What's new
Fantasy Football - Footballguys Forums

Welcome to Our Forums. Once you've registered and logged in, you're primed to talk football, among other topics, with the sharpest and most experienced fantasy players on the internet.

A week later, I am still crushed. The perspective of a mixed-race marriage and a loss of trust (1 Viewer)

Koya

Footballguy
I know there are a number of other threads. I don't give a ####.  I've remained mostly silent in the past week, digesting the events, understanding the calculus less of how we got here (that's fairly obvious to me, with plenty of blame to go around on both sides of the aisle).  But this morning I realized... a family who would have been at the top of my list as Godparents for my wife and I when we have children voted for Trump, and actively support him.  

And then I realized, this election went far further than politics.  It's not that I "won't be friends" with them anymore... but we obviously have hugely different views on the world. And they helped elect someone that has either actively called out and/or encouraged others to do the same while surrounding himself with others who do the same re: racism, anti-semitism, bigotry. Someone who admitted to sexually assaulting someone.  Someone who belittles those with disabilities.

But back to what really struck me... it's a week later and we see instances of hate cropping up with greater frequency than ever.  Boosted by a candidate and his supporters pushing white-nationalism and sowing the seeds of hatred and division.  As some here know, this all with my growing up the son of a Holocaust survivor who studied the rise of a man not unlike Trump in his stated beliefs and certainly approach and rhetoric.  Add to that the fact that my wife is part Latina, African American and Native American and I realize, these people literally support and helped elect someone who has put our lives and freedom, to some degree, in question.

As I stated on facebook, because i needed to emote and don't know where to go from here, on a personal level:


It's been a week since my country broke my heart. To know that nearly half of those who voted were 100% willing to support a clear bigot, racist, fraudulent conman is, honestly, scary. You may not (or may) be racist yourselves, but either way you are clearly ok with electing a President who is that, and by his own words and deeds, more. Someone who incites the worst human fears by tapping into the virulism of bigotry and division. I'm not looking to get into a back and forth on this post, it's just me emotive thoughts, I have no more energy than that. Just know that you have me thinking:

"How can I, someone in a mixed-race marriage, who wishes to have mixed-race children, ever fully trust a nation and those in it who helped elect and support someone who has purposefully singled people out by race, religion and ethnicity in the worst of ways?"

To those people, please understand that this rises above Politics. This is an affront to me, my wife, my future children. You have your reasons, I am sure. You can blame Hillary, the establishment, the lack of attention to the middle class... But please recognize and bear the responsibility for the choice to have helped make reality... an America that is less safe, less free, less equal than it was a week ago, with a direct impact on me, my family and our wellbeing. Even in the face of what some might have felt was a decision between the lesser of two evils, you chose the evil of inhumanity. In doing so, know that in all your adulation and celebration, you have done real harm to me, my family and millions like us who now are fearful of a nation that is supposed to be land of the free and home of the brave. I now question whether we are either, and moreso, what might it take to reclaim that banner?

Knowing there are those, even those close to me, who still support someone who is so clearly a bigoted racist, not to mention an admitted sexual assaulter, I honestly don't know if the bonds that have been frayed within me, bonds that extend decades in some case, can ever be truly rebuilt. After all, how could I feel safe letting my children be cared for by those who supported a bigot who has attacked their very ethnicity, encouraged others to discriminate and bully, someone who as of today is putting a white nationalist as his leading advisor?

It is a week later. I am still crushed. Not by the election, but the electorate, and especially those whom I thought shared a common ethos of decency, love and acceptance. How do we heal as a nation? We rebuild bonds, reinforce institutions, work together and find common ground. How do I heal as a human? I think to some degree, I never will. We can grow, we can learn, we can survive, evolve and thrive... but some lines, once crossed, can never again be whole. This election will forever be a demarcation whereby I recognized a lot more of this country stands against me and my family rather than for it. It is a week later. And I am still crushed.

 


 



 
Did you purposely wait until today so you can continue to say "a week later...." over and over? 
No. I waited to let the initial shock and emotion pass.  And was not intending on posting this - here and certainly in a very public space on facebook - until I realized this morning that I literally could not feel comfortable letting my children (that wife and I plan on having) having as their godparents two friends I care about dearly, one of whom I've known for over 30 years.  

