What's new
Fantasy Football - Footballguys Forums

Welcome to Our Forums. Once you've registered and logged in, you're primed to talk football, among other topics, with the sharpest and most experienced fantasy players on the internet.

The Great Kid Debate (1 Viewer)

T

T Love

Footballguy
Guys I figured that I'd call on the collective wisdom of the FFA to help bring clarity on our situation. I think this has been covered in the past, but I thought I'd bring it back. My wife and I are both in our late 30's and we are still unsure if we want to have kids. This is really coming to a head now and we committed to ourselves that we would finally make a decision. Neither of us have this great overwhelming feeling to have kids, which makes us very confused as it seems most people either really want kids or really don't. Most of our friends have kids and we are not anti-kid by any stretch, but we don't know if we want to head down that path. A little background...

As I said we are in our late 30's and have been together since the end of college. I think we always assumed one day that we would have kids, but there was never this gigantic pull to do so. She is an elementary school teacher (which contributes to some of the lost desire to have a kid) and I work in corporate America. Neither of us have high-demanding jobs, nor would having a kid hold us back in our careers, though having a kid would definitely put added stress on making sure that we provide a decent living for our family. We do enjoy travelling a couple of times year out of the country though it is not the backpacker trip that would definitely be anti-kid. We don't live a lifestyle that couldn't easily accommodate a kid, but aren't sure we want to give up our "freedom," both time and financial. We are both worried by not having kids that we would be missing out on this great experience and having that connection that only comes with family. I have no doubt that she would be a great mom.

Those of you in similar situations, how did you decide? Reading most of the research out there states that people without kids are happier, have better relationships with their spouses, etc.. I think if we came at this purely logically, we would decide to not have kids. There is this emotional pull though that we can't describe that I think comes with having kids, and experiencing a completely different kind of joy/love for them and seeing the world through their eyes that really can't be quantified. Let me know how you came to that decision and if you regret it. Any advice on how to attack this problem.

Thank you all in advance.

 
If you two are happy together then why change it up to have a kid?  If you two had a burning desire to have a kid then great but it sounds like both of you are hesitant to do so.  Kids definitely change the dynamics of a relationship so I would be sure that both of you want to have a kid.  Don't have a kid because that is what others do when they are married or that is "what we are supposed to do."  You two have to live life how each of you define it and want to enjoy it, not how others do. 

 
Last edited by a moderator:
My wife and I had kind of become resigned to not having kids. We had no overwhelming desire to have one. And after trying once and a miscarriage, we figured it just wasn't going to happen. And we were fine with that. We were just starting to plan some international travels when she got pregnant again. It was hard in that moment to put all the excitement of travel aside and accept that none of that was going to happen. The pregnancy was tough on my wife, our daughter arrived about a month early, and the first few months of parenthood was rough.

But it is easily the best thing that's ever happened to me. My life has gotten better in almost every aspect since then. My daughter is the great joy of my life. I look forward to picking her up every day after work, talking to her, hanging out with her, watching her play with other kids. We bought a house in a more family-oriented neighborhood. We've only been there two years and already we feel connected to our neighbors, who are all parents. Our kids play together. We all help each other. It's so damn fulfilling that I can't imagine what we'd be doing otherwise.

So we're having another kid. Due date is early 2017. A little brother for our daughter. We're really looking forward to it. And I would never have envisioned any of this five years ago.

 
skillz said:
If you two are happy together then why change it up to have a kid?  If you two had a burning desire to have a kid then great but it sounds like both of you are hesitant to do so.  Kids definitely change the dynamics of a relationship so I would be sure that both of you want to have a kid.  Don't have a kid because that is what others do when they are married or that is "what we are supposed to do."  You two have to live life how each of you define it and want to enjoy it, not how others do. 
Click to expand...
This.

Having a kid is a massive, life-changing event - don't do it because you think you 'should', do it because you want to change your life and raise a child.

 
Similar boat here but we're a little younger. 

