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First time you catch your HS kid drinking (1 Viewer)

Nigel

Nigel

Footballguy
My daughter turns 17 in August, will be a junior next year, came home a little tipsy last night. Last day of school, went to a graduation party, and apparently had a few. Was not driving. Tried to deny it but it was obvious. Not stupid enough to think she's never done it before but first time she's been busted. 

Straight A honors student, will be captain next year of cross country and lax teams, hangs with popular crowd. Some of her friends have been in trouble before, a couple of stomach-pumping, but she has stayed out of the fray. I've heard multiple times from other parents "I'm always relieved when Jane tells me your daughter is going out with them, I worry less." 

She was still asleep when I left the house for work, my wife is home to deal with it when she wakes up. She wants to bring the hammer down (no going out at night for a month, can't go to concert in August, doesn't want her hanging with certain kids). I'm trying to keep it in perspective, there need to be consequences but I'm kind of lobbying on her behalf. As an every weekend boozer since freshman year of HS who turned out ok I'd be a hypocrite not to. HS is a four year cat and mouse game, I get it.

I sent my daughter a text after I left the house advising her to be honest with her mother, lying will not help the situation. Did not hear back, at work now waiting for an update on how it plays out. I know nearly all parents go through this, but I feel sick over it. Mostly because I know how sick she's going to feel when she opens her eyes this morning, and makes the walk downstairs.

Interested to hear how others handled this their first go around.

 
In for the updates. 

I have no experience, I think :oldunsure:  , with this yet since my boys are only 10 and 8.  

 
My son didn't booze until he graduated college and my daughter (hs senior) doesn't booze either.  That said, most of their friends do and it sound like your daughter has been pretty good over the years and wasn't even too bad last night.  I personally wouldn't drop the hammer to the extent that your wife wants to, but I'd let your daughter know that 16 is still very young and booze really exacerbates bad decision making.  Maybe tell he she'll have the rest of her life to party so chill it as much as possible while she's still in HS anyway.

And she should come clean so you guys know she'll be honest if she slips up.

jmho

 
Do what my dad did. He would wake us up at about 8:30 the morning after we stumbled in, crack open a couple of beers, and he would take a long pull and point at the other beer and say something like:'

"Looks like you enjoy these. Have a beer with me." 

:lol:

 
I personally like the good cop/bad cop you and the mrs.have going, even if unintentional.  I take your view, life happens and you use the moment to teach responsibility and moderation.  Let her understand the dangers of the activity and make her aware tha you can always be available if she gets in a spot.  Let your wife dole out the punishment your daughter also knows that even though this isn't out of th ordinary she still has to accept consequences.

 
One thing I will tell her is NEVER get in a car with someone who drank or try and drive herself. If she finds herself in a situation where she cant get home to call you and you will pick her up any time of the night, no questions asked.

 
shadyridr said:
One thing I will tell her is NEVER get in a car with someone who drank or try and drive herself. If she finds herself in a situation where she cant get home to call you and you will pick her up any time of the night, no questions asked.
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Yea.

This is where I am cautious of dropping a hammer on her. Id tell her I'm more disappointed she was dishonest. 

Those lines of communication are so vital.

 
I dont advise drinking, but this is the worrisome part IMO:

Some of her friends have been in trouble before, a couple of stomach-pumping, but she has stayed out of the fray.

 
dutch said:
I personally like the good cop/bad cop you and the mrs.have going, even if unintentional.  I take your view, life happens and you use the moment to teach responsibility and moderation.  Let her understand the dangers of the activity and make her aware tha you can always be available if she gets in a spot.  Let your wife dole out the punishment your daughter also knows that even though this isn't out of th ordinary she still has to accept consequences.
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I'm definitely the softie. My wife resents it sometimes,says I don't always have her back. I just see it as me being more reasonable.

Overall it works though. My kids are petrified of crossing her and for the most part stay out of trouble.

 
shadyridr said:
One thing I will tell her is NEVER get in a car with someone who drank or try and drive herself. If she finds herself in a situation where she cant get home to call you and you will pick her up any time of the night, no questions asked.
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This.  My parents never did this and all it did was encourage me and my friends to drink and drive in high school.  Now I get guys are a different animal and have that "invisible" feeling....but it sounds like all things considered your daughter is a great kid and she probably already knows everything you're going to tell her.  

