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Dez89

Dez's thread, baby...

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After 5 years of rollercoaster marriage, I finally decided to call it quits. I love her but decided I didn’t want to live that way the rest of my life. The wife and I separated back in August and she went back home to try to figure out what she wanted to do with her life. It was a very difficult decision and I would have done it sooner except that I had a lot of guilty feelings. Guilty about setting her back in her life (she hasn’t finished school yet), feeling like I was abandoning her and her family (we provided them with a lot of financial support), and also wondering if maybe she was right in some way despite all the crazies.

I’d basically been walking on eggshells since the day she moved in. A buddy of mine had gotten married about a year earlier to a girl who turned out to be bat #### crazy and he suggested that I clean up everything that could possibly be used against me. I told him I didn’t think it was a problem, but I went ahead and did what I could. I deleted some crap off the computer and packed up any photos I had of girls (ex-girlfriends, friends, etc.) in a box, and put it away inside another box in a closet. Within one week of moving in, she had the pictures out and was demanding that I throw them all away. I wouldn’t. So that was how it began. She had never shown any indication of extreme jealousy up until then. She claims that her not trusting me started at that point, because the pictures were soooo important to me, and I “loved” the pictures more than I loved her, etc. (a claim that I would hear many times over the next 5 years about various things, whenever I wouldn’t compromise myself for the sake of her suspicions/jealousy).

It was really actually kind of funny, if it hadn’t been me. The things that she would come up with, or the things that would randomly happen that would somehow point to me being unfaithful, especially when looking at it with a biased eye. Her problem is that her brain is constantly on, always thinking and analyzing. I know that’s the case with most women, but hers works on overdrive. And when all that brain is concerned with is “catching” me, it means bad news for me. The FBI doesn’t have anything on her when it comes to “investigation” (i.e. snooping). So sometime a year or so ago it occurred to me that *I* was starting to become the crazy one. I was now overanalyzing everything, thinking through everything I was going to say or do before I said or did it, looking for something, anything, that might be misinterpreted and trying to figure out a way to mitigate that possibility before it ever happened.

But it was no use. Inevitably I would be accused of something. It usually started with an “innocent” question, but I would recognize THAT tone and a chill would go up my spine as I would immediately begin wracking my brain trying to figure out where the question was coming from and where it was going. But it was no use. My deer in the headlights look always made me guilty. Or the fact that I was unable to come up with an answer to a question that had no answer (sort of like proving a negative) also made me guilty.

Now I have to admit that I am not perfect. Actually, far from it. I lived alone for 12 years before getting married and was the stereotypical bachelor set in his ways. So I ogle attractive women, I peruse the internet pron and other questionable sites, and I’ve been known to flirt with a waitress or two. Things like that. Mostly harmless, in my opinion, but for her it was a big deal. I tried to do better and would be successful on a temporary basis, but would inevitably fail in the end. You can’t change who you are, and even me being friendly to people had the potential to ignite her fuse. And deep down inside I’m a dog, and she knows it. So in the end I was always guilty, even if only in thought. And as far as she was concerned, it was all the same. How does the old song go “I gave her my heart but she wanted my soul?” She wanted me completely pure of mind as well as body.

The constant barrage started eating away my feelings for her, my desires for her, etc. which only made things worse and made me more “guilty” of something. Whoever made up the term “make-up sex” must have never had any real fights with his significant other, or at least not the nasty kind. And it only made the bachelor still inside me ask me more and more “why did you do this to us?” The beginning of the end came a little over a year ago when she put some tracking software on the computer, and saw some of the sites I had been visiting, as well as an online chat I had with some girl (who I didn’t know). She also discovered an e-mail account where I was keeping old pictures and e-mails that I didn’t want to get rid of, as well as newer pictures taken off the internet. Basically, she found the Bat Cave. Needless to say, she flipped. And with good reason, I suppose. It was like all her suspicions, fears, etc. had been validated.

