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Taking in a child from a troubled home NOV '23 UPDATE: Epilogue (2 Viewers)

Today Padme went to her aunt's house in the early afternoon and is spending the night. We know the aunt, she used to babysit my kids, so there's no concern for Padme's safety or anything like that.

The household doesn't seem complete with her not here. We all miss her. She's definitely part of the family now. 

[for @Chemical X] Her room still needs cleaned up! :rant:

 
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@Chemical X kind of sad update coming...

Today I met with Padme's father to get him to sign some paperwork. Basically, even though he has given up  his parental rights, he still has the right to be told that custody of his daughter is being moved to a different set of guardians. He is currently out on bail, but expecting to go back to prison because of two charges of stealing cars. 

So I met up with him in a small town about 60 miles north of Columbus, where I live. We found a bank that would notarize his signature without being customers, and without even charging a fee (much love, @faheybank!)

After having the paperwork signed I expected to shake his hand, wish him well, and be on my way. But this guy is a talker...

He started by saying how happy he was that my wife and I were taking care of his daughter, since he'd known us for a long time and knew that we were a good family. He almost came to tears a few times because he wasn't able to take care of her because of the bad decisions he'd made. He kept talking and talking and talking... 

But I really felt bad for him. Yes, he's made bad decisions. Yes, he chose to sell drugs. But he tried to shield Padme from his bad lifestyle. He's been in prison for her last 5 birthdays and Christmases, and he's looking at another prison term here in the next month or so. 

He's not a good guy. I have no delusions about that. But, talking to him today, I still felt bad for him. He knows he messed up, and continues to mess up. He knows he's probably going to prison, again, and he doesn't say he's being railroaded, wrongly accused, whatever. He knows he messed up and is ready to face the consequences. 

But the overarching topic of my conversation with him today was, he loves Padme. He misses her. He wishes he could be part of her life, but he just keeps making bad decisions (that end up with him in prison.) 

Honestly, I wasn't  sure how to react. On one side, it's a father being forced to recognize that the court has decided his daughter should live with someone else else. That kills him inside, I'm sure. On the other hand... He was a drug dealer, raped his sister-in-law, and stole a couple cars after he got out of jail. 

It's pretty hard to he sympathetic toward him. Yet, still, I am. Because I saw him today and how much it tore him up that his daughter was being handed off to yet another family to raise. 

I ended  up assuring him that we would take good care of Padme. That she was happier in our house than she'd been in either of the previous two she'd lived at. And also, that if she wanted to talk to him, I wouldn't stand in the way. 

I got the legal paperwork signed, but today was just really heartbreaking. 

Today wasn't a very good day. 

 
Tough update but it's a means to the ultimate end. One thing I'm familiar with is that criminals can be very charming when they want to be, often with a motive. Sure he could have been sincere, we may never know, but it could be BS too. Keep doing what you're doing  :thumbup:   :thumbup:

 
Koya said:
X may take glee in our darkest moments, but at least the knowledge of his schadenfreude helps get us through them.  It's a vicious cycle. 
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Nah, he was just kidding around, and I'm rolling with it. Nothing serious meant by it. 

 
Kraft... said:
Tough update but it's a means to the ultimate end. One thing I'm familiar with is that criminals can be very charming when they want to be, often with a motive. Sure he could have been sincere, we may never know, but it could be BS too. Keep doing what you're doing  :thumbup:   :thumbup:
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I agree, and it was  going through my mind as we spoke. "Is he trying to charm then con me?" But honestly, I don't think that's the case here, I think he was sincere. He's still probably going to prison, but I don't doubt his love for Padme. 

 
Her biological father loves knowing someone out there cares and is going to give his daughter the life he dreams of giving her. It's sad it's the situation that it if is, but he's on board and Padme is happy to be with your family and your family is happy to have her. This is still a happy story. 

