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My son has a crazy gf. what to do? (1 Viewer)

jomar

jomar

Footballguy
My oldest son is in 8th grade.  This came up kind of quick as he is pretty shy and awkward, but he somehow has a 'girlfriend'.  They've been 'dating' for one month and spend a whole lot of time messaging each other on Instagram.  We just discovered this in the last week or so.  We've read the messages and the theme of almost all of them are: 'I'm not pretty', 'I'm fat', 'no one else likes me but you', 'you are all I have', etc... But there are others where she talks about taking sleeping pills to kill herself, jumping off of the roof of her house, or cutting herself.  We talked to our son over the weekend about it but I'm not exactly sure what route to take here.  We've told him that this is not normal, she needs some help, and that she is manipulating him.  Following their messages since our talk, he seems to believe us but thinks that he can 'save' her.  when my wife asked if she has cut herself in the past (something she gleaned from the messages), he said yes but that 'he put a stop to that'.  

If I just tell him he can't 'date' this girl, it could make things worse.  I'm leaning this direction anyway as he's only in 8th grade so I can play it off like you can't date any girl, not just this one.  I'll cut off any lines of communication and they could only talk/see each other at school, not much I can do about that.  I could even make him transfer schools if it really came to that.

not really sure what else we can do.  From what we've been able to gather, her mom has OD'd twice (or so the gf has said, not sure what she OD'd on if that matters), and she is the 3rd of 3 girls so the parents don't really care too much what she does.  Letting the school know could backfire too but I'm just not sure what is the correct way to go here.

what would you do?  any advice would be appreciated.  thanks in advance

 
Make sure he knows how to use a condom and stock him up.

I’d guess he’s going to do what he wants to do but you are giving him good advice and are aware of the situation which is important.

The “saving her” line rang a bell with me. My younger brother had an extremely crazy first wife. You could see it talking to her in 5 minutes. He had the “save her” mentality.

GL.

 
Tough spot. Would he be willing to notify the school counselor? If he truly cares for this girl and wants to help her, that's the most level-headed thing I can think to do. Might piss her off, but  if he does nothing, a wrong move at any point, and he may have a suicide on his conscience. At least this would be doing something that could potentially help her, although it sounds like it's a long shot given her family situation. 

 
The parents are the first people who should know.

And you should block her on all social media.

 
All I can tell you is what I would do if my son ran into this. He's in 6th grade now, but I know this is right around the corner.

If he is "dating" someone who mentions anything about hurting herself or killing herself, I'm either contacting her parents or the school. I've had to live with the fact that someone I knew committed suicide years ago, and all the warning signs were there. I just didn't know at the time what to look for.

So I vowed I would never ignore those signs again. And if the fall out is that my son is mad at me for awhile, then so be it. I'm a parent first. 

 
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i agree that you sort of have to tell her parents and the school cutting yourself is a really dangerous path to be on and it will be tough for you but hey brohan sometimes you have to parent up and do the tough job it just is what it is and it might end up with her getting help and maybe you save her life honest advice 

 
Tell the guidance counselor asap. As awful as this sounds, if something were to happen to her, you could be held accountable for not sharing the info. 

It is still early enough for her to get help. Then do everything you can to distance your son. Tell him she needs time to get better and relationships don't help. 

Imo

 
I would talk to parents and school. Then maybe child protective services. She has threatened to kill herself. If she's faking she needs to learn not to fake. If she's serious she needs help. 

 
Clown Car said:
I would talk to parents and school. Then maybe child protective services. She has threatened to kill herself. If she's faking she needs to learn not to fake. If she's serious she needs help. 
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Yep. Not much more to add - you can’t ignore this.

 
Your son is too young to date, and this is exactly the reason why. 13-year-olds do not understand how emotions work.

Your son should not be dating this girl, period. She is emotionally disturbed and needs help. If you don't keep them apart, then her instability WILL rub off on him and he will start to develop similar traits.

He may think that it's "unfair", but the truth is that it's unfair for him to have to experience the burden of a mentally ill person. He needs to understand that healthy relationships DO NOT work like this. Teach him now or else he'll seek out troubled girls for the rest of his life because it's all that he knows.

