What's new
Fantasy Football - Footballguys Forums

Welcome to Our Forums. Once you've registered and logged in, you're primed to talk football, among other topics, with the sharpest and most experienced fantasy players on the internet.

Preparing for/Dealing with the loss of a child (1 Viewer)

Zow

Footballguy
Let me start this by saying that no child is dying.  I also am not trying to at all imply that what I'm about to describe is the equivalent of a child's death, because it's not.  I just genuinely, at least in my emotional reality, don't know how else to describe it.  And, the point of this thread (which I'm sure will be long-winded), is trying to figure out how to be deal with it.  

Those of you familiar with the "Trouble Getting Pregnant" thread may be aware that my wife and I, after struggling for a few years with fertility issues, decided to become foster parents.  Almost immediately we were fortunate enough to take in a baby just released from the NICU.  He arrived at our house with essentially no "instructions."  All we knew at the time is he was born premature and substance exposed.  We spent the first two nights with him in the hospital because he had severe breathing issues and, as we quickly discovered, was on a formula he was allergic to.  A couple months later we spent five straight days in the hospital with him when he contracted RSV. This was almost two years.  

Last November we were asked by our state's respective agency to adopt him (as well as his older biological sister).  We, of course, said yes.  However, for reasons that aren't worth getting into, the state change its mind.  Our foster son's biological mom, to get great credit, seized the opportunity to address several of her outstanding issues.  Unfortunately,  this change in plans came with a significant emotional impact on my wife and me.  We initially went into the process with our eyes wide open.  We were cautious enough to keep a small section of our hearts closed off to our son because there's the knowledge he could go home, but the information we received allowed us to open that last section.  

After nearly two years with him we just received notice that he is likely going home to his biological mother for good on October 20th.  To be honest, since things sort of went a different direction a few months back, this is not a shock to us and, I think at least, we've sort of been through the initial stage of the grieving process.  Also, we're genuinely proud of his biological mom and do think we can get to a point where we won't fear for his safety.  That said, it is unlikely that we will see him again, at least on any sort of regular basis, after that.  Also, it's very unlikely that she'll be able to provide the financial opportunities for him that we could. 

The last couple of years have been like having this constant Sword of Damocles hanging over our heads - where sometimes it's been barely visible or, like now, we can feel its tip on our foreheads.  That said, I couldn't possibly imagine wanting anything different.  My foster son is the coolest kid I've ever known.  Despite the early medical issues, he's blossomed into a completely healthy child that has hit all his marks.  He's incredibly happy.  The best part of my day is when he wakes up at like 5:45 AM.  I get up with him and we spend 20-30 minutes every morning with him on my lap eating a banana watching cartoons.  Work or anything else isn't a thought for me during this time.  He calls me "dada" and cries every time I have to leave for work, and yells with excitement when I get home. It's tough knowing that these times will stop.  It's also rough knowing that I will never play catch with him, see him off to his first day of school, and, most likely, he'll completely forget who we are. 

What's somewhat funny is how both my wife have a specific recurring nightmare about it all, but the nightmares themselves are vastly different.  My wife regularly has a dream where our son is crying at his new house and in his little mind he thinks we've abandoned him.  My "nightmare" is much further down the line.  I've had the same dream several times now where it's 18 years into the future, I'm now a judge sitting on a regular criminal docket and his name comes across as a defendant for some drug or property crime.  I call the case just to announce the conflict, but also out of curiosity, and, when I do, it's clear he has no clue who I am and is headed down a terrible path. 

Anyway, my hope with this thread is to try to figure out how to handle the short and long terms.  My wife and I started attending counseling together a couple months back and we'll continue with that.  We've tried to maintain a normal lifestyle based upon the counselor's advice. I'd say our sex life has suffered from this but our marriage hasn't. That said, I don't know what to expect.  The weekend he goes home my wife is supposed to go away on a girls' trip she totally deserves.  I don't know whether I should take the week days leading up to it off.  I don't know how it'll feel. I don't know if we should keep pictures, what to tell family exactly, throw some going away party, etc. I want to try to prepare. I don't want this to negatively impact my home and work life. I know I can escape by work and sports but I sort of feel like that's selfish.  So, I'd really appreciate any suggestions. I don't know what to do or how this will impact my family. 