Kids just aren't for everyone. Don't beat yourself up and stress about what you will miss out on.

No ragrets, bro.

 
cstu said:
Horrible idea - I mostly can't stand other people's kids but love mine.
Click to expand...
Yeah, but your kids are as horrible as the one's you can't stand, you are just forced to like them.   If you can enjoy kids that are not yours, you would probably do well with your own kids.

 
Whatever you decide, both spouses have to be totally honest with one another. A married couple in my family ... the wife, after two decades of "not wanting kids" and publicly resenting "breeders" and resenting how "the world revolves around people with kids" ... she decided that she really wants kids now, says she has been wanting them all along, and that her husband coerced her into not having kids. She's in her early 40s, he still says "no kids" ... yeah, it's a mess.

 
Doug B said:
Whatever you decide, both spouses have to be totally honest with one another. A married couple in my family ... the wife, after two decades of "not wanting kids" and publicly resenting "breeders" and resenting how "the world revolves around people with kids" ... she decided that she really wants kids now, says she has been wanting them all along, and that her husband coerced her into not having kids. She's in her early 40s, he still says "no kids" ... yeah, it's a mess.
Click to expand...
Not cool. She misled him for a long time and now trying to make him out to be the bad guy. 

 
cstu said:
Having a kid is a massive, life-changing event - don't do it because you think you 'should', do it because you want to change your life and raise a child.
Click to expand...
Modern life has gotten so out of skew with biology ... seems there's more than a few couples who start pushing 50 and then start saying "OK - we're ready for kids now!" Many, many famous celebrity cases of this ... and they often famously adopt and give of their personal resources to make life good for disadvantaged orphans, and that's great. Also  ... a lot more women 45+ having healthy babies today than was medically thought possible 20 years ago -- and that's great, too.

But chasing around small kids in middle age ... no thanks :D  

 
My wife and I used to be in the same boat.  We chose to have a kid.  

My son is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I always thought that phrase has cliche, but it's really not.

Kids are a ton of work and a huge commitment....and there are times where it can weigh heavily on your marriage.

I explain it like this to my friends (granted I only have 1 and he's ~17months).  Being a parent sucks about 95% of the time.  But that 5% where it doesn't suck is so unbelievably awesome and filled with love that the 95% does not matter.  And that love changes you...for the better.  Trust me on that one.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
pantagrapher said:
Not true.
Click to expand...
I also do not agree.  I fought my wife pretty hard for a few years not to have kids.  I was the oldest of five and helped raise my brothers and sisters so I didn't feel a need to have my own.  Then one day she was pregnant.  As soon as my son came out of the womb I was in love.  Why had I waited so long?  

To the OP, it will be somewhat easy for you to continue on in life without kids.  You don't know what it feels like on the other side and therefore can't imagine what you're missing out on.  However, if you do decide to have kids, I would be very surprised to hear that you regret that decision.  Children really do give us a higher purpose in life.  

 
It is life changing to have a kid. What kind of life do you want to have? Only you can answer that question, not a bunch of dudes on a message board. 

 
Married 21 years, neither of us ever had any desire to have kids and I'm glad we never did. We're happier now than we've ever been and haven't had even the slightest argument in over 10 years. No stress, financially secure and loving life. I look forward to seeing my wife every day and always look forward to the weekends hanging out with her.  

 
Angry Beavers said:
It is life changing to have a kid. What kind of life do you want to have? Only you can answer that question, not a bunch of dudes on a message board. 
Click to expand...
This.

You cannot have a kid because you think you might be missing out on some kid fun, either.  

Does your wife have the urge?  Most women that I know that want to have kids, they WANT TO HAVE KIDS, and that's all there is to it.  If she is no tin that frame of mind, then heck no, don't do it.  

 
Kids are great. I never knew how much I wanted one until I became a dad. I waited until I was 40 before starting a family because I was worried about what you mentioned. Finding the "right time" and just kept putting it all off somehow. When my son was born, it changed me and my life. It'ss stressful, sure, but it's made me happier. I love kids and can't believe I waited this long. It's like "The Wizard of Oz" when the movie switches from black and white to Technicolor. A lot of what Pantagrapher mentioned, those simple everyday moments, are the best part of my day.