 
MikeIke said:
I think she really wants to have a father figure. She sees me treating her the same as I do the boys, and I think she appreciates it (if only subconsciously.) 
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Given the update you just made, you might want to have her bio dad write her a letter for her eighteenth birthday.  (Make sure you review it.)  That way she can know that he didn't abandon her, that what happened wasn't her fault, and that he did care for her.  It might be helpful to her.

 
From my experience, and unfortunately I have to much in this area, I would take everything he has said with a grain of salt. He may be trying to grease the tracks for his future benefit. At some point he will probably try to reach out to the little girl and you need to continue to protect her! You and your family are doing amazing things with this young lady. As you or someone mentioned, she may want to talk to him someday but my advice would be when she is 18+ and has  the maturity to handle someone that has and most likely will continue to hurt her. Stay strong for her and your family!

 
Chemical X said:
did he try to shank you or buy a cup of coffee using loose cigarettes as currency?
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No, actually, the father seems to be really down-to-earth. He knows that he messed up his life, probably beyond repair. . He knows that he's probably going to prison again and he's sorry for that. Not sorry that he got caught, but actually sorry that he can't stop making bad decisions. 

 
Yesterday, Padme's mom was in town and wanted to know if it was OK if she stopped by to see her daughter. The advice from grandma, who had custody before us, was not to let mom into our house. But, my wife and I decided that we didn't want to start a precedent of keeping Padme from seeing her mom, so we agreed. 

Literally, the first thing mom said to Padme was "You're padding your bra, take the tissues out." [NOTE:It wasn't tissues, it was a little girl's bra with padding included. I know this because I do the laundry. One of those padding things fell out and it was ridiculously difficult to get it back into place ] 

Next, mom went up to Padme's bedroom. Padme has a pair of Coach brand shoes (a very expensive brand. Picture Air Jordans, for a manly comparison.) Many months ago, Padme told my wife that she didn't want to give those shoes to her mom because mom would just sell them. Well, mom told Padme that she wanted those shoes (because they were mom's before they were Padme's) and Padme gave them to her.

My wife totally lost it. She knew that Padme loved those shoes, and that she didn't want to give them to mom. But the instant mom asked for them, Padme gave in. I can't blame Padme - despite the flaws, she loves her mother. She knows mom is messed up but still wants things to work out between them. 

So, mom spent about 20 minutes at our house. In that span of time, she criticized Padme's bra, took her expensive shoes, asked Padme to give her some socks to wear with the shoes, and left without even acknowledging me. 

After mom had left, Padme's attitude totally changed. She was confrontational and belligerent. My wife and I told her that she shouldn't have given the shoes to mom, citing Padme's earlier concern about mom selling them. She didn't care. She defended mom, saying things like "they were her shoes before they were mine," "you don't KNOW that she's gonna sell them!" and that sort. Again, she loves her mom and was defending her. 

The rest of the night was bad. Padme was mad at us for speaking bad of her mother. My wife was mad that Padme just rolled over and gave mom the shoes.

We talked to Padme about it but she wouldn't listen. At one point she tried using my wife's words against her, saying something like "I didn't say she WOULD sell them, I said she'd PROBABLY sell them!" I said, "Don't argue semantics. The point is the same. You didn't want your mom to have the shoes." 

When I said 'semantics' I could see both Padme's and my wife's eyes glaze over. I had to explain what the word meant. My fault - I should have known better than to use a big word. 

:sigh:    :take a little breather:

Today was a little better. As I've said, Padme is very resilient. She still had an attitude, but it wasn't a deal-breaker. It helped that my boys got in trouble for other stuff and she got to see them being punished. That way, maybe she doesn't think we're picking on her. 

So, the last few days haven't been good. However, at bedtime tonight my wife spent about a half hour upstairs with Padme just being silly, so hopefully there are no hard feelings and things will get back to normal. 

My takeaway from this is that the less Padme sees her mother, the better. That chick is nothing but trouble. 

