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Woman advice (1 Viewer)

Niles Standish

Niles Standish

Footballguy
Let me preface this.  I'm not a ladies man.  Not smooth.

So I was trying the online dating and met a woman that I get along with.  Find attractive.  She is a good match.  She's very interested.

After the first woman and I connected the woman who broke my heart 5+ years ago showed up in my life.  She is divorced now and we just spent all day yesterday together and it was really great.  Nothing romantic but it feels like maybe something could be there.  I learned I'm still not over her and suddenly the new woman is less exciting.

Do you go for the woman who really likes you and is a good match or the woman who probably no future but I'm clearly not over?

I don't have the skills to go after both.  Plus I'm not interested in doing that it feels scummy.  So we're talking one or the other.  The new woman is tall blonde looks like Cameron Diaz.  The ex is short Latina.  Doesn't really look like anyone famous but gorgeous IMO.  I get along with both.

I think I'm going to go after the ex but I think that's a bad idea too.

 
Niles Standish said:
Let me preface this.  I'm not a ladies man.  Not smooth.

So I was trying the online dating and met a woman that I get along with.  Find attractive.  She is a good match.  She's very interested.

After the first woman and I connected the woman who broke my heart 5+ years ago showed up in my life.  She is divorced now and we just spent all day yesterday together and it was really great.  Nothing romantic but it feels like maybe something could be there.  I learned I'm still not over her and suddenly the new woman is less exciting.

Do you go for the woman who really likes you and is a good match or the woman who probably no future but I'm clearly not over?

I don't have the skills to go after both.  Plus I'm not interested in doing that it feels scummy.  So we're talking one or the other.  The new woman is tall blonde looks like Cameron Diaz.  The ex is short Latina.  Doesn't really look like anyone famous but gorgeous IMO.  I get along with both.

I think I'm going to go after the ex but I think that's a bad idea too.
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Ex.  And it's not even close.

 
Gonna need more info...how did ex break your heart?  Was there a good reason, how did she handle it?  etc. etc.

 
I understand the desire for the path of least resistance, plus not being over the Ex.

But unless something has radically changed, she'll likely break your heart again.

And we all know how much fun that isn't.

 
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I've had a couple exes try to get back together with me at least 5 years after a breakup. Both times, it became obvious pretty quickly that they were still on the rebound from their previous relationship, and they just wanted to use me (whether it was a subconscious thing or not) to build up their confidence again.

The first girl, we started dating again. And it seemed like we picked up right where we left off when we broke up originally. It got serious really fast. She was also going to the gym every single day to get back to the size she was back in high school.......and as soon as she was "hot" again (took about 2 months), she dumped me for some scummy biker guy who looked like a third-rate Fabio.

The other girl......she got in touch with me a few weeks after her divorce was finalized. We went out for drinks, she started telling me how she always thought that I was "the one that got away", blah blah blah. But when we dated originally, she made it VERY CLEAR that she didn't consider me to be "marriage material", and that our relationship was basically friends-with-benefits. And when she broke up with me originally, she was pretty cruel about it (totally ghosting me). So when she suddenly drops back into my life after 10 years and basically asks me to marry her, I had to politely tell her to pound sand. She ended up getting back together with a guy that she had dated before me, and they got married about nine months later. Haven't talked to her at all.

Anyway, I vote for dating the new girl.

 
New girl, but you can explore both further without being scummy and really should. It's expected these days that you aren't exclusive until you have that talk, and you need to spend more time with each until the decision is clear to you.

 
Maik Jeaunz said:
You don’t need to put a ring on anyone’s finger any time soon. Don’t rush. Date both and see which one feels right. Nothing scummy about it. 
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This. 

It's what dating is all about. You're supposed to see a few people. It's not scummy. If this new gal does nothing for you then you move on. Online dating offers endless options.

But you're maybe being unfair to the new gal. You have an emotional connection with the ex that was presumably built up over a period of time. It's not possible for you to have that with the new one. Which makes her feel less exciting, but it's really just probably a matter of needing more time.

Plus you're 5+ years older. Most of us don't get *more* exciting as we age. I fear you may be sacrificing the reality of what you have today for the illusion of what you think you had. You're only romanticizing all the good from the ex. Give it a couple months with her and you'll realize oh yeah... 

 
Niles,

Please don't mention anything about their looks.  We don't want to objectify them by what they look like please give us more information such as are they active in the community do they do any charity work how are their cooking abilities how about their birthing hips etc...

 All joking aside how old are the 3 parties

It seems like ex is looking for another husbandWhich in your mind might not seem like a badge idea but altogether has a lot of red flags that you should at the very least be taking very seriously and determining whether or not it's worth opening up this book again.