 
IMO you're more likely to be 60 years old and wish you did have kids than 60 years old and wish you didn't.

 
There is no wrong answer. Do what makes you feel happy and fulfilled in life.

If that means no children. Awesome. I hate seeing bad/regretful parents. Don't do it out of some sort of social/family pressure or obligation. Do it because you want to have your own children.

Like many have said....there is truly nothing like the love you have for your own child. As much as I love my wife (we have been together now 20 years) the love I have for our son is of the highest order. No love on this earth is more powerful and greater. It's amazing.

But you need to want to have that love because being a parent is the greatest, most challenging responsibility you will ever have bar none. And without question the most life fulfilling thing you will ever do. But you're not missing out if you don't know what it is in the first place. I am sure we would have been just fine without children...but I am so happy we both wanted one. 

You must be a team and both really want to have children for it to be a truly empowering and rewarding experience. Raising a child bring so many other variables and family dynamics into your marriage that you would never have without children. You will also have a whole new social life and make new friends with children your kids age as they grow up. It's a whole new world.

Good luck in whatever choice you make. There is no wrong choice as long as you're both on the same page about it.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
Having a kid both changes a bunch of things and changes nothing. 

Like you, I was ambivalent to the idea of children well into my 30s.  I had no burning desire for a child, so I figured I'd just follow my wife's lead.  She felt kind of the same way until her mid 30s, but then it became clear it was something she really wanted so we started trying.  And skipping the years of fertility crap, we had a kid 18 months ago.

I love my son.  I (normally) enjoy being around him (all toddlers can be notorious ***holes, but he's mostly OK).  But he hasn't fundamentally changed who I am.  I'm still a grouch.  I'm still too impatient.  By the same token, even though I have more responsibilities and less free time and a needy toddler insisting that I singYour Personal Penguin to him 1,000 times in a row, I'm not any MORE of a grouch or impatient.  I think I'm the same guy, and the quality of my life is probably about the same, even if the details are different. l have different goals and priorities and dreams, but I'm not obsessed on the things that I gave up, precisely because I now have different goals and priorities and dreams. 

And the same holds true for deciding not to have a kid.  If you're the type of person who harbors regrets (or your wife is) maybe you'll regret it.  But I'd wager that type of person would regret either decision.  There's always a road not taken. 

 
Last edited by a moderator:
Even if you say "we will always take vacations just the two of us" and "I promise not to let myself go", having a child will impact everything - including the parts you swore would never change.  There are a number of amazing things that come too.  I don't know anyone with children who regrets it completely.  But it changes a lot of things.  I love my children but my life is very different now that they are here.

 
Bringing new life into the world should be a big deal. Don't mess around and half-### it. Too many people don't take having children seriously and brings a community down.

Besides, being a DINK (Dual Income No Kids) is awesome.

 
Have to agree with those who said that if you aren't sure if you wanted kids, then don't have them.  For some reason, I always knew I wanted kids.  I can't imagine my life without them.  My sons being teenagers now, having a weekend with nothing to do and just be able to spend time with them is the absolute best.  I'll miss them when they eventually leave.

That said, if we had no kids, everything else being the same, my relationship with my wife would be so much better.  Biggest issues now are money (solved with no kids), and time (solved with not having to do anything for the kids).

The marriage is still pretty good though and I wouldn't trade my kids, the experience of seeing them grow, for a moderately better marriage.

 
I'd take the 'research' that concludes non-parents are happier than parents with a grain of salt. For people that are happily married, mature, well-adjusted and make a decent living,  parenthood is an amazing experience. I think the unmarried woman with 3 kids from 3 different fathers tends to skew the numbers a bit.