 
Binky The Doormat said:
Don't let the mom back in your house.  #### that #####.
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Yes, that's the obvious response and that's where I stand.

It's not that easy, though, when actual people you see and talk to are involved. 

*sigh*

It's a really difficult situation, and I'm not really asking the FFA for answers.  Just keep you all updated since I started the topic and I feel I owe it to you all to keep you abreast of the situation. 

*heh - he said breast*

 
My wife and I told her that she shouldn't have given the shoes to mom, citing Padme's earlier concern about mom selling them.
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Bad move. Don't rub her nose in it. She knows she shouldn't have given away the shoes.

These types of situations are learning opportunities. Instead of saying "You shouldn't have done that", maybe ask her how she feels about what she did. Maybe then she'll open up and admit that she knew it was wrong but that she felt obligated because it was her mother. Then you can ask her how she felt when her mom criticized her bra. Let her talk it out, and eventually she'll recognize the toxicity, and (hopefully) she'll realize that she can still love her mother without having to tolerate abusive behavior.

But don't put her in a position where she's forced to choose between criticizing or defending her mother, because that's not going to go well for anyone.

Sorry for offering unsolicited advice, but when I picture myself in that kid's shoes, all I see is a bunch of adults yelling at me for loving my mom.

 
Joe Summer said:
Bad move. Don't rub her nose in it. She knows she shouldn't have given away the shoes.

These types of situations are learning opportunities. Instead of saying "You shouldn't have done that", maybe ask her how she feels about what she did. Maybe then she'll open up and admit that she knew it was wrong but that she felt obligated because it was her mother. Then you can ask her how she felt when her mom criticized her bra. Let her talk it out, and eventually she'll recognize the toxicity, and (hopefully) she'll realize that she can still love her mother without having to tolerate abusive behavior.

But don't put her in a position where she's forced to choose between criticizing or defending her mother, because that's not going to go well for anyone.

Sorry for offering unsolicited advice, but when I picture myself in that kid's shoes, all I see is a bunch of adults yelling at me for loving my mom.
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You wanted the shoes too?

Sorry, bad joke. I actually completely agree with the above. Hopefully a learning moment for all. And also a reminder that this will not be smooth sailing for the entire trip. You have to expect some bumps in the road.

 
You will always have challenges. You’re doing what you’re doing because it’s right and certainly not because it’s easy.  Live for the good days, but endure the bad ones.

 
Can't be easy for Padme. She knows her mom is a screwup, but it's still her mom and she wants to protect and love her. As much as she loves you guys, that's still her mom and if she feels like she's in a position to choose sides, she's still too young/naive/inexperienced to pick anything but the wrong side. 

Can't imagine how difficult this must be for you and your family, but keep up the talks and acceptance like you've shown and I'm sure things will work out.

 
Joe Summer said:
Bad move. Don't rub her nose in it. She knows she shouldn't have given away the shoes.

These types of situations are learning opportunities. Instead of saying "You shouldn't have done that", maybe ask her how she feels about what she did. Maybe then she'll open up and admit that she knew it was wrong but that she felt obligated because it was her mother. Then you can ask her how she felt when her mom criticized her bra. Let her talk it out, and eventually she'll recognize the toxicity, and (hopefully) she'll realize that she can still love her mother without having to tolerate abusive behavior.

But don't put her in a position where she's forced to choose between criticizing or defending her mother, because that's not going to go well for anyone.

Sorry for offering unsolicited advice, but when I picture myself in that kid's shoes, all I see is a bunch of adults yelling at me for loving my mom.
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I would have instinctively done the same thing Mike did, but I think your advice is excellent and the way to go in the future.

 
As I noted I have had a foster daughter who had (has) a bad mom

rule #1 - she will always love her mother, and push comes to shove she is likely to choose her over you. You can thank Mother Nature for that

rule #2 - stay neutral or positive on her mother (see rule #1). Let Padme make her own mind up regarding her mother. Doesn’t mean you have to support her, but as another poster said you stay neutral by asking questions (how did it go with your mom? Were you happy to see her? Etc). 