Two requests for responding: 

1. I'd prefer to keep most of the discussion about the legalities of this out of this thread.  I'm in a unique positions where I am keenly aware of my options and how my situation is well outside the norm. If I get up the courage I'll address what could be described as a very legal irony here, but, nonetheless, I don't want this to be about the law or the process. 

2. Please try to keep all comments and suggestions secular.  I completely and respect that, for money, turning to religion in these times is helpful.  It just will not be for my wife and me.  We've already heard it all (I genuinely fear for the next person who tells my wife, "this is part of God's plan). 
 

 
Agree with Ninja Woz, truly sorry for what you are going through/will go through. I have no advice but it speaks volumes of you and your wife's character that you both chose this path.

 
Sorry to hear that, it's a heartbreaking situation. Good on the moon for cleaning herself up, but it's too bad it has to come at a such a high price to you and your wife. 

 
Man, my heart aches for you. 

You rescued a kid and got him down the right path. You may have rescued his mom too. It takes strength from you and your wife to even take this on in the first place.

I have no words of advice - just know I admire the hell out of you guys.

 
Echoing what others have said here. It's amazing what you and your wife chose to do. 

My only advice is to continue to be there for each other, and allow yourselves to feel whatever it is you feel. There's no way you "should" react in a situation like this.

All the best to you and your wife, and your foster son in this next stage of his life.

 
What a heartbreaking story.

I know that you think that you've already gone through the initial stages of the grieving process, but you haven't. This is going to be VERY tough on both of you, and you are going to need a lot more support/counseling/therapy than you can possibly imagine right now.

 
sucks balls dude.  you're a really good couple of people.  i have no advice.  its probably way too early to think about it, but when you're ready.  do it again.  

 
Really sorry man.  I remember how excited y'all were when you got him. I hope things turn out for the best. 

 
I saw the thread title and knew exactly what to expect when I opened it.

Like others, I have nothing to add other than my thoughts are with your family.  I can't even imagine.  Having followed your story all the way through the Pregnancy thread, I admired you the whole way....you did something that I don't think many (and for sure my wife and I) could have done.

Just like we were there for you in that thread, we'll be here for you in this one.  Hopefully some folks can bring some tangible pieces of advice for you.

Hang in there.

 
You may not have a child dying, but you are absolutely losing a child. It's completely normal to grieve that loss.

I have quite a few friends who are, or have, taken part in the foster system. Several of them just with the intent to foster, but most with the intent to adopt. Almost all of them have been through similar situations and it is always brutal. Some of them have decided to foster more kids with the intent to adopt and ended up successfully adopting kids, while others decided that they couldn't go through the process again.

I know personally, that despite a case worker begging my wife and I to so it, we said there was no chance we were going to go through it and went with international adoption instead. But our friends that eventually adopted through the foster system are very happy as well and a couple of them have even gone through it more than once now and adopted multiple kids.

Take time to mourn. And if you decide you can't go through the process again, I think that's perfectly understandable. If you decide to open your hearts and try again, I highly recommend making it absolutely clear to the caseworkers that you are only interested in cases with clear paths to adoption and not be afraid to say no if you have any hint that they are not telling the truth (something that happens all the time just so they can get kids placed in an overwhelmed system).

Good luck Woz.

 
I'm sure a lot of us here feel for you terribly but don't know what to say. Friends and family will probably be in the same situation. They won't know if talking about him would help you, or avoiding the subject and providing distraction, or even whether that is changing day by day or moment by moment. Hopefully you have people who can figure it out. But it could help you if you let them know. Like if swapping good memories of him would help, don't be afraid to reach out to those in your life who can share that with you and let them know.  Or if you just need to get away and have your attention diverted for awhile. I imagine you'll have no shortage of people who will want to help you and be there for you, but just might not know the best way to do that for the both of you.