 
Tough situation. Notify the school, notify her parents. Best of luck to you and your son and keep that in the bank, as the old SWC'er would say.  

 
A good friend of mine had to cancel plans we had one Saturday because the night before he found out his 15 year old daughter's boyfriend hung and killed himself. In other words, take this seriously because it happens.

 
Funny, I wouldn't contact the parents at all. Only opens up room for them to finger point and say you don't know what you are talking about. Let the school notify the family. By law, they are obligated to do so. 

 
Id at least start with the parents. Seems like the decent thing to do. If they are confrontational or don't take action and it continues, then notify the school. They're trained to handle this type of thing. My buddy's daughter threatened to hurt herself when she wasn't getting her way. They went to the guidance counselor who ordered a full-blown evaluation. It was a very long and embarrassing ordeal for her, and she fully admitted that she was only doing it for attention, but she learned a valuable life-lesson that there are better ways of dealing with things when you don't get your way.

 
I would tell the school rather than finding the parents especially since at least 1  family member has drug issues and you don't know what you may be walking into. As for your son, even if you take away his phone and internet, he can still see her in school. If nothing changes, time to change schools. The only way is for the school to get with the parents to deal with it. You can ask them not to say who reported her. If the family is messed up best you stay away from them and let the professionals handle it. Imo..

 
She needs help, and obviously you can't help her. So get her help. Get hold of her parents, or if you can't, then share what you've seen with the school.

Unless of course you just don't give a crap if she kills herself.

Or maybe  this is just some shtick for hooking people like me into responding. If so, well done... and carry on. 

 
AcerFC said:
Funny, I wouldn't contact the parents at all. Only opens up room for them to finger point and say you don't know what you are talking about. Let the school notify the family. By law, they are obligated to do so. 
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This is the problem today.  People don't talk to each other.  They have the Instagram messages, talk to the parents first and if things don't change then talk to the school councilor

 
Foosball God said:
This is the problem today.  People don't talk to each other.  They have the Instagram messages, talk to the parents first and if things don't change then talk to the school councilor
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As a teacher, I have seen this go south more times than I can count. In a rational normal world, you are right. 

 
If, hypothetically, some parent saw your son's texts and they said the same thing...what would you want them to do?  That is probably what you should do...

 
AcerFC said:
Foosball God said:
This is the problem today.  People don't talk to each other.  They have the Instagram messages, talk to the parents first and if things don't change then talk to the school councilor
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As a teacher, I have seen this go south more times than I can count. In a rational normal world, you are right. 
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I get what you're saying, but from a parent's perspective- I want to know this stuff right away. I get that the school can provide help- but I'd rather keep it as in-family as possible.

and yeah- you need to get in touch with the parents immediately. "my son's received these texts from your daughter and we felt it was important you should know. If there's anything we can do to help or if you need us step back, please let us know". worry about the issue going south later- this girl is in danger now.

and it is absolutely NOT on your 8th grade son's shoulders to handle this one. great that he cares and wants to- but leave it to her family and/or professionals.

 
My closest buddy just had the cops show up to his house a few weekends ago, unannounced.

They were there because his daughter's boyfriend (both in 9th grade) had threatened suicide, the cops checked his phone and tracked down my buddy's daughter.  Cops had lots of questions about how they knew about this and why they didn't do anything.  My buddy had no clue, but he and his daughter got grilled pretty bad by the cops.

They take this stuff very serious, and rightfully so.  But I would absolutely not contact the parents.  Now that you know this information, this is as much a legal issue as it is a "right thing to do" issue. Good luck man, first thing you do is call the school.

 
My closest buddy just had the cops show up to his house a few weekends ago, unannounced.

They were there because his daughter's boyfriend (both in 9th grade) had threatened suicide, the cops checked his phone and tracked down my buddy's daughter. Cops had lots of questions about how they knew about this and why they didn't do anything. My buddy had no clue, but he and his daughter got grilled pretty bad by the cops.

