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General Malaise

Have a laugh on me - you need it, I need it, we all need it.

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Not to turn this into a terrible twins thread. But our two boys decided to take off their diapers one evening and mow their poop with the bubble mowers they just got as a gift. There was #### trails all over the carpet. Took me hours to clean before finally deciding to replace the carpet. 

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Just now, KCitons said:

Not to turn this into a terrible twins thread. But our two boys decided to take off their diapers one evening and mow their poop with the bubble mowers they just got as a gift. There was #### trails all over the carpet. Took me hours to clean before finally deciding to replace the carpet. 

I remember waking up one morning when my brother was visiting with his 2 kids. I go to the bathroom and there is a 6" turd log on my hardwood floors right in front of the bathroom. I peek into the bedroom that was right there, and my 2 year old nephew is sitting there with the biggest effing grin on his face.

I look at my brother, who is sleeping on the floor, wake him up, point to the turd at my feet, and say:

You. 

 

:lol:

Edited by ChiefD
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Just now, KCitons said:

Not to turn this into a terrible twins thread. But our two boys decided to take off their diapers one evening and mow their poop with the bubble mowers they just got as a gift. There was #### trails all over the carpet. Took me hours to clean before finally deciding to replace the carpet. 

:lol:

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First off how are you now :).  Next, i know it is too late but, youtube is your friend when you cant figure things out.  They have idiot proof step-by-step instructions for those of us that struggle with simple tasks.  

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10 minutes ago, General Malaise said:

No, it requires a key.  A key we don't have.  A key I didn't know we didn't have but my wife knew so I blame her. :hot:

 

Before I get to the above, this is why the Malaise kids cry episode #423?

Flip the door knob so the lock is on the outside, not on the inside of the room. WALA! Serves a dual purpose, the monsters never lock you out and you now have the ability to confine them when needed.

And I know you aren't handy so I'll offer my assistance, just cost you a round trip ticket :thumbup:

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5 minutes ago, beer 30 said:

Before I get to the above, this is why the Malaise kids cry episode #423?

Flip the door knob so the lock is on the outside, not on the inside of the room. WALA! Serves a dual purpose, the monsters never lock you out and you now have the ability to confine them when needed.

And I know you aren't handy so I'll offer my assistance, just cost you a round trip ticket :thumbup:

Please don't do this.  Someone could get locked in that room and not be able to get out.  Not a good situation if there was a fire or other emergency.

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5 minutes ago, beer 30 said:

Flip the door knob so the lock is on the outside, not on the inside of the room. WALA! Serves a dual purpose, the monsters never lock you out and you now have the ability to confine them when needed.

 That works great until the little devils realize they can lock their dad in their bedroom and ransack the rest of the house. Yeah, I think I'd either leave it as is or get a door knob without a lock. :yes:

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1 minute ago, rick6668 said:

Please don't do this.  Someone could get locked in that room and not be able to get out.  Not a good situation if there was a fire or other emergency.

Seems like that's kind of the point. 

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9 minutes ago, beer 30 said:

Before I get to the above, this is why the Malaise kids cry episode #423?

Flip the door knob so the lock is on the outside, not on the inside of the room. WALA! Serves a dual purpose, the monsters never lock you out and you now have the ability to confine them when needed.

And I know you aren't handy so I'll offer my assistance, just cost you a round trip ticket :thumbup:

There's a new door knob now.  No lock.

 

My wife installed in. :bag:

 

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4 minutes ago, rick6668 said:

Please don't do this.  Someone could get locked in that room and not be able to get out.  Not a good situation if there was a fire or other emergency.

Pull the panties out bud, just joking :rolleyes:

My teenager had a bad habit of locking her door to keep us out because, you know, teenagers. So I took the door.

She eventually got door privileges back...with a knob that doesn't lock :hifive:

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First, this belongs HERE.  I feel like you're going to need that link a lot in the coming years.

Second, you're 100% right about one thing.  You are the King of Idiots.

 

Best of luck going forward, you're gonna need it!

Edited by Kanil

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4 minutes ago, beer 30 said:

Pull the panties out bud, just joking :rolleyes:

My teenager had a bad habit of locking her door to keep us out because, you know, teenagers. So I took the door.

She eventually got door privileges back...with a knob that doesn't lock :hifive:

:hifive:

All good.

Just don't want to see anyone ever do this.  Pretty sure it's against codes.  Here's an example where it turned deadly http://archive.jsonline.com/news/crime/west-allis-mother-charged-in-fire-deaths-of-3-children-e89j722-203281981.html/

Granted, the Mom was a POS and left the kids home alone, but you should never set up a room to lock you from getting out.

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gm you are the man thanks for giving the old swcer a laugh when he needs one take that to the bank brochacho

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Assuming you have a minivan now to schlep your brood around town, it reminds me of a bumper sticker I just saw the other day on a minivan that made me chuckle.

In simple lettering: "I used to be cool"

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49 minutes ago, rick6668 said:

Please don't do this.  Someone could get locked in that room and not be able to get out.  Not a good situation if there was a fire or other emergency.

I'm pretty sure I've told this story here before but anyways....One summer, circa 1992 my father installed new carpet in the upstairs hallway. In order for the bathroom door to close correctly he had to remove said door and sand down the bottom a bit.