The bottom line is if you have your #### together and have kids you won't regret it. Guaranteed.

 
doowain said:
My wife and I used to be in the same boat.  We chose to have a kid.  

My son is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I always thought that phrase has cliche, but it's really not.

Kids are a ton of work and a huge commitment....and there are times where it can weigh heavily on your marriage.

I explain it like this to my friends (granted I only have 1 and he's ~17months).  Being a parent sucks about 95% of the time.  But that 5% where it doesn't suck is so unbelievably awesome and filled with love that the 95% does not matter.  And that love changes you...for the better.  Trust me on that one.
Click to expand...
If this is the case you're doing it wrong.

 
sublimeone said:
If this is the case you're doing it wrong.
Click to expand...
Uh, no.  Read: 17 month old.

The first 10 months are just changing diapers and trying to get the kid to sleep so you can sleep.  The last 7 months have been great, in particular the last couple (except for the occasional toddler meltdown -- usually when he's tired).  Him walking, exploring, learning new things daily....all awesome.  Him trying to imitate things I do, so cool.  He told me "night night love you" a couple weeks ago and it literally almost made me  :cry: .

I guess I should've stated that a little differently....and of course the 95% is an exaggeration.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
I'm pretty sure that having kids means you'll probably die 10 years earlier and essentially penniless.  Of course you have the teen years to look forward to, so there's that at least.   

 
jamny said:
Married 21 years, neither of us ever had any desire to have kids and I'm glad we never did. We're happier now than we've ever been and haven't had even the slightest argument in over 10 years. No stress, financially secure and loving life. I look forward to seeing my wife every day and always look forward to the weekends hanging out with her.  
Click to expand...
This is exactly us. We're in our 50's, and have no stress compared to our friends with kids.

We have awesome weekends, go on all kinds of little trips, can nap whenever, etc. No packing up and taking a huge amount of "stuff" wherever we go. 

This isn't to say kids are bad or anything. But it's something I'm glad I never did. 

 
doowain said:
Uh, no.  Read: 17 month old.

The first 10 months are just changing diapers and trying to get the kid to sleep so you can sleep.  The last 7 months have been great, in particular the last couple (except for the occasional toddler meltdown -- usually when he's tired).  Him walking, exploring, learning new things daily....all awesome.  Him trying to imitate things I do, so cool.  He told me "night night love you" a couple weeks ago and it literally almost made me  :cry: .

I guess I should've stated that a little differently....and of course the 95% is an exaggeration.
Click to expand...
Gotcha... I thought you were being serious.... didn't want to scare the guy away. I have a 2 yr old and 3 month old btw.

 
sublimeone said:
If this is the case you're doing it wrong.
Click to expand...
I agree. I'd flip, those numbers. I'd say it sucks about 5% of the time, and even then it's usually not anything horrible. It's usually seeing them hurt or sick, dealing with their defiance when you're tired, not having time to yourself, or the worst or the worst: having a nursery rhyme stuck in your head for a few days.

 
jwb said:
This is exactly us. We're in our 50's, and have no stress compared to our friends with kids.

We have awesome weekends, go on all kinds of little trips, can nap whenever, etc. No packing up and taking a huge amount of "stuff" wherever we go. 

This isn't to say kids are bad or anything. But it's something I'm glad I never did. 
Click to expand...
I'm in my early 40s.  In ten years, I'll be in the same situation as you, except I'll have grown kids (and potentially grand kids) in my life as well.

 
doowain said:
My wife and I used to be in the same boat.  We chose to have a kid.  

My son is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I always thought that phrase has cliche, but it's really not.

Kids are a ton of work and a huge commitment....and there are times where it can weigh heavily on your marriage.

I explain it like this to my friends (granted I only have 1 and he's ~17months).  Being a parent sucks about 95% of the time.  But that 5% where it doesn't suck is so unbelievably awesome and filled with love that the 95% does not matter.  And that love changes you...for the better.  Trust me on that one.
Click to expand...
I have a 2.5 year old and a 1 year old.

