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Spouse getting botox (1 Viewer)

JB Breakfast Club

JB Breakfast Club

Footballguy
I filed a pile of old mail upon returning from a family vacation and discovered a billing for botox injections my wife had a few months back. It's a procedure she didn't tell me about, and she paid in cash to try to avoid a paper trail. I did some research and found out that over half of botox patients hide the procedure from their spouse. 

So...am I supposed to be mad about this? I don't like plastic surgery, and my wife knows it. I did let her know that I know, and she told me I was shaming her by making her feel bad about getting it done.  It's her body and she can do with it as she pleases, but I'm really struggling with just letting this go for some reason. 

Help?

 
Did you tell her you were mad because she got it done? Or that you were mad she didn't tell you about it/hid it for months?

Former was a #### up by you, if so, and you should have handled it better. Latter is valid but if you didn't convey it well, it's also on you.

 
RUSF18 said:
Did you tell her you were mad because she got it done? Or that you were mad she didn't tell you about it/hid it for months?

Former was a #### up by you, if so, and you should have handled it better. Latter is valid but if you didn't convey it well, it's also on you.
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She seemed to think I was mad about the money, but that isn't the issue. I certainly messed up by saying I was surprised and disappointed she feels she needs to do it, but I tried to really focus on how I don't want it to be a secret. 

 
shadyridr said:
 My wife wants botox and a boob job. I wouldn't mind except for the $.
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She brought up a boob job about 5 years ago. We've had another kid since then. I wonder if it's going to come up again since she just received a big bonus from work...I know a few women who had them, and they seem really happy about the results, but I think they look weird. 

 
But seriously, I get your disappointment that she didn't tell you about it.

But maybe look at the reasons for that...

Sounds like maybe you already joke/complain about women that get procedures like that so she probably didn't feel comfortable telling you.

And she probably did feel a little guilty about the money part of it.

And she was obviously already feeling a little down about her appearance/aging.

My intended to be helpful suggestion would be to work together with her on whatever reasons made her not want to tell you.

And also to recognize that for whatever reason, this was something she thought would make her feel better about herself... and there's nothing wrong with that IMO.

I don't know if I'll ever do anything appearance related, the most serious thing I've considered so far is maybe coloring my hair as it gradually gets more gray.

But over time I've changed my opinion to now believe that people should, within reason of course, not feel bad about doing things to make them feel better about their appearance.

 
NotSmart said:
But seriously, I get your disappointment that she didn't tell you about it.

But maybe look at the reasons for that...

Sounds like maybe you already joke/complain about women that get procedures like that so she probably didn't feel comfortable telling you.

And she probably did feel a little guilty about the money part of it.

And she was obviously already feeling a little down about her appearance/aging.

My intended to be helpful suggestion would be to work together with her on whatever reasons made her not want to tell you.

And also to recognize that for whatever reason, this was something she thought would make her feel better about herself... and there's nothing wrong with that IMO.

I don't know if I'll ever do anything appearance related, the most serious thing I've considered so far is maybe coloring my hair as it gradually gets more gray.

But over time I've changed my opinion to now believe that people should, within reason of course, not feel bad about doing things to make them feel better about their appearance.
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This.

You need to change your username.

 
JB Breakfast Club said:
She brought up a boob job about 5 years ago. We've had another kid since then. I wonder if it's going to come up again since she just received a big bonus from work...I know a few women who had them, and they seem really happy about the results, but I think they look weird. 
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She make a bunch of money, I assume you don't clear every expense you have?  I mean what did they charge? Internet says range for this is like 200-500.  And she's had a boob job before, why throw a flag here?

 
culdeus said:
She make a bunch of money, I assume you don't clear every expense you have?  I mean what did they charge? Internet says range for this is like 200-500.  And she's had a boob job before, why throw a flag here?
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she didn't have the boob job - she just thought about it after a friend did it. Botox was $420 with the cash discount. It's not the cost. Slowly withdrawing the cash over time to hide it is worrisome, but we certainly have the disposable income for it. 

I think I'm stuck on botox being a gateway to other procedures, and I just want to age like normal people. Ultimately, this is my problem that I have to work through...since finding out, I have trouble looking at her without hunting for other changes in her face. That makes me uncomfortable, so I end up avoiding eye contact instead. 

 
JB Breakfast Club said:
she didn't have the boob job - she just thought about it after a friend did it. Botox was $420 with the cash discount. It's not the cost. Slowly withdrawing the cash over time to hide it is worrisome, but we certainly have the disposable income for it. 

