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The Hug Life Chronicles: :( (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Nathan R. Jessep
- Start date
Drunken knight
Footballguy
Ah shoot. Sorry to hear col. May there be more double headers in your future.
First off, sorry to hear it. Sounds very familiar...
Butterflies....I fell for a woman that gave them to me. And she broke it off once upon a time because she didn't feel them. But everything else was perfect. We got back together two months later, but it's always in the back of my mind. And I imagine I have a better than even chance of spending the rest of my life with her. But I'm always thinking about it.
Butterflies can be exciting. Girls especially seem to crave it. But they don't love what comes with it. Where it really comes from is a position of inequality. When a partner cares for their partner stronger than the other partner, the one who cares the most often has anxiety. Anxiety the relationship may end. In most relationships, the person who cares the least has the most "power" because the person who cares the greatest will nearly always succumb to the others requests until they eventually get tired of the inequality.
My advice....let her go, remain friends if possible and she very possibly may come back. Or, you dodged a huge bullet. Almost nothing sucks worse than caring deeply for someone and it not being reciprocated. So if it was bound to happen, good that it happened now.
Butterflies....I fell for a woman that gave them to me. And she broke it off once upon a time because she didn't feel them. But everything else was perfect. We got back together two months later, but it's always in the back of my mind. And I imagine I have a better than even chance of spending the rest of my life with her. But I'm always thinking about it.
Butterflies can be exciting. Girls especially seem to crave it. But they don't love what comes with it. Where it really comes from is a position of inequality. When a partner cares for their partner stronger than the other partner, the one who cares the most often has anxiety. Anxiety the relationship may end. In most relationships, the person who cares the least has the most "power" because the person who cares the greatest will nearly always succumb to the others requests until they eventually get tired of the inequality.
My advice....let her go, remain friends if possible and she very possibly may come back. Or, you dodged a huge bullet. Almost nothing sucks worse than caring deeply for someone and it not being reciprocated. So if it was bound to happen, good that it happened now.
Gr00vus
Footballguy
Sorry to hear it.
Your last paragraph indicates you've got a very mature grasp of how adult relationships work. I think, if she is depressed, it may not be the stuff you mention there that's the problem, she herself may just not be able to bear up under such a relationship at all times. I say this because I've kind of been there (and kind of still am though I'm much "better" than I used to be). In truth the limits are internal (to her), though they may seem to manifest/express as something wrong with the external (you). The lack of value we have in ourselves spills over into everything else at times with very negative impacts on those around us. It may sound crazy (which is how people with depression get categorized sometimes), but a lot of us feel like we don't deserve nice, good, happy, positive, etc. and so we don't really believe or trust in such things when we experience them. Eventually we tend to push that stuff away by focusing on what (we perceive) isn't good and exploding that to a sentiment that none of it is good. Hopefully, if this is where she's at, she'll get therapy and work through it - though I don't know that you ever completely "fix" it you can improve over time. It's constant work though.
Anyway, for yourself, give it time, it'll suck for a bit, but don't let it become permanent. Heal up and do it over again with the hope that you can get with someone who can enjoy and appreciate the good stuff you've got to offer.
Your last paragraph indicates you've got a very mature grasp of how adult relationships work. I think, if she is depressed, it may not be the stuff you mention there that's the problem, she herself may just not be able to bear up under such a relationship at all times. I say this because I've kind of been there (and kind of still am though I'm much "better" than I used to be). In truth the limits are internal (to her), though they may seem to manifest/express as something wrong with the external (you). The lack of value we have in ourselves spills over into everything else at times with very negative impacts on those around us. It may sound crazy (which is how people with depression get categorized sometimes), but a lot of us feel like we don't deserve nice, good, happy, positive, etc. and so we don't really believe or trust in such things when we experience them. Eventually we tend to push that stuff away by focusing on what (we perceive) isn't good and exploding that to a sentiment that none of it is good. Hopefully, if this is where she's at, she'll get therapy and work through it - though I don't know that you ever completely "fix" it you can improve over time. It's constant work though.
