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Time for an Update (1 Viewer)

MikeIke

Footballguy
I've had a few PM's asking how things have been going so I figure I'll fill in the FFA on what my life has been like since everything fell apart at the end of June. Quick recap: My wife told me she was raped and then confessed that the rapist was the guy with whom she'd been cheating on me for a month. Back when I had my original thread I'd pretty much decided on getting a divorce.

Fast-forward to today. I've decided not to go for the divorce for several reasons. First and foremost I love my wife despite what she did to me. Second, I love our family (two boys, 6 and 4) and don't want to break it up.

I've been going to a therapist since the beginning of July and it's really helped. My wife has been seeing a trauma therapist, a psychologist, and a psychiatrist weekly during that time as well. We've also had several marriage counseling sessions. All the counseling seems to be making a difference. Not as quickly as I'd hope but progress is progress, I guess.

She'd previously been diagnosed as bipolar and her old psychiatrist had her on certain medications. Unfortunately he changed his practice around to do more work at the VA, and my wife was only able to see him every couple months or so. It turns out this was a pretty bad setup because when she slipped into a manic phase of her bipolar disorder, he was unavailable to do anything with her meds. Her mania contributed to her bad decisions back in June (going to RaperRapper's pad to hang out, do drugs, and have sex) and since it was unchecked by medicine there wasn't anything I or anyone else could really do to change her mind. She is now seeing a new psychiatrist on a weekly basis. This one has taken her off a few of her old meds and put her on two new ones. From what I've seen it's made a big difference.

In addition to the Bipolar Disorder, she's also been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I've read a couple books about the subject and it's ugly. What I've read describes her personality to a T and not just over the past few months. She's still not in 100% agreement that she has this condition, but that's also a hallmark of the condition - "I don't have BPD, you do!" that kind of thinking. Her therapist is taking things slowly as far as treating it because it's not something they can approach lightly. It's gonna be a long road for both of us - her learning to change the way she sees and reacts to the world and me learning how to better interact with her without setting off a fight.

As far as RaperRapper goes, he's still walking free and this frustrates my wife to no end. The detective tried for months to speak with him but was never successful. Finally last week she got a hold of him on the phone and arranged for him to come in for questioning. Then the next day he lawyered up, so the police still do not have his side of the story. The rape kit has not been processed even after nearly 3 months and the police will not bring the case to the prosecutor without that forensic evidence. The group that lived at the apartment where it happened was evicted at the end of August, so now I don't know if the police even know where he is.

I've not been active on the FFA for a while. In fact, I kind of checked out of reality altogether. On my therapist's advice I took 6 weeks off work under short-term disability. I'm back at work now, this is my second week back. Having that time off work really allowed me to concentrate on the important thing - keeping my family together. I've managed to do that and today, despite many outstanding issues, I think we're better off than we were 6 months ago. My therapist has emphasized with me that since I've decided not to go for the divorce that the best thing to do is try and make something positive come out of a completely negative experience. That's the road we're taking and at the moment it's going as well as could be expected.

So that's a high-level view of where my life is at the moment. Sorry it's not as exciting as you all may have hoped but I think it's the best choice I could have made for my family. I've made it clear to my wife that there can be no more cheating. My exact quote was "The day I find out you cheated again is the day I file for divorce. No third chances." She's in complete agreement and feels she's learned her lesson. I'm not too sure - I'm just worried what will happen the next time she slips into mania again. But now at least I have a better understanding of what to look for. I also know that I need to be more suspicious of her in the future. I still don't trust her 100% - it will take a long time to re-establish that trust.

Thanks to the FFA for all the support back when I needed it. At the time I had no one to talk to about it and you all stepped in and provided me a lifeline. I don't think I can fully describe how much that meant to me - it was huge and I thank each and every one of you.

 
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Having that time off work really allowed me to concentrate on the important thing - keeping my family together.

My therapist has emphasized with me that since I've decided not to go for the divorce that the best thing to do is try and make something positive come out of a completely negative experience.

I still don't trust her 100% - it will take a long time to re-establish that trust.
These are the three things that stood out to me.#1 is the most important, especially for your kids.