The shoe thing - that ones on you now - not Padme and not her mom. 

Heres why you can’t blame the mom - http://www.aesopfables.com/cgi/aesop1.cgi?4&TheScorpionandtheFrog

and Padme is a child. 

Im not saying you *should* have known, but from this point forward you should. Meet in neutral places going forward. Don’t ever be the reason she can’t see her mom (other than for safety reasons). Don’t ever give the mom money or support, under any circumstance. 

Youll know it’s working when Padme confides in you her feelings about her mom unsolicited (both good and bad). From what you wrote she likely doesn’t feel she can at this current moment. 

Youre doing God’s Work - no one said it would be easy! Hang in there 

 
I know you don't need more unsolicited advice from the peanut gallery, but I think an apology is in order, if you haven't already.

Obviously, it came from a place of carrying about Padme, but the shoe thing read like a pretty clear overreaction to me. Ultimately, she just gave her mom her own shoes back. Most importantly, it's a choice she made. It was hers to make, and you don't want her feeling like you are criticizing her for doing a benign thing that she felt was right. Topping it off with criticizing her mom, and it's easy to see Padme feeling hurt. I can tell how much you guys care about her, and clearly you don't want her feeling that way.

An apology here sounds like it could be a very productive conversation that could help her understand that you'll admit when you've screwed up and that you're still learning here.

 
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good advice in here. loved wilked’s post!

stay strong, brother. there’s no road map, but you’re doing good work. hat’s off to you and your wife.

 
wilked said:
As I noted I have had a foster daughter who had (has) a bad mom

rule #1 - she will always love her mother, and push comes to shove she is likely to choose her over you. You can thank Mother Nature for that

rule #2 - stay neutral or positive on her mother (see rule #1). Let Padme make her own mind up regarding her mother. Doesn’t mean you have to support her, but as another poster said you stay neutral by asking questions (how did it go with your mom? Were you happy to see her? Etc). 

The shoe thing - that ones on you now - not Padme and not her mom. 

Heres why you can’t blame the mom - http://www.aesopfables.com/cgi/aesop1.cgi?4&TheScorpionandtheFrog

and Padme is a child. 

Im not saying you *should* have known, but from this point forward you should. Meet in neutral places going forward. Don’t ever be the reason she can’t see her mom (other than for safety reasons). Don’t ever give the mom money or support, under any circumstance. 

Youll know it’s working when Padme confides in you her feelings about her mom unsolicited (both good and bad). From what you wrote she likely doesn’t feel she can at this current moment. 

Youre doing God’s Work - no one said it would be easy! Hang in there 
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You don't invite the scorpion into your house.  

Note:  Mike & wife are doing a wonderful thing.  

 
MikeIke said:
Yes, that's the obvious response and that's where I stand.

It's not that easy, though, when actual people you see and talk to are involved. 

*sigh*

It's a really difficult situation, and I'm not really asking the FFA for answers.  Just keep you all updated since I started the topic and I feel I owe it to you all to keep you abreast of the situation. 

*heh - he said breast*
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sorry, haven't followed the thread.... is there a social/case worker involved? someone that can mediate a visit outside your home? maybe at a local office?

 
I agree with the posters who said we handled it wrong. It should have been done more delicately, and with more thought to Padme's state of mind. Unfortunately, it wasn't, and what's in the past can't be changed. 

Ugh, I've typed up 3 or 4 different responces but nothing comes out sounding right. So I'm just gonna go for it.

Basically, I blame my wife. As I've described in previous threads, she has Borderline Personality Disorder and she's bipolar. Those two disorders are a really bad combination. Basically, if she feels that she or her children (which she considers Padme) are being attacked, she will attack back with everything she's got. That's what happened in this situation. She attacked Padme's mom, and Padme (uderstandibly) tried to defend her. Then it escalated and everyone was pissed off. 