Not sure what the play is here, but if she's got two more years of high school to go, you probably want to make sure you're making the right play for the long haul here.

 
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Cjw_55106 said:
I dont advise drinking, but this is the worrisome part IMO:

Some of her friends have been in trouble before, a couple of stomach-pumping, but she has stayed out of the fray.
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That sounds like an issue. That shouldn't be happening. I've never had that, and as most people know, I take it out pretty hard. 

If you can, with whatever you decide to do, tell her also that her neurological connections aren't formed in her cortex until she's 25, and even casual drinking affects our brain development in ways we don't know yet, but aren't good.  

 
I never had any issues with it as long as she wasn't driving. We've also always told her if she was ever needed a ride to always be willing to let us know and we would pick her up. It's created a very open and honest environment. I don't even mind she has a fake ID now since I completely trust her.

 
Nigel said:
My daughter turns 17 in August, will be a junior next year, came home a little tipsy last night. Last day of school, went to a graduation party, and apparently had a few. Was not driving. Tried to deny it but it was obvious. Not stupid enough to think she's never done it before but first time she's been busted. 

Straight A honors student, will be captain next year of cross country and lax teams, hangs with popular crowd. Some of her friends have been in trouble before, a couple of stomach-pumping, but she has stayed out of the fray. I've heard multiple times from other parents "I'm always relieved when Jane tells me your daughter is going out with them, I worry less." 

She was still asleep when I left the house for work, my wife is home to deal with it when she wakes up. She wants to bring the hammer down (no going out at night for a month, can't go to concert in August, doesn't want her hanging with certain kids). I'm trying to keep it in perspective, there need to be consequences but I'm kind of lobbying on her behalf. As an every weekend boozer since freshman year of HS who turned out ok I'd be a hypocrite not to. HS is a four year cat and mouse game, I get it.

I sent my daughter a text after I left the house advising her to be honest with her mother, lying will not help the situation. Did not hear back, at work now waiting for an update on how it plays out. I know nearly all parents go through this, but I feel sick over it. Mostly because I know how sick she's going to feel when she opens her eyes this morning, and makes the walk downstairs.

Interested to hear how others handled this their first go around.
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Are you trying to tell us that you sent your kid a text and didn't hear anything back? I find that very hard to believe.

Seriously, my daughter is also 17 and I'm curious about the responses you'll get. I can't offer up any experiences as I don't believe my daughter has even imbibed yet. Or maybe just a taste. Wondering how I should work the next two months before she goes off to college.

 
rockaction said:
That sounds like an issue. That shouldn't be happening. I've never had that, and as most people know, I take it out pretty hard. 

If you can, with whatever you decide to do, tell her also that her neurological connections aren't formed in her cortex until she's 25, and even casual drinking affects our brain development in ways we don't know yet, but aren't good.  
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This was more common with girls in high school IIRC. They try to drink too much (typically hard liquor) and then the parents send them to the hospital to get pumped.  

 
Tiger Fan said:
This was more common with girls in high school IIRC. They try to drink too much (typically hard liquor) and then the parents send them to the hospital to get pumped.  
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Ah, okay. I remember girls in college that took it out tough and the only one I remember getting that had a .31, which is really dangerous.  

But thanks for the pro tip. Too much hard liquor consumed too fast can cause major problems, and kids smuggle liquor easier than beer, it seems.  

 
My parents all but completely ignored the issue when I was growing up.  Seemed to work out okay I guess.  I was very rebellious.  If they would have pushed back it would have been much worse.  The only time I got in real trouble was a drinking and driving incident I somehow got out of with just a "minor in possession" ticket. I still don't know how I got out of that one. 

Not looking forward to this with my Kids, 7 and 5.  Like you said, I'd be a hypocrite to totally nail them for something I did when I was their age. 

I'm hoping its a complete open dialogue with my kids.  My wife and her mom were like that.  Don't drink and drive, I'll come get you type of stuff. 