There’s more to it, of course, but this is long enough and I think you all get the general idea. So eventually I just figured out that I was not going to change enough to make her happy. I either couldn’t or didn’t want to. Plus, there was no way it would be sustainable. And even if I actually could change and did, would it ever be enough? And would I end up hating myself for it? Would SHE ever change? I decided I didn’t want to risk the next 10 years of my life finding out all these answers, and so here we are. Or at least that gets us to last August. There’s still a lot more to get us to today, updates to follow...

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TLDR Version:

"I'm a dog, my wife hates it, we can't be married."

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I feel like this is not covert enough for you if they are already searching the forum GB. Crazy is creative.

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I feel like this is not covert enough for you if they are already searching the forum GB. Crazy is creative.

:goodposting: and putting part of the old name in the thread title is not exactly stealth...

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Why be covert about it now? Why do you care if she sees this tell-all rant? Your ability to hide an internet trail sucks. You'd be still happily married if you had invested in spy-blocking software. This thread is a microcosm of the symptoms of your marriage ills. Good luck either way.

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I need your DOB and last four of you SSN to confirm it's you.

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I feel like this is not covert enough for you if they are already searching the forum GB. Crazy is creative.

:goodposting:

and putting part of the old name in the thread title is not exactly stealth...

My link

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Yeah, all good criticisms. Crazy is definitely creative, as I've discovered. I'm not sure they care enough any more to search, so this was just sort of a first line defense.

But maybe I'll change the name of the thread anyway... :unsure:

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I need your DOB and last four of you SSN to confirm it's you.

:goodposting: And just to be safe, send me the first 5 digits to, you know, keep them separate.

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Well I'm glad you found out you aren't the marrying type after you got married.

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This is clearly :fishing: , but why were you chatting with a woman you didn't know and what kind of pictures did you have? :popcorn:

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Well I'm glad you found out you aren't the marrying type after you got married.

Well I pretty much figured that was the case beforehand, but she was the first person I'd met who made me feel like it was worth a shot. I think it could have worked out alright from that standpoint, if the rest of it had been better.One thing good that came out of it was that I learned a lot more about myself over the last several years. Or maybe more accurately, I accepted a lot more about myself.

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Those that constantly accuse the other of cheating are usually doing It themselves.

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Mmmmmm, Fridaylicious.

:goodposting: GB Friday.

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This is clearly :fishing: , but why were you chatting with a woman you didn't know and what kind of pictures did you have? :popcorn:

I was in a chat room and ended up talking to some random woman. Then the day after my wife put the tracking software on the computer, I was chatting again and ran across the same woman. So that 2nd conversation made it look like we knew each other, or had been in touch for a while or something. She asked about my wife, etc., which just made it look worse.The pictures... well, I seem to be some kind of picture hoarder. Usually with the intent to redistribute to my friends, but most of the time I never look at them again. A lot of "how hot?" FFA type pics, for example. The bad part was that I had pictures of a couple of her cousins and a couple friends of hers, that I DID send to my buddies but then never deleted. And a few of the old e-mails I had in there were from a female friend of mine who my wife always suspected I had a thing for. This friend had also sent me pics (nothing bad) and me having those was NOT good. Ugh... I know. I'm an idiot. :bag:

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The bad part was that I had pictures of a couple of her cousins and a couple friends of hers, that I DID send to my buddies but then never deleted. And a few of the old e-mails I had in there were from a female friend of mine who my wife always suspected I had a thing for.

:useless:

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But maybe I'll change the name of the thread anyway... :unsure:

Well, doesn't quite have the same ring to it. But I guess it will do.

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O/U 1.5 days until Dez's wife "finds" this thread?

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But it was no use. Inevitably I would be accused of something. It usually started with an “innocent” question, but I would recognize THAT tone and a chill would go up my spine as I would immediately begin wracking my brain trying to figure out where the question was coming from and where it was going. But it was no use. My deer in the headlights look always made me guilty. Or the fact that I was unable to come up with an answer to a question that had no answer (sort of like proving a negative) also made me guilty.