I don't think it's selfish for you to escape by work or sports if that will help you. Only you and your wife can figure out what is the right amount. Maybe an open discussion about it with her, so you both know what can help and how it will affect the other.

I think I would take all of the pictures I could. Some have said in time they reached a point that looking back in their photo album brought more cherished memories than pain.

I really hope for the best for you and your wife. One of the greatest sayings I have ever heard, is that love is the one thing that when you give it, you end up with more than you had before. I hope the worst of the pain will pass and that you and your wife will be able to share the love you have with others, whether family, friends, or even another child someday.

Best wishes to the both of you, and the FFA is going to be here as long as you need us, GB.

 
So sorry for you and the Mrs... can't even imagine how you must be feeling.

Continued kudos to the two of you for bringing this amazing little dude in and up. 

 
Very unfair - so sorry to hear this Woz.  

My only comment would be not to let one bad beat cause you to not put yourselves back out there again. It's obvious you and your wife are awesome parents with huge hearts; it would be tragic if the pain from this awful situation meant some kid(s) missed out the love and parenting you guys are willing and able to provide. 

 
Very unfair - so sorry to hear this Woz.  

My only comment would be not to let one bad beat cause you to not put yourselves back out there again. It's obvious you and your wife are awesome parents with huge hearts; it would be tragic if the pain from this awful situation meant some kid(s) missed out the love and parenting you guys are willing and able to provide. 
Yeah, definitely this. You and your wife sound like good parents. Don't let this stop you from trying to adopt another child.

Regarding how to get over the loss, unfortunately, you will need to give it time. Make sure you and your wife have plenty of time and opportunities to speak freely to one another and simply be around each other for support ....whether this means it's laughing about the fun times or crying about missing him. Be there for one another and try to stay positive for the future.

Good luck and I wish you the best.

 
Wow. I don't know what to say but good luck and I'm sure you and the wife will figure out how to best cope with this. Best wishes.

 
This is why my wife and I decided private adoption and not foster care as we really cannot go through that pain again. I definitely feel for you. 
We looked into this as well.

Decided to spend our money on IVF instead. 

 
Very unfair - so sorry to hear this Woz.  

My only comment would be not to let one bad beat cause you to not put yourselves back out there again. It's obvious you and your wife are awesome parents with huge hearts; it would be tragic if the pain from this awful situation meant some kid(s) missed out the love and parenting you guys are willing and able to provide. 
I can't believe I didn't mention this in the OP, but we do have a wonderful foster daughter as well. We do have a legitimate shot of adopting her. She's almost the exact same age. We are a bit worried about the impact of her foster brother as well. 

 
you guys are foster parents with the county/state, or are you associated with an agency/provider? Hopefully it is the latter, and unfortunately you guys should have been made aware of this much earlier in the process with permanency. really seems like the system screwed up ina few ways

one thing i can say is initial decision to help with foster care helped this kid a lot, even if it isn't all tangible now. i know with foster parents i work with, having a connection with each other and others who went through similar experiences helps a bunch. 

 
Last edited by a moderator:
My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine what you and your wife are going through. There is no need to add qualifiers - you are losing a child. What you're going through is deeply painful and you are entitled to feel however you feel. 

 
Thank you everyone for the nice comments as well. We are trying to stay upbeat. Just hard to see fairness sometimes. My wife wants nothing more than to be a mom and she's great at it. She's with her kids all day whereas I can escape at work. I fear it's going to hit her harder and there's not much more I can do about it. 

 
Man that's tough. Hope you guys (and the little ones) pull through this ok.