I realized that my mixed-race children don't deserve to be raised in a household where, as bad a choice as Hillary may have been, they chose someone who not only stands ideologically opposed to what we believe in, but who support someone who is harming those of minority decent across the nation.  Not sure what crystalized that for me... because it's not political.  I'd have no problem with any number of Romney, Bush etc supporters caring for my children, even if we share different viewpoints on certain matters.  That's political discourse and policy.

In this case, it's a clear white-nationalist bent.  And perhaps that was the deciding factor on why I posted it today. Because Bannon? Really? You are going to be the president for "everyone" and bring the lead cheerleader for the alt-right, white-nationalist movement as your key advisor?

And then it dawned on me just what this election meant.  That I can't, by definition, look at my friends like that the same way.  As the child of a Holocaust survivor, I don't take this #### lightly.  While I don't believe these people are actively racist (that's not to say they are not, at all, but then again, to a degree we all are), they certainly care so little about people such as my wife and I, and our children, that they'd elect someone who has come out very clearly for white-nationalism and against all those who stand in the way.  

Hope that explains the timing. It's been bottled up inside and I didn't want to further alienate anyone and wanted to move forward.  But I realized that forward can never again be in the direction we once thought it was.

 
I didn't vote Trump and didn't want him president but let's quit the crap of the white persons fault.   Only 50% of white people voted and it is not like there was no way for the other side to win.  I do not understand why people voted Trump but I also understand around 50% of people didn't vote.   Minorities could have stopped this and didn't care enough too, just like the white people.   Just the facts. 

 
Last edited by a moderator:
Koya - Yes, this is a difficult time for many in situations such as yours.  I'm sorry to hear of your pain and concern.  I'd like to think that a backlash will occur against Trump, Bannon, etc.  But we'll have to wait and see ...the whole 'alt-right' movement seems to feel very empowered right now, and that is cause for concern. 

 
I didn't vote Trump and didn't want him president but let's quit the crap of the white persons fault.   Only 50% of white people voted and it is not like there was no way for the other side to win.  I do not understand why people voted Trump but I also understand around 50% of people didn't vote.   Minorities could have stop this and didn't care enough too, just like the white people.   Just the facts. 
Not disputing any of this.

All I know is a couple that I thought would be a good candidate (pun intended!) to be my children's god parents (children that will be mixed-race and Jewish) voted for and actively support a guy who has aligned himself with white-nationalism, Bannon, the KKK, pro-Nazi parties by direct association, putting them in the cabinet and his own rhetoric on the campaign trail.

How can I, in good conscience, expect them to understand and care for the needs of mixed-race, Jewish kids? When I say crushed, this is a very specific personal issue.  He was in my wedding party, a friend for 30 years.  And he supports a white-nationalist backed president without any understanding of what that means to people such as me, my wife, our future kids. 

As I said, crushed. Politics move forward.  Cutting against the very nature of my family's being is a different matter entirely.

 
Not disputing any of this.

All I know is a couple that I thought would be a good candidate (pun intended!) to be my children's god parents (children that will be mixed-race and Jewish) voted for and actively support a guy who has aligned himself with white-nationalism, Bannon, the KKK, pro-Nazi parties by direct association, putting them in the cabinet and his own rhetoric on the campaign trail.

How can I, in good conscience, expect them to understand and care for the needs of mixed-race, Jewish kids? When I say crushed, this is a very specific personal issue.  He was in my wedding party, a friend for 30 years.  And he supports a white-nationalist backed president without any understanding of what that means to people such as me, my wife, our future kids. 

As I said, crushed. Politics move forward.  Cutting against the very nature of my family's being is a different matter entirely.
You can't expect them to understand.  I would not put my kids fate in their hands.  

 
Don't know if this will help but I'd start by not taking the outcome personally.  Most of those who voted for him are not racist but are simply people who had to choose between two particularly unsavory choices.  I wasn't happy with the outcome either but I don't have the same background as you.  I am a "glass half full" person and want nothing more than for him to succeed.

 
Koya,

You are a good man.  Perhaps you can find solace, comfort, and hope in the fact that those who voted for Trump (Not me BTW) do not all support all of his statements.  Your fellow citizens are not as racist and misogynistic as Trump's worse statements spun to their outside extreme may imply.  Many who voted for Trump did so holding their nose, not fully in agreement with everything the man, in a campaign, espoused.