 
If you really want the ex, you need to tell her you started seeing someone and want to give that relationship a chance. Further tell her that she isn’t in any shape to be in a serious relationship with anyone right now and you have no interest in being in a rebound relationship with her. Tell her to circle back with you in 6-9 months provided she has her #### together at that point.

 
The answer is obvious, you have to get outside your normal comfort zone and smoothly and and efficiently play the long game here.

The long game obviously ends up in a threesome.  Hopefully with you and the two chicks.  But be diligent and cautious or it could end up being you, the ex of your ex, and an aged lawyer from Mississippi.  Tread carefully my friend. 

 
Shrugs said:
New girl, but you can explore both further without being scummy and really should. It's expected these days that you aren't exclusive until you have that talk, and you need to spend more time with each until the decision is clear to you.
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This. 

I really don’t understand why you can’t date both. 

 
Niles Standish said:
Let me preface this.  I'm not a ladies man.  Not smooth.

So I was trying the online dating and met a woman that I get along with.  Find attractive.  She is a good match.  She's very interested.

After the first woman and I connected the woman who broke my heart 5+ years ago showed up in my life.  She is divorced now and we just spent all day yesterday together and it was really great.  Nothing romantic but it feels like maybe something could be there.  I learned I'm still not over her and suddenly the new woman is less exciting.

Do you go for the woman who really likes you and is a good match or the woman who probably no future but I'm clearly not over?

I don't have the skills to go after both.  Plus I'm not interested in doing that it feels scummy.  So we're talking one or the other.  The new woman is tall blonde looks like Cameron Diaz.  The ex is short Latina.  Doesn't really look like anyone famous but gorgeous IMO.  I get along with both.

I think I'm going to go after the ex but I think that's a bad idea too.
Click to expand...
Go after Cameron Diaz, why knowingly get your heart broken again. 

 
Niles Standish said:
Let me preface this.  I'm not a ladies man.  Not smooth.

So I was trying the online dating and met a woman that I get along with.  Find attractive.  She is a good match.  She's very interested.

After the first woman and I connected the woman who broke my heart 5+ years ago showed up in my life.  She is divorced now and we just spent all day yesterday together and it was really great.  Nothing romantic but it feels like maybe something could be there.  I learned I'm still not over her and suddenly the new woman is less exciting.

Do you go for the woman who really likes you and is a good match or the woman who probably no future but I'm clearly not over?

I don't have the skills to go after both.  Plus I'm not interested in doing that it feels scummy.  So we're talking one or the other.  The new woman is tall blonde looks like Cameron Diaz.  The ex is short Latina.  Doesn't really look like anyone famous but gorgeous IMO.  I get along with both.

I think I'm going to go after the ex but I think that's a bad idea too.
Click to expand...
I'm no ladies man either. However, I'd probably want to get more info about the ex's marriage flameout - what caused it, how long she's been divorced, etc. before I got involved too deeply. Step back and take off the homer glasses and examine it honestly.

Date the new girl, keep in contact with the ex to see where she's at and then move appropriately.

 
Joe Summer said:
I've had a couple exes try to get back together with me at least 5 years after a breakup. Both times, it became obvious pretty quickly that they were still on the rebound from their previous relationship, and they just wanted to use me (whether it was a subconscious thing or not) to build up their confidence again.

The first girl, we started dating again. And it seemed like we picked up right where we left off when we broke up originally. It got serious really fast. She was also going to the gym every single day to get back to the size she was back in high school.......and as soon as she was "hot" again (took about 2 months), she dumped me for some scummy biker guy who looked like a third-rate Fabio.

The other girl......she got in touch with me a few weeks after her divorce was finalized. We went out for drinks, she started telling me how she always thought that I was "the one that got away", blah blah blah. But when we dated originally, she made it VERY CLEAR that she didn't consider me to be "marriage material", and that our relationship was basically friends-with-benefits. And when she broke up with me originally, she was pretty cruel about it (totally ghosting me). So when she suddenly drops back into my life after 10 years and basically asks me to marry her, I had to politely tell her to pound sand. She ended up getting back together with a guy that she had dated before me, and they got married about nine months later. Haven't talked to her at all.

Anyway, I vote for dating the new girl.
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That's probably my situation.  I pretty much spent all day Saturday with the ex and all day Sunday with the new girl.  Ex was a lot more fun.  Always was really fun.

 
comfortably numb said:
Niles,

Please don't mention anything about their looks.  We don't want to objectify them by what they look like please give us more information such as are they active in the community do they do any charity work how are their cooking abilities how about their birthing hips etc...

 All joking aside how old are the 3 parties

It seems like ex is looking for another husbandWhich in your mind might not seem like a badge idea but altogether has a lot of red flags that you should at the very least be taking very seriously and determining whether or not it's worth opening up this book again.
Click to expand...
I'm 36.  Ex 33.  New girl is 38.

