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Story Time with EG - ***OFFICIAL THREAD*** (The "Magnum Opus" is complete 5/17/18) (1 Viewer)

Evilgrin 72 said:
Part 3 - Sunday

Just then, I went from Defcon 4 to Defcon 2 and realized I needed the toilet even more urgently than I needed water.  Again, I was thankful he opened the door when he did or I might have #### in the hallway or elevator trying to get back downstairs.  As I ran to the bathroom, I heard Beef say : "Oh man, you're going in there?  I busted that place up - sorry.  I think it was the Kansas City steak and eggs..."

I ran into the bathroom and slammed the door and was nearly choked by the stench.  It remains, to this day, the worst-smelling dump I have encountered in 45 years on the planet.  It was truly indescribable - so rank and so THICK, it was like the fecal cloud was hanging in the bathroom like the stifling humidity of a hot summer day in Florida.  I sat down on the toilet just in time as my insides dumped about 2 gallons of liquid through my ### in about 30 seconds.  It was Harry Dunne in Dumb & Dumber on steroids.  I was holding my breath, trying not to catch wind of the new melange of #### stink that was being created in the bathroom when I accidentally let my guard down for a split second and breathed in through my nose.  My stomach immediately flipped and I had just enough time to lean sideways and get the arc of vomit into the bathtub rather than all over the floor.  My rump was continuing its assault unabated as well, and the balancing act was difficult to maintain.  I could hear Beef laughing maniacally outside the door as the after-effects of his own expulsion were causing this nightmarish cacophony ringing through the suite from inside the bathroom.  By now, Yams had also awakened and I could hear Beef apprising him of the events of the last 10 minutes as I continued to noisily expel fluid from both ends simultaneously.  The two of these ##### are practically choking with laughter as I am literally choking in my own personal hell.
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:lmao: :lmao: I'm dead...

 
Listening to your stories is a lot like watching Breaking Bad.  Impeccable story telling with top notch acting, both from the main character and supporting actors. 

And I find myself pulling for the main character even if a lot of his actions make him a dirtbag.

 
Evilgrin 72 said:
2001 EG and cheap tequila did not get along well.  We did once, but a night of such excess that I woke up in the neighbors' shrubs, covered with vomit, soured me on tequila for many years in general (specifically, it was Ole.)  The second my taste buds registered what liquor this was, my stomach turned completely over in a flash.
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New trivia question to weed out a real FBG from a poser: Kryptonite is to Superman as _________ is to EG

EG...your stories are pure GOLD!  :tebow:

 
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Evilgrin 72 said:
I met a bunch of Murray's friends who were popping in and out between runs to the tables, and started in on the bloody mary barrage.  These guys were fresh as daisies and I knew the only way I could get back to normal was to wallop as many of these as I could in short order to whip the hangover into submission.
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This is Pro level advice. I always had good staying power BUT once the lever tipped there wasn't any thought to drink more as a means to "whip the hangover into submission."

 
Evilgrin 72 said:
The people I was sharing the suite with were dismayed to get a knock on the door at 2 AM and swing the door open to find your old pal EG, unconscious and slumped over, being CARRIED into the room by two uniformed police officers. It remains one of the 5 drunkest nights of my life.
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:lmao:  

 
Ned said:
:lmao:  
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That same night, I gave my car keys to my wedding date without remembering.  She was tired of watching me go shot-for-shot with a 450 pound Samoan and wanted to go home, so I threw her the keys and told her to get lost.  She did.  The next morning, I had no idea where my date or my car was and didn't even care much.  None of the people I was sharing the suite with was at that particular after-party (there were about 8 of them going on all over the resort) so no-one knew I'd given her the keys.  I got a ride back to SLC and crashed for about 12 hours.  When I woke up, the car was back in my driveway and the keys were back in the house.  It was a week later before I even found out what happened or how it got there.

 
Evilgrin 72 said:
That same night, I gave my car keys to my wedding date without remembering.  She was tired of watching me go shot-for-shot with a 450 pound Samoan and wanted to go home, so I threw her the keys and told her to get lost.  She did.  The next morning, I had no idea where my date or my car was and didn't even care much.  None of the people I was sharing the suite with was at that particular after-party (there were about 8 of them going on all over the resort) so no-one knew I'd given her the keys.  I got a ride back to SLC and crashed for about 12 hours.  When I woke up, the car was back in my driveway and the keys were back in the house.  It was a week later before I even found out what happened or how it got there.
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:lmao:

The mental image of you wiping some of the most recent shot off your mouth with your sleeve as you simultaneously toss her the keys and to get lost made me snort.