After this yet again divisive election trust that there is a coalition of decency and common sense larger than the vote for either candidate and that this great middle will rise up as a bulwark against extremism. We are all going to weather this event fine if we do not let our imaginations run way with us.  We are Americans, basically decent folks who mostly have underpinnings grounded in liberty.  That will rise, as it always has when needed.  The petulant anger of fools and provocateurs can distract us from our basic moorings, but it cannot untie us from those moorings.

All may not be well, but it is also not beyond repair by those of goodwill.  We Americans will remember this in due time, and sooner than feared by those temporarily losing heart.  Buck up.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
Koya - Yes, this is a difficult time for many in situations such as yours.  I'm sorry to hear of your pain and concern.  I'd like to think that a backlash will occur against Trump, Bannon, etc.  But we'll have to wait and see ...the whole 'alt-right' movement seems to feel very empowered right now, and that is cause for concern. 
Being in a mixed-marriage, I've never felt an existential threat as I have over the past week.  The emotional carnage of it hitting home, recognizing this particular couple was part and parcel to that white-nationalist empowerment is very, very difficult to come to grips with.

We will move on as a nation.  I will heal and move forward with life.

This friendship will not, and can not, ever be the same.  How can it when they stand for someone who literally stands again, and/or stand with those who are against our very being?  The reason we see more swaztikas and hate this past week.... this is the new world into which my children will be born?

Or, I suppose it was the world all along, but the support of folks like my friend have normalized that which, even a week ago, would be considered indecent and hateful.

 
I hope you disregard the people mocking your post here.  I appreciate you sharing.  You're not alone. I'd share my perspective, which is similar in some ways and different in others, but frankly I'm not comfortable doing it around here considering the way people are reacting to your post.  It sucks realizing that our country is not what we thought it was ... but frankly we were probably being too naive in thinking it could progress as it has in recent years without some sort of significant backlash.

One thing my wife and I are doing that has helped us deal with what the country has done: we are focusing our energies on our community and our city, which we still love just as much as we did a week ago. Help some local refugee charities or a shelter for victims of sexual abuse or whatever. The country that disappointed us is just one part of our identities; we're also residents of states, towns, neighborhoods and families, and focusing on that has helped me. Not that I'm abandoning national causes and politics for good of course, but there will be time for that later.

Good luck finding your peace.

 
Don't know if this will help but I'd start by not taking the outcome personally.  Most of those who voted for him are not racist but are simply people who had to choose between two particularly unsavory choices.  I wasn't happy with the outcome either but I don't have the same background as you.  I am a "glass half full" person and want nothing more than for him to succeed.
I hear you - and I'm not taking the outcome personally.  I am bemoaning the fact that one of my closest friends, racist or not, was ok electing and supporting a bigoted racist.  Personally, perhaps I could overcome that.  As far as my children? Never would I put the responsibility of their mixed-race well being in the hands of someone who is ok with the bigotry and hate that they will face in life, and, at best, is utterly unaware of the realities they will face.

Not when Bannon is being put forth and they continue with their Killary bull#### alt-right facebook posts that are thinly veiled communications of the white-nationalist inspired alt-right that quite literally threatens the well being of families like ours. 

I know these people likely voted Romney, and Bush before that... and that never changed my impression one iota.  But this?

It changes everything.  Hell, it already has.

 
Being in a mixed-marriage, I've never felt an existential threat as I have over the past week.  The emotional carnage of it hitting home, recognizing this particular couple was part and parcel to that white-nationalist empowerment is very, very difficult to come to grips with.

We will move on as a nation.  I will heal and move forward with life.

This friendship will not, and can not, ever be the same.  How can it when they stand for someone who literally stands again, and/or stand with those who are against our very being?  The reason we see more swaztikas and hate this past week.... this is the new world into which my children will be born?

Or, I suppose it was the world all along, but the support of folks like my friend have normalized that which, even a week ago, would be considered indecent and hateful.
He is your friend.  Talk to him.  His vote may not have weighed the issues you are concentrating on here.  he may have minimized the importance of some stances while concentrating on others.  through discussion you may find out his views are much the same as you always hoped and thought, its just that his weighting of views may not have appreciated how central and important certain matters are to you.  who knows, a respectful sharing of your views and your fears may clarify for this friend his own thoughts which may yet be evolving.  Regardless, I wish you and yours well today and moving forward. 

