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My life after the passing of my wife - 6 years later!!! (2 Viewers)

Shady and Cheesey: I do hope that yesterday went okay for you and your loved ones. It's an odd situation indeed on Thanksgiving to feel simultaneously thankful and cheated. Do your best to find joy, and fellowship with friends and loved ones this weekend. But forgive yourself if you need to embrace your sadness. It's not a bad thing. In fact, it's part of the healing. 

 
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Well here is a development I didn't see coming.

I developed an infection on my neck.  I just assumed it was an ingrown hair and would resolve itself.  Monday before Thanksgiving my neck started getting swollen, stiff and very painful.  Tried to manage it the best I could hopioit would "pop" and resolve itself.  Went to one of these walk in non emergency facilities on Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend.  They prescribed an antibiotic, an outlined the affected area and told me go to my PCP in couple of days to see if it was getting bigger.  Well it was.  My doctor basically told me to go directly to the emergency room.

While treating the infection in the ER they discovered I was diabetic.  I was admitted to the hospital Tuesday night and am still here.

Had to surgery yesterday to drain and flush a 10cm pocket of fluid.  I had been on 2 different IV antibiotics every 8 hours since Tuesday.  After surgery they switched it to a different antibiotic, still 3 times daily.  Surgeon said as far as he's concerned I can get discharged as soon as I can be switched to oral antibiotics.

Blood sugar when I got to the ER was 440.  It's down to 170 last time it was checked (about 2 hours ago).  Trying to talk my doctor into sending me home on pills vs needles to manage the diabetes.

So I'm facing a second life changing event in the space of five months.  Trying my best to stay positive and view all of this as the change that leads to a better life (of actually living vs existing, which is what I had been doing since my wife passed).  It's going to be difficult but I have a lot of support.  Still scary as all get out.

Never a dull moment.

Cheeseypoof

 
cheeseypoof said:
Well here is a development I didn't see coming.

I developed an infection on my neck.  I just assumed it was an ingrown hair and would resolve itself.  Monday before Thanksgiving my neck started getting swollen, stiff and very painful.  Tried to manage it the best I could hopioit would "pop" and resolve itself.  Went to one of these walk in non emergency facilities on Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend.  They prescribed an antibiotic, an outlined the affected area and told me go to my PCP in couple of days to see if it was getting bigger.  Well it was.  My doctor basically told me to go directly to the emergency room.

While treating the infection in the ER they discovered I was diabetic.  I was admitted to the hospital Tuesday night and am still here.

Had to surgery yesterday to drain and flush a 10cm pocket of fluid.  I had been on 2 different IV antibiotics every 8 hours since Tuesday.  After surgery they switched it to a different antibiotic, still 3 times daily.  Surgeon said as far as he's concerned I can get discharged as soon as I can be switched to oral antibiotics.

Blood sugar when I got to the ER was 440.  It's down to 170 last time it was checked (about 2 hours ago).  Trying to talk my doctor into sending me home on pills vs needles to manage the diabetes.

So I'm facing a second life changing event in the space of five months.  Trying my best to stay positive and view all of this as the change that leads to a better life (of actually living vs existing, which is what I had been doing since my wife passed).  It's going to be difficult but I have a lot of support.  Still scary as all get out.

Never a dull moment.

Cheeseypoof
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TPW cheesey....the strength that got you this far will keep you going.

 
the advances in diabetes are exponential every year. hang in there, but don't look at it as a life sentence. and if it's needles it may throw you off at first, but you would be amazed at the number of people who inject themselves regularly. After a bit, it becomes as natural as popping a pill in your mouth

 
Good luck with the diabetes.  Mr R manages his with pills- no insulin.  It will probably take a few tries to get everything exactly right;  but once you do, it should not be too big a deal.

2016 was the big suck.  Here's to a merrier time next year.

 
So sorry to hear. Glad you got it checked and have started getting treatment. 2015 and 2016 were the suck so here's to a better 2017 for us all. Take care of yourself and best wishes. xx

 
Wow man--such a tough year for you--but on a good note--the year is almost over. Keep pushing on and keep battling through and overcoming every obstacle that comes your way!!!  Thoughts, prayers and positive vibes your way!!!

 
Ok.  Thought it was time for an update in the Cheeseypoof saga.

It's been a little over 9 months since my wife passed.  Overall I think I'm doing well.

My health is generally ok.  My diabetes (diagnosed at the end of November) seems to be under control.  My blood sugar is averaging between 105-110 (3 reading a day) and I've lost about 55 pounds since December 1st.  Mostly through dietary changes and a little exercise.

Work s going good.  Have been given supervisory and "management" responsibilities in my group.  Those 2 thing have helped to reinvigorate my attitude making it a little less of a grind mentally.

My son is good.  He just earned his associates degree from culinary school and has matriculated into the bachelors program.  Should graduate in July of next year.

