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Shtick You Use in Real Life (1 Viewer)

Good Posting Judge said:
I think the best Secret Santa gift is a framed photo of yourself.
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 My wife and I are giving a signed photo of the two of us from right after we were married (30 years ago) in a glamour shot type pose. 

ETA:  Thinking of this for our signature:  "No dream is too high for those with their eyes in the sky.  All our best... The Keerocks"

 
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I have a co-worker who is a meter reader. In his hand-held unit, meter readers can enter information like "bad dog", "swarming bees", etc.

This guy would put in "raging aggressive cocks". :lmao:

 
Coworker put up a Santa sleigh and reindeer decoration with about half of it on my cubicle. I feel that gives  me permission to put whoever I want driving Santa's sleigh. So far I have had the grinch, Calvin and hobbs, beavis and butthead, and the Tardis(dr. Who).

Open to suggestions.

 
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wife bought a pretty decent sized Santa statue that she put on the mantle. Santa is holding a naughty list with many common boy & girl names. my name is on there.

my 8 year old pointed it out so i just went ape#### about how unfair it was... the hell did i do wrong... i'm just furious about it.  my kid cannot get enough of how i'm going to get screwed by Santa. she is practically peeing herself with laughter.

effing kids  :lmao:

 
that is pretty awesome it reminds me of the look at it video a little which is one of the best videos ever take that to the bank bromigos 

 
shuke said:
Here it is.

I threw a 6 pack of High Life tall boys in the gift with the picture. 
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Hastur said:
Coworker put up a Santa sleigh and reindeer decoration with about half of it on my cubicle. I feel that gives  me permission to put whoever I want driving Santa's sleigh. So far I have had the grinch, Calvin and hobbs, beavis and butthead, and the Tardis(dr. Who).

Open to suggestions.
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See above.

 
I have an 8/6/3 year old, take them to school each morning and I've started teaching them complicated (for them) math problems.  They'll memorize the answer and then when I get home from work that night I'll ask them the memorized questions and they'll rattle off answers and blow my wife's mind.

 
shuke said:
Going to try this one out.  
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Did it this morning with a girl that works for me.  We we were at the coffee machine, she was waiting for the machine to dispense her coffee.  She had also just gotten a cup of water and was holding it.

me "get some coffee"

her "huh"

me "get some coffee.  stand there and swirl that water in the cup"

her [nervous giggle] "that's what I'm doing, waiting on coffee"

me "wait for your coffee"

her [more giggle] "huh"

me "I'm just trying out some new shtick"

her [confused look] "huh?"

me "see you later" [walk away]

 
My father in law pulls this one every time without fail.  We're in a restaurant, server comes to the table and lays down the check/bill.  My FIL immediately picks it up and tries to hand it back, and says "Hey sorry, we didn't want to be signed up for the raffle"

Usually gets a laugh from any server who's never heard it, but it gets big laughs from all of us in the family when he does it to one that we know we've had before.  

 
wlwiles said:
My father in law pulls this one every time without fail.  We're in a restaurant, server comes to the table and lays down the check/bill.  My FIL immediately picks it up and tries to hand it back, and says "Hey sorry, we didn't want to be signed up for the raffle"

Usually gets a laugh from any server who's never heard it, but it gets big laughs from all of us in the family when he does it to one that we know we've had before.  
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My FIL has someone take a card from a deck, and then tries to guess it. 2% of the time it's pretty amazing.

 
Couldn't find the post in here but I've been pulling the wireless mouse trick on a co-worker for a couple of weeks now. Every few days of or so until she screams about how her computer is freaking out. Wondering how long I can keep it up haha.

 
My latest one was inspired by this Hearing Assist commercial...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLokaarQu4g

I don't know why, but that old man's "a-what?" gets me every time. I'm not a big fan of yelling across the house, so now whenever my wife shouts to me from another room, whether I understand her or not, I respond repeatedly with the old man's "a-what?" until she gives up.

 
wlwiles said:
My father in law pulls this one every time without fail.  We're in a restaurant, server comes to the table and lays down the check/bill.  My FIL immediately picks it up and tries to hand it back, and says "Hey sorry, we didn't want to be signed up for the raffle"

Usually gets a laugh from any server who's never heard it, but it gets big laughs from all of us in the family when he does it to one that we know we've had before.  
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Every time the wife and I dine out I make one of two really stupid jokes.

I look at the total and say "Holy crap! Is this in American dollars?"

or

"Holy crap!  What did you order?"

I do it just because it bugs my wife.

 
Lately, instead of saying "Hello" and "Goodbye" I've been rolling with "Cheerio" and "Toodaloo" ... exclusively with my 6th grade daughter.  I make sure to really emphasize it when she is with her friends.  I nearly forgot about it when I dropped her off at school this morning... so I rolled down the window and shouted "Too da-loooo" while she was waiting for a friend to catch up. 

I am pretty sure she is going to kill me in my sleep before the new year. 

 
Walking Boot said:
Fantasy football commissioner in my league had no problems cashing my dues check, despite me clearly and in capital letters spelling out "FOR ILLEGAL DRUGS" in the memo line.

I've used "GAY PORNOS" before too.

Next year we'll see if he can get it cashed with "SUPER GAY PORNOS"
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had to write one to my buddies wife one time and went with CHILD SUPPORT

DILDOS is another go to 

 
Jaysus said:
Lately, instead of saying "Hello" and "Goodbye" I've been rolling with "Cheerio" and "Toodaloo" ... exclusively with my 6th grade daughter.  I make sure to really emphasize it when she is with her friends.  I nearly forgot about it when I dropped her off at school this morning... so I rolled down the window and shouted "Too da-loooo" while she was waiting for a friend to catch up. 

I am pretty sure she is going to kill me in my sleep before the new year. 
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My BIL, a cop in my town, would occasionally drive by my kids' elementary school when they were outside for recess, park somewhere on the periphery, and shout something over the cruiser's PA system to embarrass them. For example: "Lily Smith!" (100 kids stopped what they were doing and turned towards his cruiser parked nearby)..."ATTENTION LILY SMITH! I LOVE YOU LILY SMITH!!!" Or when my son was that age he'd watch him play hoops or football and wait for him to shoot an airball/drop a pass, then chide him over the PA for that, or publicly mock him for a bad haircut or hideous outfit.  

 
Walking Boot said:
Fantasy football commissioner in my league had no problems cashing my dues check, despite me clearly and in capital letters spelling out "FOR ILLEGAL DRUGS" in the memo line.

I've used "GAY PORNOS" before too.

Next year we'll see if he can get it cashed with "SUPER GAY PORNOS"
Click to expand...
Jokes on you when your bank receives the checks and they get posted to your account online#$@@$@

And I use my app to deposit.  SO DOUBLE BURN!##!@#

 
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