 
I hope you disregard the people mocking your post here.  I appreciate you sharing.  You're not alone. I'd share my perspective, which is similar in some ways and different in others, but frankly I'm not comfortable doing it around here considering the way people are reacting to your post.  It sucks realizing that our country is not what we thought it was ... but frankly we were probably being too naive in thinking it could progress as it has in recent years without some sort of significant backlash.

One thing my wife and I are doing that has helped us deal with what the country has done: we are focusing our energies on our community and our city, which we still love just as much as we did a week ago. Help some local refugee charities or a shelter for victims of sexual abuse or whatever. The country that disappointed us is just one part of our identities; we're also residents of states, towns, neighborhoods and families, and focusing on that has helped me. Not that I'm abandoning national causes and politics for good of course, but there will be time for that later.

Good luck finding your peace.
You take yourself way too seriously

 
Seriously your post makes me want to vomit man. 
Then leave and at the least, don't read them and don't comment.

You can disagree, but these are real fears and heart felt emotions.  Your pathetic responses lack any humanity and anything constructive.  Regardless what side of the aisle you may be on, your approach demonstrates you are clearly part of the problem, not the solution.

So do us both a favor, just stop reading my posts if they so affront you. Better yet, stop replying and go gloat in your world where people's legitimate fears and concerns don't seem to so much as matter.  

 
Then leave and at the least, don't read them and don't comment.

You can disagree, but these are real fears and heart felt emotions.  Your pathetic responses lack any humanity and anything constructive.  Regardless what side of the aisle you may be on, your approach demonstrates you are clearly part of the problem, not the solution.

So do us both a favor, just stop reading my posts if they so affront you. Better yet, stop replying and go gloat in your world where people's legitimate fears and concerns don't seem to so much as matter.  
Honest question:

What is it that you fear?  What do you think may happen?

 
Do you think just not letting my folks see my mixed-race kids is enough?  It doesn't feel like enough, I need to do more to let them know what a danger they are to my children and how even the mere mention of Grandma and Grandpa could alter their futures for the worse.  Ideas?

 
Dude. Seriously.

Get. A. Grip.
Whatever Andy.  This is my ####### thread, about how I am feeling and the real fear my wife and millions like us feel.

Want to just dismiss that, fine.  But the fact that you'd feel that way, yet still want to put out a flippant reply says more about you than it does about me. I'm just wearing my heart on my sleeve. Could not much care what the #### you all think about it.  

I wanted and needed to emote - good to see who at least can reach across, even if they differ in opinion, and have some shred of decency and compassion. Sorry that does not include you.  

 
If he's your friend, you ask him these questions and let him answer them whether his answers are satisfactory or not.  If you can't ask him tough questions like that, then I wonder why you were ever considering him as a godparent in the first place.

 
One week later, and I cannot stop laughing and smiling about this. I spend a good hour a day since looking up election night videos on YouTube watching the liberal elite lose their minds over something they don't understand. 

Not even sure which one is my favorite. CNN slowly growing glum? ABC clueless? PBS trying to remain professional? Colbert's "this is a second 9/11" decent into madness? The View looking suicidal?  MSNBC openly weeping? God, they're all so fun to watch. 

So much comeuppance. So many chickens coming home to roost. 

The liberal establishment seeing just how awful they've managed the last 8 years, all at once, could be the best thing I've seen in a long time. 

And I didn't even vote for Trump! 

This last week has been schadenfreude on overdrive. 

Thank you, America. 
Amen. It gets better every day. 

 
Koya it isn't for me to say but I'll say it anyway:  I think you are over-reacting.   A Godparent is largely an honorary title that has little or no responsibilities/duties.  

Secondly, just because someone voted for a candidate doesn't mean they support all that person stands for (and do we really know where Trump stands on anything at this point?).     Let's face it:  there were NO good candidates in this election -- even the thirdparty candidates were severely  flawed.

