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Shtick You Use in Real Life (1 Viewer)

ChiefD

Footballguy
Need some new shtick. My kids are getting older and they are calling me out on my good ones. The latest one has me acting like in my younger years I won something, or was a pro at something, or an expert at some famous thing.

I had them believing I used to play semi-pro basketball in Fort Wayne, IN when I was in my twenties. That one lasted about 3 weeks.

Anyway, any good ideas? Need some new material here. 

 
12, 10, and 7.
Gotcha. Can do the ‘pretend’ to fall asleep while driving shtick when wearing sunglasses.

I do the fake punch shtick, where I’ll fake guy punch them,they’ll ask what was that for, and I tell them it’s for getting in the way of my fist. Or do the fake gut punch for some other dumb reason, such as “that’s for hanging out with a bunch of nerds!” 

 
one of my current favorites is enthusiastically shouting "High five" after anything remotely cool happens... and then not raising my hand while nonchalantly shrugging it off. I like to use this when they are around their friends, classmates, or teammates. 

 
Feel free to use:

For some reason, whenever someone uses the word "essay" in a sentence (comes up a lot, actually, with school age kids), I say "what's up, ese?"

so something like:

Kid 1: Dad, I can't believe I have to finish this 3 page essay by tomorrow!
Me: What's up, ese?
Kid 2: [Confused look]
Kid 1: Ignore him.

I. Can't. Stop. Myself.

Although my 17 year old did ask if I was being culturally insensitive.  So now I have to rethink my life decisions. 

 
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Need some new shtick. My kids are getting older and they are calling me out on my good ones. The latest one has me acting like in my younger years I won something, or was a pro at something, or an expert at some famous thing.

I had them believing I used to play semi-pro basketball in Fort Wayne, IN when I was in my twenties. That one lasted about 3 weeks.

Anyway, any good ideas? Need some new material here. 
I'm from Fort Wayne. What team name did you use?

 
Also, I know that most people here consider this a tired reference, but ANY time someone uses the word "sexist" in a sentence (has come up a lot in this past year of the "me too" movement), I say "What's wrong with being sexy?"  Every. Single. Time. 

My kids don't even blink at this anymore.  Although occasionally I will be in earshot of someone outside of the family when I say it, and I can't tell you how happy it makes me when they say "no, not sexy.  SexIST."  I try and stare blankly at them, while my kids roll their eyes.

It's really moments like this that make being a dad worth it. 

 
one of my current favorites is enthusiastically shouting "High five" after anything remotely cool happens... and then not raising my hand while nonchalantly shrugging it off. I like to use this when they are around their friends, classmates, or teammates. 
I like this. 

 
I have a buddy that often uses the "wrong name" shtick when addressing a group of people he just met. I can always see it coming a mile away and I still  :lmao:  every time. 

He'll usually pick the loudest, most alpha male of the group and start asking them dumb questions just to get everyone's attention. Once he gets the guy engaged, you just know the wrong name shtick is right around the corner...

Kind of hard to explain, but it goes something like this... buddy will say "LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING (he'll then pause and say "what's your name?") and the guy will answer "JOHNNY" and he'll pick right back up where he left off without skipping a beat "LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING BOBBY" and then carry on with whatever dumb thing he was about to say.

Takes the right person to pull it off, but Ive never seen it not get a huge laugh out of everyone there.

 
Whenever I am asked whats for dinner it is always some recipe version of but holes. But hole casserole. But holes and spahgetti. But holes salad.  

 
Also, that kid seems to have independently adopted TannerShtick.

Scrappygang:  That's Lightning McQueen.

Me:  Are you sure?  It looks like Mack.

Scrappygang:  No, that's Lightning McQueen.

Me:  Ok, "hi, Lightning."

Scrappygang:  (looking at me like I'm the biggest moron on the planet) Daddy, that's Mack.

 
Respond to platitudes with "I hope I do!".  I started doing this at the movie theater years ago in complete sincerity.  "Enjoy your movie, sir."  "I hope I do!"

When I noticed how much it annoyed my wife and daughter at the movies, I branched out. 

Cashier at QT, "Have a good one."  "I hope I do!" 
Teller at bank, "Have a nice day, sir."  "I hope I do!"  
Front desk admin at school office, "Have a good weekend!"  "I hope I do!"           

 
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Also, I know that most people here consider this a tired reference, but ANY time someone uses the word "sexist" in a sentence (has come up a lot in this past year of the "me too" movement), I say "What's wrong with being sexy?"  Every. Single. Time. 