Good luck. 

 
It seems the drink of choice for HS kids today, especially girls, is Vodka. When I was in HS the guys drank beer and the girls drank wine coolers. You'd get drunk but hard to get dangerously so. Now these 100 lb girls swill vodka with no life experience on how it will affect them and end up black-out drunk/passed out.

 
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rockaction said:
Ah, okay. I remember girls in college that took it out tough and the only one I remember getting that had a .31, which is really dangerous.  

But thanks for the pro tip. Too much hard liquor consumed too fast can cause major problems, and kids smuggle liquor easier than beer, it seems.  
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yeah it was way more common with girls b/c guys typically drank more beer, where girls were more liquor focused....and they were smaller, ate less, etc.

 
Nigel said:
It seems the drink of voice for HS kids today, especially girls, is Vodka. When I was in HS the guys drank beer and the girls drank wine coolers. You'd get drunk but hard to get dangerously so. Now these 100 lb girls swill vodka with no life experience on how it will affect them and end up black-out drunk/passed out.
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Seems too me like weed is much preferable to kids today than drinking .

my youngest is entering her 2nd year of college and last year her roommate had alcohol poisoning twice . Really feel blessed we didn't have any issues with our kids

 
You cannot prevent her from drinking out of your house, the best you can do is make sure she makes responsible decisions such as not driving, knowing how much alcohol is in varying drinks etc. I don't think getting mad about it really accomplishes a lot, since most of us have done similar stuff around the same age and turned out (debatably) ok.

 
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Nigel said:
It seems the drink of choice for HS kids today, especially girls, is Vodka. When I was in HS the guys drank beer and the girls drank wine coolers. You'd get drunk but hard to get dangerously so. Now these 100 lb girls swill vodka with no life experience on how it will affect them and end up black-out drunk/passed out.
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This is an outstanding way to get raped.  Aside from the other obvious problems, like ending up in the ER or dead.

 
Nigel said:
My daughter turns 17 in August, will be a junior next year, came home a little tipsy last night. Last day of school, went to a graduation party, and apparently had a few. Was not driving. Tried to deny it but it was obvious. Not stupid enough to think she's never done it before but first time she's been busted. 

Straight A honors student, will be captain next year of cross country and lax teams, hangs with popular crowd. Some of her friends have been in trouble before, a couple of stomach-pumping, but she has stayed out of the fray. I've heard multiple times from other parents "I'm always relieved when Jane tells me your daughter is going out with them, I worry less." 

She was still asleep when I left the house for work, my wife is home to deal with it when she wakes up. She wants to bring the hammer down (no going out at night for a month, can't go to concert in August, doesn't want her hanging with certain kids). I'm trying to keep it in perspective, there need to be consequences but I'm kind of lobbying on her behalf. As an every weekend boozer since freshman year of HS who turned out ok I'd be a hypocrite not to. HS is a four year cat and mouse game, I get it.

I sent my daughter a text after I left the house advising her to be honest with her mother, lying will not help the situation. Did not hear back, at work now waiting for an update on how it plays out. I know nearly all parents go through this, but I feel sick over it. Mostly because I know how sick she's going to feel when she opens her eyes this morning, and makes the walk downstairs.

Interested to hear how others handled this their first go around.
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I think you're handling it right.  She seems a good girl, but the crowd is a concern.  My larger concern would be the honesty,  and ensuring she understands the risk everyone, but mostly young girls have when getting tipsy.  Ask questions about her plans to protect her friends from getting into situations they later regret and can send the dude to jail.  

Nigel said:
It seems the drink of voice for HS kids today, especially girls, is Vodka. When I was in HS the guys drank beer and the girls drank wine coolers. You'd get drunk but hard to get dangerously so. Now these 100 lb girls swill vodka with no life experience on how it will affect them and end up black-out drunk/passed out.
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yeah, that's worse.  I don't think I ever got really drunk on beer, but hard liquor is a different story.  Especially young, lightweight girls.  Again, just make sure she has workable plans for getting out of ####ty situations. 

 
I spent my middle and high school years in Europe - the drinking age was 16 (unenforced) and the minimum driving age was 18 (except for 50 cc bikes).