Anyway, for yourself, give it time, it'll suck for a bit, but don't let it become permanent. Heal up and do it over again with the hope that you can get with someone who can enjoy and appreciate the good stuff you've got to offer.
Nathan R. Jessep
Footballguy
Nathan R. Jessep
Footballguy
Thanks. I do know all this to be true. And this whiskey and I have told myself all of this over the course of the last couple of days. I'm not kidding when I say that over the last several years, I have read more relationship blogs and relationship articles than a Real Housewife of Atlanta. Knowing all of that doesn't ease the temporary pain, but the whiskey does help a little.
ChiefD
Footballguy
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Nathan R. Jessep
Footballguy
Nathan R. Jessep
Footballguy
Yeah. Pretty much my thoughts, GB.NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Whiskey/alcohol is the worst thing honestly, and this is coming from someone who drinks all the time. If you are really down about the relationship, best overall bet is to try to stop drinking until it passes. You'll probably lose a little weight, and not be real motivated at first to do much of anything other than your daily obligations. But drinking will absolutely not help.
ChiefD
Footballguy
Don't listen to him Colonel.
Drinking ALWAYS help. As a matter of fact, I'll crack one to help you mourn.
Dickies
Footballguy
She said she had never felt this way about another person, that it wasn't me, but rather her, and that it scared her that the relationship was getting too serious (it wasn't).
Nathan R. Jessep
Footballguy
Appreciate that GB. No worries, I'm not a huge drinker to begin with. But I do have some of my dad's bequeathed stash of fine rums and bourbons that I call upon for special occasions. I think he'd have approved of this one. He would've loved her like IDon't listen to him Colonel.
Drinking ALWAYS help. As a matter of fact, I'll crack one to help you mourn.
And we ended on good terms, I suppose. There wasn't a fight or anything. Just me making an idiot of myself and a lot of blubbering (from both of us). So all hope is not lost. I still think she's amazing. I didn't want or ask her to be perfect, I just needed her to stay and fight for "us." That's what "I love you" means, to me anyway.
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Dickies
Footballguy
Nathan R. Jessep
Footballguy
I'm sorry, GB. That sucks. I think that's too often the result of baggage from someone being harmed or mistreated by another in a past relationship. Too many people carry that baggage with them for the rest of their lives, assuming that everyone treats people that same way. Case in point: my neighbor.
Galileo
Footballguy
Dickies
Footballguy
All good, GB. You're totally right. She had dated some total ######## jocks before me (a relatively nerdy guy) and was one of the more popular and hot girls when we were in high school. I was out-kicking the coverage. She ended up marrying a seemingly nice guy who is way nerdier than I am now, and we still run into each other occasionally. No hard feelings, she just needed to learn more about herself and a genuine, decent person scared her at that time.
Nathan R. Jessep
Footballguy
CurlyNight
Footballguy
Is she young? Could expain it.Nathan R. Jessep said:I've always told you guys you get the bad with the good. And since this is my sounding board because I have no friends...
Dr. Girlfriend broke it off with me Monday. I can't say that I was 100% surprised, because my life, if anything, has taught me to never get too comfortable being happy, but I'd say I was about 95% surprised. She's been dealing with some personal issues (health related) lately that had her in a little bit of a funk, and that I think led to some mild depression, but I had no clue that she was about to end things with me. I went to see her just 2 weeks ago and she was supposed to come here this weekend. Things with us, I thought, were really good. Probably the best relationship I've ever had, tbh. Good enough that I was contemplating about what my next few years might look like as my daughter will be out of high school.
I know what's meant to be will be and all that ####, but damn, man, I'm so tired of starting over with people. It's exhausting. She met my kids and family and attended events with us. She was 'my person.' And it's not like I went and found her. She came to me. I thought this was it, the one I'd been waiting for. And we were happy. And we were great together. I honestly had zero complaints about her.