Starting to get to the point where I'm looking for companionship/relationship.  I mentioned earlier in the thread that I joined Match.com. Went on 1 "date" way back in November.  She was a nice woman, but I quickly came to the realization that it was way to soon (it was around 20 weeks).  After that I just didn't bother, although I kept my account active.  

I think I may have an opportunity to pursue a potential relationship with a friend that I've known for a long time.  She currently is in a relationship with a guy.  They are living together in her house but based upon what she told me last week, she is very dissatisfied with the relationship and is thinking of ending it.  I've convinced myself that if she does break up with him I'm going to pursue a relationship.  We've know each other for almost 28 years (we used to work together, she was in our wedding and we were in hers, etc.).  From my perspective we've always had a very solid friendship, even if we didn't see each other very frequently, when we did it was always very natural.  I've always been attracted to her but we've never been single and unattached at the same time.  We had dinner last week where she related her issues with her current relationship.  The tone and vibe I got from the discussion was just different than previous talks we've had (it's not really quantifiable, just seemed different to me).  So I've been wrestling with many emotions over the past week (is it too soon, am I disrespecting my wife if I pursue this, what will other people think, and I reading to much into what's going on because I want ti, etc.)  I've convinced myself to go for it if the opportunity arises and she breaks up with the current guy.  Ultimately it came down to what have I got to lose.  I'm no worse off than I am now if she says no.  So I'm trying to be patient while she sorts through her own relationship issues.  I'm cautiously optimistic that this will work out in my favor, but still trying to remain realistic.  Of course the pace of this may make Nathan R. Jessup's Marissa thread seem like speed dating.  LOL

Thanks,

Cheeseypoof

 
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cheeseypoof said:
That's the plan.  She has to break up with him, and he has to be gone from her house, before I'd start a relationship (assuming she's amenable).  Don't need that mess in my life!
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I'm assuming you're past the hookers and cocaine phase to start thinking about a potential long term relationship?

Glad to here things are moving in the right direction for you. 

 
comfortably numb said:
I'm assuming you're past the hookers and cocaine phase to start thinking about a potential long term relationship?

Glad to here things are moving in the right direction for you. 
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Hookers and blow ain't my style.  Yes long term relationship with a foundation in friendship is my MO.

 
bananafish said:
Better rap lyric.

Good luck with the new/old girl, Cheesy. Nine months seems about right for mourning and recovery. Also, congrats on the weight loss and your son's accomplishments...things are looking up!
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The wussifaction of America continues.

In my day a rap lyric would have included a gak getting pulled a caps being busted

 
Oh yay! So happy to read you are doing well. Never rush the dating thing or analyse it so much. It'll work out if it's meant to be. Just go with the flow. Good attitude that if it doesn't work out you are only back where you are now, which is doing well with your son. Sending positive thoughts and continued success in all aspects of your life. xx

 
[scooter] said:
cheesy, if you don't mind a piece of advice: don't get involved with this lady until she breaks up with her boyfriend.
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This.  It's very important.  And there's no disrespect to your wife, either.  I hardly think such a stand-up gal would want you to be alone.

 
bananafish said:
I phrased that poorly, you're right. I didn't mean that in the sense that his mourning and recovery were over (if it ever is), just that it didn't seem "too soon" to be looking for another potential relationship.

For example, one of my best friends died from MS last year and his widow, after about 10 months, recently started dating again. She was worried that I (and society in general) would think it was too early to be looking for a new partner. I thought it was entirely appropriate and am happy for her, as are our mutual friends. I think Cheesy had the same worries and I was trying to alleviate them. I wasn't trying to judge how long one should mourn and my apologies if it came off that way.
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Yes exactly.  Thank you.  Mostly worried about family and friends (mostly her BFF's who are like my sisters.)  Everybody I've talked have basically said similar things.  It's all good in my book now.

 
The one year mark of my wife's passing is this coming Saturday.  Just posted the following on FB:

This is going to be a long post. I hope you'll read it all. I knew I wanted to write something about Courtney Ravenel Sage’s passing as the one year mark approaches on Saturday. This post, while very cathartic, is deeply personal and proved to be very difficult to compose. I wrote, and rewrote, it at least 4 times. So here goes:

As I approach the one year anniversary of Courtney’s passing this Saturday I find myself reflecting on my life. Where I was, where I am and where I’m heading. While this past year has been very difficult, it has also been extremely transformative. I recently read a poem called Grief by Gwen Flowers (most likely a meme on FB, go figure) that hit home on the process of grief. In my opinion these words perfectly describe what I’ve been going through and how I feel.

Grief  
by Gwen Flowers 

I had my own notion of grief.
I thought it was the sad time
That followed the death of someone you love.
And you had to push through it
To get to the other side.
But I'm learning there is no other side.
There is no pushing through.
But rather,
There is absorption.
Adjustment.
Acceptance.
And grief is not something you complete,
But rather, you endure.
Grief is not a task to finish
And move on,
But an element of yourself-
An alteration of your being.
A new way of seeing.
A new definition of self. 