I think I'm stuck on botox being a gateway to other procedures, and I just want to age like normal people. Ultimately, this is my problem that I have to work through...since finding out, I have trouble looking at her without hunting for other changes in her face. That makes me uncomfortable, so I end up avoiding eye contact instead. 
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Dude, stop that. It's BS. If you want to have an adult conversation because you're worried about side effects or you're worried about her doing this secretly, fine. But this whole...whatever you're describing there...it's not cool.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
NotSmart said:
But seriously, I get your disappointment that she didn't tell you about it.

But maybe look at the reasons for that...

Sounds like maybe you already joke/complain about women that get procedures like that so she probably didn't feel comfortable telling you.

And she probably did feel a little guilty about the money part of it.

And she was obviously already feeling a little down about her appearance/aging.

My intended to be helpful suggestion would be to work together with her on whatever reasons made her not want to tell you.

And also to recognize that for whatever reason, this was something she thought would make her feel better about herself... and there's nothing wrong with that IMO.

I don't know if I'll ever do anything appearance related, the most serious thing I've considered so far is maybe coloring my hair as it gradually gets more gray.

But over time I've changed my opinion to now believe that people should, within reason of course, not feel bad about doing things to make them feel better about their appearance.
Click to expand...
Yep. Nothing wrong with people wanting to do things that make them feel good about themselves. 

 
JB Breakfast Club said:
she didn't have the boob job - she just thought about it after a friend did it. Botox was $420 with the cash discount. It's not the cost. Slowly withdrawing the cash over time to hide it is worrisome, but we certainly have the disposable income for it. 

I think I'm stuck on botox being a gateway to other procedures, and I just want to age like normal people. Ultimately, this is my problem that I have to work through...since finding out, I have trouble looking at her without hunting for other changes in her face. That makes me uncomfortable, so I end up avoiding eye contact instead. 
Click to expand...
 Oh come on. Get over yourself 

 
JB Breakfast Club said:
she didn't have the boob job - she just thought about it after a friend did it. Botox was $420 with the cash discount. It's not the cost. Slowly withdrawing the cash over time to hide it is worrisome, but we certainly have the disposable income for it. 

I think I'm stuck on botox being a gateway to other procedures, and I just want to age like normal people. Ultimately, this is my problem that I have to work through...since finding out, I have trouble looking at her without hunting for other changes in her face. That makes me uncomfortable, so I end up avoiding eye contact instead. 
Click to expand...
It will wear off in at most 6 months. Relax

 
You guys busting the OP is a bit wrong imo.

His wife did something behind his back and purposely tried to hide it. To me, this is a huge red flag. Now, the reasons? That is between him and her. 

But if I am the OP, I act the exact same way. Marriage is built on 100% trust, and when that is violated the other party has every right to question everything. 

 
ChiefD said:
You guys busting the OP is a bit wrong imo.

His wife did something behind his back and purposely tried to hide it. To me, this is a huge red flag. Now, the reasons? That is between him and her. 

But if I am the OP, I act the exact same way. Marriage is built on 100% trust, and when that is violated the other party has every right to question everything. 
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Not all marriages work like that.  My wife works, I don't look over her shoulder on each little thing she spends.  I mainly get pissed if she puts categorical spending on the wrong credit card, but I'm not going to flip the table over it.

 
culdeus said:
Not all marriages work like that.  My wife works, I don't look over her shoulder on each little thing she spends.  I mainly get pissed if she puts categorical spending on the wrong credit card, but I'm not going to flip the table over it.
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Buying everyday things is a million percent different than someone intentionally hiding a spend. Not to mention a body altering spend.

 
culdeus said:
Not all marriages work like that.  My wife works, I don't look over her shoulder on each little thing she spends.  I mainly get pissed if she puts categorical spending on the wrong credit card, but I'm not going to flip the table over it.
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I don't track spending in detail but I do pay all the bills. I would notice a $400 cash withdrawal because it would be unusual, so that means she skimmed cash over multiple transactions specifically to hide it. 

She's agreed to tell me about future procedures if I tell her how much I spend on gambling trips. Maybe that'll put us into a staring contest to see who gives into our vice first. 

 
JB Breakfast Club said:
I don't track spending in detail but I do pay all the bills. I would notice a $400 cash withdrawal because it would be unusual, so that means she skimmed cash over multiple transactions specifically to hide it. 

She's agreed to tell me about future procedures if I tell her how much I spend on gambling trips. Maybe that'll put us into a staring contest to see who gives into our vice first. 
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Kinda hard to get upset about keeping something like that secret when you've done the same thing, no?