#2 completely agree here...now that you've chosen your path, move forward, don't dwell on the past

#3 not sure you'll ever get back to 100%...I know I wouldn't

Good luck. Hope it all works out. :thumbup:

 
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Thanks for the honest update. Glad to hear things are feeling better for you... even though the whole thing sounds FUBAR to me. :thumbup:

 
You are a better man than I.
Thanks, GB. It took a few weeks to get over the rage I was feeling initially but I managed, and things were a little more clear then. My initial desire for the divorce was fueled by my anger and I was able to get it under control, rather than let it control me.
 
Having that time off work really allowed me to concentrate on the important thing - keeping my family together.

My therapist has emphasized with me that since I've decided not to go for the divorce that the best thing to do is try and make something positive come out of a completely negative experience.

I still don't trust her 100% - it will take a long time to re-establish that trust.
These are the three things that stood out to me.#1 is the most important, especially for your kids.

#2 completely agree here...now that you've chose your path, move forward, don't dwell on the past

#3 not sure you'll ever get back to 100%...I know I wouldn't

Good luck. Hope it all works out. :thumbup:
:goodposting: excellent points, all threebest of luck to you, Mike

 
Having that time off work really allowed me to concentrate on the important thing - keeping my family together.

My therapist has emphasized with me that since I've decided not to go for the divorce that the best thing to do is try and make something positive come out of a completely negative experience.

I still don't trust her 100% - it will take a long time to re-establish that trust.
These are the three things that stood out to me.#1 is the most important, especially for your kids.

#2 completely agree here...now that you've chose your path, move forward, don't dwell on the past

#3 not sure you'll ever get back to 100%...I know I wouldn't

Good luck. Hope it all works out. :thumbup:
Thanks. I don't know if it will ever be 100% either. There's always going to be something at the back of my mind that will wonder if she's being honest. I'll just have to be a little more vigilant.
 
You are a better man than I.
Thanks, GB. It took a few weeks to get over the rage I was feeling initially but I managed, and things were a little more clear then. My initial desire for the divorce was fueled by my anger and I was able to get it under control, rather than let it control me.
I think I could get past the cheating. It is the eternity of being the rock for a woman who is both bi-polar and BPD. I don't think I could stick around for all of that drama. You're a great dad.
 
I think I missed the initial story. I think I'm glad about that after what I've read here. Pretty sure what IB posted applies. gllll

 
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Man, first JonnyCakes' thread and now this one, this is a terrible start to the day. Best of luck to you as well.
Yeah I saw his thread after I posted this. I didn't mean to steal his thunder. He still holds the :tfp: title but I may be in the top 5.
 
You are a better man than I.
Thanks, GB. It took a few weeks to get over the rage I was feeling initially but I managed, and things were a little more clear then. My initial desire for the divorce was fueled by my anger and I was able to get it under control, rather than let it control me.
I think I could get past the cheating. It is the eternity of being the rock for a woman who is both bi-polar and BPD. I don't think I could stick around for all of that drama. You're a great dad.
Yeah, that's why I'm still seeing my therapist. It's gonna suck.
 
In addition to the Bipolar Disorder, she's also been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.
My SIL has both of these disorders. I wouldn't wish them on anyone, or for anyone to have to be subjected to them such as yourself (and my brother).Good luck, Mike. I'm glad you are keeping the family together right now since your children are in the scene. When they get older it won't be as important, but the children really need someone sane to be very much around. The situation is different if both parents were mentally stable, but when one is nuts, that changes everything when children are involved.

 
In addition to the Bipolar Disorder, she's also been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.
My SIL has both of these disorders. I wouldn't wish them on anyone, or for anyone to have to be subjected to them such as yourself (and my brother).Good luck, Mike. I'm glad you are keeping the family together right now since your children are in the scene. When they get older it won't be as important, but the children really need someone sane to be very much around. The situation is different if both parents were mentally stable, but when one is nuts, that changes everything when children are involved.
You ain't kidding. The combination of the two is brutal. She just doesn't see the world the way the rest of us do. Makes it really difficult to interact with her sometimes.
Thoughts on the Mike and Ike BERRY BLAST?
:thumbup:
 
Wow, i am very shocked at your approach. Like others have said above i am very surprised at your change of heart. I know i could not do it. Having been involved with a person that suffered from Bi-Polar i can sympathize with you. However, you have no idea what you are getting into. I hope this all works out for you and your family. Stay strong and thx for the update.

