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Taking in a child from a troubled home NOV '23 UPDATE: Epilogue (1 Viewer)

MikeIke

Footballguy
(warning: kinda long read) 

((TL:DR - my kid's friend needs a home and I'm considering taking her in.)) 

My sons are 12 and 10 years old. There used to be a little girl down the street who is 11 now, so right in between their ages. While she lived on our street, they were all best friends. I'll call her Padme.

At the time, Padme lived with her grandma because her mother was a drug addict (heroin) and her father was in and out of jail. She lived with her grandmother for a few years but then got shuffled off to another grandmother. My boys were sad that she was gone. We've all kept in contact over the years, through Facebook and several personal visits. So it's not like we're strangers at this point. 

Fast forward to today. None of Padme's grandparents are able to keep her at their house. The one by us is poor, and her house is infested with mold. The one she went to live with afterwards simply didn't want her. She only wanted her little sister (Padme is not blood-related to this grandma, sister is.) The grandparents she's currently living with are simply too old to keep up with an 11 year old girl. 

Tonight the grandma by us told my wife that the folks she's living with don't want her anymore. It's come to the point of them wanting to give her into foster care. Grandma by us doesn't want her to go into foster care. 

We are now presented with the opportunity to take Padme into our home. My boys love her, my wife loves her (and has always thought of her as a surrogate daughter.) The grandparents have offered to pay for a lawyer as well as ongoing child support. This would be a situation where we would become Padme's legal guardian. 

I'm not opposed to the idea. I worry about raising a girl, but what father doesn't? I worry that there are underlying psychological issues with Padme that we aren't aware of. But honestly, I've spent a lot of time with her over the last 11 years and seen nothing more than typical childhood behavior. I think the grandparents just don't want to deal with a little girl and want someone else to take her. 

So come on, FBG's: Gimme your thoughts. What could go right and what could go wrong if we take this girl in? What legal issues would we have to contend with? (paging @Henry Ford

As I read through this prior to posting, I felt I should add that I don't necessarily think Padme is troubled, but she's led a very troubled life. Switching from house to house, no one wanting her to live with them, literally having to call 911 because her mom OD'ed and was dying. This kid has had a life that no 11 year old should have to deal with. 

 
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I recall one moment in my childhood. I grew up in an incredibly abusive home, though it wasn't particularly visible. One time I was going to my friend's house down the street and before I knocked I heard him telling his folks he thought I was being abused. I held my breath and froze in place as the conversation progressed. Ultimately he was told to keep quiet and mind his own business. I was devastated, and quietly left to go back home. Can't possibly explain how devastating it was to come to a realization nobody gave a damn about me. 

I don't know which route you should take, and I can't imagine it would be an easy matter if you stick your neck out, but I'm pretty sure Padme would have a renewed faith in humanity, even if it took many years down a difficult road. 

Wishing your family and Padme the best of luck however things go. I wish we lived in a world where these scenarios wouldn't exist, but the world's a better place merely by having people like you willing to consider something like this. 

 
Legal issues that come to mind:

1. If mom or grandparent decides she wants her back, she will do anything up to and including accusing you of abusing her.

2. If the kid wants out or decides she hates you (as all teenagers do) see 1.

But I suspect you know that’s a risk.  

It’s worth taking.  

Kids are trouble.  “Troubled” kids, honestly, are often less so if you’re stable, consistent, loving, and a parent instead of a friend. And if you make it clear from day 1 that you aren’t going to get rid of her if it gets tough.  

Also, one of your boys will probably fool around with her when they’re older.  Sorry about that. 

 
Thanks everyone for the early responses. I wasn't sure what I'd get at 11:00 on a Tuesday. This is by no means a done deal, just looking at options. But I sincerely appreciate the time you took to respond. 

 
Legal issues that come to mind:

1. If mom or grandparent decides she wants her back, she will do anything up to and including accusing you of abusing her.
I've seen this firsthand. A family I know tried adopting a little girl from a troubled home. It nearly went through several times, but something came up each time. Nearly a decade later the adoption finally happened, but it got messy for a long time for exactly this reason. They'd still go through the process if they could do it again, but it really was an ugly experience they were utterly unprepared for. Can't tame crazy parents/grandparents.

 
Legal issues that come to mind:

1. If mom or grandparent decides she wants her back, she will do anything up to and including accusing you of abusing her.