My kids don't even blink at this anymore.  Although occasionally I will be in earshot of someone outside of the family when I say it, and I can't tell you how happy it makes me when they say "no, not sexy.  SexIST."  I try and stare blankly at them, while my kids roll their eyes.

It's really moments like this that make being a dad worth it. 
My 15-year-old and I are constantly trying to set ourselves up for Airplane! shtick. 
"Ice cream?"  "Yes, I know."  
"Can I ask you a question?"  "What is it?" "An interrogative statement used to test or obtain knowledge, but that's not important right now."

It's tough to play offense and defense at the same time in this game.   But it's worth it.

She's been watching Psych lately.  So any mispronounced word or misplaced fact usually gets a Shawn Spencer "I've heard it both ways".  

Ever since she watched "The Princess Bride" for the first time a few years ago, she fills out "Hello My Name Is" stickers with
"Inigo Montoya.  You killed my father.*  
*prepare to die."

 
Gotcha. They’ve come and gone but for your purposes, probably legit. G-League team is the Mad Ants now.
Yeah, I thought about the Ants, but I wanted a team that was close to my time-line in case they started searching the net.

They asked me if there was any news articles they could read on the internet, but I told them the internet didn't exist back then so the records are probably in a closet somewhere in Fort Wayne.

 
Yeah, I thought about the Ants, but I wanted a team that was close to my time-line in case they started searching the net.

They asked me if there was any news articles they could read on the internet, but I told them the internet didn't exist back then so the records are probably in a closet somewhere in Fort Wayne.
The beauty is in the details.  Like the bolded.

 
Got this from my sister, can't stop.  Kids are starting to do it:

Anytime, anyone asks where something is or comments that they have misplaced something I shoot back "If it were up your butt you'd know":moneybag:

Oh, and "That's what she said" never gets old.

Does it? 

Well, it actually does, but that's the beauty of the shtick.

 
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everytime someone says a word that ends with 'er' - (banker, snapper, server etc)-  reply with (the 'er' word)?  I don't even know 'er!!

Kid:   I got kicked off our server!
YOU:  "Server?  I don't even know 'er!

Guaranteed annoying

 
Anytime someone asks me "how you doing?" or "how's it going?"  I respond with one of the following:

"I'm not unwell, thank you."

"Hey, you know me" (works especially great if they don't really know you)

"Good, how about you?" When they start to answer I butt in with "yeah, I really don't care.  Just being polite."

 
They are not quite old enough but when they are......anything that looks remotely close to a penis while unloading groceries.....you have to give it the dangle and just stand there until you get the reaction you are looking for...shamelessly I do this less obvious/incognito while actually shopping which is way better....the summer sausage section was a hoot till wife intentionally avoids that area....but kids and I used to still enjoy the "why aren't we going over there" comments when we would have to fly by that section.......also size of object makes no difference and mixing in smaller ones actually is more unexpected and gets more of a laugh....

every time the words let/dog/out are used in any way in the same sentence you must bust into the who let the dogs out rap with an emphasis on the whoof, whoof, whoof whoof whoof...the kids will start beating you to this one...

anytime the word "youths" is used...you have to bust out the Joe Pesci...."two yutes?".....when asked a question you weren't really listening to...the "you talkin to me?" thing usually gets a laugh.....

whenever my response would normally be....I have no idea....I say I am like a deer with no eyes....I have no idear....

if kids are fired up/crying/freaking out/nervous....tell them to relax and breathe through their eye lids....this is assuming you make them watch every Bull Durham replay every time it is on....like I do...

if the word "fever" is used....it needs to be followed immediately by you having Beiber fever......

learn to do the running man and bust it out on songs where it's really not the rhythm....

bottom line....push the envelope to the point of almost being inappropriate so your kids aren't afraid to take chances and don't get offended by every single thing they see these days....I mostly use my wife as the judge of this to where she is forced to have a reaction to my inappropriateness....but then looks away and can't help but smile....the kids will often wait for that moment as they watch mom and then hilarity ensues.... 

oh and this is for extra credit....when the song "silver bells" comes on at christmas time.....the words "hear them ring" are permanently replaced by...."my ding aling"....so its "ring a linggggggg....my ding alinggggg"....it makes family Christmas get togethers a blast when you make eye contact with your family in the room when the song comes on....

 
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