 
Wow, i am very shocked at your approach. Like others have said above i am very surprised at your change of heart. I know i could not do it. Having been involved with a person that suffered from Bi-Polar i can sympathize with you. However, you have no idea what you are getting into. I hope this all works out for you and your family. Stay strong and thx for the update.
I disagree - I have a very good idea what lays ahead. My therapist is actually a specialist in personality disorders so she's able to lay out my course of action. I've also read two different books that pretty much agreed with each other. I'm not saying it will be easy, I know it's going to suck. But I'm willing to give it my all.If there's a next time, though, I'm taking the kids and leaving. That's already been decided.
 
Wow, i am very shocked at your approach. Like others have said above i am very surprised at your change of heart. I know i could not do it. Having been involved with a person that suffered from Bi-Polar i can sympathize with you. However, you have no idea what you are getting into. I hope this all works out for you and your family. Stay strong and thx for the update.
I disagree - I have a very good idea what lays ahead. My therapist is actually a specialist in personality disorders so she's able to lay out my course of action. I've also read two different books that pretty much agreed with each other. I'm not saying it will be easy, I know it's going to suck. But I'm willing to give it my all.If there's a next time, though, I'm taking the kids and leaving. That's already been decided.
:goodposting: Best of luck to you!
 
Best of luck to you. It is good you are working with a specialist - BPD is very difficult to work with. It is good you have the confidence and ability to put things behind you that others would not let go. You're going to need that persona in the worst way if your wife truly has BPD.

 
When you say you've read a couple books on BPD, I assume (hope) this was one of them.
That was the one my therapist originally recommended, but when I went to the bookstore they didn't have it. The ones I got were "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder."ETA: From Doc's link

People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) experience such violent and frightening mood swings that they often fear for their sanity. They can be euphoric one moment, despairing and depressed the next. There are an estimated 18 million sufferers of BPD living in America today-each displaying remarkably similar symptoms: *A shaky sense of identity *Sudden outbursts of anger *Oversensitivity to real or imagined rejection *Brief, turbulent love affairs *Intense feelings of emptiness *Eating disorders, drug abuse, and other self-destructive tendencies *An irrational fear of abandonment and an inability to be alone
FFA, meet my wife. Aren't you jealous?
 
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There's always going to be something at the back of my mind that will wonder if she's being honest.
Probably, but given the high and honorable road you've chosen to take, and the reality of your wife's condition, it really doesn't matter if she's being honest about being raped. The important part is her condition led her to make decisions and behave in a way that put her and your family in danger. Now the two of you are doing the hard work of making sure that doesn't happen again.Congrats on that, and good luck. :thumbup:
 
There's always going to be something at the back of my mind that will wonder if she's being honest.
Probably, but given the high and honorable road you've chosen to take, and the reality of your wife's condition, it really doesn't matter if she's being honest about being raped. The important part is her condition led her to make decisions and behave in a way that put her and your family in danger. Now the two of you are doing the hard work of making sure that doesn't happen again.Congrats on that, and good luck. :thumbup:
That's not what I was referring to. There's no doubt in my mind that she was. I saw the bruises and I've seen the devastation she's experienced. I was referring to being suspicious when she goes out with friends, or something like that.
 
[ETA: From Doc's link

People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) experience such violent and frightening mood swings that they often fear for their sanity. They can be euphoric one moment, despairing and depressed the next. There are an estimated 18 million sufferers of BPD living in America today-each displaying remarkably similar symptoms: *A shaky sense of identity *Sudden outbursts of anger *Oversensitivity to real or imagined rejection *Brief, turbulent love affairs *Intense feelings of emptiness *Eating disorders, drug abuse, and other self-destructive tendencies *An irrational fear of abandonment and an inability to be alone
FFA, meet my wife. Aren't you jealous?
:shrug:Sounds like every girl I ever dated in college.
 
