Jokes/Laughter Thread (1 Viewer)

Things that were actually said in court.

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Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?

A. Borofkin.

Q. What's his first name?

A. I can't remember.

Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?

A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?

A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?

A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?

A. No.

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

A. By death.

Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?

A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. What is your name?

A. Ernestine McDowell.

Q. And what is your marital status?

A. Fair.

Q. Are you married?

A. No, I'm divorced.

Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?

A. My ex-widow said it.

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?

A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?

A. I will be three months November 8th.

Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?

A. Yes.

Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?

A. I should be.

Q. How many times have you committed suicide?

A. Four times.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant?

A. Yes, sir.

Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?

A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

Q. What happened then?

A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."

Q. Did he kill you?

A. No.

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?

A. No.

Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?

A. Picking them up in the air.

Q. Where was the dog at this time?

A. Attached to the ears.

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Before we recess, let's listen to one last exchange involving a child:

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?

A. Oral.

Q. How old are you?

A. Oral.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day about the fact that in many languages, such as English, a double negative forms a positive, while in other languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. "However," he pointed out, "in no language can a double positive form a negative."

A bored voice from the back of the room responded, "Yeah, yeah...."

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American in an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."

"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave."

"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I ain't never going to stand in line again!"

Two men were at a poker game that had run late. About 3 am one of them turned to the other.

Man1: "You know what I hate about these games? My wife's reaction when I get home. I turn off my headlights, turn off the engine, and coast into the driveway. Then I go to the front door, take off my shoes and sneak in as quietly as I can. But my wife always wakes up and we end up having a fight."

Man2: "You're going about it all wrong. I rev my engine in the driveway and honk the horn a few times. Get out of the car, slam the door, go in the house and slam that door too. I run upstairs, pull my clothes off in the doorway and say, 'Who's horny!?'  She never even moves."

A graduate student was collecting data for his thesis, going door to door down the street and getting answers to a survey. The man at the next house agreed to take the survey, and the student launched into his questions.

"How often a week do you sleep with your wife?" asked the grad student.

"Three times," the man said without hesitation.

"That is once more often than your neighbor," the student commented while recording the response.

"That makes sense," the man said, "after all, she's my wife."

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "George, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you," he said.

"But George," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom."

The Bricklayer's Song

Dear sir, I write this note to you to tell you of me plight,
For at the time of writing, I am not a pretty sight,
Me body is all black & blue, me face a deathly grey,
And I write this note to tell you why I'm not at work today.

While working on the 14th floor, some bricks I had to clear,
But, to toss them down from such a height, was not a good idea,
The foreman wasn't very pleased, he is an awkward sod,
He said I'd to cart them down the ladders in me hod.

Now, shifting all those bricks by hand, it was so very slow,
So, I hoisted up a barrel and secured a rope below.
But, in me haste to do the job, I was too blind to see,
That a barrel full of building bricks is heavier than me.

And so, when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead,
And clinging tightly to the rope, I started up instead.
I shot up like a rocket, til to my dismay I found
That halfway up I met the bloody barrel coming down.

Now, the barrel broke me shoulder as to the ground it sped,
And when I reached the top, I banged the pulley with me head.
I clung on tightly, numb with shock, from this almighty blow,
And the barrel spilled out half the bricks, fourteen floors below.

Now, when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor,
I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more.
Still clinging tightly to the rope, me body wracked with pain,
Halfway down, I met the bloody barrel once again.

Now, the force of this collision, halfway down the office block,
Caused multiple contusions and a nasty state of shock,
Still clinging tightly to the rope I fell towards the ground,
And I landed on the broken bricks the barrel had scattered round.

Well, I lay there groaning on the ground I thought I'd passed the worst,
But the barrel hit the pulley wheel and then the bottom burst.
A shower of bricks rained down on me, I didn't have a hope.
For, as I lay there bleeding I let go the bloody rope.

The barrel being unsecured, then started down once more.
And it landed right across me as I lay there on the floor.
It broke three ribs and my left arm, and I can only say,
That I hope you'll understand why Murphy's not at work today

A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said, "Drums ok, but VERY BAD when they stop."

Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks. Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! The worried biologist yelled at the guide, "The drums have stopped, What happens now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said:

"Bass Solo"

Mildly NSFW.

Joke for the math   among us.

Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high.

"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do." He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over.

"When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond `one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed.

The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"

The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?"

So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "...plus a constant."

You know how to make a Waterbed more bouncy?

Use Spring water 

badmojo1006 said:

You know how to make a Waterbed more bouncy?

Use Spring water 

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Do you know what you put in your Waterbed if you're always bringing home fat chicks?

Heavy Water.

Joe came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. 

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Joe.'