:lmao:  

 
Ned said:
:lmao:

The mental image of you wiping some of the most recent shot off your mouth with your sleeve as you simultaneously toss her the keys and to get lost made me snort.

:lmao:  
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She was an Offdee 9 too.  I really blew that one.

 
Johnny Rock said:
EG, my wife wants to move to FL. Serious question. Any of your neighbors selling? 
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:lmao:

Not at the moment.  I found a pretty good little nook in central FL that's on the rise currently, tons of new high-end development, virtually no crime, 10 minute drive to the beach.  Home prices are just starting to skyrocket, so people are holding onto their houses like grim death.

 
Frostillicus said:
Oh goodness.
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She had (dyed) strawberry blonde hair and was about 5' 10" and maybe 120 pounds with what had to be 2% body fat. Did a bit of modeling as a teen. The bachelor party crew was mesmerized : "THAT'S your date?!" 

I hit it once in the back of an SUV at a drive in movie double feature (if memory serves, it was "Coyote Ugly" and "Scary Movie") and was looking forward to exploring the studio space that night. By midnight, I was throwing the keys at her so I could do shots with a guy that looked like the giant Hawaiian guy from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." 

NEVER STOP PARTYING!!! 

 
Evilgrin 72 said:
She had (dyed) strawberry blonde hair and was about 5' 10" and maybe 120 pounds with what had to be 2% body fat. Did a bit of modeling as a teen. The bachelor party crew was mesmerized : "THAT'S your date?!" 

I hit it once in the back of an SUV at a drive in movie double feature (if memory serves, it was "Coyote Ugly" and "Scary Movie") and was looking forward to exploring the studio space that night. By midnight, I was throwing the keys at her so I could do shots with a guy that looked like the giant Hawaiian guy from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." 

NEVER STOP PARTYING!!! 
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https://youtu.be/TRfwtTXiSmY

 
:lol:

I do love a good EG story, and I really needed a good belly laugh today.  Thanks for sharing. I loved this part (among others) 

 Just then, I went from Defcon 4 to Defcon 2 and realized I needed the toilet even more urgently than I needed water.  Again, I was thankful he opened the door when he did or I might have #### in the hallway or elevator trying to get back downstairs.  As I ran to the bathroom, I heard Beef say : "Oh man, you're going in there?  I busted that place up - sorry.  I think it was the Kansas City steak and eggs..."
Click to expand...

 
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Evilgrin 72 said:
Yes indeed.  I think this was right in that sweet spot.  April 21-23, 2001 was the weekend in question (I love when an event whose date can be checked online occurs during one of these stories so I can get precise dates...)
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Yeeeahhh....

There might be a story(ies) about The Freak circa 199something that I know.  But they might be incriminating...for him and myself.

 
Evilgrin 72 said:
Part 3 - Sunday

  • Finally, a few years after the events of this story, I had moved to Florida and had been living here (and posting on these boards) for years.  I'm sitting one night at Pat O'Brien's on Universal Citywalk with a couple of friends who had flown down for a weekend to hit the parks.  We're swilling hurricanes and catching up, when all of a sudden, a woman taps me on the shoulder and says : "Excuse me, but where are you from?"  I replied : "New Jersey.  Why, are you a Jersey native too?  Recognized the accent?"  She says, "No.. you're not from Utah?"  I replied : "Well, I lived in Utah for a couple of years, but now I live here in Orlando."  She says : "Do you know Murray [Redacted]?"  I replied : "YEAH !  Sure, I do, I just talked to him a couple weeks ago..."  I get cut off by a man's voice from the next table.  "I KNEW IT !!!!!  You were at his bachelor party in Vegas !!  I knew I recognized your voice !  You were the guy that chugged the Jager in the stripper's face ! (nice cover-up, dude, she was a hooker.)"  Turns out that this guy was at the bachelor party (I didn't really recognize him initially) and had been telling people the stories I told them at the dinner table at Rumjungle for years.  He was down there with his wife and 2 kids visiting Disney and Universal.  He introduced me to his friends and took pictures of us together like I was some kind of celebrity.  We talked for a few and then he headed out.  My friends from up north at our table were suitably impressed... they asked what had happened that weekend that made me "famous."  If they only knew.


THE END​
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You were such a legend to him, so intimidating, that he had to have his wife go check if it was really you... :lmao:

 
coyote5 said:
You were such a legend to him, so intimidating, that he had to have his wife go check if it was really you... :lmao:
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I always found that a bit strange. Why not just come over yourself? The worst that could have happened is that I wasn't who he thought I was. "Do you know Murray?"  "No..."  "OK, sorry..." :shrug:

 
Bonus vignette for Thanksgiving. Tell this one around the dinner table tomorrow. I thought this was already here, but realized I posted it in a different thread. 