 
JB Breakfast Club said:
I don't track spending in detail but I do pay all the bills. I would notice a $400 cash withdrawal because it would be unusual, so that means she skimmed cash over multiple transactions specifically to hide it. 

She's agreed to tell me about future procedures if I tell her how much I spend on gambling trips. Maybe that'll put us into a staring contest to see who gives into our vice first. 
Click to expand...
From reading your recent posts, just knowing in advance that she is spending $500 on some more injections isn't going to solve your problem. It started out as a potential trust issue which is perfectly valid but it devolved into that whole "I can't look at her" thing. 

Your wife is getting older and is feeling less secure in how she looks. Try and help her solve that in a non-procedure way. 

 
RUSF18 said:
From reading your recent posts, just knowing in advance that she is spending $500 on some more injections isn't going to solve your problem. It started out as a potential trust issue which is perfectly valid but it devolved into that whole "I can't look at her" thing. 

Your wife is getting older and is feeling less secure in how she looks. Try and help her solve that in a non-procedure way. 
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And if now part of the agreement is that she tells you as long as you disclose your gambling stuff, then my guess is that the gambling money stuff has been an issue for her all this time but just hasn't come up yet.  Otherwise, why would her knowing that be enough to share what she does with her cosmetic spending? 

 
gianmarco said:
And if now part of the agreement is that she tells you as long as you disclose your gambling stuff, then my guess is that the gambling money stuff has been an issue for her all this time but just hasn't come up yet.  Otherwise, why would her knowing that be enough to share what she does with her cosmetic spending? 
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Agree on this. I was surprised that was her request to feel balance, so it must be more of an issue than I think. 

She's really mad at me. Spent the last few evenings in the bedroom once the toddler went down. Now she's off to a work meeting for a few days. She tried to get out the back door with as little interaction as possible. I stopped her for a hug. Hopefully a few days apart serves as a reset, and we get back to normal when she returns. 

 
I can empathize with OP on some levels.

My wife is always saying she wants to do this and that. Botox is on her wishlist. For me it is about the money on some level. Not really the 1 time thing but my wife is pretty vain and 9 years older than me. I'm trying to avoid a situation where she starts with botox which leads to a lot more botox a d eventually leads to a tummy tuck or lipo on her arms etc.

Basically I dont want to be spending 5-20k in the next several years on random cosmetic stuff.

I just assume it will be a waste of money and she will never be truly satisfied with her looks not to mention I feel once you break the seal of cosmetic alterations you have to keep up with it causing more alterations and upkeep to where she will look hideous.

She hasn't pressed super hard but as she approaches 50 in a few years I can see her pushing to want to do something. 

 
JB Breakfast Club said:
Agree on this. I was surprised that was her request to feel balance, so it must be more of an issue than I think. 

She's really mad at me. Spent the last few evenings in the bedroom once the toddler went down. Now she's off to a work meeting for a few days. She tried to get out the back door with as little interaction as possible. I stopped her for a hug. Hopefully a few days apart serves as a reset, and we get back to normal when she returns. 
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Maybe I need to reread but why is she mad at you?

 
JB Breakfast Club said:
She's really mad at me. Spent the last few evenings in the bedroom once the toddler went down. Now she's off to a work meeting for a few days. She tried to get out the back door with as little interaction as possible. I stopped her for a hug. Hopefully a few days apart serves as a reset, and we get back to normal when she returns. 
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She sounds pretty (very) immature.

 
Everyone seems more focused on the cost, but does this ever look good/natural? I've probably only ever seen/noticed that bad ones, but it usually looks terrible to me. Would highly discourage my wife from ever doing this.

 
E-Z Glider said:
Everyone seems more focused on the cost, but does this ever look good/natural? I've probably only ever seen/noticed that bad ones, but it usually looks terrible to me. Would highly discourage my wife from ever doing this.
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They key is to start before you are already an old wrinkled hag or so I’m told.

wife has talked about it but seems more interested in kybella which I wouldn’t mind getting for myself.

 
JuniorGong said:
They key is to start before you are already an old wrinkled hag or so I’m told.

wife has talked about it but seems more interested in kybella which I wouldn’t mind getting for myself.
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I know girls in their early 30s who have started on this. It's completely insane but what's crazier is how they talk about it like it's normal. 

 
I'd be pissed if my wife did that without even talking to me about it. Money isn't an issue and I'd support her if she wanted it. It would be a broken trust to me by not mentioning it first and having any discussion about it.

 
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