We used to spend weekend nights at bars, always getting there via public transportation (bus and/or taxi), and sometimes being dropped off/picked up.  I personally found that growing up and understanding the impacts of alcohol before ever driving was a good thing.  Sure, it may not be the ideal approach from a body health perspective, but probably has a positive impact in the area of avoiding serious accidents.

Whatever your personal beliefs are regarding use of alcohol, the real important part is how this situation (and other challenges) are met and handled with your daughter.  Don't try to tell her how she messed up.  I think that is a negative reinforcement rather than positive encouragement.  You should let her know that you don't approve, but that you respect the fact that she will sometimes take unilateral action and face the repercussions.  You cannot shield your children from outside influences; instead, focus on how they should be able to be in control in making the proper decisions.  And, when needed, that you are there to help, whether good or bad decisions are made.

I tend to find that the most harm does not come from what kids do, but more so from deterioration of strong families relationships.  Be fair and understanding.  And value her input, trust, and honesty the most.

 
My kids are young, so I have some time to think about how I will play it. I think back to when I was in HS...my mom nagged me relentlessly about drinking. She was on my case about it even before I actually started drinking. In my case, I think it had opposite effect of what she intended. In fact, I am pretty sure the first time I got completely smashed I was on a mission to spite her. Yes, I know. Dumb. Anyways, I continued to drink even though I knew she hated it. Thankfully, I never got in any real bad trouble related to it. Then I think about a buddy of mine whose mom would buy him beer when he was going out to a party. They had an agreement that she would get him beer if he promised to stick to that and never, ever drive anywhere. He held up his end of the bargain and it worked out. He never had to go scrounging for booze the way some of the rest of us did. His mom accepted the fact she couldn't stop him from drinking so she did what she could to try to make sure it was just beer he was drinking (not that a HS kid cant get all kinds of fubar on beer but you can usually pace yourself better than hitting a bottle) and he wasn't going to drive after he was lit up. I don't think that strategy would work for every kid (and she could have gotten in some trouble) but it worked for them. I think about whether I will be willing to do the same. I hear some of the stories about the extreme lengths kids go to to get ####ed up these days and it scares the hell out of me. Part of me thinks if I can try to help keep it to some beer only, maybe the chances are lower that I have to pick them up from the ER after they have alcohol poisoning after bonging 100 proof schnaaps or something. Then again, part of me thinks they may be that much more likely to do crazy #### after they're half-snapped off the beer. Tough call, and I think I will have to wait and see cause each kid will be different. They have already proven to be a little stubborn and spiteful (where do they get that I wonder?) so I am thinking the hardcore "YOU WILL NOT DRINK!!!" thing wont work on them, either. Case where I am going to (hopefully) learn from how my folks played it with me.

Bigger fear for me than booze is drugs. The stories about young people and opioids are just terrifying.

 
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I don't have kids of my own--but I can tell you what my parents did that actually took the potential "fun" out of drinking for me when I was in high school.  They did give me the speech on the dangers of drinking and how it's something that I should absolutely avoid doing.  They also however mentioned that they understood that as a teenager that I would have a natural desire to rebel and try new things.  They essentially said--"if you want to drink--we have a bar at home--you drink here while we are home.   If you want friends to join you--I need to talk to their parents first and none of you will be driving.   Them essentially saying that I could drink at home with them essentially took the entire desire to want to drink away from me when I was in high school.  

 
Update: she can clean (thank God), had some vodka provided by one of the stomach pumpees who spent a night at MGH end of April then "went away" for a month. She is horrified that she lied. My wife says more than anything she is sad that she can't trust her and feels bad for her but there have to be consequences.

I'd left out that last night at 11 before coming home she texted my wife asking if she could sleep at someone's house, at which point she knew something was up and told her no f'ing way. And before she'd gone out my wife explicitly warned her to be smart and not do something stupid to screw up her summer. Ugh.