One time, we were in St. Maarten and hanging out on the beach talking to two really attractive young ladies when I see an odd look come over Yams' face. He excuses himself and steals off into the ocean and swims pretty far out. I have no idea why or that anything is wrong. After a minute or two, the two ladies and I decide to go for a dip as well, since it was about 100 degrees outside. We begin to swim out to where Yams is, figuring he's just cooling off as well. He doesn't see us until we're about 20-30 feet away, as he was kind of facing away from us. As we draw closer, he hears us and turns his head and I see a look of horror on his face. He just starts shouting : "NO ! NO ! NO ! NO ! NO !" with metronomic consistency. I'm completely befuddled, as are our two new friends..... until...... all of a sudden, about a thousand little marble-sized turdlets start popping up all around him, followed by a brown foam. As we slowly realized what was going on, the girls started exclaiming : "Oh my God. OH MY GOD !!" I looked up and saw a mask of exasperation, hopelessness, and humiliation on his face like I have never seen before or since. The girls started slowly backing up as he starts trying to swim away from the s#itcloud, but it's following him as he moves. I'm laughing so hard I thought I was going to pass out as he's trying to escape from his own detritus, cursing it the entire time. Then, his tone turns from anger/disgust to shock/fear as he yells out : "Jesus Christ, something just swam up my bathing suit leg. Someth- what the f#ck? Dude, there's something in my suit...."

"THERE'S A FISH NIBBLING ON MY SACK !!!!"

To this day, I have no idea whether there really was a fish scoping out his beanbag, but at the time he said it, on top of how hard I was already laughing, it put me over the edge. I laughed so aggressively that I threw up in the ocean, hard. Now imagine you're these two girls. One minute you're having a conversation with two mildly attractive, fairly erudite, somewhat humorous guys. The next, one of them is spraying diarrhea like champagne in an NBA locker room after the Finals while screaming about a fish biting his scrotum, and the other is violently regurgitating fish tacos. At this point, they were swimming away from us with such vigor that Michael Phelps wouldn't have caught them.

We didn't score.

 
Evilgrin 72 said:
Bonus vignette for Thanksgiving. Tell this one around the dinner table tomorrow. I thought this was already here, but realized I posted it in a different thread. 
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Knew this was going to involve the green apple splatters the moment you mentioned "he stole off into the ocean."

Dunno if that says more about you/Yams or me.

 
5-ish Finkle said:
Knew this was going to involve the green apple splatters the moment you mentioned "he stole off into the ocean."

Dunno if that says more about you/Yams or me.
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Us, sadly. 

 
Preakness story coming soon, but in the meantime, this one is recent and hopefully good for a chuckle.  Plus, it's quick to write because I'm going to copy/paste an e-mail chain to give most of the details.

A few days before Christmas, the Ox and I went on our 6th annual Christmas round of golf.  We started this tradition back in 2012 - we go to the same golf course every year and play 18 holes for the unnamed family championship.  A few years, Yams was able to accompany us but is never a factor in who wins because he sucks even more than we do (for posterity, the Ox won in 2012 and 2016, I won in 2013, 2014, 2015, and 2017.)  This year, as in several past, our friend Sean came with us and in Yams' absence, his girlfriend Rachel played this year as well.  The one caveat with this "tournament" is that the Ox and I both have to buy and bring an 18-pack of beer with us and in order to win the title, you not only have to post the lowest score, you also have to drink the entire 18 pack over the course of the round.

We started the day at 11:00 at a Colombian restaurant near the golf course and over huge plates of bandeja paisa, we each had 3 Presidentes to start things off right.  Always a good idea when you have an 18 pack to consume over the next few hours.  After lunch, we went next door to the Winn Dixie and selected our 18-packs of choice.  Loaded up the coolers and made the short drive to the course.  Now, a word about this golf course.  It's an executive course, and it might be the s--ttiest golf course in the world.  It's roughly $18 to play 18 holes with a cart, it's barely maintained, sand "puddles" on the greens, etc.  A total abomination.  That's why we play here every year, besides being cheap, no one really cares if you're an ###hole during your round.  We would NEVER get away with our style of "play" on a real golf course, for reasons that will soon be clear.  We get there and pay the guy in the "clubhouse", who happens to be a mute.  I don't want to venture a guess as to what his story is or why he can't talk, but he can't.  He looked just like the guy in the wheelchair that switches on the ball return in "Kingpin" when the hustlers take Woody's hand off, if you know the movie.  Anyway, we pay him, get the keys to the carts, load them up with beer and the clubs and head to the first tee.