2. If the kid wants out or decides she hates you (as all teenagers do) see 1.


Where are her parents? Was a drug addict,  was in and out of jail. What are they now?
Mom actually has a court order barring her from being alone with Padme. She has legally relinquished parental rights. I believe she's currently in a halfway house. Dad is currently in jail for raping Padme's aunt. 

Like I said, her home life has been a nightmare from very early on. 

 
I recall one moment in my childhood. I grew up in an incredibly abusive home, though it wasn't particularly visible. One time I was going to my friend's house down the street and before I knocked I heard him telling his folks he thought I was being abused. I held my breath and froze in place as the conversation progressed. Ultimately he was told to keep quiet and mind his own business. I was devastated, and quietly left to go back home. Can't possibly explain how devastating it was to come to a realization nobody gave a damn about me. 

I don't know which route you should take, and I can't imagine it would be an easy matter if you stick your neck out, but I'm pretty sure Padme would have a renewed faith in humanity, even if it took many years down a difficult road. 

Wishing your family and Padme the best of luck however things go. I wish we lived in a world where these scenarios wouldn't exist, but the world's a better place merely by having people like you willing to consider something like this. 
I seem to remember you sharing this story before, and it's part of the reason I'm actually considering taking her in. Part of me thinks this girl has a chance, if only someone shows her that she is loved and wanted. She hasn't had that before now. She's always been a burden to whomever she was living with, and what's worse, she knows  that's how they felt. She deserves better. 

 
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if you ever wanted to save someone’s life, here’s your chance. 


Easy to say when it's not me, but do it.  This girl is basically alone in the world and this is her fork in the road.  Be the one who guides her down the right path. Even if things might get tough at some point, they're tough with any kid.  You're changing a life.  Good luck and good for you.


Regret what you do, not what you don't do. Consider how you may feel if you choose not to pursue this and her life doesn't improve or worsens.

World needs more people like you. Best of luck.
This is what has me leaning towards doing it. I feel like I have an opportunity to completely change someone's life for the better. Without me, she may very well be lost. What kind of person says no to that? 

I know it won't be easy. But I feel like it could very well be worth it. 

 
I am not trying to be “that guy” but I will at least bring it up although I am certain you have considered this. What kind of effect will or could it have on your boys? I know you said they are friends now but what about three or four years from now? I would at least encourage you to look down that path and be comfortable with those possible scenarios before pulling the trigger.

It certainly is a wonderful opportunity to potentially change someone’s life and give her something she has never had but it will change your families life forever also, prayerfully for the best. 

That you and your family are willing to consider doing this speaks volumes about you! Praying this situation works out for the best for everyone! 

 
I am not trying to be “that guy” but I will at least bring it up although I am certain you have considered this. What kind of effect will or could it have on your boys? I know you said they are friends now but what about three or four years from now? I would at least encourage you to look down that path and be comfortable with those possible scenarios before pulling the trigger.

It certainly is a wonderful opportunity to potentially change someone’s life and give her something she has never had but it will change your families life forever also, prayerfully for the best. 

That you and your family are willing to consider doing this speaks volumes about you! Praying this situation works out for the best for everyone! 
Thank you, and that is absolutely a concern. @Henry Ford brought it up earlier in less than poetic prose "Also, one of your boys will probably fool around with her when they’re older.  Sorry about that."

My wife and I have said since they were two years old that Padme and my youngest were going to get married. So it's certainly a legitimate thought. 

Basically our thinking at this early stage is to treat her as a sister. That could very well be pie-in-the-sky thinking, but if they are raised as siblings the issue of hanky panky greatly diminishes. 

But yes, my wife has already broached the subject of keeping doors closed when alone, open when together, keeping an eye out for any clues of impropriety. It's a legitimate concern. 

ETA: She's broached it with me, not the boys. We've said nothing to them. This whole subject literally came up in the last 4 hours. So naturally, I turned to FBG. I've not been disappointed with the results so far. Thank you everyone. 

 
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I have no advice to give, but if you need any help with the child raising, I've got $50 burning a hole in my bank account.

 
I have no advice to give, but if you need any help with the child raising, I've got $50 burning a hole in my bank account.
Ooh! I should start a Gofundme account and become rich! Thanks, man! 

:sarcasm: for anyone that couldn't tell. But thank you, Scooter. 

 
I'm in no position to tell you what to do or judge, but I love that you're considering this. 

That said: Teenage girls are a heck of an ordeal, especially ones from troubled backgrounds. 

Best of luck to you and your wife regardless of how you solve this situation.  You're a good man for even considering this, MikeIke.  