They take this stuff very serious, and rightfully so. But I would absolutely not contact the parents. Now that you know this information, this is as much a legal issue as it is a "right thing to do" issue. Good luck man, first thing you do is call the school.
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Why not contact both the parents and the school? What if you only notify the school but they fail to follow protocol? Or maybe it's a Friday afternoon and everyone is gone for the weekend.

Is there a reason why the parents shouldn't be contacted?

 
Joe Summer said:
Why not contact both the parents and the school? What if you only notify the school but they fail to follow protocol? Or maybe it's a Friday afternoon and everyone is gone for the weekend.

Is there a reason why the parents shouldn't be contacted?
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If parents thought like you a me, and the FFA, we would appreciate the phone call.  But like @AcerFC said, 'rational' is the key word here, and likely something you will not get from this parent. 

As many posters have recommended, separating your son from this situation should be goal number one, and reaching out to the parents is just the opposite of that.

 
update: the wife contacted someone at the school who is actually a friend of hers.  she is a 'mandated reporter' so she had to notify the authorities.  the cops are at her house as we speak.

I talked to my son when I got home and told him he's too young for a gf, and especially to have to deal with issues like this.  let him know if the gf mentioned this again, he was supposed to tell her to get some help and they couldn't be friends until she did.  let him know she would lash out at him and attempt to manipulate him.  right after the cops showed up, the instagram messages started rolling in:  the cops are here!!  WTF!!  I hate my life!! who did you tell?!! .  Son tells her this might be a good way to get help.  she comes back with '#### YOU, I DON'T NEED HELP'.  he says yes you do.  so hopefully she can get some help but it sounds like the bf-gf thing should be over anyway.  son seems to be taking it in stride.  hoping for the best

thanks for the responses, fellas! 

PS: (wife won't let me sleep with the mom)

 
he told her she needs help and he can't be friends with her unless she gets it.  pretty proud of him right now.

 
he told her she needs help and he can't be friends with her unless she gets it. pretty proud of him right now.
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I suspect that your son's "Spidey sense" was already going off after the original texts. That's a good sign.

 
My son(6th grade) had a girl send him some cutting pictures. We told him to tell her to go see the councilor at school. Apparently another kid told a councilor and they reached out to the family I guess. Telling someone at school is definitely the right approach. Kids are to young to have to deal with this kind of stuff. In 6th grade my main problem was hiding boners with my books, now they have to deal with this crap. Scary stuff, you can really see how easy kids can be manipulated and how good some of these girls are at doing it already. 

 
jomar said:
he told her she needs help and he can't be friends with her unless she gets it.  pretty proud of him right now.
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One thing you may talk to your son about is this:

It's ok to be friends with people who need help. This girl needs help. Another person that won't be friends with her unless she gets that help can actually pile on to dispair she may be feeling. 

Just offer to be there if she needs to talk. Meaning, be a friend. A friend that will listen and not judge. 

 
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Kraft... said:
My son(6th grade) had a girl send him some cutting pictures. We told him to tell her to go see the councilor at school. Apparently another kid told a councilor and they reached out to the family I guess. Telling someone at school is definitely the right approach. Kids are to young to have to deal with this kind of stuff. In 6th grade my main problem was hiding boners with my books, now they have to deal with this crap. Scary stuff, you can really see how easy kids can be manipulated and how good some of these girls are at doing it already. 
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Nicely sexist- as if there aren't just as many boys who are good at this stuff.

 
Funny thing how schools and teachers get blasted all the time, but when something like this comes up, the automatic response is "tell the school and let them handle it".  (and coming from a school admin, this is the correct move and I hope all parents in my school would do the same).

Dealing with situations like this is absolutely no fun though.  Trying to help young people in these situations is always gut-wrenching, and reporting to social services comes with its own emotional baggage, even when it is 100% the right thing to do (and legally required).  Irrational parents get pissed.  Kids you have worked to get a relationship with feel betrayed.  Often times there is no follow up from social services either, so you rarely know if the child is truly getting the help they need. Then they are usually dumped back in the same crappy situation that had them resorting to things like self harm in the first place. 

By the way, in some states it is required for ANYBODY regardless of profession to report suspected abuse/neglect. And by reporting, I mean directly to Child Protective Services, not just telling the school.  

 
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