She told me Monday that she still loved me, but that it just didn't feel right to her. I was so amazing, and treated her so good and all the other #### I've heard time and time again now. And I honestly do not understand at all. In my estimation, if you have someone you are happy with (she was, according to her), who treats you well (I did, according to her), then why the #### wouldn't you work and put forth effort to keep that going?? I just don't get it. It seems to me that nowadays people don't want to put forth effort to sustain a good relationship. They have a "pie in the sky" vision of this perfect magic someone that's out there, that everything just clicks with and the stars align and it's all rainbows and butterflies with NO effort and there will never be ANY problems with and that's all they want to settle for. It's bull####. The ####### "butterflies." That's what they're all looking for, because that's what some ####### magazine article told them about one time. Guess those articles didn't mention the other 364.75 days a year when actual life takes place and you have to be real with each other.
I just needed to vent. Time for a refill
Thanks for listening.
Nathan R. Jessep
Footballguy
well, one year younger than me (she's 41), so I consider us young, but probably not the "young" you were going for
CurlyNight
Footballguy
Some people can't or won't deal with their past. Lots of people overcome. But if the person doesn't seek help like therapy to help themselves, I'd stay away. You're not going to be their saviour. And don't remain friends unless you have no attraction to them.Nathan R. Jessep said:
CurlyNight
Footballguy
Nathan R. Jessep
Footballguy
Yeah, I am definitely still attracted. I was already thinking I need to play this one differently than I have in the past. She already told me "I hope we can remain friends" and while I would like that, #######it, I want more than that. I'm tired of friends. I want my person back. And honestly, while I do genuinely want her to be happy even if that's not with me, what I really want is for her to miss me and how I treated her, which was like a queen.
CurlyNight
Footballguy
No friends. You need to go on with life. I have a friend who just doesn't do well being without a gf. They know that of him so they use him and he gets dumped all the time. I think the problem with some is treating them like a queen. It needs to be 50:50 or they may lose respect. I've had bfs like that and in the beginning I was like wow, nice. Then it was like too much. Don't be someone you're really not. If someone is the right one then it'll work out.
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Nathan R. Jessep
Footballguy
Yeah, I get that too. I know all about the stereotypical "nice guy" and I am not that. I put up a fight if there's something worth fighting over (most stuff is not, IMO). I just believe in treating people how you, yourself, want to be treated. Be good to each other. No games. No BS. If that's not what she wants, then I guess it was for the best. And to be clear, she was great to me too.
skol asylum
Footballguy
Sorry to hear the bad news. Is it possible her health issues are worse than you know and she's trying to spare you from going through possibly losing her? Sorry, just a thought I had based on what you shared?
CurlyNight
Footballguy
Just keep your confidence up and live life. If someone fits in well then great. What happened with this one who knows. She didn't disclose, unless I missed something.
Nathan R. Jessep
Footballguy
skol asylum
Footballguy
DocHolliday
Footballguy
Well that sucks. But, you can't change how someone thinks or feels even if it doesn't seem rationale. Hang in there. You are a good dude and will make some young lady really happy in the future. Until then, happy hugging.
Nathan R. Jessep
Footballguy
There was activity in the bullpen last time we visited. She was complimentary, even in parting. So at least there's that.
jwb
Footballguy
I wonder if this has anything to do with it. Long distance can get really tough after awhile, especially when you're adults.Nathan R. Jessep said:
If you're only seeing each other every few weeks, you each have an entire life that doesn't include the other. I would think that would start to feel weird / odd / what are we doing / etc, even if on the surface, you both say it's ok.
Nathan R. Jessep
Footballguy
It's possible. But we talked (facetime/skype/phone call) almost every single day, and of course texted daily, so it's not like we were ever out of touch. And we kept things planned to always have something to look forward to, because I think that's important also, particularly in long distance relationships. It can work. And it could have definitely been an underlying issue for her I suppose, but none of the discussions we had (and we discussed the distance openly from the very start) ever indicated that.
jwb
Footballguy
It's good that you did that, so that probably helped.
But the distance is also something that once discussed, can never really be brought up again. The "but you knew this when we got together" is always going to prevent one from being 100% honest. Just spitballing here - it's lousy that you don't have a decent reason from her. Feel bad for you - I know this sucks.
jonessed
Footballguy
The real reasons it didn’t work for her are impossible to know. Don’t beat yourself up trying to figure it out. You did what you felt was right and it didn’t work out. Get up and move on. That’s really all you can do.