These statements are pretty true...  although it might only be like 75-80%...  

It's very hard on the marriage though... and that's with a stay at home mom and plenty of money..   i can't imagine what it's like for everyone else.

I love my boys.. and the moments where they are loving and cute are amazing...  but there's a lot of suck

 
Having a kid is the best choice we've ever made. Sure, there are trying times and sleepless nights but its more than worth for the good times.

 
Seems like the threads are very personal, did everyone go into a weekend bender and come out feeling guilty today?

I have a very difficult time in verbalizing my feelings about children and we are talking children not the 12-14 year olds I have all day. I do not enjoy small children but that's mostly because I cannot defend myself against their cuteness and cannot say no if they ever figure out a way to get past my outward hostility. 

But they seem to like me and that is always a problem.

If you have not had a child at this point, the likelihood that you always wanted one since you all were in college probably sounds good but likely isn't true. If your wife wanted to have your baby, believe me she would have found a way to get you to impregnate her. I'm not trying to read your wife's mind for you but on the surface it doesn't sound like she is fighting her biological clock. 

Have you all tried to babysit for a family member for even a weekend and watch the kid or kids and see how that goes? Granted that your child will be different. 

...my question for you

-Do you feel like you and your wife will do well, earn a decent chunk of money and have nobody to really leave much behind including your thoughts and ideas you would like passed down to future generations? It's ego driven but it's the reason a lot of folks have kids and especially first time in the late 30s/early 40s.

 
Riley changed me as a human being. No matter what happens she's also changing the world. As stressed out and sad as I am I'll never regret it.

 
Dentist said:
I have a 2.5 year old and a 1 year old.

These statements are pretty true...  although it might only be like 75-80%...  

It's very hard on the marriage though... and that's with a stay at home mom and plenty of money..   i can't imagine what it's like for everyone else.

I love my boys.. and the moments where they are loving and cute are amazing...  but there's a lot of suck
Click to expand...
Yeah, the 95% was an exaggeration, but I was referring to roughly the first 10 months.  Since then it's been awesome.  But those initial months....oof.

 
Dentist said:
I have a 2.5 year old and a 1 year old.

These statements are pretty true...  although it might only be like 75-80%...  

It's very hard on the marriage though... and that's with a stay at home mom and plenty of money..   i can't imagine what it's like for everyone else.

I love my boys.. and the moments where they are loving and cute are amazing...  but there's a lot of suck
Click to expand...
the suck is temporary.  Kids are only in diapers for 2 years or so, and after 6 or 7 years they can mostly entertain themselves.  At some point, they start wanting to watch better movies (i.e Star Wars vs My Little Pony) and they want to do things that are more fun (i.e kayaking vs bounce house).  They are always (and will always be) a pain in the ###, but so are most people anyways.  

you are probably a year and a half away from being done with diapers.  I'm not saying it's all downhill from there, but it gets a lot better pretty quickly.

Right now, I'm in the happy place with my kids where they can entertain themselves, fix simple meals, and are generally pretty good to have around, but not yet teenageers.  Not looking forward to that, but again, that phase is only a few years also.

 
Cliff Clavin said:
God I can't wait for this. I was ecstatic that we got ours off Paw Patrol and onto Beat Bugs. 
Click to expand...
Tablets and smartphones are a godsend. I can sit and watch baseball while she watches Daniel Tiger for an hour. We can take her out to a restaurant and not worry about meltdowns. I can't imagine that would have been true in the days before smartphones.

 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

ChiefD
First Time Sending Kid To College Panic Thread
Replies
21
Views
1K
Brunell4MVP
B
Joe Bryant
  • Poll
Are You In Favor Of Not Allowing Social Media For Young People?
4 5 6
Replies
255
Views
4K
Rich Conway
R
Anarchy99
At a loss for words . . . the vacation that never happened (apparently)
2
Replies
77
Views
2K
ghostguy123
ghostguy123

Users who are viewing this thread

Total: 2 (members: 0, guests: 2)
Top