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Household Finances . . . How Do Things Work In Your House? (1 Viewer)

Paris

Paris

Footballguy
IMO, we have a household financial situation that I suspect is in the minority. We have completely separate finances. Back in the day, for some reason, it was decided that bills are to be split 50/50, as in each side contributes 50% of the total regardless of income. That was ok when we earned similar salaries.

Years ago, we both worked and made about the same. Bring on the kids and Betty was the one that opted to further her career, so Alex scaled back and attended more to the kids and the family. Jump ahead to present day, with kids pretty much out of the house, and Betty is the one doing better in the workplace.

This sets up the following math problem. Alex makes $50K. Betty makes $100K. Monthly bills are $8K. Given that each side is supposed to chip in an equal amount, that means Alex has $2K leftover per year while Betty has $52K as a starting off point (some of which goes to a retirement account).

Of course, Betty is loving life, as she has a lot of disposable income. Alex on the other hand, is struggling to meet the bill threshold that may have worked 20 years ago but hasn't been fair and equitable now. Since Betty has a lot of disposable income, she disposes it a pretty rapid rate. I'm guessing in most households, Betty would not have thousands of dollars to do whatever she wants with, and that money in would go to savings, more into retirement funds, paying down bills, etc.

We have reached the point where Alex and Betty are not thrilled with the financial arrangement. Alex says how about evening things out to account for the 15+ years of taking one for the team and raising the kids. Betty says . . . want more money, get a better job. And Betty says she is tired of always being the one paying for fun stuff and discretionary spending. Betty wants Alex to get a $100K job AND pay her back for her having to pay for dinners out and an occasional vacation.

Any other households where the finances are out of whack? Any other households where the husband was the one that turned into Mr. Mom? Any other constructive comments beyond "start hiding money"?

 
Betty would be single if I were Alex. I have never understood being married and having separate finances though. So there is that.

 
It's okay to have separate accounts but when married, it's all combined. No he makes 50k and she makes 100k...your family makes 150k. 

Do you file separate tax returns?

 
My wife makes less than I do which is fine.  We have separate accounts and each week have $x deposited into our separate accounts to spend on lunch, gas aand whatever else we want provides we have the money.  Joint expenditures come out of our combined account (bills, dinner, vacation, etc).  Since I make more I contribute more to retirement, insurance, etc.  Even though I make more, I am cool with having the same amount of disposable funds as my wife. It honestly helps curtail my spending and hers as well.  We both use the joint account for other things but most major decisions are made together. 

I think that alex is getting jobbed and his wifes statement of "if you want more money, make more" is bullpucky. 

 
my wife and I have this same arrangement, it started when we lived together and we never changed it. I make about 50% more than she does, drive a better car, spend money a lot more freely than she does. 

She's never complained about it, maybe being second marriages for each, we just are more comfortable looking out for our own self? I know I am, I learned through my first marriage that nobody is going to dictate to me how I spend the money that I earn and I won't be doing it either. 

 
I pay everything except the cell phone, because she has the app for that. She loves to remind me of that, which cracks me up. 

She has no idea how much we have or what bills there are, but she has all the passwords and access so that's all she wants. 

 
Doesn't sound like a great arrangement. As long as you're both putting in vaguely equal team effort, I think you should share your finances. I mean, really, is one spouse going to let the other one starve? Or not be able to pay for getting their car fixed so that they can get to work? It just seems like you're combined unit, so you might as well accept that the money is ultimately coming out of the same pot, and come to some mutual decisions about what's reasonable in terms of spending.

 
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 The chance any woman manages my finances in my lifetime=1%

And that's when I'm pooping myself and not knowing I just did that. 

 
2nd marriage for both of us so it does make a difference because her first husband spent frivolously and did not pay bills.  We have separate accounts and each pay different bills, but both accounts are joint accounts.  We made about the same amount until the last 4 months when my company was bought and I basically got a 30K per year raise so pretty much all of the fun money for both of us comes out of my account now.  It has worked well for us in the 10 years we have been married so we never changed it, but our parents think we are nuts for having separate accounts.  :shrug:

 
This is ####ing insane.  So basically she gets the benefit of you raising the kids and taking years off your career and you live completely financially disparate lives? I'd divorce her on principle. Male or female.  You're a team.  If she gets her money, let her be happy with it.  I'd seriously be gone in a heartbeat.  And I'd counsel anyone - male or female - to do the same.

