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Woman with a black eye - what do you do? (1 Viewer)

Judge Smails

Footballguy
We’ve all seen it. I was at a team dinner this past week and our server, a petite Asian lady in her 30’s, had the whole right side of her face basically purple. Black eye but it went higher and down into her cheek. She carried on with the dinner service as if it wasn’t there. 

Now, she could have fallen down on the ice outside, hit a tree while skiing, had some sort of freak accident etc but, right or wrong, I jump to thinking she’s been beaten.  Bad. No amount of makeup could cover this  

The politically correct thing might be to mind your own business and say nothing. But I felt sick to my stomach. Don’t know if her employer said/did anything. It could be an accident and if you assume abuse that makes her more uncomfortable than she already is. 

I did nothing. Felt like I should have asked her if she’s OK and could I help? Offer her domestic abuse hotline info? I dunno. I just know not doing anything felt very wrong. 

Any protocol here? What would you do?

 
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Just be nice. Don't ask her about it. You don't know her. If you did, you could ask her what happened but in this instance, you're best to just leave it alone.

 
I'd only say something if I were a regular at the restaraunt and knew something about the woman.   Even then, I probably would just ask if she was OK.

 
Lots of unfunny schtick in here 
Really?

Your first thought was that she’s a battered woman. You disregarded that people can slip, fall and get bruised through other means.

What kind of a world are we living in that if a woman has an unfortunate black eye that the immediate reasoning is that a man hit her?

 
Girl at work showed up with a shiner a few weeks back.  Husband in jail currently for Domestic Abuse.  

 
Really?

Your first thought was that she’s a battered woman. You disregarded that people can slip, fall and get bruised through other means.
He actually did mention it could be those things. Honestly though if I saw anyone - woman or man - with a black-eye my first assumption would be that they were punched in the  face.

 
This is some person you don’t know at a restaurant? There is nothing you can do and you have no idea how she got the injury.

 
When we come across an impoverished man is our first thought “ oh, the poor guy probably married the wrong woman and got taken to the cleaners. Now he’s picking up the peices of his life”?

Its not. it’s “ he’s a bum and should pull himself up by his bootstraps or drop dead”.

 
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He actually did mention it could be those things. Honestly though if I saw anyone - woman or man - with a black-eye my first assumption would be that they were punched in the  face.
Granted

would you assume it was a SO?

 
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Could be an accident, she could be an MMA fighter etc etc etc

But there are still many, many cowardly POS people who batter their partners.  Actually think it will be the next no more campaign. Already saw Rob Porter go down yesterday. 

 
it's a very specific place for an injury, and one of the bigger "tells" of an abusive partner. 

no one falls and blackens their eye ... your reflex defense mechanisms kick in prior to that kinda impact.  

and if it's not abuse, then ...

She’s Asian, I’m sure it was car accident  
... this is the horse i'd bet on ?

 
it's a very specific place for an injury, and one of the bigger "tells" of an abusive partner. 

no one falls and blackens their eye ... your reflex defense mechanisms kick in prior to that kinda impact.  

and if it's not abuse, then ...

... this is the horse i'd bet on ?
All kidding aside...,

Has anyone seen @johnnycakes lately?

 
She’s Asian, I’m sure it was car accident  
:lol:   Showed this to the GF. 
 

What kind of a world are we living in that if a woman has an unfortunate black eye that the immediate reasoning is that a man hit her?
Unfortunately, reality. 

I'm with you, @Judge Smails... this is a sensitive topic for me. I'd make a semi-effort to get her alone (catch her in a walkway, etc) and drop a casual "Apologies if this is intrusive, but I couldn't help but notice your eye. Is everything okay?" 

Maybe it's out of line... don't care. Too many women are in #### situations and don't feel like they have an out or anyone to talk to about it. 

Many moons ago in HS a buddy and I were walking out of the grocery and saw a guy shove a woman against a car and smack her good. We booth ran up, dropped our #### and shoved the guy (who was prob late 30's and larger than us). Shouting match ensued and guy got into the car. The woman looked at us with a horrible mix of thanks, fear, and embarrassment, then got in the car and they drove off. Sucks, because I'm sure he beat her ### when they got home. 
 