 
Nigel said:
It seems the drink of choice for HS kids today, especially girls, is Vodka. When I was in HS the guys drank beer and the girls drank wine coolers. You'd get drunk but hard to get dangerously so. Now these 100 lb girls swill vodka with no life experience on how it will affect them and end up black-out drunk/passed out.
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Easy to hide and doesn't reek like some of the other stuff. What is scary is I have read a number of stories about the different ways they are ingesting the vodka. Lets just say they are not just drinking it and that is frightening.

 
whiskey7 said:
Easy to hide and doesn't reek like some of the other stuff. What is scary is I have read a number of stories about the different ways they are ingesting the vodka. Lets just say they are not just drinking it and that is frightening.
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rectal

 
Nigel said:
Update: she can clean (thank God), had some vodka provided by one of the stomach pumpees who spent a night at MGH end of April then "went away" for a month. She is horrified that she lied. My wife says more than anything she is sad that she can't trust her and feels bad for her but there have to be consequences.

I'd left out that last night at 11 before coming home she texted my wife asking if she could sleep at someone's house, at which point she knew something was up and told her no f'ing way. And before she'd gone out my wife explicitly warned her to be smart and not do something stupid to screw up her summer. Ugh.
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:thumbup:

you guys seem like great parents

 
James Daulton said:
My son didn't booze until he graduated college and my daughter (hs senior) doesn't booze either.  That said, most of their friends do and it sound like your daughter has been pretty good over the years and wasn't even too bad last night.  I personally wouldn't drop the hammer to the extent that your wife wants to, but I'd let your daughter know that 16 is still very young and booze really exacerbates bad decision making.  Maybe tell he she'll have the rest of her life to party so chill it as much as possible while she's still in HS anyway.

And she should come clean so you guys know she'll be honest if she slips up.

jmho
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I thought the same as you for the longest time.

Then my SIL told me If their friends are drinking they are drinking.  I always said "No way"  My girls are 4.0 students and athletes.  They both told me years later that they were drinking in HS.

 
The stomach pumping would freak my #### out. Personally, I don't think I'd go the route of questioning trust from a single mistake.

 
NorvilleBarnes said:
The stomach pumping would freak my #### out. Personally, I don't think I'd go the route of questioning trust from a single mistake.
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Maybe I'm too soft, but I agree.  Nigel's daughter clearly made a mistake, but this is a "normal teenage behavior" mistake, not a "requires emergency medical treatment" mistake.

 
Yeah, the fact that she felt she needed to lie to you about it is concerning.  HS kids are going to make mistakes, it's just something parents have to accept.  The goal is to minimize those mistakes and that can only be done if there's trust and communication going on.  You need to punish her for the lying, but if you do the whole summer punishment for this little thing like your wife was suggesting, then she's not going to tell you the truth next time either.  

 
IvanKaramazov said:
Maybe I'm too soft, but I agree.  Nigel's daughter clearly made a mistake, but this is a "normal teenage behavior" mistake, not a "requires emergency medical treatment" mistake.
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Yeah, I agree. I know what a compulsive liar is, I was one in HS. I don't think she is, need to talk my wife off the ledge.

This place is great for talking through this type of ####, appreciate the input from all.  :thumbup:

 
I don't have any advice to offer, you seem to be doing well from here. 

This is more just a :blackdot: ..... my son will be entering high school this Fall.

 
You probably don't want to hear this but it wouldn't hurt to give her the safe sex talk again. You can make the wife give it to her.

 
Da Guru said:
I thought the same as you for the longest time.

Then my SIL told me If their friends are drinking they are drinking.  I always said "No way"  My girls are 4.0 students and athletes.  They both told me years later that they were drinking in HS.
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Eh, I've never seen anything either that night or the next day that would suggest otherwise.

 
shadyridr said:
One thing I will tell her is NEVER get in a car with someone who drank or try and drive herself. If she finds herself in a situation where she cant get home to call you and you will pick her up any time of the night, no questions asked.
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Did this with my daughter and never had problems with her. It's all about how they perceive how you will react. if you build that trust, it will be a smooth ride.

 
Don't feel as if you can't back consequences or punishments just because you did the same thing and fear being labeled a hypocrite.

Kids are all different and sometimes they need boundaries, even if you didn't have them or were not enforced or whatever. JMHO.

 
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