What's new
Fantasy Football - Footballguys Forums

Welcome to Our Forums. Once you've registered and logged in, you're primed to talk football, among other topics, with the sharpest and most experienced fantasy players on the internet.

Final meeting with a dying relative - need advice (1 Viewer)

Popinski

Footballguy
I just learned that a relative that I'm very close with has a highly aggressive cancer.  He's declining quickly and doctors have given him one or two weeks.  I'm gutted and still trying to process it.  Flying out soon to see him for the last time. 

I'm not sure what state he'll be in or how long I would be able to converse with him, but do I approach it?  Is it ok to reminisce and joke about better times; do I focus on how he is doing in the moment; we have always had philosophical discussions, but do I even go near how he is dealing with his own mortality?  Besides telling him I love him, what should be my last words when I leave?  What can I possibly say to his parents (my uncle and aunt) and children?  Emphasis of course being on words that somehow help them, not necessarily what I need.

This is really the first time I've been in a situation like this.  The previous close people to me that have passed either went suddenly, happened when I was a kid, or had dementia.

 
Tell him you love him.  Tell him you're sorry. Tell him you still won't tell anyone he fingered fat Jenny Torkleson behind the KMart in 8th grade. 

 
Tell him you love him, ask if he needs you to do anything he doesn't want to ask for, like deleting a browser history etc and then do what comes naturally and live in the moment. 

 
Also, if you two really trust each other, tell him if there's anything weighing on his mind you'll be his confessor and take it to your grave. 

 
Everyone wants to be remembered.  Everyone wants to feel they didn't waste their time here. Everyone wants to be forgiven. 

 
Just be there for him. Act naturally. He knows he's dying, but my guess is that he wants to enjoy the time he has left. Have some laughs, drink a beer, just be there for him. 

 
Let's say you are on your flight to go see him thinking about all the things you are gonna say and do. You get to his parents house and they tell you he passed early that morning. 

Your flight back home you start feeling really hurt with all the things you wished had said to him if you had the chance.

Start with those words as things you would like to share with him....the rest will come to you 

 
Last edited by a moderator:
Maybe ask him if there's anything specific that he wants people to remember about him, or if there's anything in his family history that he wants people to remember. When my grandmother was dying, she told me a bunch of things about our family history that she was afraid would be lost forever once she died.

 
Everyone wants to be remembered.  Everyone wants to feel they didn't waste their time here. Everyone wants to be forgiven. 
If you have a couple of great memories with him and/or things that you learned from him - share those with him.  And of course, thank him and tell him you love and appreciate him. 

 
Lots of good advice in this thread... a combination of thoughtful and inspirational.

The only thing I can add is that it's not really the time to pull any practical jokes.

 
If you are close, you'll know how to handle it. Take cues from him. Don't go in with a bunch of pre-planned stuff imo. 

Offer to do anything that will help him. If he wants to joke, laugh. If he wants to cry, hold him. If he wants to get philosophical or reflective, go there. 

You know him better than we do. Love finds the right way to act when it's focused on the other persons needs. 

 
Just be you. Be the guy that he knows. If you always joked with him, joke with him. If you always had deep discussions with him, talk to him about whatever he wants to talk about.

Just being there will mean everything to him, the family, everyone. My dad died when I was 17. I will never forget the people that just cared enough to show up.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
I just learned that a relative that I'm very close with has a highly aggressive cancer.  He's declining quickly and doctors have given him one or two weeks.  I'm gutted and still trying to process it.  Flying out soon to see him for the last time. 

I'm not sure what state he'll be in or how long I would be able to converse with him, but do I approach it?  Is it ok to reminisce and joke about better times; do I focus on how he is doing in the moment; we have always had philosophical discussions, but do I even go near how he is dealing with his own mortality?  Besides telling him I love him, what should be my last words when I leave?  What can I possibly say to his parents (my uncle and aunt) and children?  Emphasis of course being on words that somehow help them, not necessarily what I need.

This is really the first time I've been in a situation like this.  The previous close people to me that have passed either went suddenly, happened when I was a kid, or had dementia.
It depends on the person but you really can't go wrong. Just being there is huge. You can go by his cues. He's probably feeling scared as all end of life patients feel. If they are being brave it's more to do about you and not them. Ask if there's anything you can do for him. The most important thing is really, you being there and telling him you love him.

Let me add also that docs have been wrong about the time frame left for a person from time to time, even with aggressive cancer. I've seen a few times on the cancer boards that this is it, someone's given x amount of time by their docs. Then they rebound and some have gone on for another year or two. It's crazy how this can work.

God's speed. Keeping your you and your relative in my thoughts. It's rough, for everyone involved. xxx

 
Last edited by a moderator:

Users who are viewing this thread

Top