This could be my wife. When I hear that tone, I run for the hills. Literally, I leave.

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This is clearly :fishing: , but why were you chatting with a woman you didn't know and what kind of pictures did you have? :popcorn:

I was in a chat room and ended up talking to some random woman. Then the day after my wife put the tracking software on the computer, I was chatting again and ran across the same woman. So that 2nd conversation made it look like we knew each other, or had been in touch for a while or something. She asked about my wife, etc., which just made it look worse.The pictures... well, I seem to be some kind of picture hoarder. Usually with the intent to redistribute to my friends, but most of the time I never look at them again. A lot of "how hot?" FFA type pics, for example. The bad part was that I had pictures of a couple of her cousins and a couple friends of hers, that I DID send to my buddies but then never deleted. And a few of the old e-mails I had in there were from a female friend of mine who my wife always suspected I had a thing for. This friend had also sent me pics (nothing bad) and me having those was NOT good. Ugh... I know. I'm an idiot. :bag:
I don't think this is really stupid behavior. If your women can't understand that men like to look at hot women then she must have some deep insecurity.

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This is clearly :fishing: , but why were you chatting with a woman you didn't know and what kind of pictures did you have? :popcorn:

I was in a chat room and ended up talking to some random woman. Then the day after my wife put the tracking software on the computer, I was chatting again and ran across the same woman. So that 2nd conversation made it look like we knew each other, or had been in touch for a while or something. She asked about my wife, etc., which just made it look worse.The pictures... well, I seem to be some kind of picture hoarder. Usually with the intent to redistribute to my friends, but most of the time I never look at them again. A lot of "how hot?" FFA type pics, for example. The bad part was that I had pictures of a couple of her cousins and a couple friends of hers, that I DID send to my buddies but then never deleted. And a few of the old e-mails I had in there were from a female friend of mine who my wife always suspected I had a thing for. This friend had also sent me pics (nothing bad) and me having those was NOT good. Ugh... I know. I'm an idiot. :bag:
I don't think this is really stupid behavior. If your women can't understand that men like to look at hot women then she must have some deep insecurity.
Well I tend to feel that way too. I don't think my behavior is really any different than "normal" guy behavior. And it always bothered me that she just didn't/wouldn't accept that and just let me be a guy. Because that's what I am. We talked about it several times, and came to an understanding of where the line kind of was between me being a guy and me going too far (e.g. me glancing at a hot chick vs. me turning all the way around and following her with my gaze). I admit, she had a few good points and once we got a few things like that straight, things got a little better.She hated the FFA and the things I would read in here. I guess she saw it as a bad influence, plus she didn't like the things I would write. I tried to explain to her that it was just guys being guys and "guy talk" and all that, but it was a point of contention for sure.She definitely is insecure, which drives me nuts because she is beautiful and sexy. But I call my behavior stupid because I probably didn't take her feelings enough into account, or I mainly just brushed them off as her acting stupid/crazy. That was something I constantly struggled with, how to balance her feelings vs. me giving in to her unreason. And I don't think I ever really found a sweet spot. I'm not sure there was one.

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Sounds to me like either she has some sort of psychological issues or she has valid reasons to suspect you which you haven't told us about.

Either way...good luck.

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Not sure what the appropriate response is supposed to be here.

Please choose one of the following.

[*]Congratulations

[*]Sorry

[*]Good luck

[*]Things will get better

[*]Hey, how 'bout that

[*]Ron Paul

[*]7

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Sounds to me like either she has some sort of psychological issues or she has valid reasons to suspect you which you haven't told us about.Either way...good luck.

I haven't always acted appropriately (flirting with her friends or something of that nature) but I really think it was mostly from her end. I've never had those kinds of problems before in a relationship, although I've never been married or lived with someone before either.RE: being a guy. We were at the grocery store one time and some large woman walked in front me. I glanced at her ### and she got mad about it and later on accused me of liking fat chicks because I'm always looking at their ###es. I said "Baby. The oldest, fattest, ugliest woman on Earth could walk in front of me, and I'm going to look at her ###. That doesn't mean I want to. It doesn't mean that I enjoy it. It's just going to happen."