Fast forward to that spring. I'm a budding adolescent in the eighth grade. My father would leave for work very early in the morning, say 6am. My sister would leave around 7am, my mother around 7:30 and I would be the last to leave around 7:45. I went to school across the street so I walked. No need for an early bus pick up or one of my parents to drop me off. Per routine, my mother would poke her head in the bathroom door while I was showering to let me know she was leaving.

I get out of the shower and dry off. Pop a few zits, brush my teeth, spray the pits with some Arid Extra Dry. I reach for the door to open and the knob won't turn. It was locked from the outside. I tried running into the door 10 times or so to try and knock it down. No dice. I tried shoving Q-tips and any other of the limited items I had access to into the keyhole to push the lock out. No dice.

I normally walked with 2 young neighborhood kids across the busy highway (about 75 yards away from my house). They must have waited and being dumb 3rd and 1st graders never thought to come to my house and check on me. As they walked through the park towards the highway and the crossing guard got out of her car I started screaming out the window for help. No dice.

So naturally, I masturbated. Piled up all the fresh towels and too a nap. Masturbated again. Cleaned the tub and sink. Masturbated. Took another nap. Pretty standard stuff, really.

I heard my sister came home from lunch so I started pounding on the door and yelling "HELP! HELP! I'M STUCK IN THE BATHROOM!". My sister, dropped to the floor and started screaming herself. There might have been a little pee. That still hasn't been confirmed nor denied.

It was a relatively happy ending as my sister gathered enough courage to come upstairs and open the door for me a few minutes after the screaming and tears subsided. My end of the year project was due that morning but I was granted a reprieve and was able to hand it in when I got there that afternoon. This was right after the cryptosporidium outbreak in Milwaukee so it was rumored that I was ####ting my brains out the whole morning which was quite embarrassing as a 14 year old. My mother went ape#### on the school for not calling her because of my unexcused absence which in turn changed their policy. Come to find out somehow my dad had installed the door upside down and my mother must have inadvertently pushed the lock in after letting me know she was leaving.

I think this might be a subconscious reason why I drink.

Fin

Edited by strykerpks
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6 minutes ago, Getzlaf15 said:

Why didn't they lock the door the first time when they hid?

I don't know, they don't really tell me their reasoning.  They are just here to kill me.  Slowly.

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5 minutes ago, General Malaise said:

 

15 minutes ago, belljr said:

O/U number of broken credit cards

1.5

Under, but yes, I broke a credit card trying to open the door. :bag:

 

 

:moneybag:

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7 minutes ago, strykerpks said:

So naturally, I masturbated. Piled up all the fresh towels and too a nap. Masturbated again. Cleaned the tub and sink. Masturbated. Took another nap. Pretty standard stuff, really.

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Best part of my day is coming home to my 10 month old twin girls, seeing them smile, and watching them play "together"

I read this story with a mixture of laughter and foreboding. 

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Doesn't involve locks but it does involve unattended children,  aka, my middle child shortly after transitioning to a toddler bed and finding an open container of diaper cream 

Surprisingly not GMs kid

Edited by Dan Lambskin
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28 minutes ago, Ned said:

:lmao: so awesome

Having a door is a privilege earned at the 30 house. Set expectations early and they are less likely to call family services on you later on :thumbup:

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You couldn't just take the door off it's hinges? I have to assume even if you aren't handy this was considered but the hinges are on the inside.

Edited by Buzzbait

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Just now, beer 30 said:

Having a door is a privilege earned at the 30 house. Set expectations early and they are less likely to call family services on you later on :thumbup:

 

Just now, beer 30 said:

Having a door is a privilege earned at the 30 house. Set expectations early and they are less likely to call family services on you later on :thumbup:

 

Just now, beer 30 said:

Having a door is a privilege earned at the 30 house. Set expectations early and they are less likely to call family services on you later on :thumbup:

OK. We get it. 

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1 hour ago, General Malaise said:

This went on for over 30 minutes.  And in that time, I could hear them throwing things in their room; their CD player, books; to them, this was a party with no rules.

 

When I got to this point, I was thinking to myself  "if that was my son he'd be naked by now".  I can't even mention the word "party" around him without him threatening to get naked. 

 

One day last week when Mommy went to work for the night, I said to the kids "All right kids, now that Mommy is gone it's party time".  Dude was off the sofa that second trying to get his shirt off while saying "With our clothes off?".  No son, leave your clothes on. 

Over the weekend I mentioned something about how when Granny and Gramps showed up for his sister's softball tourney we were going to have a party... I barely even finished saying it out loud when he asked "Can we take our clothes off?"  Eww.  Gross.  No.   

His kindergarten class has a halloween party coming up soon, I am already dreading the phone call I am going to get from his teacher about that.  I am thinking that I am going to have to layer him up so that the teacher has time to stop him before his ditches his Captain America costume for the "We're going streaking" costume that lil' dude naturally associates with parties. 

 

1 hour ago, General Malaise said:

 When I finally broke in, they were butt naked and had destroyed their room. 

:lmao: there it is!  Boys :rolleyes:  

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