Hastur
Footballguy
Based on a true story from this morning:
Ralph was an ordinary deer, leading an ordinary life. Boring, really. He got very good at avoiding hunters, but he chaulked that up to just surviving. He wanted to LIVE. Be someone. Make a difference! He was 'this close' to voting for Bernie!!!
All the deer in his family have spoken about Vincent. Vincent the brave. What garbage. It isn't brave to purposely run in front of cars. It sounded stupid. Ralphs father said Vincent was always a rebel. From the time he got the .306 bullet tattoo when he was just a young buck, he lived life a bit different than all the others. Not like the family embarrassment Rudolph though. He would hear his friends tell stories about Vincent, glorify his actions. The trees whispered he was immortal. Ralph wanted what Vincent had.
So Ralph decided to take on a car. Just like Vincent. He announced his intentions to his friends, who mocked him and said he was crazy. Nobody could be like Vincent. Ralph felt a rush of adrenelin as he practically screamed "I'M GOING TO TAKE ON A CAR, AND I'M GOING TO WIN". There was no going back now. If he didn't do it, he would hear about it the rest of his miserable life.
Ralph begged the sun to stop. Sunrise can wait. There is no rush. The sun, however, wanted to watch Ralph. Everyone wanted to watch Ralph. The entire herd wanted to watch Ralph it seemed. Dammit. 30 minutes later, and Ralph was standing in a grove of trees with his friends. They would shout out a car was coming, and Ralph found an excuse to avoid that car. It was too new. It was white, and would ruin the paint job. No BMW's. Finally, a call came from John near the road. A damaged car is coming! It's already damaged! It looks like it hit a truck already! "Ralph", John called, "You should hit this car! It's perfect"!
Ralph wished John would shut up. Ralph looked up the road, and saw the car. It was damaged alright. He couldn't understand how it still worked. "Now or never, I suppose".
He ran. Ran much faster than he wanted to. He was excited, but it was a bad excited. His heart was making a game of trying to go faster than his legs. He wished his legs would stop playing the game, but they kept pumping. He could hear his friends cheering him on. "I hate them" he thought. "This is so dumb. I am so dumb. I'm going to send all the hunters directions to Vincents house. That'll show 'em."
5 seconds to impact: The car was coming closer. He could see the drivers face. The driver seemed to be talking to someone in the back seat. Ralph couldn't make out who was in the back seat, but he hoped it was someone with a camera. He could really use $10,000.
4 seconds to impact: Two kids were in the back seat. Oh, great.
3 seconds to impact: Nobody in the car saw him yet. So far, so good. He imagined surprise was the best route. In the back of his mind, he heard John calling out last minute instructions. "Don't stop, Ralph! Keep running after you hit the car!"
2 seconds to impact: The driver spotted him! Damn, it's too early, Ralph thought. "I'm going to have to run faster!"
1 second to impact: It is now obvious the kids spotted Ralph. Ralph could see the little girl screaming for her Daddy to not hit the deer. lol....like it was the drivers decision! Didn't she know the driver is never in the decision making process? The boy in the back seat, his fingers smelling of cream cheese and monopoly money, asked his daddy to swerve! The driver practically stood on his breaks.
.5 seconds to impact: Ralph wanted to start the day over. He realized he should have gone over and gotten advice from Vincent. Too late now.
.001 seconds to impact: The car looked so big up close, Ralph thought. Stupid Vincent.
.00003 seconds to impact: "...Daddy..."
1 second after impact: Stupid Vincent.
1.5 seconds after impact: Ralph was surprised at the lack of pain as he bounded away. He could hear his friends hollering his name, how he was just like Vincent.
2 seconds after impact: John was laughing, bragging to the rest of the friends how Ralph took out a big chunk of the right front bumper! Now the car looks even worse. The friends couldn't understand how the car continued to work.
3 seconds after impact: Ralph could hear the kids in the car cheering, and thanked their Daddy for not 'killing the poor deer'. "Are you kidding me", thought Ralph. Such arrogance.
4 seconds after impact: Ralph decided he didn't want to be like Vincent. Vincent had his life, and that was great. Ralph needed to find his own calling though. Something that suited Ralph better. Something original.
5 seconds after impact: "A truck. Yes, I think I will take on a truck. Vincent who"?
