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Zow

Preparing for/Dealing with the loss of a child

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13 minutes ago, msommer said:

Start of a college fund?

One can hope. Honestly if it goes diapers, food, clothes, etc we'd be stoked. 

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Just now, Zow said:

One can hope. Honestly if it goes diapers, food, clothes, etc we'd be stoked. 

I was thinking you could start a college fund with that money, potentially use that as a way to stay involved over the coming years

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1 hour ago, msommer said:

I was thinking you could start a college fund with that money, potentially use that as a way to stay involved over the coming years

There's probably a few issues with this. But it's something to discuss. 

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2 hours ago, Zow said:

There's probably a few issues with this. But it's something to discuss. 

I think you can start a 529 for him.  Be happy to investigate that for you.  

Really sorry to read all this.  Heart aches for you, buddy.

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Awful. Sorry for you guys. 

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Zow - I know it is of little consolation as you grieve your loss, but know that you have given this child the best possible chance at a healthy and successful future.  That is a gift beyond measure. The world needs more people like you. 

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Rollercoaster update: 

We were on a phone meeting with the state agency yesterday regarding the scheduling of my foster son going home.  Obviously very not fun and somber. We are incredibly frustrated because, despite us putting in the request over two months ago to have our foster son for the weekend of the 23rd to take him to phoenix to say goodbye to extended family, the state has unilaterally decided that this is when bio mom would start overnight visits and she'd have him the entire weekend.  When we asked about our request, the state indicated it'd be up to bio mom.  This is grossly inappropriate. 

However, during this phone meeting we received written notification that we are now free and clear to petition to adopt our foster daughter.  About to file the petition shortly.  Funnest court pleading I've ever drafted. 

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10 minutes ago, Zow said:

Rollercoaster update: 

We were on a phone meeting with the state agency yesterday regarding the scheduling of my foster son going home.  Obviously very not fun and somber. We are incredibly frustrated because, despite us putting in the request over two months ago to have our foster son for the weekend of the 23rd to take him to phoenix to say goodbye to extended family, the state has unilaterally decided that this is when bio mom would start overnight visits and she'd have him the entire weekend.  When we asked about our request, the state indicated it'd be up to bio mom.  This is grossly inappropriate. 

However, during this phone meeting we received written notification that we are now free and clear to petition to adopt our foster daughter.  About to file the petition shortly.  Funnest court pleading I've ever drafted. 

Congratulations!!!!  I'm heart broken and thrilled for you at the same time.  

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14 minutes ago, Zow said:

Rollercoaster update: 

We were on a phone meeting with the state agency yesterday regarding the scheduling of my foster son going home.  Obviously very not fun and somber. We are incredibly frustrated because, despite us putting in the request over two months ago to have our foster son for the weekend of the 23rd to take him to phoenix to say goodbye to extended family, the state has unilaterally decided that this is when bio mom would start overnight visits and she'd have him the entire weekend.  When we asked about our request, the state indicated it'd be up to bio mom.  This is grossly inappropriate. 

However, during this phone meeting we received written notification that we are now free and clear to petition to adopt our foster daughter.  About to file the petition shortly.  Funnest court pleading I've ever drafted. 

Congratulations.  This is his biological sister, correct?

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23 minutes ago, Henry Ford said:

Congratulations.  This is his biological sister, correct?

No. Completely unrelated. Our daughter was placed with us in the early spring of 2016.  We got our foster son after he got out of the hospital in October 2015. 

The reference to our foster son's biological sister was that the state, back in November 2016, asked us to adopt her too (and then changed their minds a month later with no explanation - although I have my educated guesses).  She was placed elsewhere.  Long, confusing story. 

Edited by Zow

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Somehow I missed all this.

You and your wife are damn good people.   I can't imagine what you two are going through.  

Glad to hear about the little girl though. :thumbup: 

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Best of luck. It's terrible, because the option that keeps the child with you means that someone else failed to be a mother.

My sister-in-law adopted the child of a woman who had killed her other children and became pregnant (from another inmate) while incarcerated.

Took 6 years to terminate the parental rights.

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Damn. But you will still ask the bio mom about taking your son with you on the trip, I hope? 

And congrats on the daughter news. 

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5 minutes ago, OrtonToOlsen said:

Somehow I missed all this.

You and your wife are damn good people.   I can't imagine what you two are going through.  

Glad to hear about the little girl though. :thumbup: 

Ditto.  I don't know what else to say. 