 
Sounds like the reverse of most situations I know.  The Bettys are always complaining and this is why they feel disrespected.

A team is a team..

 
We pooled everything together, wife is responsible for paying all bills and doing the taxes, I was in charge of planning our retirement and handling all investments.

We handled everything like a corporation: revenue and expenses.  

We did not spend time worrying about who made what or who spent what, we just cared about the bottom line.

 
Henry Ford said:
This is ####ing insane.  So basically she gets the benefit of you raising the kids and taking years off your career and you live completely financially disparate lives? I'd divorce her on principle. Male or female.  You're a team.  If she gets her money, let her be happy with it.  I'd seriously be gone in a heartbeat.  And I'd counsel anyone - male or female - to do the same.
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Yes and no to the bolded. The story will vary based on the story teller, but someone had to be local and available, so having a position that required travel or commuting really wasn't an option. Alex wasn't stuck at home all day. He still worked, just on a reduced scale.

Early on, he did the majority of the things for the kids, with a heavy emphasis on taking them where they needed to go during the day. You don't think much of making kids lunches to take to school until the number of lunches you've made hits the thousands and your significant other can count her number on one hand.

When the kids were young, Alex would be on transportation duty, made dinner, helped with homework, got them bathed, teeth brushed, and off to bed. Betty missed a lot of that and would usually come home to a nice quiet house. The profound irony was Betty was the one working, yet she was the one getting child support when Alex was the one predominantly caring for her kids.

Of course, many years later, Betty's story is she would have LOVED to be the one in the Alex role. Her story has changed to Alex should have been the bread winner so she could have stayed home and watched bad daytime tv with Alex supporting everyone. Now she is angry that Alex caused her to miss out on her kid's lives.

Betty's side of the story would showcase that she was Superwoman. She was the one that cared for the kids, built a career, and supported a loser husband that was not motivated to make $800,000 a year. Her perspective shows that Alex has been a total mooch and lived off his wife's money. Where she comes from, men would never let their wives work (this is true in her family).

Left out of the narrative is that Alex and Betty were both married before, and essentially Alex feels like he raised the children of TWO women for them. Alex's first wife just up and left one day when the kids were in diapers.

Now Alex is a JUST A LITTLE BIT put off by Betty being the one with the lengthy list of demands on what has to change to keep Betty around. Hearing this, Alex didn't rant and rave or hoot and holler. Instead, all he could muster to say to her was if she is so unhappy just leave. So yeah, Alex right now is just a smidge bitter at the women that somehow got him to raise 5 kids over a 25 year period . . . but yet still have a laundry list of complaints on all the things they missed out on.

 
Paris said:
Yes and no to the bolded. The story will vary based on the story teller, but someone had to be local and available, so having a position that required travel or commuting really wasn't an option. Alex wasn't stuck at home all day. He still worked, just on a reduced scale.

Early on, he did the majority of the things for the kids, with a heavy emphasis on taking them where they needed to go during the day. You don't think much of making kids lunches to take to school until the number of lunches you've made hits the thousands and your significant other can count her number on one hand.

When the kids were young, Alex would be on transportation duty, made dinner, helped with homework, got them bathed, teeth brushed, and off to bed. Betty missed a lot of that and would usually come home to a nice quiet house. The profound irony was Betty was the one working, yet she was the one getting child support when Alex was the one predominantly caring for her kids.

Of course, many years later, Betty's story is she would have LOVED to be the one in the Alex role. Her story has changed to Alex should have been the bread winner so she could have stayed home and watched bad daytime tv with Alex supporting everyone. Now she is angry that Alex caused her to miss out on her kid's lives.