 
I'm in no position to tell you what to do or judge, but I love that you're considering this. 

That said: Teenage girls are a heck of an ordeal, especially ones from troubled backgrounds. 

Best of luck to you and your wife regardless of how you solve this situation.  You're a good man for even considering this, MikeIke.  
Ugh, I've been so happy to have had two boys and a wife who had a hysterectomy. No possibility of a daughter. Now I might be jumping right into having a tween daughter without the adorable baby stage to build a loving  bond. 

I kid. I do actually have a bond with her, but nothing like if I'd had her from Day One. Teenage girls are the worst, and I'd be jumping headfirst into it. 

 
if you don't tale her in, it seems she would end up in foster care system anyway. Hate to add any pressure, and i commend you for taking her in. Set some ground rules though and see if it is what she wants. Would be great if she was open to an outpatient therapist and can discuss with a professional about all she has been through. Going fro home to home creates a huge mistrust with kids, so buckle down with that aspect cause you will have to be stubborn and persistent to let her know you guys won't give up on her as well. 

and with that, the only way i would say you shouldn't is if you aren't 100% sure you can accept her long-term. It won't be easy, but it certainly can be done and everyone can win if you guys prepare it well and are open to discuss the process. 

 
I hope this becomes a 50+ page thread with the adventures of raising a troubled teen woman.  There'll be ups and there'll be frustration times and we'll all laugh when MikeIke muffs it dad style and we'll be concerned when there's signs of her mom... and then, after 7 seasons she'll get a scholarship and it'll be dusty in every room.

 
My girlfriend had a relevant experience as well (man, birds of a feather really do flock together). Her biological father left the picture when she was very young. Her mother was crazy and neglected her. My gf didn't talk much growing up and had a relatively stunted vocabulary and poor health. She lived in a studio apartment with her mother. At one point it was a car. She eventually ran away and found her biological father. He tried arranging her marriage to her cousin in another country. She went back to living with her mom and was on a path to a pretty awful life when she got really lucky and met a coach at her high school who changed her life. He played a pivotal role and though he never officially adopted her, she eventually took his last name and lived with his friend several years while going to college. She often says this coach saved her life and refers to him as her dad. Neither of us know exactly how her life would have been if it weren't for him reaching out, but it wouldn't have been pleasant. She's now a doctor and is generally doing well. Her 'brother' (a young man in a similarly lousy situation also taken in by her dad) had a much longer and rougher path from the shadows, but he's now finishing up nursing school and is doing well.

People like this can, and do, make a difference. 

 
I think it's amazing that you're considering this. It will certainly have many tough days ahead, but I think it will ultimately be worth it as well.

It's not totally clear from your posts, but I assume that she has already been involved with child services? And then when you mention the grandparents paying for a lawyer, that that would be to help deal with child services/the foster system?

If not, I would absolutely make sure this whole thing goes through child services/foster system. It will add another layer of headache and mess, but will also protect you legally and, I think, pay you through the foster system. If the grandparents are "poor" and living in a mold infested house, I wouldn't count on them being able to follow through on any promised child support. It's great that they've offered, but it seems unrealistic.

 
Rather than guardianship, if you can afford it I would go for the eventuality of adaption.  The last thing she needs is some crazy relative deciding to try to gain custody.  Make sure she gets counseling.  If the dad is all rapey, chances are it's happened other times in that family.  You need to make sure any sort of chain there is broken.

And you are a true mensch for even thinking of this.  Good luck and best wishes.

 
Your decision to take her in could possibly be the most positive thing to ever happen to her.  That being said, she has two incredibly selfish parents who could try to exercise their parental rights if they think it might benefit themselves personally.  Good luck!

 
Whatever you decide, good on you MikeIke.

I have a niece that is in a bad way (13) and I have considered the same. I ultimately decided not to pursue the issue because the chance of it having a negative effect on my own daughters (14 and 11) was too much to risk. 

Good luck.

 
I think it's commendable that you want to do this, but have you looked into the legality of it?   Sadly the system may make it much more difficult than it should  be.  

 
First of all as many above have said, it is commendable you and your family are considering this. 

But as someone who sees the legal fallout from when these types of  situations go bad, I can’t tell you how important it will be to follow the advice given to you above about involving DHS in this process. 

Again not trying to be Debbie Downer but this is not a puppy you are bringing home and giving food and water to. You can’t hug her past away. Kids that have gone through this much trauma are a mess and you will be bitting off thousands , if not tens of thousands of dollars of therapy costs for her. That isn’t a maybe—that is a fact. 