If you considered this couple to be good people but changed your opinion merely because they voted for Trump then I think you need to look at what kind of person you are before casting stones at others.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
Honest question:

What is it that you fear?  What do you think may happen?
1. The continued rise in racial and anti-semitic attacks that we have seen since the Trump election.  Groups clearly emboldened by a white-nationalist campaign and now, President-elect. A nation that is further divided along racial lines, because Trump fed the populace the red meat they needed to hear, without any nuance as to understanding these are cultural and economic issues, not racial ones.  

2. I honestly don't know.  But again, this post was more about the personal pain that is felt when someone who was tops on my list of potential godparents support a white-nationalist movement, when my kids are going to be mixed-race.   That just hurts so deeply it's hard to explain.

 
One week later, and I cannot stop laughing and smiling about this. I spend a good hour a day since looking up election night videos on YouTube watching the liberal elite lose their minds over something they don't understand. 

Not even sure which one is my favorite. CNN slowly growing glum? ABC clueless? PBS trying to remain professional? Colbert's "this is a second 9/11" decent into madness? The View looking suicidal?  MSNBC openly weeping? God, they're all so fun to watch. 

So much comeuppance. So many chickens coming home to roost. 

The liberal establishment seeing just how awful they've managed the last 8 years, all at once, could be the best thing I've seen in a long time. 

And I didn't even vote for Trump! 

This last week has been schadenfreude on overdrive. 

Thank you, America. 
I appreciate your sentiment.  I suggest, and I know my advice here is unsolicited, that gloating is unseemly and unproductive.  Behavior such as yours will do nothing to heal the divides we have now, and frankly this country cannot afford four more years of being divided against itself.  We have endured, but have not thrived over the last few decades because we fight ourselves. We need a coalition of basic consensus.  if we move forward as nearly one we can accomplish much.  if we continue to thwart each other then we will wallow, decay, and decline. 

 
Whatever Andy.  This is my ####### thread, about how I am feeling and the real fear my wife and millions like us feel.

Want to just dismiss that, fine.  But the fact that you'd feel that way, yet still want to put out a flippant reply says more about you than it does about me. I'm just wearing my heart on my sleeve. Could not much care what the #### you all think about it.  

I wanted and needed to emote - good to see who at least can reach across, even if they differ in opinion, and have some shred of decency and compassion. Sorry that does not include you.  
I AM reaching across. You are having an unhealthy overreaction to the election.

 And it's not just your own feelings you're expressing here. You're casting aspersions that are divorced from reality. So you should expect some pushback if you're going to repeatedly verbally poke people in the chest.

 
If he's your friend, you ask him these questions and let him answer them whether his answers are satisfactory or not.  If you can't ask him tough questions like that, then I wonder why you were ever considering him as a godparent in the first place.
We've had discussions before. We've agreed to disagree... but he never before actively supported a ####### white-nationalist campaign.  Some things can't be "explained" away.  

We will still be friends and I hope over time can rebuild those bonds.  But someone who made the judgements he and his wife has, as I've seen over the past months, is not someone I can trust with my mixed-race kids. Is that so hard to understand? Certainly not while Bannon is appointed and they are still supportive.

 
I hear you - and I'm not taking the outcome personally.  I am bemoaning the fact that one of my closest friends, racist or not, was ok electing and supporting a bigoted racist.  Personally, perhaps I could overcome that.  As far as my children? Never would I put the responsibility of their mixed-race well being in the hands of someone who is ok with the bigotry and hate that they will face in life, and, at best, is utterly unaware of the realities they will face.

Not when Bannon is being put forth and they continue with their Killary bull#### alt-right facebook posts that are thinly veiled communications of the white-nationalist inspired alt-right that quite literally threatens the well being of families like ours. 

I know these people likely voted Romney, and Bush before that... and that never changed my impression one iota.  But this?

It changes everything.  Hell, it already has.
He's one of your closest friends--talk to him about it. Has he ever espoused or demonstrated any racist feelings or actions? I'd guess not seeing as he's still your friend. Chances are that he was heavily conflicted and disagrees vehemently with many of the ideas and rhetoric spouted by Trump during the campaign.   

 
1. The continued rise in racial and anti-semitic attacks that we have seen since the Trump election.  Groups clearly emboldened by a white-nationalist campaign and now, President-elect. A nation that is further divided along racial lines, because Trump fed the populace the red meat they needed to hear, without any nuance as to understanding these are cultural and economic issues, not racial ones.  