Joe was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. The wife, the kids... Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Joe was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Joe the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? ''Never,' said Joe.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard:

"Joe, wake up! You've #### the bed you dirty *******..."

Daddy, what is an alcoholic?”

“Do you see those 4 trees, son?
An alcoholic would see 8 trees.”

“Um, Dad - there's only 2 trees.”

Couple married for 10 years - all going well except she cannot achieve an orgasm.

Eventually they go to a specialist doctor who tells them it could be because her body temperature is high.

The husband asks his mate to come round and waft a towel while they are going at it to keep them cool. After half and hour there is still no sign of climax and the husband is knackered. Out of desperation the husbands mate agrees to have a go while hubby waves the towel. Within 2 minutes the wife has reached previously unimaginable ecstasy .

At this the husband triumphantly punches the air and says : 'That my friend is how you waft a towel'

The doctor asked me how I had received the severe bruising and cuts to my face...

I was shagging next doors wife on the kitchen table when the front door started to open.

"Quick" she said "Use the back door"

Upon reflection I should probably have made a swift exit out of the kitchen but you don't often get an offer like that.

How come you never know when a pterodactyl is in the restroom?

Nathan R. Jessep said:

How come you never know when a pterodactyl is in the restroom?

Spoiler

The p is silent

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Not true-  what if he is dropping a deuce?

Mad Cow said:

Not true-  what if he is dropping a deuce?

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oops

bryhamm said:

oops

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No, poops.  That p is silent, not missing.

Went to an interview at a Blacksmiths

Blacksmith: Are you any good at shoeing horses?
Me: Well, I once told a donkey to f*** off. 

The other day I was at the gym when a couple of gorgeous women came in.  I leaned over to a trainer nearby and asked quietly, "What machine should I use to impress those ladies?"

The trainer glanced at my physique briefly and replied, "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."

A young man's father came to visit for a few days. One night he walked in the room and asked his son if he could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century, old man," the son said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."

The father took the iPad and walked off. He returned a little later and the son asked, "How'd the iPad work out for you?"

"Great," his father replied. "That fly never knew what hit him."

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads"

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman Numerals.

I M LIVID

Your Momma so fat, her memory foam mattress wishes it had amnesia 

Did you hear about the boy who was born without eyelids?

The poor child had surgery and they used the foreskin from his penis to make eyelids for him.

Amazing isn’t it.

He’s doing quite well actually, other than being a little cockeyed.

I woke up and saw my wife sobbing on the edge of the bed.
"What's the matter?" I said and sat beside her.

"You came in last night extremely drunk and said how much you hated me & the kids" she cried.

Utterly shocked, I said, "I can assure you, sweetheart, that I wasn't drunk!"

I was going to post a joke about time traveling but you guys didn't like it.

I got pulled over by the police.

Police: "Turn around"

Me: "Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round"

Police: "Turn around."

Me: "Bright eyes"

It was then I got tasered!

One I posted in the pickle thread.

What do you get when you cross a pickle with a female deer?

A dilldoe.

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.

Today everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.

Oh how the stables have turned.

Leroy Hoard said:

One I posted in the pickle thread.

What do you get when you cross a pickle with a female deer?

A dilldoe.

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What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

Dad joke.

Q:  What's brown and sticky?

A:  A stick.

Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"
Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.

Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
Friend: “Why not?”
Man: “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

Son: Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.
Father: Son, that's true everywhere.

This man was really lonely, so he posted an ad on a popular website. The ad said, simply: "Wife wanted."
He was surprised the next morning to find he had over a hundred replies in his inbox. Unfortunately, they all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife, and a cooperative wife. Sadly, bigamy is against the law.

The party’s host paid me a great compliment. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. “Honest—I’ve had only one beer.”
My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected, “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.”

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
"No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

Why should you never trust an atom?

Because they make up everything

I just finished a book about Stockholm Syndrome.

It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.

More on Marriage

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Hah­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!” - Bonnie McFarland

Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”

She answered, “I do.”

A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you.”

“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.

“It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.”

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my 
advantage. I take that as a compliment.

A weeping woman goes to the office of a master of hypnotism. She bursts into the hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”

The hypnotherapist sighs and shakes his head. “Not again …”

My friend Bill got fired from a keyboard factory.

They said he wasn't putting in enough shifts.

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.

As he was dying he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard without him.

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express thanks for prayers which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

There was an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "Hi, I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is sternum".

I just realized that the two e's in "bee" are silent.

Henry Ford said:

I just realized that the two e's in "bee" are silent.

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I bet that stings.

Leroy Hoard said:

I bet that stings.

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Wait til I tell you about “Queue”

Henry Ford said:

Wait til I tell you about “Queue”

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Am I going to have to wait in line?