Ralph was an ordinary deer, leading an ordinary life. Boring, really. He got very good at avoiding hunters, but he chaulked that up to just surviving. He wanted to LIVE. Be someone. Make a difference! He was 'this close' to voting for Bernie!!!
All the deer in his family have spoken about Vincent. Vincent the brave. What garbage. It isn't brave to purposely run in front of cars. It sounded stupid. Ralphs father said Vincent was always a rebel. From the time he got the .306 bullet tattoo when he was just a young buck, he lived life a bit different than all the others. Not like the family embarrassment Rudolph though. He would hear his friends tell stories about Vincent, glorify his actions. The trees whispered he was immortal. Ralph wanted what Vincent had.
So Ralph decided to take on a car. Just like Vincent. He announced his intentions to his friends, who mocked him and said he was crazy. Nobody could be like Vincent. Ralph felt a rush of adrenelin as he practically screamed "I'M GOING TO TAKE ON A CAR, AND I'M GOING TO WIN". There was no going back now. If he didn't do it, he would hear about it the rest of his miserable life.
Ralph begged the sun to stop. Sunrise can wait. There is no rush. The sun, however, wanted to watch Ralph. Everyone wanted to watch Ralph. The entire herd wanted to watch Ralph it seemed. Dammit. 30 minutes later, and Ralph was standing in a grove of trees with his friends. They would shout out a car was coming, and Ralph found an excuse to avoid that car. It was too new. It was white, and would ruin the paint job. No BMW's. Finally, a call came from John near the road. A damaged car is coming! It's already damaged! It looks like it hit a truck already! "Ralph", John called, "You should hit this car! It's perfect"!
Ralph wished John would shut up. Ralph looked up the road, and saw the car. It was damaged alright. He couldn't understand how it still worked. "Now or never, I suppose".
He ran. Ran much faster than he wanted to. He was excited, but it was a bad excited. His heart was making a game of trying to go faster than his legs. He wished his legs would stop playing the game, but they kept pumping. He could hear his friends cheering him on. "I hate them" he thought. "This is so dumb. I am so dumb. I'm going to send all the hunters directions to Vincents house. That'll show 'em."
5 seconds to impact: The car was coming closer. He could see the drivers face. The driver seemed to be talking to someone in the back seat. Ralph couldn't make out who was in the back seat, but he hoped it was someone with a camera. He could really use $10,000.
4 seconds to impact: Two kids were in the back seat. Oh, great.
3 seconds to impact: Nobody in the car saw him yet. So far, so good. He imagined surprise was the best route. In the back of his mind, he heard John calling out last minute instructions. "Don't stop, Ralph! Keep running after you hit the car!"
2 seconds to impact: The driver spotted him! Damn, it's too early, Ralph thought. "I'm going to have to run faster!"
1 second to impact: It is now obvious the kids spotted Ralph. Ralph could see the little girl screaming for her Daddy to not hit the deer. lol....like it was the drivers decision! Didn't she know the driver is never in the decision making process? The boy in the back seat, his fingers smelling of cream cheese and monopoly money, asked his daddy to swerve! The driver practically stood on his breaks.
.5 seconds to impact: Ralph wanted to start the day over. He realized he should have gone over and gotten advice from Vincent. Too late now.
.001 seconds to impact: The car looked so big up close, Ralph thought. Stupid Vincent.
.00003 seconds to impact: "...Daddy..."
1 second after impact: Stupid Vincent.
1.5 seconds after impact: Ralph was surprised at the lack of pain as he bounded away. He could hear his friends hollering his name, how he was just like Vincent.
2 seconds after impact: John was laughing, bragging to the rest of the friends how Ralph took out a big chunk of the right front bumper! Now the car looks even worse. The friends couldn't understand how the car continued to work.
3 seconds after impact: Ralph could hear the kids in the car cheering, and thanked their Daddy for not 'killing the poor deer'. "Are you kidding me", thought Ralph. Such arrogance.
4 seconds after impact: Ralph decided he didn't want to be like Vincent. Vincent had his life, and that was great. Ralph needed to find his own calling though. Something that suited Ralph better. Something original.
5 seconds after impact: "A truck. Yes, I think I will take on a truck. Vincent who"?