2. I honestly don't know.  But again, this post was more about the personal pain that is felt when someone who was tops on my list of potential godparents support a white-nationalist movement, when my kids are going to be mixed-race.   That just hurts so deeply it's hard to explain.
I am still not quite sure I get what you are worried about.  When you say attacks you mean like physical or verbal?  Social media or in real life?  Who is attacking you?

You are being too vague to accomplish anything

 
We've had discussions before. We've agreed to disagree... but he never before actively supported a ####### white-nationalist campaign.  Some things can't be "explained" away.  

We will still be friends and I hope over time can rebuild those bonds.  But someone who made the judgements he and his wife has, as I've seen over the past months, is not someone I can trust with my mixed-race kids. Is that so hard to understand? Certainly not while Bannon is appointed and they are still supportive.
dude

 
I AM reaching across. You are having an unhealthy overreaction to the election.

 And it's not just your own feelings you're expressing here. You're casting aspersions that are divorced from reality. So you should expect some pushback if you're going to repeatedly verbally poke people in the chest.
1. I am having a reaction specifically to the personal side of this election, not the political outcome. 

2. What aspersions (that people voted for a racist and bigot? That's not up for debate)

3. I wasn't looking to poke anyone in the chest.  This was my thread, apart from the other bull#### on this board, to emote about how this has cut to my core as a person, as a friend, as a husband and hopefully soon to be father.  Want me to not admit what I feel at the deepest corners of my emotional state? 

Maybe if I hadn't lost 80% of my mothers family to a dictator who's rise shares many similarities to this one it would not so resonate.  And while I don't at all expect the U.S. to follow in that path, neither did the Germans in the 1920's.  So yes, I am hyper sensitive to this, especially when white-nationalism is represented in the White House, literally. 

 
I hope you disregard the people mocking your post here.  I appreciate you sharing.  You're not alone. I'd share my perspective, which is similar in some ways and different in others, but frankly I'm not comfortable doing it around here considering the way people are reacting to your post.  It sucks realizing that our country is not what we thought it was ... but frankly we were probably being too naive in thinking it could progress as it has in recent years without some sort of significant backlash.

One thing my wife and I are doing that has helped us deal with what the country has done: we are focusing our energies on our community and our city, which we still love just as much as we did a week ago. Help some local refugee charities or a shelter for victims of sexual abuse or whatever. The country that disappointed us is just one part of our identities; we're also residents of states, towns, neighborhoods and families, and focusing on that has helped me. Not that I'm abandoning national causes and politics for good of course, but there will be time for that later.

Good luck finding your peace.
We should all be doing this anyway, but right now this is vitally important imo. You can't change things that are bigger than all of us, but we all have neighbors, friends, families and communities that we can impact either positively, negatively, or not at all. If you're distraught about the direction things are headed, turn off the TV, stop worrying and complaining, and go do something constructive for your little corner of the world. 

 
1. I am having a reaction specifically to the personal side of this election, not the political outcome. 

2. What aspersions (that people voted for a racist and bigot? That's not up for debate)

3. I wasn't looking to poke anyone in the chest.  This was my thread, apart from the other bull#### on this board, to emote about how this has cut to my core as a person, as a friend, as a husband and hopefully soon to be father.  Want me to not admit what I feel at the deepest corners of my emotional state? 

Maybe if I hadn't lost 80% of my mothers family to a dictator who's rise shares many similarities to this one it would not so resonate.  And while I don't at all expect the U.S. to follow in that path, neither did the Germans in the 1920's.  So yes, I am hyper sensitive to this, especially when white-nationalism is represented in the White House, literally. 
Well thats pretty grown up of you

 
This.    I've had my guys win some and lose some. Doesn't change who I am.
I've always been this way.  As a libertarian, with some views aligned on the right (less gov't where possible, gun rights for example), I've never been happy with who wins.  But this is not Politics anymore, and neither is my concern. 

Its structural societal issues and, to this post, how I realize that some closest to me also share the beliefs of those who stand against who and what my family is - not politically, not ideologically, but because of race and ethnicity.

 

Users who are viewing this thread

Top