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I can't even begin to imagine how much this must hurt.  Give your little girl a sqeeze.  She's a lucky child.

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6 minutes ago, Nathan R. Jessep said:

Damn. But you will still ask the bio mom about taking your son with you on the trip, I hope? 

And congrats on the daughter news. 

We decided not to as that puts her is an unfair position.  She's never spent a night with her son.  Can't imagine her wanting to give that up for any reason, let alone possibly feeling guilted into it by the people she likely views as unwanted babysitters that shouldn't have had him in the first place. 

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32 minutes ago, Zow said:

We decided not to as that puts her is an unfair position.  She's never spent a night with her son.  Can't imagine her wanting to give that up for any reason, let alone possibly feeling guilted into it by the people she likely views as unwanted babysitters that shouldn't have had him in the first place. 

Yeah, understandable. Gutwrenching but respectable decision. 

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1 hour ago, Gawain said:

My sister-in-law adopted the child of a woman who had killed her other children and became pregnant (from another inmate) while incarcerated.

Co-ed prison?

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1 minute ago, AAABatteries said:

Co-ed prison?

Penal Mental Institution (not sure the correct term these days), which yes, can be co-ed.

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3 minutes ago, Gawain said:

Penal Mental Institution (not sure the correct term these days), which yes, can be co-ed.

Wait, there are institutions for penises with mental health issues?

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Just now, Ditkaless Wonders said:

Wait, there are institutions for penises with mental health issues?

I think they treat mental illness with a prescription for penises.

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(Incidentally, this is why crazy women are good in bed)

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Just now, Ditkaless Wonders said:

Wait, there are institutions for penises with mental health issues?

Yeah, it's called FlawShank.

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2 minutes ago, Ditkaless Wonders said:

Wait, there are institutions for penises with mental health issues?

Well, this woman was treated with at least one, which led her to have the kid my sister-in-law adopted.

I can't imagine that pillow talk.

"What you in for?"

"Killing my kids"

Cool, want to make another?"

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2 hours ago, Ditkaless Wonders said:

Wait, there are institutions for penises with mental health issues?

Marriage?

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So happy for this silver lining update, woz.

All the best- you and the wife have been truly inspiring through all of this.

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12 hours ago, Zow said:

We decided not to as that puts her is an unfair position.  She's never spent a night with her son.  Can't imagine her wanting to give that up for any reason, let alone possibly feeling guilted into it by the people she likely views as unwanted babysitters that shouldn't have had him in the first place. 

Youre a better man than me, to have that kind of consideration for others in the situation. 

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16 hours ago, Zow said:

Rollercoaster update: 

We were on a phone meeting with the state agency yesterday regarding the scheduling of my foster son going home.  Obviously very not fun and somber. We are incredibly frustrated because, despite us putting in the request over two months ago to have our foster son for the weekend of the 23rd to take him to phoenix to say goodbye to extended family, the state has unilaterally decided that this is when bio mom would start overnight visits and she'd have him the entire weekend.  When we asked about our request, the state indicated it'd be up to bio mom.  This is grossly inappropriate. 

However, during this phone meeting we received written notification that we are now free and clear to petition to adopt our foster daughter.  About to file the petition shortly.  Funnest court pleading I've ever drafted. 

Man, this post could basically have been written by every single one of my friends that has dealt with the foster system. Tremendous highs and tremendous lows and a system that somehow manages to screw over and #### off everyone involved.

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On 9/3/2017 at 1:16 PM, Zow said:

One can hope. Honestly if it goes diapers, food, clothes, etc we'd be stoked. 

Why not just buy diapers, clothes and gift certificates to grocery stores so you can be sure that is how the many is spent. You can buy different sizes of diapers and clothes so they are used over time as he grows.

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i am a firm believer that life gives us all opportunities to step up and do something truly good and it is not always easy to recognize those chances or to take them on and sometimes they end up breaking your heart even though they undeniably help someone else woz i have nothing good in the way of advice except to say that i hope you wake up every day and realize that when the call came you and your wife both answered it and you helped out two lives in the process and in the end that is one hell of a good thing to have done good on you and i hope you find peace

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1 hour ago, Snickers said:

Why not just buy diapers, clothes and gift certificates to grocery stores so you can be sure that is how the many is spent. You can buy different sizes of diapers and clothes so they are used over time as he grows.

We've considered this, too. It's quite a bit of money though so not sure how it'd work logistically. 