And heaven forbid if she has been sexually abused in the past and somehow transposes some of those accusations to your sons down the road. I have see this happen more times than I can count where foster adopt kids just destroy good meaning people’s lives who are just trying to help them. They don’t know any better because chaos is all they know.

Do not do this privately—it must be through DHS so there are equal protections for your family and maybe even possible costs assistance for therapy for the child. 

 
So, dumb question here.  The mother has officially given her up.  Evidently the father hasn't?  What are the chances he gets out of the pokey before she's 18?  

Besides the obvious family integration issues (male, female hormones all going nuts at the same time, etc.) I worry most about those two really ####ty people trying to yank her around.  Things get a lot easier if the dad is in jail for long enough he can't get paroled before he can give you grief.

That said if you choose to do this you're doing God's work here.  It isn't often you can really, truly change someone's life.  

 
ETA: She's broached it with me, not the boys.   
It sounds like you have a big heart.  Good luck whatever you decide to do, it will be fun to follow.

Just curious how much you'll let your boys weigh in on this decision?  As much as they may like her, the idea of having a permanent sister in the house might be a bit shocking.  At the same time, they're at the age where they might provide some insight.

 
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I have an adopted brother who came from a very bad situation. I don't know this girl, but sometimes it will not matter what you do. My brother is in his late 20's, he still lives with my mom, can't hold a job, and costs her thousands of dollars and headaches every year with his behavior, destruction of property, etc. I honestly believe it has taken years off my mom's life. I guess my point is becareful, and remember just because they turn 18 or move out doesn't mean they stop being your child. 

Best of luck either way. 

 
First and foremost, you a good man for even considering this.  As someone that was adopted (i was two days old so a bit different), i can tell you that i am forever thankful that there were two people who wanted my brother and I.  I have no idea what my life would be like now if i had been an orphan (my biological mother was 16 and had zero ability to take care of us).  Because my parents adopted us, both my brother and I are bank executives that live rewarding fruitful lives.  I am not sure if that would be true if we had not been given a chance.  Selfishly i say go for it.  Kids are tough and will figure things out.  When your time comes to reflect on the person that you were in life, this definitely will be a shining moment. 

 
Thanks everyone. Lots of good info here. 

We're going to set up a meeting with the lawyer who did the paperwork when Padme went to the grandmother's house she's at now. He's familiar with the situation so that will be helpful. I'll have a lot of questions for him, some of them coming directly from this thread. 

Assuming we get acceptable answers, it looks like we're gonna do it. Wife and I were talking about it last night while going over the responses here and we started crying a little, thinking about how much of a difference we could make in Padme's life, and how bad it could be if she goes into the foster system. 

I'll keep you all updated. 

 
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I want an invite to your son and "daughter"'s wedding when it inevitably happens.  RSVPing now but I'll need a +2 as I plan to be living a polyamorus lifestyle at that point.  3's company style with with a hole lot more rucking.  Punintentional.  I'll have the chicken, but my sex associates will take the vegan plate, they're vagiterians except for this kielbasa.

 
Legal issues that come to mind:

1. If mom or grandparent decides she wants her back, she will do anything up to and including accusing you of abusing her.

2. If the kid wants out or decides she hates you (as all teenagers do) see 1.

But I suspect you know that’s a risk.  

It’s worth taking.  

Kids are trouble.  “Troubled” kids, honestly, are often less so if you’re stable, consistent, loving, and a parent instead of a friend. And if you make it clear from day 1 that you aren’t going to get rid of her if it gets tough.  

Also, one of your boys will probably fool around with her when they’re older.  Sorry about that. 


I've seen this done successfully on TV numerous times and it always works out fine.

If she has a vindaloo recipe, please share. 

Also, one of your sons will fool around with her at some point, so just a heads up.
Chemical X knows stuff.

 
Thanks everyone. Lots of good info here. 

We're going to set up a meeting with the lawyer who did the paperwork when Padme went to the grandmother's house she's at now. He's familiar with the situation so that will be helpful. I'll have a lot of questions for him, some of them coming directly from this thread. 

Assuming we get acceptable answers, it looks like we're gonna do it. Wife and I were talking about it last night while going over the responses here and we started crying a little, thinking about how much of a difference we could make in Padme's life, and how bad it could be if she goes into the foster system. 

I'll keep you all updated. 
GL with all of this.

Have you talked to the boys yet about it?

 

 

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