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So I was living the single life again, and it was nice. Thank God it was football season and I could spend my entire week and weekend immersed in all things football. All the football, pron, and chica hunting I could handle. Ended up having to go to Nevada for work on short notice the end of October and spent two weeks in Las Vegas and Reno. Worked a lot, but it was a great trip and a nice diversion. My last night there I was in the piano bar at New York, New York and noticed an attractive woman across the bar with her friends. The bar was split into two sides, with me being on one side in the piano bar and her actually sitting outside the piano bar in the casino area. Made a little eye contact, smiling, etc. then after a while she sort of started singing in my general direction while she and her friends were all singing some good song the piano guys were playing. So at one point I saw her get up and say something to her friends, and then take off out into the casino. Two minutes later, she was standing next to me at the bar, tapping me on the shoulder. She said “I just had to come over here and tell you that you are very handsome, and I (raising her left hand) am very married.” But it was a nice shot for the ego if nothing else, and I ended up hanging out with her and her friends for a couple of hours and had a good time. After they left, a couple of Canadian girls started talking to me and I ended up drinking with them at another bar inside the hotel until the wee hours. I ended up having such a good time my last night there that I decided that I’d use the extra money I had earned working out there to take a vacation. But where to…?

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She hated the FFA and the things I would read in here. I guess she saw it as a bad influence, plus she didn't like the things I would write. I tried to explain to her that it was just guys being guys and "guy talk" and all that, but it was a point of contention for sure.

This is kind of an aside which I thought to post the other day--and I hope worth saying: I'm a walking talking advertisement for these forums. Obviously for football, of course, but also for news (we get breaking news and human interest stories here faster than CNN or MSN), technical opinions on anything and everything; legal advice, moving/travel recommendations, recipes, personal issues, business startups....pretty much a fountain of knowledge in just about any field one can imagine. The relationships which develop here can be every bit as sincere and meaningful as those face-to-face where we live. Even friends of mine who don't frequent these boards--even my wife, in fact--will ask me to check in for some random question they may have. I can understand why it's not for everybody just like my friends understand that Facebook, or chatrooms or the like are not for me--but the concept that this place might be a 'bad influence' is easily dispelled.Shoot--all I have to do is brag about how this place enabled me to finally quit smoking after 40 years--my family encourages me checking in! Sorry for the hijack, and glad things are well with you. :coffee:

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So, whatever happened after Ving Rhames shot your weiner off?

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She hated the FFA and the things I would read in here. I guess she saw it as a bad influence, plus she didn't like the things I would write. I tried to explain to her that it was just guys being guys and "guy talk" and all that, but it was a point of contention for sure.

This is kind of an aside which I thought to post the other day--and I hope worth saying: I'm a walking talking advertisement for these forums. Obviously for football, of course, but also for news (we get breaking news and human interest stories here faster than CNN or MSN), technical opinions on anything and everything; legal advice, moving/travel recommendations, recipes, personal issues, business startups....pretty much a fountain of knowledge in just about any field one can imagine. The relationships which develop here can be every bit as sincere and meaningful as those face-to-face where we live. Even friends of mine who don't frequent these boards--even my wife, in fact--will ask me to check in for some random question they may have. I can understand why it's not for everybody just like my friends understand that Facebook, or chatrooms or the like are not for me--but the concept that this place might be a 'bad influence' is easily dispelled.Shoot--all I have to do is brag about how this place enabled me to finally quit smoking after 40 years--my family encourages me checking in! Sorry for the hijack, and glad things are well with you. :coffee:
Definitely worth saying, and I think it's spot on. But I guess I spend a lot of time in the hot chick threads. Then there was the thread I started about the hot waitress who my wife hated. So she wasn't too happy about that one when she came across it. Not to mention when she found the pics I had nabbed of said waitress off of facebook. :bag:

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So it was really no question where I was going to go. My wife is from Colombia, and I had wanted to go down there solo for a very long time to see what sort of damage I could do. I’ve never been overly successful when it comes to women here, but when I head south all bets are off. I discovered latinas back in 1999 when I went to Mexico for work for the first time, and I have been hooked ever since. Have been to Mexico, Peru, and Colombia. We can get into a big philosophical discussion about women from other countries, but all I know is that I like them and they like me.