Whatever happens, make sure you stay with the counseling. You're making the right decision there.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
so i know this is super tough to think about or want to do now, but i have worked with foster parents in this situation who reach out to the bio parent and try to mentor them or give them advice to better care for the kid. i would have a real hard time doing this, but i know people who have and have felt better about it and the process

 
so i know this is super tough to think about or want to do now, but i have worked with foster parents in this situation who reach out to the bio parent and try to mentor them or give them advice to better care for the kid. i would have a real hard time doing this, but i know people who have and have felt better about it and the process
We have started doing this to the extent his biological mom will let us. It's definitely something we want. 

 
you guys are foster parents with the county/state, or are you associated with an agency/provider? Hopefully it is the latter, and unfortunately you guys should have been made aware of this much earlier in the process with permanency. really seems like the system screwed up ina few ways

one thing i can say is initial decision to help with foster care helped this kid a lot, even if it isn't all tangible now. i know with foster parents i work with, having a connection with each other and others who went through similar experiences helps a bunch. 
We are with a private agency. For some background though I have represented dozens of parents and children going through the dependency and/or severance process. I couldn't imagine having gone through this process without having the familiarity of the process that I do. 

Regarding your comments about this case, I don't want to get into specifics, but this case has certainly not gone the way law and policy suggests it should have. 

 
We are with a private agency. For some background though I have represented dozens of parents and children going through the dependency and/or severance process. I couldn't imagine having gone through this process without having the familiarity of the process that I do. 

Regarding your comments about this case, I don't want to get into specifics, but this case has certainly not gone the way law and policy suggests it should have. 
yeah that really sucks, but lean on your agency if you guys want. People who run foster care programs, etc. are certainly not in it for the money, and they may be able to provide some thoughts. Sounds like you and your wife are certainly being proactive to help process, but I oversee a foster care program and i know staff have no problem going above and beyond helping out foster families who go through some crap

 
  • Smile
Reactions: Zow
You and your wife are good people. Lean on each other and you'll get through this together. Best of luck and I hope you'll have the opportunity again to reach out and positively affect another child's life.

 
Damn.  My only advice is to be yourself---because while your original post truly is tear jerking--it also gives me faith in humanity knowing that there are great people in the world out there like you and your wife.  I know you said to keep things secular--but god bless you all.  

 
I feel awful for you and your wife. I also feel awful for the little guy, he isn't going to understand what is going on when the transition happens. 

Be there for your wife and hopefully you both will eventually be able to be proud on how incredibly selfless you were in providing the little guy a great start to his life.

 
Obviously don't know the circumstances, but it makes me mad that a bio mom would come back a couple years later with "JK I'll take him."

 
Nothing I can say that hasn't already been said. Sorry to hear it, man. I'd imagine I would be very frustrated and upset at the system, the universe, etc. too. Hang in there, GB. 

 
What an incredible gift you have given this boy, your son! And what a gift he has given you. The love has changed his life and both of yours, forever. You'll always have that. 

It's a tremendously unselfish thing you did. Be grateful. Continue to be vulnerable. You're doing life right. Keep doing it. Love you GB. 

 
You guys have done a great thing for this kid.  I bet the kid you guys fostered is the new hot shot attorney representing the criminal in your dream. 

Good luck with everything. 

 
Faith, my friend. Not religion, faith. It was faith that gave you the chance to make a life right, it is faith giving the same to your little girl. It is faith will get you past this. It will be faith might break your heart and make a life again. Order, purpose, i do not know or understand, but it will not take my faith. I shared in your faith and am better for it and hope you'll be better for mine. That's what there is.

 
Obviously don't know the circumstances, but it makes me mad that a bio mom would come back a couple years later with "JK I'll take him."
Some friends of friends of mine have adopted three kids through a similar foster process.  The first one they fostered as an infant, parental rights were in the process of being terminated.  Mother had to go through certain steps to get the child back, court dates, treatment, etc.  She would do her duties in the beginning, making it look like she was on track, then she would start missing, making it look like she fell off the wagon, or was no longer interested, and this couple would get hopeful.  Then she would make a last effort and make some court dates and make an effort to get the child, only to actually sign off giving up rights in the end.  They have adopted two more of this women's younger children as she has gotten pregnant twice more and gone through the same process two more times (they state came to this couple to foster the next two as they like to keep siblings together).  This woman has 9 kids total.  The first six were with family, but they couldn't take anymore.

 

Users who are viewing this thread

Top