I don't think ex is looking for a husband but I could be wrong.  New girl seems more likely to want to be serious in all honesty.

 
flranger said:
The most likely answer is neither
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That honestly feels more right at the moment.  New girl things felt great until time with the ex.  Now feel much less interested.  Can't get the ex out of my mind but fully expect if we go there it will end up same as before.

 
KCitons said:
I married an ex.

In 10 days we'll celebrate 28 years together. 

Follow your heart not your head. 
Click to expand...
Follow your heart is good advice.  Date both and do not let either rush you into anything.  And, as others have pointed out, you are not a scummy for dating more than one woman.  It is only if you tell one of them that you are serious and exclusive that dating other women becomes scummy.  

 
DocHolliday said:
Follow your heart is good advice.  Date both and do not let either rush you into anything.  And, as others have pointed out, you are not a scummy for dating more than one woman.  It is only if you tell one of them that you are serious and exclusive that dating other women becomes scummy.  
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This is good advice.  Just don't lie or embellish your feelings.  

 
i agree that we would need to know more about the details of the history with the ex, but feels like it would be a situation where you would get hurt again.

 
Date the new girl for sure, the ex had her chance and she blew it by breaking your heart.  New girl is exciting and just that, "new".  Give it a chance as she is genuinely interested in you.  I'm not sure you can say that about the ex, as it seems like she can't be alone if she is running to another right after getting out of a long term relationship.

 
Ex is just looking for an ego boost right now while she is down and out.  She knows you will give it to her.  Know this, once her self-worth is artificially inflated by your infatuation she will be strong enough for the real boost which will be dumping you yet again.  You are the floor off of which she plans on bouncing.  You will play the function, once again perhaps, of transition guy, but not power slamming, get crazy transition guy, but supportive, worshipping transition guy.  There is no guy as sorry as that guy. 

 
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Go with the new girl.  As others have said above, the ex broke your heart once and even got married.  And looks like the husband wasn't a keeper for her either.  Chances are better than good that she'll do it again when she gets distracted by a new shiny object that may walk into her path.  Walk away unless you are looking for another let down.  

 
I've been out of the dating game for decades, so I just have a general question about dating multiple women.  When does it become "scummy"?  Everything is ok as long as you are upfront about it?  For example, you could be with (trying to stay within the new PG guidlines)  multiple women in a week and it's all good? There is a Cameron Diaz from Vanilla Sky joke in here somewhere...

I'm not looking to pass any moral judgement just wondering about the ground rules.

 
Steeler said:
I've been out of the dating game for decades, so I just have a general question about dating multiple women.  When does it become "scummy"?  Everything is ok as long as you are upfront about it?  For example, you could be with (trying to stay within the new PG guidlines)  multiple women in a week and it's all good? There is a Cameron Diaz from Vanilla Sky joke in here somewhere...

I'm not looking to pass any moral judgement just wondering about the ground rules.
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Its not scummy just not in the nature of OP. 

He is a simple 1 woman man to give his time to.

Neither are wrong 

 
This is a difficult situation to judge because we don't know all the details of your relationship history with your ex. How close were you and her then? Did you think she was "the one" at that time? How/why did she break your heart? This is all pertinent info.  I disagree with the posters saying if she broke your heart once, she'll do it again. Possibly of course, but not necessarily. Sometimes with age and more experience comes clarity. A person can grow a lot in 5 years. Maybe her other relationship(s) taught her that you were a lot closer to what she wanted than she knew 5 years ago. Maybe she went off the rails and is just desperate for companionship so she's looking at you, being her old flame.  I am guessing by saying that you're not over her, that you buried your feelings for her a while back and probably hadn't given it a whole lot of serious thought until she popped back into your life now. 

At any rate, I do agree with the follow your heart advice. It could go either way, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, IMO. Good luck, GB. 

 
Steeler said:
I've been out of the dating game for decades, so I just have a general question about dating multiple women.  When does it become "scummy"?  Everything is ok as long as you are upfront about it?  For example, you could be with (trying to stay within the new PG guidlines)  multiple women in a week and it's all good? There is a Cameron Diaz from Vanilla Sky joke in here somewhere...

I'm not looking to pass any moral judgement just wondering about the ground rules.
Click to expand...
It depends how you're spending your time together but I'd say after a few weeks of seeing each other regularly you should stop seeing others. 

There's no need to discuss seeing others at the start. You shouldn't hide it if it comes up, but if you're dating you should expect both parties to have other options they're free to explore. 