Betty's side of the story would showcase that she was Superwoman. She was the one that cared for the kids, built a career, and supported a loser husband that was not motivated to make $800,000 a year. Her perspective shows that Alex has been a total mooch and lived off his wife's money. Where she comes from, men would never let their wives work (this is true in her family).

Left out of the narrative is that Alex and Betty were both married before, and essentially Alex feels like he raised the children of TWO women for them. Alex's first wife just up and left one day when the kids were in diapers.

Now Alex is a JUST A LITTLE BIT put off by Betty being the one with the lengthy list of demands on what has to change to keep Betty around. Hearing this, Alex didn't rant and rave or hoot and holler. Instead, all he could muster to say to her was if she is so unhappy just leave. So yeah, Alex right now is just a smidge bitter at the women that somehow got him to raise 5 kids over a 25 year period . . . but yet still have a laundry list of complaints on all the things they missed out on.
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You could just say "yes, HF, you're right."  Same thing.

 
As long as one person in a relationship isn't out of control with spending money or racking up debt, literally any form of joint accounts/separate accounts/dividing up bills/etc can work. 

Change that condition and all bets are off.

 
Would think this split finance thing is tough to work out long term. Frankly I think relationships that are set up for each to keep score (finances or others) have a low probability of success.  I make the money. Wife has been home for 23 years (office manager in law firm). She pays the bills. I control investments. She's not a spender, so I trust her with money. She has access to all accounts. 

 
We have direct deposit put $150 per check into our own accounts. This money ends up being the no questions asked do whatever money.  Gambling. FF. Happy hour.  Whatever. All the rest of money to joint account.  She handles bills but we discuss it.  Money isn't really an issue but we're both pretty cheap anyway.  

FWIW, both work. I used to always make more but now she's does.  

Eta: Agree with snore. Should be even regardless of who is earning more

 
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Alex's problem is that he gave up one of the three advantages men have over women.  We get to do the #######, we are physically stronger, and we make more money.  These are the tools we have to leverage in our war against women and he gave one up willingly.  Plus he got married twice.  Clearly this Alex cat isn't a very bright fellow.

 
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Paris said:
We have reached the point where Alex and Betty are not thrilled with the financial arrangement. Alex says how about evening things out to account for the 15+ years of taking one for the team and raising the kids. Betty says . . . want more money, get a better job. And Betty says she is tired of always being the one paying for fun stuff and discretionary spending. Betty wants Alex to get a $100K job AND pay her back for her having to pay for dinners out and an occasional vacation.
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Sounds like Alex has a bad business relationship but not really a marriage.  

 
She's a former teacher that stays home with the kids. I handle all the finances, bills and investments. The day I stopped caring what she spent money on, my life got a lot more enjoyable. 

We have a joint credit card that I have linked to my Apple Wallet. Every time a purchase is made (from either card) I get a notification of where and how much. It's nice to have an idea of what's going on in real time. 

 
need2know said:
We both work full time.  All money in same accounts.  I pay bills
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For me, the only difference is that my wife pays all the bills.  And she wants it that way as her first husband was, let's say, quite bad with money.

My wife and I are both cheap, so there are no problems with the handling of finances this way.

 
Everything is shared.  We're a team.  We are aligned on our personal and financial goals.  We each get _____/month to spend on whatever we want.

We use the mvelopes cloud based software to track everything.

 
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I make about 5x of what my wife earns.  Neither of us have ever had our own bank account and everything gets lumped together.  If she needs or wants something and the money is there, she buys it and the same for me.   Everything I have is hers and vice verse.  

In 35 years of marriage there has never been a "this is my money" thing between us.  It seems weird to me that a married couple wouldn't share everything equally.

 
Spike said:
For me, the only difference is that my wife pays all the bills.  And she wants it that way as her first husband was, let's say, quite bad with money.

