MikeIke
Footballguy
I've had a few PM's asking how things have been going so I figure I'll fill in the FFA on what my life has been like since everything fell apart at the end of June. Quick recap: My wife told me she was raped and then confessed that the rapist was the guy with whom she'd been cheating on me for a month. Back when I had my original thread I'd pretty much decided on getting a divorce.
Fast-forward to today. I've decided not to go for the divorce for several reasons. First and foremost I love my wife despite what she did to me. Second, I love our family (two boys, 6 and 4) and don't want to break it up.
I've been going to a therapist since the beginning of July and it's really helped. My wife has been seeing a trauma therapist, a psychologist, and a psychiatrist weekly during that time as well. We've also had several marriage counseling sessions. All the counseling seems to be making a difference. Not as quickly as I'd hope but progress is progress, I guess.
She'd previously been diagnosed as bipolar and her old psychiatrist had her on certain medications. Unfortunately he changed his practice around to do more work at the VA, and my wife was only able to see him every couple months or so. It turns out this was a pretty bad setup because when she slipped into a manic phase of her bipolar disorder, he was unavailable to do anything with her meds. Her mania contributed to her bad decisions back in June (going to RaperRapper's pad to hang out, do drugs, and have sex) and since it was unchecked by medicine there wasn't anything I or anyone else could really do to change her mind. She is now seeing a new psychiatrist on a weekly basis. This one has taken her off a few of her old meds and put her on two new ones. From what I've seen it's made a big difference.
In addition to the Bipolar Disorder, she's also been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I've read a couple books about the subject and it's ugly. What I've read describes her personality to a T and not just over the past few months. She's still not in 100% agreement that she has this condition, but that's also a hallmark of the condition - "I don't have BPD, you do!" that kind of thinking. Her therapist is taking things slowly as far as treating it because it's not something they can approach lightly. It's gonna be a long road for both of us - her learning to change the way she sees and reacts to the world and me learning how to better interact with her without setting off a fight.
As far as RaperRapper goes, he's still walking free and this frustrates my wife to no end. The detective tried for months to speak with him but was never successful. Finally last week she got a hold of him on the phone and arranged for him to come in for questioning. Then the next day he lawyered up, so the police still do not have his side of the story. The rape kit has not been processed even after nearly 3 months and the police will not bring the case to the prosecutor without that forensic evidence. The group that lived at the apartment where it happened was evicted at the end of August, so now I don't know if the police even know where he is.
I've not been active on the FFA for a while. In fact, I kind of checked out of reality altogether. On my therapist's advice I took 6 weeks off work under short-term disability. I'm back at work now, this is my second week back. Having that time off work really allowed me to concentrate on the important thing - keeping my family together. I've managed to do that and today, despite many outstanding issues, I think we're better off than we were 6 months ago. My therapist has emphasized with me that since I've decided not to go for the divorce that the best thing to do is try and make something positive come out of a completely negative experience. That's the road we're taking and at the moment it's going as well as could be expected.
So that's a high-level view of where my life is at the moment. Sorry it's not as exciting as you all may have hoped but I think it's the best choice I could have made for my family. I've made it clear to my wife that there can be no more cheating. My exact quote was "The day I find out you cheated again is the day I file for divorce. No third chances." She's in complete agreement and feels she's learned her lesson. I'm not too sure - I'm just worried what will happen the next time she slips into mania again. But now at least I have a better understanding of what to look for. I also know that I need to be more suspicious of her in the future. I still don't trust her 100% - it will take a long time to re-establish that trust.
Thanks to the FFA for all the support back when I needed it. At the time I had no one to talk to about it and you all stepped in and provided me a lifeline. I don't think I can fully describe how much that meant to me - it was huge and I thank each and every one of you.
Fast-forward to today. I've decided not to go for the divorce for several reasons. First and foremost I love my wife despite what she did to me. Second, I love our family (two boys, 6 and 4) and don't want to break it up.
I've been going to a therapist since the beginning of July and it's really helped. My wife has been seeing a trauma therapist, a psychologist, and a psychiatrist weekly during that time as well. We've also had several marriage counseling sessions. All the counseling seems to be making a difference. Not as quickly as I'd hope but progress is progress, I guess.
She'd previously been diagnosed as bipolar and her old psychiatrist had her on certain medications. Unfortunately he changed his practice around to do more work at the VA, and my wife was only able to see him every couple months or so. It turns out this was a pretty bad setup because when she slipped into a manic phase of her bipolar disorder, he was unavailable to do anything with her meds. Her mania contributed to her bad decisions back in June (going to RaperRapper's pad to hang out, do drugs, and have sex) and since it was unchecked by medicine there wasn't anything I or anyone else could really do to change her mind. She is now seeing a new psychiatrist on a weekly basis. This one has taken her off a few of her old meds and put her on two new ones. From what I've seen it's made a big difference.
In addition to the Bipolar Disorder, she's also been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I've read a couple books about the subject and it's ugly. What I've read describes her personality to a T and not just over the past few months. She's still not in 100% agreement that she has this condition, but that's also a hallmark of the condition - "I don't have BPD, you do!" that kind of thinking. Her therapist is taking things slowly as far as treating it because it's not something they can approach lightly. It's gonna be a long road for both of us - her learning to change the way she sees and reacts to the world and me learning how to better interact with her without setting off a fight.
As far as RaperRapper goes, he's still walking free and this frustrates my wife to no end. The detective tried for months to speak with him but was never successful. Finally last week she got a hold of him on the phone and arranged for him to come in for questioning. Then the next day he lawyered up, so the police still do not have his side of the story. The rape kit has not been processed even after nearly 3 months and the police will not bring the case to the prosecutor without that forensic evidence. The group that lived at the apartment where it happened was evicted at the end of August, so now I don't know if the police even know where he is.
I've not been active on the FFA for a while. In fact, I kind of checked out of reality altogether. On my therapist's advice I took 6 weeks off work under short-term disability. I'm back at work now, this is my second week back. Having that time off work really allowed me to concentrate on the important thing - keeping my family together. I've managed to do that and today, despite many outstanding issues, I think we're better off than we were 6 months ago. My therapist has emphasized with me that since I've decided not to go for the divorce that the best thing to do is try and make something positive come out of a completely negative experience. That's the road we're taking and at the moment it's going as well as could be expected.
So that's a high-level view of where my life is at the moment. Sorry it's not as exciting as you all may have hoped but I think it's the best choice I could have made for my family. I've made it clear to my wife that there can be no more cheating. My exact quote was "The day I find out you cheated again is the day I file for divorce. No third chances." She's in complete agreement and feels she's learned her lesson. I'm not too sure - I'm just worried what will happen the next time she slips into mania again. But now at least I have a better understanding of what to look for. I also know that I need to be more suspicious of her in the future. I still don't trust her 100% - it will take a long time to re-establish that trust.
Thanks to the FFA for all the support back when I needed it. At the time I had no one to talk to about it and you all stepped in and provided me a lifeline. I don't think I can fully describe how much that meant to me - it was huge and I thank each and every one of you.
Last edited by a moderator: