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Maurile Tremblay

One-sentence jokes

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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick-boxing. — Emo Philips

(Multiple sentences are also cool if they are short.)

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Reading a Chinese newspaper is like looking at a thousand douchebag tattoos at once. — Jason Mustian

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They ought to make butt-flavored cat food. - Gallagher

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Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 feet per second, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter. — Dave Barry

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(Multiple sentences are also cool if they are short.)

This is a joke. Not.

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I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."

I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."

The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

- Rodney Dangerfield

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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. — George Carlin

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I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best. - Daniel Tosh

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Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we already have. — Jack Handey

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Politicians and diapers should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. — Mark Twain

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Do not argue with an idiot, he will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." - Tim Allen

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The other day i came home and there was a guy jogging naked in frony of my house. I said "What are you doing running naked?" He said "Because you came home early."

I went to see my proctologist and he stuck his finger down my throat.

I called the suicide hotline and they put me on hold.

My partner's a workaholic. You mention work and he gets drunk.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Can't remember if this was Rodney or not;

We were broke so I sent my wife out to prostitute herself and she came home with 15 dollars and 10 cents. I said "Who the hell gave you 10 cents?" She said "Everybody"

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From Henny Youngman:

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

One Liners from the Master: Henny Youngman

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Whenever I walk somewhere, and someone hands me a flyer, it's like they're telling me, "Here, you go throw this away."

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just gonna ask where they're going and hook up with them later.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?

Mitch Hedberg

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We were broke so I sent my wife out to prostitute herself and she came home with 15 dollars and 10 cents. I said "Who the hell gave you 10 cents?" She said "Everybody"

:(

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I have a crush on my dental hygienist, so before my appointment I ate an entire bag of Oreo cookies. - Steven Wright

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I was homeless for a while, but I didn't want anyone to know, so I slept in front of a Ticketmaster.

My girlfriend said she wanted something expensive and extravagant that she really didn't need, so I got her chemotherapy.

(First heard the first one from a local stand-up that I'm sure has been passed around. Second one IIRC is an old Emo Phillips joke.)

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I have found that a ducks opinion of me is highly influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Hedeberg

I can imagine what my dad would say if I told him I was a vegetarian. "No son-a-mine's gay. Eat your meat p####."

Gaffigan

Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes - that way you are a mile away and you have his shoes.

Jack Handey

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A dog walked into a bar and said "I'm looking for the man who shot my Paw"

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I found my cat the other day. I would have found him sooner, but my lawn mower has a grass-catcher. -Emo Phillips

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Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy. - Jerry Seinfeld

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A dog walked into a bar and said "I'm looking for the man who shot my Paw"

Two guys walked into a bar but the next guy ducked.

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There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.

– Mark Twain

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Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes - that way you are a mile away and you have his shoes. Jack Handey

:goodposting: “It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”

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I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. — Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone

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My partner's a workaholic. You mention work and he gets drunk. Rodney Dangerfield

:thumbdown:lots of funny ones in here so far.

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The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

Rod Schmidt

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Jesus could've made it up Mount Calvary without assistance if he had cross-trained.

Steve Connelly

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"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." - Tim Allen

/THREAD

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Jesus could've made it up Mount Calvary without assistance if he had cross-trained.Steve Connelly

:bag::lmao::lmao:

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"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." wears a condom with the other girls

Fixed

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Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Unknown

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Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy. - Jerry Seinfeld

supposedly seinfeld had that joke but hadn't really written it right and another comedian actually shaped it. Colin Quinn, maybe?

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I hope they find a cure for cancer soon because I'm tired of walking 5k. -Tosh

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What does Barack Obama call illegal aliens?, undocumented democrats. --unknown American

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Did you hear the one about the gentleman of Polish persuasion who walks into a bar with a pile of dog #### in his hands and says "Hey, look what I almost stepped in!"?

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