 
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:lol:   Showed this to the GF. 
 

Unfortunately, reality. 

I'm with you, @Judge Smails... this is a sensitive topic for me. I'd make a semi-effort to get her alone (catch her in a walkway, etc) and drop a casual "Apologies if this is intrusive, but I couldn't help but notice your eye. Is everything okay?" 

Maybe it's out of line... don't care. Too many women are in #### situations and don't feel like they have an out or anyone to talk to about it. 
This woman may have been attacked by a man and it’s acceptable to corner her in a walkway and grill her?

 
:lol:   Showed this to the GF. 
 

Unfortunately, reality. 

I'm with you, @Judge Smails... this is a sensitive topic for me. I'd make a semi-effort to get her alone (catch her in a walkway, etc) and drop a casual "Apologies if this is intrusive, but I couldn't help but notice your eye. Is everything okay?" 

Maybe it's out of line... don't care. Too many women are in #### situations and don't feel like they have an out or anyone to talk to about it. 

Many moons ago in HS a buddy and I were walking out of the grocery and saw a guy shove a woman against a car and smack her good. We booth ran up, dropped our #### and shoved the guy (who was prob late 30's and larger than us). Shouting match ensued and guy got into the car. The woman looked at us with a horrible mix of thanks, fear, and embarrassment, then got in the car and they drove off. Sucks, because I'm sure he beat her ### when they got home. 
 
He definitely beat her after 

 
He actually did mention it could be those things. Honestly though if I saw anyone - woman or man - with a black-eye my first assumption would be that they were punched in the  face.
Not an unusual assumption since people don't usually fall on their face.

 
Just be nice. Don't ask her about it. You don't know her. If you did, you could ask her what happened but in this instance, you're best to just leave it alone.
If I knew her at all I'd ask what happened. If not, I still might ask but probably my wife would first.

Actually scratch that, if I'm with my kids, I'd bet my 13yo asks first. Kid has no filter and doesn't give a #### if people think he's impolite if he thinks he's doing the right thing. I'm walking a fine line between fostering that and teaching him to understand the right time for it.

 
When we come across an impoverished man is our first thought “ oh, the poor guy probably married the wrong woman and got taken to the cleaners. Now he’s picking up the peices of his life”?

Its not. it’s “ he’s a bum and should pull himself up by his bootstraps or drop dead”.


What in the world are you talking about and what does it have to do with this? 

Like 85% of good shiners come from getting punched, right? It's a natural assumption or fear. 

 
In my first year of dating the future Mrs. Eephus, we were laying in bed watching a football game on TV.  Something exciting happened (on the field) that somehow ended up with me elbowing her in the face and blackening her eye.  It made for an awkward visit to her mom's house later in the week.

 
I understand the concern, but find it hard to believe that anyone actually says something to a complete random stranger. I know I wouldn't.

Seems like an extremely low chance of it actually being both a correct assumption and a welcomed conversation.
Didn't your avatar thing used to be animated?  What happened?

 
This could easily be one of those things where you think you are doing good and it can turn into you being a nosey insensitive doosh.

Most men want to be the hero but the reality is most victims want to hide and die. 

For example. 

All these woman coming out and make it known they were molested at Mich St. We are all saying how BRAVE they are. So, they mustered up the courage to come out and deal with it. So say in this case the woman mustered up the energy to go out and work cause she needs the money to pay bills BUT hasn't mustered up the energy to talk about and deal with it....but some doosh all the sudden feels HE wants to MAKE you deal with it at THIS moment WHILE you are WORKING. 

So, I don't mean to imply you are a doosh for wanting to do something.  I'm saying you can make this woman feel like you are violating her all over again (if she was abused) just because YOU feel like you think you should do something at that very moment. 

 
Usually, if they're otherwise a stranger, it's best not to assume how they got said bruising. A simple "Everything okay?" may suffice, but if you know her reasonably well, you have more options, including getting the police involved if you genuinely believe something abusive is occurring.

 

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