 
Really tough to opine without actual knowledge about the ex. Just based on what you described, in my carousing days I had ex'es like that in my life who come and went when they needed a nookie blankie coming out of a different relationship, were feeling blue, whatever. Those reconnections were always short lived as old dynamics took over pretty quick. You'll need to gauge your own ex, but be honest with yourself about it. Don't take this as a jab, but since you've self proclaimed yourself as not a ladies man, you may be inclined to go with the old/comfortable vs trying to get a new connection. You're probably more likely to find a new connection that works than rekindling a failed one, but who knows. Just my knee jerk, prior break up with you and failed marriage are bad indicators when compared to someone who does not have those red flags.   

 
Nathan R. Jessep said:
This is a difficult situation to judge because we don't know all the details of your relationship history with your ex. How close were you and her then? Did you think she was "the one" at that time? How/why did she break your heart? This is all pertinent info.  I disagree with the posters saying if she broke your heart once, she'll do it again. Possibly of course, but not necessarily. Sometimes with age and more experience comes clarity. A person can grow a lot in 5 years. Maybe her other relationship(s) taught her that you were a lot closer to what she wanted than she knew 5 years ago. Maybe she went off the rails and is just desperate for companionship so she's looking at you, being her old flame.  I am guessing by saying that you're not over her, that you buried your feelings for her a while back and probably hadn't given it a whole lot of serious thought until she popped back into your life now. 

At any rate, I do agree with the follow your heart advice. It could go either way, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, IMO. Good luck, GB. 
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This guy knows stuff. 

 
So honestly didn't really think about the ex for a long time.  Not like I was pining for her or anything once I got over her.  Was actually with one woman most of that time.  I guess what I mean is spending a full day with the ex it just felt like the old days very easily.

As to the relationship with ex we were together like a year.  Which to me at the time was very serious (not ladies man although a lot better than I used to be).  She broke up with me and dated another guy in our circle for a while before marrying the guy who she is now divorced from.  The ex husband was the ex prior to me.

The more I think the worse idea the ex is.  Though to be honest it doesn't mean I'll make the smart choice.  There's something about her.

 
Niles Standish said:
Was actually with one woman most of that time
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You need to spend some time casually dating multiple women. You've done the commitment thing a couple times over already, experience what it's like to be a little less attached. You'll end up married or long term committed again down the road, take a little time to enjoy being a bit more free while you can. It'll give you some perspective, you may find some new insights into what's really important to you in relationships. Be honest about it with the people you're dating. It may turn a few of them off, don't worry about it, you'll find others that will understand the place you're in and work with it.

 
Niles Standish said:
So honestly didn't really think about the ex for a long time.  Not like I was pining for her or anything once I got over her.  Was actually with one woman most of that time.  I guess what I mean is spending a full day with the ex it just felt like the old days very easily.

As to the relationship with ex we were together like a year.  Which to me at the time was very serious (not ladies man although a lot better than I used to be).  She broke up with me and dated another guy in our circle for a while before marrying the guy who she is now divorced from.  The ex husband was the ex prior to me.

The more I think the worse idea the ex is.  Though to be honest it doesn't mean I'll make the smart choice.  There's something about her.
Click to expand...
Understandable. And nothing says you can't hang out with the ex. Maybe the day was a fluke under ideal conditions and future endeavors wouldn't feel that way. Or maybe there's something to it. Either way, I agree with @Gr00vus . If the ex is the one, she'll find her way back to you, be it now or later on. In the meantime, don't pressure yourself into a decision. Go with the flow and enjoy the ride. 

 
Nathan R. Jessep said:
:thumbup: If I may ask, what do you think was the difference between the first relationship and the second one?  
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I'll try to keep it brief.

I first met my wife when I was 14. She was 16.  She was my cousins friend from high school and I used to spend the summers at my cousins acreage. I always had a huge crush on her, but thought she was way out of my league, partly because she was older (and cooler than me). At 18 she started dating my other cousins. He was 2 year older than her (and also way cooler than me). I would see her at all the family functions and we would hang out and talk. I think she knew I liked her, but I figured she was just being nice spending time with me. We were at a family wedding and she was there. She mentioned that her and my cousin had broke up a few weeks earlier. I took advantage of the situation and pulled out all my best moves. (But, it worked anyway.)  I was too young to know it, but I was in love. We had a connection that I never had with anyone else. Or, at least I felt that way.

Fast forward and my cousin comes back into the picture. He tells her he made a big mistake and they never should have broke up. Being naive, I actually felt bad for stepping in too early. We broke up so she could get back together with him. I didn't see her for about a year. Then one day she shows up at the Marina where I was working. She told me she broke up with my cousin a month after they got back together because he cheated on her. She didn't call because she didn't think I would take her back. We started dating again. I bought a ring after dating for 3 months. We were married a year later. 

 
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