The onus is on her to reach out if she wants to stay in touch. Personally, I think it’s often easier to cut ties for a while. Let yourself heal and start going out again.
The onus is on her to reach out if she wants to stay in touch. Personally, I think it’s often easier to cut ties for a while. Let yourself heal and start going out again.
SWC
Bromigo
you just described the path of the brohan to a t and i already knew you were a brohan among brohans but that my fine feathered friend just confirmed it six ways come sunday so keep on keepin on and keep on doing the right thing and it will work out take that to the bank bromigo
Nathan R. Jessep
Footballguy
Definitely. I've already come to terms with the fact that I very well may not get any more explanation on it. I still won't ever understand it, but it's out of my control.
jomar
Footballguy
jvdesigns2002
Footballguy
No breakup from a good relationship is easy. It definitely can bum you out for a while. I definitely sympathize with you and I wish you the best in bouncing back. With that said--my only advice is to: be you and to be the best version of you as possible. Like others have said--don't spend your time or energy worrying about things that are out of your control. You are an old school "if you are in a good relationship-don't break up type of person". Over the years-there has been a vastly growing number of people that view everythng in life as being like the law of diminshing returns. At first--they are super into something or somebody--and over time they slowly start to lose interest in that thing/person---unless they try different doses and variations of that thing or person. Maybe she's like that--maybe she's not. Regardless--your only move is to get yourself right, get your mind right, and be the best version of you that you can achieve. Go Saints.
pantherclub
Footballguy
Sorry brother, its sounded like you did everything that you should. Sometimes it just doesnt work out. Keep it upNathan R. Jessep said:I've always told you guys you get the bad with the good. And since this is my sounding board because I have no friends...
Dr. Girlfriend broke it off with me Monday. I can't say that I was 100% surprised, because my life, if anything, has taught me to never get too comfortable being happy, but I'd say I was about 95% surprised. She's been dealing with some personal issues (health related) lately that had her in a little bit of a funk, and that I think led to some mild depression, but I had no clue that she was about to end things with me. I went to see her just 2 weeks ago and she was supposed to come here this weekend. Things with us, I thought, were really good. Probably the best relationship I've ever had, tbh. Good enough that I was contemplating about what my next few years might look like as my daughter will be out of high school.
I know what's meant to be will be and all that ####, but damn, man, I'm so tired of starting over with people. It's exhausting. She met my kids and family and attended events with us. She was 'my person.' And it's not like I went and found her. She came to me. I thought this was it, the one I'd been waiting for. And we were happy. And we were great together. I honestly had zero complaints about her.
She told me Monday that she still loved me, but that it just didn't feel right to her. I was so amazing, and treated her so good and all the other #### I've heard time and time again now. And I honestly do not understand at all. In my estimation, if you have someone you are happy with (she was, according to her), who treats you well (I did, according to her), then why the #### wouldn't you work and put forth effort to keep that going?? I just don't get it. It seems to me that nowadays people don't want to put forth effort to sustain a good relationship. They have a "pie in the sky" vision of this perfect magic someone that's out there, that everything just clicks with and the stars align and it's all rainbows and butterflies with NO effort and there will never be ANY problems with and that's all they want to settle for. It's bull####. The ####### "butterflies." That's what they're all looking for, because that's what some ####### magazine article told them about one time. Guess those articles didn't mention the other 364.75 days a year when actual life takes place and you have to be real with each other.
I just needed to vent. Time for a refill
Thanks for listening.
TheIronSheik
SUPER ELITE UPPER TIER
I'm your friend, GB. I think we all are.Nathan R. Jessep said:
SWC
Bromigo
what i think you need is a trip to oakinawa in japan it worked for my main man danielson after ali broke his heart and bam the next thing you know he meets kumiko and its peter setera singing about a castle while he beats the hell out of a punk using drum technique and he saved the day look one thing i know is that if it worked for danielson it will work for you that is all i am getting at take that to the bank bromigo
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