My wife and I are both cheap, so there are no problems with the handling of finances this way.
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Yeah.  Me handling it makes the strippers, cocaine, and gambling easier for her to handle.  :ph34r:

 
Currently the way we do it is both our checks are deposited into my checking account, which is "our" main account, but she has no access.  I pay the bills, plan for the future, set aside for future purchases, and give us each the same exact amount of discretionary money (I give her cash every week.  I spend out of the checking account but keep track of my purchases).  Any big purchases are discussed.  She's horrible with money, so she can't have access to all our money or we'd be effed.  Currently, she makes a little over half my salary, which may seem like a big gap, but it is closing.  She stayed at home for years, then worked part time, then full time with a low salary, and now her salary took a big jump.  I'm fine with the income difference, and only play the "I make more money card" when she tries to be frivolous (well, in my eyes with things like the thermostat in the winter, or making some foolish promise of a vacation to the kids when we can't afford whatever she is planning).  Usually works for us, with the occasional issue.

 
Paris said:
 Betty wants Alex to get a $100K job AND pay her back for her having to pay for dinners out and an occasional vacation.
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The bolded is absolutely comical. I'm going to try that at the end of my next relationship

"Hey hon, you know that chicken marsala  you had back in September? I'm gonna need my $14.99 back"

The fact that she's saying it to her HUSBAND is pure lunacy. 

 
TLEF316 said:
The bolded is absolutely comical. I'm going to try that at the end of my next relationship

"Hey hon, you know that chicken marsala  you had back in September? I'm gonna need my $14.99 back"

The fact that she's saying it to her HUSBAND is pure lunacy. 
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Plus tax honey

 
This is how my wife and I have done it for 15 years:

- Joint checking account used for household bills

- Joint savings account

- Individual savings accounts for each of us. Each month an equal amount of money is deposited into each and we can do with it what we want. It's eliminated any possibility of conflict with regard to personal spending.

When we got married, I was making about 2x what she was and now we earn about the same. Deposits into our savings accounts have always been equal.

 
Pretty much an even split here.  Entirely separate accounts.   Wife makes a little more than I do.  I have no idea what she spends her disposable income on.   Of course my marriage is a train wreck so I'd do the opposite of what we do if I was you. :lol:

 
My wife and I have a shared checking account.  She is my second wife and I have two kids from the first marriage, none from the second.  I make somewhat more than her, but then also absorb the child expenses of my kids from a young age through college.  I manage the finances through software - we both make tactical decisions (what to buy) while I handle the strategic decision (how much for retirement).

We are lucky in that we both tend to agree on the tactical decisions (not always getting what I want).  As for strategic, I basically tell my wife what we are projected to be able to spend when we retire.  Along the way, I have made sure that her retirement funds are closely aligned with what mine are, to be fair.

In summary, we pool our income and expenses, and our net worth is equally split as we get older...

 
I can't imagine having separate accounts and splitting bills roommate-style in a marriage. I make significantly more than does my wife, but it all goes into the same account. She pays the bills for the most part since I work much longer hours than she does, but we budget, plan, and decide on major purchases together. It is easier, I'm sure, since our financial goals and priorities line up pretty well together -- neither of us cares too much about material "stuff" and we both believe in saving and in spending on shared experiences for our family / kids.

 
The day my wife and I moved in together I handed her my check and told her to pay the bills. She is more responsible than me with money and is frugal as all get out. All of our money goes into one savings and one checking. 

The last thing I want to worry about it a marriage, especially with 3 kids, is money. It's just money. If I have a roof over my head, food to eat, beer to drink, and can make my kids happy I'm cool.

 
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I make all the money, wife spends all the money, and I pay all the bills. If I were to die my wife would be ####ed.

Its probably the only real hang up we have in our marriage and one that has improved a little but not really to the point where I am content.

That being said, Ive learned to not stress out about these things because life is short and all this #### is inconsequential. So I have cc debt. Who cares?

 
NewlyRetired said:
We pooled everything together, wife is responsible for paying all bills and doing the taxes, I was in charge of planning our retirement and handling all investments.

We handled everything like a corporation: revenue and expenses.  

We did not spend time worrying about who made what or who spent what, we just cared about the bottom line.
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:goodposting:  

I can't imagine living any other way.

 
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