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Something similar happened during adoption of a relative of mine.  Dad showed up & made things difficult, eventually signed off.  This was like 20 years ago, and it was my mother's cousin who was trying to adopt.  They wouldn't let the baby stay with my mom's cousin, so we watched the baby until it was sorted out.  I think the state didn't want the mother to get too attached in case the adoption didn't go through.

Good luck to you Woz.  You guys did a great thing, but bad things sometimes happen to good people.  

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Really, really hard day today. 

Today was the little guy's second birthday. No fanfare, no gifts sent in from relatives like there would with any other child (we are already getting adoption gifts in for our daughter and that's still one month away), and, sadly, absolutely nothing from his biological mother throughout the day (he had a really good visit with her this past weekend so we were hoping for maybe an email request for a picture or something but got nothing). 

We didn't have a party for him for two reasons. First, we thought it would just be too hard and therefore unfair to others to celebrate his day only to say goodbye for the last time. Second, tonight was the only night our family counselor could see us before our son leaves for good .  

I really like our counselor and am glad that we've gone, but tonight the counseling appointment was pretty rough and ended terribly.  Our son leaves on the weekend of my wife's birthday and she's had a really nice, all-out Disney trip with her best friend and sister and mom planned for nearly one year. Despite our counselor advising us against being apart those few days, my wife still wanted to go (it'll be a nice escape and she's already paid for some pre-paid tours or something).  I'm in support because her immediately going off to Disney with her mom the day our last ivf embryo failed did help her. Personally, I'm struggling to decide between just spending the weekend alone with my daughter or having family up to help and setting aside some time to get drunk and go play golf.  Regardless, our counselor appropriately but directly advised us he thinks this is a terrible plan. Further, he gently suggested we start warming to the idea that we need to accept the reality that he just isn't our son. Both things were really rough to hear and upset my wife quite a bit.

On the way home I did stop and get my foster son a birthday cupcake. We sang him happy birthday and took a few photos of him enjoying it. My wife had to excuse herself in the middle of it despite us doing our best to be enthusiastic for him. It was nice but we are both finding the time with him to be more difficult.

Hardest part for me though came after dinner. Per our usual routine I took the kids into our playroom to wrestle around and simply hang out with them while my wife cleans up dinner and gets their bedtime stuff ready. One of their umpteen toy sets in the playroom is this combo mini basketball hoop/soccer goal thingy. I don't remember how or why but one of the balls rolled near me and I picked it up and nonchalantly shot it at the hoop. Something I've done probably a doesn't times before and, sometimes, one of the kids will laugh or go over and hit the hoop or goal or whatever but they've been too little to comprehend what it was I was trying to do.

This time something different happened. The ball bounced over to my foster son and he picked it and, to my surprise, he threw it soccer throw-in style right to me from like five feet away. He's never done anything like this before and I didn't think he was able to both physically do it or mentally grasp the concept. Nonetheless, I gently tossed the ball back to him to see if he'd do it again. He picked it up and threw it back to me yet.  For the next five or so minutes (a long time for the attention span of a two year old) we had a catch.  

I love baseball. My fondest memories of my own father are playing catch in the backyard or him pitching tennis balls to me at this park by our house. One of my biggest anticipated regrets throughout this entire process was that, amongst other activities like talking to him about dating, helping with homework, etc. is that I'd never get to simply play catch with my son. While it's something I never thought would happen and doubt will ever happen again for both my foster son (his biological father is very likely out of the picture forever) and me, for five minutes we played catch. And it's nearly broken me. I don't know how else to describe it other than the simultaneous highest and lowest point of my life. By the time he lost interest I had begun crying for the first time throughout this two year process. I'm doing so now as well as I type this out.

For those of you with sons please find time this weekend to do something with them; be that go fishing, build something from scratch, screw up hide and seek like GM, hit the driving range, watch a game together, or play catch. 

 

 

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Jesus Christ, man. You brought a single guy with no kids to finding a bit too much dust in the room. I'm not crying, it's the dust.

Keep being the family you are. You are bringing JOY into the world. That is so very important.

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And I'm just crying.  Those memories are so precious.

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Woz really, I have no words.  My thoughts are with you.

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On 9/3/2017 at 0:03 AM, bigbottom said:

Zow - I know it is of little consolation as you grieve your loss, but know that you have given this child the best possible chance at a healthy and successful future.  That is a gift beyond measure. The world needs more people like you. 

This is the way I see it also.  It won't help in the immediate future but know that you have something to a person that cannot ever be replaced 

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