There's always going to be something at the back of my mind that will wonder if she's being honest.
Probably, but given the high and honorable road you've chosen to take, and the reality of your wife's condition, it really doesn't matter if she's being honest about being raped. The important part is her condition led her to make decisions and behave in a way that put her and your family in danger. Now the two of you are doing the hard work of making sure that doesn't happen again.Congrats on that, and good luck. :thumbup:
That's not what I was referring to. There's no doubt in my mind that she was. I saw the bruises and I've seen the devastation she's experienced. I was referring to being suspicious when she goes out with friends, or something like that.
Gotcha, sorry
 
There's always going to be something at the back of my mind that will wonder if she's being honest.
Probably, but given the high and honorable road you've chosen to take, and the reality of your wife's condition, it really doesn't matter if she's being honest about being raped. The important part is her condition led her to make decisions and behave in a way that put her and your family in danger. Now the two of you are doing the hard work of making sure that doesn't happen again.Congrats on that, and good luck. :thumbup:
That's not what I was referring to. There's no doubt in my mind that she was. I saw the bruises and I've seen the devastation she's experienced. I was referring to being suspicious when she goes out with friends, or something like that.
wish you the best of luck...and this was one of the only things I was going to comment on....you said you need to be more suspicious of her in the future.....guess I would say be careful with that.....you could drive yourself crazy just doing that alone....if you begin checking cell phone text records/phone calls...confronting her on things, it might amp things up....while it may be hard not to want to do those things, at some point you may have step away and say it is what it is and if it happens again then I move on....you can drive yourself crazy trying to "bust" her again....and if she senses it, it could cause more problems.....sorry that was a little off track, but just be careful in that area.....wish you the best, you sound like a pretty solid dude...
 
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There's always going to be something at the back of my mind that will wonder if she's being honest.
Probably, but given the high and honorable road you've chosen to take, and the reality of your wife's condition, it really doesn't matter if she's being honest about being raped. The important part is her condition led her to make decisions and behave in a way that put her and your family in danger. Now the two of you are doing the hard work of making sure that doesn't happen again.Congrats on that, and good luck. :thumbup:
That's not what I was referring to. There's no doubt in my mind that she was. I saw the bruises and I've seen the devastation she's experienced. I was referring to being suspicious when she goes out with friends, or something like that.
wish you the best of luck...and this was one of the only things I was going to comment on....you said you need to be more suspicious of her in the future.....guess I would say be careful with that.....you could drive yourself crazy just doing that alone....if you begin checking cell phone text records/phone calls...confronting her on things, it might amp things up....while it may be hard not to want to do those things, at some point you may have step away and say it is what it is and if it happens again then I move on....you can drive yourself crazy trying to "bust" her again....and if she senses it, it could cause more problems.....sorry that was a little off track, but just be careful in that area.....wish you the best, you sound like a pretty solid dude...
That's good advice, and it's definitely something I need to watch out for on my end. There have been instances over the past 3 months where I've been checking her Facebook conversations, texts, stuff like that. Moreso at the beginning when all the doodoo was hitting the fan. But you're right, I need to watch out that I don't drive myself crazy looking for things that aren't really there.
 
Two questions.1) Is Amber real?2) Is she hot?Thanks
Amber IS real, however she wasn't RaperRapper's girlfriend as I'd been led to believe. My wife wasn't close friends with her, every time she said Amber she really meant RaperRapper. I haven't seen her so can't place her on the Offdee scale. My wife says she's cute and has a nice body. She's a backup singer for some rap guy, and those types are usually at least fair eye candy. But those types are also not the type I'd be interested in and I suggest she'd be beneath any self-respecting FFA member.
 
There's always going to be something at the back of my mind that will wonder if she's being honest.
Probably, but given the high and honorable road you've chosen to take, and the reality of your wife's condition, it really doesn't matter if she's being honest about being raped. The important part is her condition led her to make decisions and behave in a way that put her and your family in danger. Now the two of you are doing the hard work of making sure that doesn't happen again.Congrats on that, and good luck. :thumbup:
That's not what I was referring to. There's no doubt in my mind that she was. I saw the bruises and I've seen the devastation she's experienced. I was referring to being suspicious when she goes out with friends, or something like that.
wish you the best of luck...and this was one of the only things I was going to comment on....you said you need to be more suspicious of her in the future.....guess I would say be careful with that.....you could drive yourself crazy just doing that alone....if you begin checking cell phone text records/phone calls...confronting her on things, it might amp things up....while it may be hard not to want to do those things, at some point you may have step away and say it is what it is and if it happens again then I move on....you can drive yourself crazy trying to "bust" her again....and if she senses it, it could cause more problems.....sorry that was a little off track, but just be careful in that area.....wish you the best, you sound like a pretty solid dude...
Agree with all of this. Props and good luck to you.
 
Two questions.

1) Is Amber real?

2) Is she hot?