Since the end of last summer I had been cruising a couple of Latin chat rooms, and had made quite a few connections. I’d received numerous invitations to visit, from Mexico to Argentina, from ages 18 to 45 (I’m 40 years old). So for my first trip I wanted to stick with someplace I knew and was somewhat comfortable with. One of my amigas, 31-year old Mary, was from a town about 2 hours from Cartagena, so I asked her if she could meet me there for a few days. I’d been there twice before, so felt fairly good about it. It’s pretty touristy and safe. She agreed and I started putting together my trip for the week of Thanksgiving.

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So this whole time I had been separated, my wife and I were talking pretty regularly. It started out every day, then went to every other day, and eventually I worked it down to once or twice a week. Her life was pretty much a mess. She was in Colombia, busy partying with her cousins and friends, spending all her money on that and paying her family’s bills, and asking me to advance her money (as part of the separation agreement I agreed to pay monthly support for a while). She half-heartedly looked into going to school and found reasons to turn down a decent job offer she received. I felt crappy about the whole situation, and just hoped that eventually she would get her head straight (obviously, she is a very emotional person).

So one night right after I got back from Nevada (early November), and as I was planning my vacation, she called me. She said that she understood now that she needed a job and that she had to get her crap together and start moving forward. She asked me if I could do her a favor (insert chill up spine) and let her come back to the house for a couple of months. She wanted to go into the Air Force, and planned to work a bunch and save money, while preparing for the ASVAB (military entrance test). She would stay in one of the other bedrooms and take care of the house in return for me letting her stay there, as well as help with the bills.

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So this whole time I had been separated, my wife and I were talking pretty regularly. It started out every day, then went to every other day, and eventually I worked it down to once or twice a week. Her life was pretty much a mess. She was in Colombia, busy partying with her cousins and friends, spending all her money on that and paying her family’s bills, and asking me to advance her money (as part of the separation agreement I agreed to pay monthly support for a while). She half-heartedly looked into going to school and found reasons to turn down a decent job offer she received. I felt crappy about the whole situation, and just hoped that eventually she would get her head straight (obviously, she is a very emotional person).So one night right after I got back from Nevada (early November), and as I was planning my vacation, she called me. She said that she understood now that she needed a job and that she had to get her crap together and start moving forward. She asked me if I could do her a favor (insert chill up spine) and let her come back to the house for a couple of months. She wanted to go into the Air Force, and planned to work a bunch and save money, while preparing for the ASVAB (military entrance test). She would stay in one of the other bedrooms and take care of the house in return for me letting her stay there, as well as help with the bills.

Separated but living together. What could possibly go wrong?

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I realize this isn't nearly as interesting as it would have been in real time...

We talked about it for a while and I told her to let me think about it a few days. All the reasoning she had given me was sound, and made sense given her situation. But I was worried that she was just trying to figure out a way to get back into the house. The decision to separate had been mine, and she had basically been miserable the whole time since she had gone. She had called me a lot, asked me a lot about what was going on, if there was any chance for us, etc. So I was worried about all of that. The other thing that bothered me was that I was planning to go on vacation, to Colombia (probably an hour or so from where she was), and I just wasn’t sure how to handle that with her. I was planning to be gone about 9 days and she had been calling me frequently enough that I wouldn’t be able to just disappear for that time without her being suspicious of something. I know I shouldn’t have cared, but I did, and I didn’t want to hurt her for 1.) being so close to her and her family without going to see them and 2.) she knows me well enough to know why I would be traveling alone to Colombia. Plus, if I was going to let her come stay with me for a while all of that might cause some serious issues.

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