Things are relatively uneventful until we get to about the 5th or 6th hole.  The Ox has a gleam in his eye as he pulls out the "treat" he brought with him, a pint flask of Code Rum (local FL artisanal rum, kind of like Captain Morgan but with more spice - 70 proof.)  I groan in fear just before I take a lengthy pull. 

8th hole - the Ox recommends shotgunning a beer so we can keep our 18 beers/18 holes pace up.  I naturally agree.

9th hole - another looooooong pull of rum.

10th hole - an older guy on a cart pulls up to the tee as we're sitting there.  I'm pissing in the trees just off the tee box as the Ox, Sean, and Rachel are smoking a huge bowl.  He asks to play through, which is hard to hear over Slayer's "Raining Blood" BLASTING through the bluetooth speaker we have hooked to our cart.  He looks at us like we're aliens as I look at him and wonder why he chose to play THIS golf course.  He plays through and gets the hell out of there, FAST.

12th hole - we finish the rum and shotgun another beer.  Things are beginning to get very, very hazy.

15th hole - around here is where I black out entirely.  I literally don't remember finishing the 18 packs (we did) or the round (we also did.)  The next thing I remember after playing the 14th was waking up in the car and being in my driveway at home.  I stumbled into the house, put all my crap away and passed out cold.

The next day, this was the e-mail chain (reformatted and names expurgated)

Rachel : "I had so much fun yesterday guys, thanks for letting me be a part of it!"

EG : "No problem, it was great to have you. Glad you had fun.  I don't remember #### after about the 14th hole until I woke up in the front seat sitting in my driveway.  Somehow, my clubs, sunglasses, speaker and cooler all made it back safely.  I even put the speaker on the USB charger, I was clearly running on autopilot."

Sean : "Does the speaker still work OK?"

EG : "What do you mean?"

Sean : "Holy ####, you don't remember your cart shenanigans?"

Ox : "Oh man, it's all coming back to me, now.  Didn't we drive over a car stopper in the parking lot?"

Sean : "Yep.  At full speed. [EG,] you don't remember this?"

EG : "Not at all, but I just checked and the speaker works fine.  What the hell happened?"

Sean : "Holy ####, dude.  You were driving the cart right after we finished and [Ox] was in the passenger seat.  You were doing laps around the parking lot and chugging beer where there were no lights and drove over the concrete spot divider at full speed.  Seriously, you had to be going almost 30 and BOOM.  EVerything flew out of the cart except you and [Ox] - the speaker, the clubs, the cooler with no beer left in it, your sunglasses, balls, tees.  It was brutal."

Ox : "HAHAHAHAHAHA - nice work, [EG].  I only sort of remember."

EG : "I have absolutely no memory of this.  I blame the rum, and the fact that the parking lot lighting was inadequate.  Also, the cart may have been malfunctioning.  Basically, I blame everything except myself."

Rachel : "OMG, I can't believe you don't remember.  You guys kill me.  It was legit the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.  You tried to start doing laps again after and the guy from the clubhouse that can't talk jumped into the cart after [Ox] got out.  He was so pissed and then you just looked over at him and went 'Oh, OK.  Hi.  Merry Christmas' and then stomped on the gas again and took off with him in it. So fkn funny"

EG : "At least he can't tell anyone about it."

Sean : "He was SO mad.  He just kept pointing to that fenced-in paddock where they keep all the carts and gesturing to you to drive there.  I was right behind you on the other cart.  He just kept pointing in that direction and then you asked him if you could smell the inside of his hat.  I almost died."

EG : "Jesus Christ.  I have literally zero recollection of any of this."

Rachel : "Then, the manager or whatever of the golf course came out and started yelling.  He asked you your name and you gave hima  fake name."

Sean : "You were doing Jerky Boys, you told him your name was Frank Rizzo.  He wrote it down and then was trying to ask you something else, but you kept yelling out a phone number.  He kept opening his mouth to yell at you and you would yell louder '6-8-0-5 !!!!!'  He finally gave up but its probably good that we aren't going there for another year."

Ox : "Damn I wish I could remember any of this"

EG : "I'm kind of glad I don't.  NEVER STOP PARTYING !!!!"

Ox : "Hahaha - Chainsaw!"

Yes, I'm 45 years old.

 
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