 
However, today was a really good day for all of us. Padme spent time with her sister, grandfather, and step-grandmother. They went out to lunch, and then came home and Padme made slime for her sister to bring home. She's been in good spirits all day. 

I can't figure out women. One day they're at everyone's throats, the next day everything is great. And that goes for 12-year-old Padme AND my 34-year-old wife

 
mr. furley said:
sorry, haven't followed the thread.... is there a social/case worker involved? someone that can mediate a visit outside your home? maybe at a local office?
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That's actually a difficult question to answer, because I do not live in the same county as Padme did before we got her, and it's a third county that did the initial investigation that ended up taking Padme from her mom. 

Our lawyer is still trying to straighten those questions out. 

 
Juxtatarot said:
How much are a replacement pair? If money is tight, I’d help. I suspect a few others here would too.
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Thank you for the offer, however I'm not going to try and use the FFA to get money to buy an expensive pair of shoes. I have once asked for help with a Gofundme account, but that was to buy a casket for a friend whose family couldn't afford it. This doesn't even come close to that, so I won't ask for or accept any money for it. 

 
MikeIke said:
Juxtatarot said:
How much are a replacement pair? If money is tight, I’d help. I suspect a few others here would too.
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Thank you for the offer, however I'm not going to try and use the FFA to get money to buy an expensive pair of shoes. I have once asked for help with a Gofundme account, but that was to buy a casket for a friend whose family couldn't afford it. This doesn't even come close to that, so I won't ask for or accept any money for it. 
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My opinion: don't just give her a replacement pair for free. It would send the wrong message.

But maybe talk to her offer to pay half the cost if she wants to save up her allowance money for the other half.

 
MikeIke said:
I agree with the posters who said we handled it wrong. It should have been done more delicately, and with more thought to Padme's state of mind. Unfortunately, it wasn't, and what's in the past can't be changed. 

Ugh, I've typed up 3 or 4 different responces but nothing comes out sounding right. So I'm just gonna go for it.

Basically, I blame my wife. As I've described in previous threads, she has Borderline Personality Disorder and she's bipolar. Those two disorders are a really bad combination. Basically, if she feels that she or her children (which she considers Padme) are being attacked, she will attack back with everything she's got. That's what happened in this situation. She attacked Padme's mom, and Padme (uderstandibly) tried to defend her. Then it escalated and everyone was pissed off. 
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The only blame to be placed here is on her mom. You and your wife might not have acted ideally, but you acted perfectly normal considering the circumstances. Your wife defending her is fantastic! Padme is very fortunate to have you in her life. Most people aren't brought up to deal with scorpions. That's a good thing, but it means the first couple times you deal with a really venomous creature like that they end up catching you off guard. You and your wife will be much better prepared moving forward. And if you and your wife, as adults, are a bit caught off guard, just imagine what it must be like for Padme.

 
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[scooter] said:
My opinion: don't just give her a replacement pair for free. It would send the wrong message.

But maybe talk to her offer to pay half the cost if she wants to save up her allowance money for the other half.
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another unsolicited opinion - just move on from the shoes.  At this point shoes (*those shoes*) are linked to a bad memory - you're not going to turn that into a good one.  Let bygones be bygones, move forward

 
Had a hearing with the judge today. Padme is now legally under our custody, but I guess it's only temporary. We have another hearing at the end of March to make it permanent. I'm not sure why there has to be a delay. We have what's called an "ex parte" which gives us guardianship. 

One thing the judge stressed to us today was "This is the third time [Padme's] custody has come before me in court. Mr. and Mrs. [Ike], do you realize that you are expected to keep her with you at least until she turns 18?" My wife and I both agreed that we understand. 

When we got home I told Padme that the judge had made us promise we wouldn't be pawning her off on another family a year from now. She got a big smile. I think she liked hearing that. 

Poor kid, she just wants a stable home. She's 12 and has never had one. 

 
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