I believe I have grown immensely as a person in the past year, probably more than I had up to that point in my life. I attribute that growth mostly to the influence Courtney had on my life over the 25 years we were together. My parents laid the foundation, but Courtney built the structure. The person she was, the strength and courage she displayed everyday and how she handled everything that life threw at her, including me as I’m not always the easiest person to deal with. She truly served as an inspiration to me. Courtney handled every setback and illness with strength, grace, dignity and determination at a level that I have never witnessed before, nor will likely witness again. I am proud I was able to accompany her on that journey. I just wish that journey had not come to an end so soon.

While I will never fully recover from her sudden and unexpected loss, I have become more appreciative of the time we had together and everything she taught me. The most important of which was the selfless capacity to love another person more than myself.

As I move forward in my life, Courtney will always be a part of who I am, and for that I am eternally grateful. Along with my parents, Courtney played the most significant role in making me who, and what, I am today, which despite my many faults, is a good, kind and decent human being (I believe so anyway). Hopefully, I continue to grow and can make her proud of the person I am becoming. I firmly believe she is sitting in heaven, along with my Mother and Father, smiling and pointing at me proclaiming: “We are responsible for the man he has become, and is still becoming.” It’s a never ending journey, and I will endeavor to continue to become a better person.

I would love to thank everybody individually that has reached out to me, or been there for me, in the past year, but there are too many and I’m afraid I would forget somebody. Trust me in that every kind word, visit, gesture, phone call, text, message or email that I recieved, no matter how big or small it seemed at the time, was greatly appreciated. You all helped me survive the dark times and, hopefully, emerge back towards the light. I am most definitely not moving on from my life with Courtney, but rather moving forward along a different path that has been laid before me. Courtney will always be apart of who I am. To forget, or deny, that would be a disservice to her, and myself. I sincerely hope you all will continue to help guide me along my new path in life wherever, and with whomever, it may be. I love and appreciate all of you: my family, Courtney’s family, my friends (both old and new, in time not age!), Courtney’s friends and ND HS Class of ‘86 (thanks for adopting me as one of your own!), our friends, the Bowling “Family”, my True Blue “Therapy” Tribe, and our D.E.P. family and coworkers. I’m sure there are others I’m forgetting. It’s not intentional. The love and support I have received has blown me away, and is a tribute to the person that Courtney was. Thank you all for everything you have done, and continue to do, for me, and Ryan Sage. We love you all. 

Courtney, I love you and miss you, always and forever. Until we meet again keep watching over Ryan and I. With all my love, Brian

This song summarizes the process I've went through over the past year. I hope you'll listen to it and enjoy it:

Tell Your Heart to Beat Again by Danny Gokey:

https://youtu.be/F77v41jbOYs

 
Beautiful and moving tribute, cheeseypoof. Saturday's a big day for my family, too, sadly. I think I'll be sharing that poem. I'll be thinking of you and your son- sending thoughts and prayers your way.

 
Very nice tribute to your wife RIP.  People like you, ham, chance, etc are what make this place great.  Glad to hear you are holding up.

 
Poke_4_Life said:
Any update on the friend @cheeseypoof?

Glad you are doing well. 
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Thanks for asking.

Yes.  Although it's moving at a pace that would make Col. Nathan R. Jessup's escapade seem like light speed.

We had dinner a few weeks ago.  She hadn't broken up the the her boy friend but was going to (and I fully believe her).  She was trying to figure out the timing.  She indicated she was going to wait until the school year ended as to not disrupt the bf's son's schooling.

At that same dinner I told her exactly how I felt about her and that I wanted to enter into a relationship with her.  She was shocked but receptive.  We've gotten together, as friends, a few times since then.  I'm trying to give her space to handle her business before crossing the line from friends to dating.  Told her I'd wait, so I'm waiting.  I touch base with her occasionally just to remind her I'm still here.  I haven't really been pushing to hard because I wanted to get past the one year mark of my wife's passing so that I had that behind me.

I am planning on reaching out again next week to see if I can get a gauge where we are in the process.

We'll see what happens but I'm optimistic.  This line in my post above was a subtle reminder to her (maybe to subtle, not sure.  LOL):  

"To forget, or deny, that would be a disservice to her, and myself. I sincerely hope you all will continue to help guide me along my new path in life wherever, and with whomever, it may be."

 
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Evilgrin 72 said:
I'd like to give you a hug Cheeseypoof. Not a Jessup hug, just a man hug. Well, maybe a Jessup hug, you never know. But definitely a regular hug. 

I can't imagine what you've been through, but I'm so glad you're at least doing all right. You and your boy are in my thoughts. 
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A regular Bro hug is just fine.  LOL  Thank you.

 
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