Thanks
Amber IS real, however she wasn't RaperRapper's girlfriend as I'd been led to believe. My wife wasn't close friends with her, every time she said Amber she really meant RaperRapper. I haven't seen her so can't place her on the Offdee scale. My wife says she's cute and has a nice body. She's a backup singer for some rap guy, and those types are usually at least fair eye candy. But those types are also not the type I'd be interested in and I suggest she'd be beneath any self-respecting FFA member.
Is there are sign-up sheet for this somewhere?
 
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Two questions.

1) Is Amber real?

2) Is she hot?

Thanks
Amber IS real, however she wasn't RaperRapper's girlfriend as I'd been led to believe. My wife wasn't close friends with her, every time she said Amber she really meant RaperRapper. I haven't seen her so can't place her on the Offdee scale. My wife says she's cute and has a nice body. She's a backup singer for some rap guy, and those types are usually at least fair eye candy. But those types are also not the type I'd be interested in and I suggest she'd be beneath any self-respecting FFA member.
Is there are sign-up sheet for this somewhere?
:lmao: I guess that didn't come out quite like I meant it. Considering the people she hangs out with, she's probably been beneath enough men that her sign-up sheet would look like the bottom of the Declaration of Independence.
 
Two questions.

1) Is Amber real?

2) Is she hot?

Thanks
Amber IS real, however she wasn't RaperRapper's girlfriend as I'd been led to believe. My wife wasn't close friends with her, every time she said Amber she really meant RaperRapper. I haven't seen her so can't place her on the Offdee scale. My wife says she's cute and has a nice body. She's a backup singer for some rap guy, and those types are usually at least fair eye candy. But those types are also not the type I'd be interested in and I suggest she'd be beneath any self-respecting FFA member.
Is there are sign-up sheet for this somewhere?
:lmao: I guess that didn't come out quite like I meant it. Considering the people she hangs out with, she's probably been beneath enough men that her sign-up sheet would look like the bottom of the Declaration of Independence.
Been looking for a good place to put my John Hancock imo.
 
:mellow:

:mellow:

:mellow:

:mellow:

"Better man than me" is an understatement. I sincerely hope everything works out for you & the kids. I also hope that this in an elaborate rouse to throw off the flat foots when your wife disappears in a few months.

 
Stop me if im getting too personal.. But have you been able to do the nasty with your wife yet?

This seems like it would be one of the biggest mental hurdles for me to overcome if I were in your shoes.

 
Stop me if im getting too personal.. But have you been able to do the nasty with your wife yet?

This seems like it would be one of the biggest mental hurdles for me to overcome if I were in your shoes.
I was pretty hung up on it at first. She stayed at her mom's house the first week after she told me . When she came home I decided to give it a go. We had more sex during that second week than in a very long time, but it wasn't all that good. It was more, I dunno, impersonal? Frantic? Kind of hard to describe. I think it was my subconscious way of re-establishing that she's my woman. After that things cooled off but the sex has still been pretty regular. More regular than it was pre-affair, actually.But yes, it was a mental hurdle and I've been able to clear it and move on.

 
Just wanted to say that I'm glad things are moving in the right direction. :thumbup:

I'll keep your family in my prayers.

 
Yesterday my wife received a temporary restraining order against RaperRapper. last week she was out painting the garage door and a car with a black male drove by slowly, looking right at her. It made her a little nervous but she continued painting. Then 10 minutes later RaperRapper himself drove by, staring her down. He turned around in a driveway at the end of the street but she ducked into the garage. She called me at work and I came home. She was pretty freaked out and I was nervous myself. I stayed up late that night with an eye out the window, and our gun at my side.

Yesterday she went before a judge and got a restraining order against him. The police still haven't charged him with anything becuase the rape kit has yet to be processed. Turns out this guy has a record for domestic abuse, menacing, and obstruction. He'd been pulled over this past August so they have the address he gave them, though I have no idea if it's a valid address or not. Hopefully they'll be able to serve him with the restraining order.

In other news we put our house on the market yesterday. With her not working we can't afford the mortgage anymore. We're going to look for a place in the country with some acreage. The prices are unbelievable right now, mortgage rates are unbelievable, and I just foundd out that my credit score is 810 so I'll be able to qualify for those juicy rates when it comes time to buy. I'm hoping that with a much cheaper mortgage we'll be able to solve our financial crisis, and with a place in the country there won't be as much stress for her to deal with so maybe she'll continue her improvement.

 

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