you need. In another kind of church he might have been shunned or thought of as being weak. Thankfully our church takes a strong mental health advocacy & awareness stance.

Took about 5-6 weeks for the serotonin to build up. It’s not a cure all, as I have said before, I need to be focused on a half dozen factors: diet, exercise, group therapy, hydration, meditation, music, one-on-one therapy, proper rest. But it’s helped me immensely to be on an SSRI.

GL GB

P.S. Ain’t no shame in your game, man. #### the stigmata (Sopranos reference.) You are doing the needful. Don’t waste calories on what anyone else thinks, that’s their problem. Proud of you for taking this step.

Edited by BobbyLayne

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40 minutes ago, prosopis said:

I have never been a go to the doctor guy but I decided maybe I should see someone. I went to a new pcp and I was bluntly honest. I was offered meds but said I wanted a referral to a specialist before trying any meds. I was honest in saying I am not a fan of meds. I was told I would get a referral. Kind of sorry I went as it felt really humiliating and now I think I may have been to honest as I can see what the doctor wrote in my records with this new on line patient portal stuff. I am pretty much marked down as a psycho. I was also given one of these business cards with phone number to call if I decide to hang myself.  

I will wait and see if I really get a referral. I feel like these days you need to be pretty proactive with your healthcare if you really want something done. I will leave this up to fate. If I get a referral I will go if a referral does not show up I will drop it. I will not be proactive to get a referral.

I do think there may be a benefit to me seeing a psychiatrist so kind of hoping I get the referral.

Totally get it, but I have to say that as someone who was anti meds for years and years and years, I really do wish that I had done it sooner.

i agree that the mental health system is a challenge to navigate.  But don’t be discouraged.  Do what needs to be done to love your best life.  Again, I am saying this as someone who has been in the situation of #### it all and it’s too much, too annoying, too embarrassing, too whatever to deal with.  I’ve been there.  It can be better.

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Posted (edited)

No book is a chapter,    
no chapter tells the whole story,   
no mistake defines who we are.

Your story isn’t finished.

Hope makes our lives page turners.

Edited by BobbyLayne
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Posted (edited)
12 hours ago, Long Ball Larry said:

Totally get it, but I have to say that as someone who was anti meds for years and years and years, I really do wish that I had done it sooner.

 

This, at least for me. I did not want meds for years and always managed to find ways to cope. A few years ago I hit the bottom so hard due to some life circumstances that I knew I needed the help. The one thing that stuck with me was when I was asked if I got a certificate for years of struggling without the meds by my doc?  I have gone off of meds ( and then back on and on to something different) - just a low dose but it helps me tremendously.   I have always been one to resist meds, even pain meds as I don't want to mask stuff and want to know and feel what is going on. I had to give myself permission to admit it to myself and others that I wasn't infallible and needed the help. I wish I had done it sooner.   Just one perspective that I hope helps.  

Edited by Angry Beavers
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Thoughts on Lexapro for anxiety / depression? 

Does it help?

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6 hours ago, cubd8 said:

Thoughts on Lexapro for anxiety / depression? 

Does it help?

I'm probably the last person that should be commenting, since my depression is not under control. With that said, these meds affect everyone so differently. I think its worth a try if you are struggling with the D. You won't really know until you give it a go. If you google this you'll find a ton who it helped and tons that it didnt. I've always felt folks are more prone to sharing negative reviews so try to take the bad ones with a grain of salt.  If you are new to meds watch for adverse affects like suicidal thoughts. Also know that if Lex doesnt help a different drug may. Last, keep searching for help within by trying things like meditation, volunteering,  tai chi, affirmations, upping your exercise, therapy, etc. Talking to someone helps me when things are super dark. I wish you wellness and peace.

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6 hours ago, cubd8 said:

Thoughts on Lexapro for anxiety / depression? 

Does it help?

It has worked for me with no lasting bad side effects. Just my experience. Everyone is different. 

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7 hours ago, cubd8 said:

Thoughts on Lexapro for anxiety / depression? 

Does it help?

Prescription meds are only one aspect of mental healthcare.

SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) help us make more serotonin. That’s an oversimplification but TRUST me it works even though we don’t actually know precisely why. Or rather it does for many. Common brands are Prozac, Celexa, Lexapro, Paxil, or Zoloft. There’s a corresponding clinical term for each of those, I only know mine (Zoloft = sertaline.)

Each drug works a little differently and individuals may or may not experience side effects, which are different for each SSRI. I chose mine after researching and taking to friends on SSRIs. Now you might be thinking “I don’t know anyone else dealing with depression like me.” Guess what? About 1 in 6 Americans are on an antidepressant. I understand the fears associated with being open about your mental health challenges, but once you start talking about it, you’ll realize you are DEFINITELY not alone.

It takes four to six weeks to notice significant therapeutic benefits from the SSRIs. The full range of benefits can take twelve weeks. Patients often experience a temporary worsening of anxietysymptoms during the first two weeks of treatment    

How Do Antidepressants (SSRIs) Work?

The bolded italicized below won’t bring comfort but it’s from a psychiatrist commenting on “how SSRIs Work.”

We have no idea how SSRIs work to treat depression, either. Anyone who says otherwise doesn’t know what they’re talking about.

We know what the immediate chemical effects of SSRIs are… they decrease reuptake of serotonin (reabsorption by the brain cell that released it). But we’re not even 100% sure when that results in more serotonin release vs. less! Many serotonin releasing neurons have their own serotonin receptors that inhibit further serotonin release, and SSRIs will cause those to become more stimulated. Also, we know that the effects of SSRIs on serotonin take only a couple hours, but we also know that the antidepressant effects take a few weeks to appear, which means that whatever is happening isn’t directly a result of increased serotonin release. It probably has to do with other neurons adapting to the change in serotonin release, and that adaptation somehow leads to the antidepressant effect.

Brains are really complicated. Anyone who gives you a simple explanation for something as complex as depression, like “serotonin = happiness, depression = not enough serotonin” is full of it (neither of those things is remotely true).

You’re putting chemicals in your body, so make sure it’s an informed choice. Read as much as you need to be comfortable with your treatment.

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On 5/23/2020 at 7:28 PM, prosopis said:

I have never been a go to the doctor guy but I decided maybe I should see someone. I went to a new pcp and I was bluntly honest. I was offered meds but said I wanted a referral to a specialist before trying any meds. I was honest in saying I am not a fan of meds. I was told I would get a referral. Kind of sorry I went as it felt really humiliating and now I think I may have been to honest as I can see what the doctor wrote in my records with this new on line patient portal stuff. I am pretty much marked down as a psycho. I was also given one of these business cards with phone number to call if I decide to hang myself.  

I will wait and see if I really get a referral. I feel like these days you need to be pretty proactive with your healthcare if you really want something done. I will leave this up to fate. If I get a referral I will go if a referral does not show up I will drop it. I will not be proactive to get a referral.

I do think there may be a benefit to me seeing a psychiatrist so kind of hoping I get the referral.

I just deleted a whole lot of typing here. I read what I wrote and was thinking it would really freak people out so here is a summary.

Our health care system sucks for mental health.

I wont be seeing any more doctors or therapists

I am tired of trying 

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