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Fathers Day - Maybe Your Move? (1 Viewer)

Joe Bryant

Joe Bryant

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Hey Guys,

Happy Fathers Day. I know this day can be loaded. Not everyone is a Father of course and not everyone has a father still here. Or maybe doesn't have a great relationship with their father that is here.

I get it. What I want to express to you guys is I hope you have a great day. If there's something in your Father - Son or Father - Daughter Relationship that you'd like to see better, I'd humbly suggest that maybe you're the one that can take the first step towards making it better. 

It'll very likely be awkward or feel weird and it very likely might not appear to make any discernible difference. And it's possible it might even make things worse. But I think I'm pretty well convinced when it comes to trying to make things better, especially when it involves an apology or understanding you had some role in the problem, trying to make it better is almost always the right thing. 

Rock on.

 
I have a brother who has not called our dad for Father's Day for the past 5 years. When my mom asked him about this, his response was, "Father's Day is for fathers who are still raising their kids. He should be the one calling to congratulate me."

The same brother also does not call our mother on Mother's Day, and basically the only time that my parents see him is on Christmas and Thanksgiving.

I very much doubt that my brother will ever experience "regret" over this behavior. He thinks "regret" is what other people should feel for treating him poorly.

 
I have to agree with the just try part. I have never had a good relationship with my father. We went almost 10 years without talking when I first moved out,  refused to come to my wedding and had never met his grand daughter. 

His mom (my grandma) passed away 4 years ago and my grandpa asked me to try to be the bigger person and work it out. I tried several times to contact him, meet him for lunch or coffee and he would refuse or wouldn't return the call. I remember think to myself "Thanks grandpa this was a waste of time and the rejection hurt every time"

Then my grandpa passed late last year and I knew I would see my father there, but this time was different. I wasn't an emotional wreck. In a moment of clarity, while planning the trip for my grandpa's funeral. I realized that my father caused a lot of stress for me without ever being in my adult life. Every time I would go to a family function that I knew he would be at I would be a wreck the week before and a week after, but this time I didn't care. I didn't care what he thought of me, my lifestyle, my profession, my husband and why should I? He wouldn't give me an hour of his time. This felt incredible. 

As I sat through this moment of clarity, I started thinking back about a lot of things. The first 6 years of my marriage. They were filled with fights, lots of them. We were both at fault, but I realized the ones I started were usually because of something my father did. Whether it was when he didn't respond to an invite for dinner, or my husband did something that reminded me of my father and I would then think about my father and get upset. 

Anyways I am rambling, but I agree just try, and thanks grandpa, I guess you did know what you were doing. 

 
Joe Bryant said:
Agreed. Regret sucks. 
Click to expand...
In order to get to the point of regret, a person has to has to have a conscious - that takes growth and responsibility.  Not everyone can get there.  

In the meantime:

Uncle Duke‏ @UncleDuke1969 2h2 hours ago

A gate swings closed and locks.

Two men in cargo shorts and football helmets square off.

One raises a sharpened hockey stick, the other juggles a pair of Harbor Freight hammers.

A "World's Greatest Dad" trophy gleams outside the cage.

Welcome to Fatherdome.

 
Joe Summer said:
I have a brother who has not called our dad for Father's Day for the past 5 years. When my mom asked him about this, his response was, "Father's Day is for fathers who are still raising their kids. He should be the one calling to congratulate me."

The same brother also does not call our mother on Mother's Day, and basically the only time that my parents see him is on Christmas and Thanksgiving.

I very much doubt that my brother will ever experience "regret" over this behavior. He thinks "regret" is what other people should feel for treating him poorly.
Click to expand...
wow

 
 My Dad has been "pissy" for the last couple of months towards my wife & I because I chose to go to the Minnesota Twins opener with my wife instead of him.. . guess, in his mind, he should be more important then my wife of 27 years...  

But I sucked it up and gave him a call.. He was still pretty "cold" towards me... I swear at times he is 7, instead of 74..

But at least he can't say I didn't try :shrug:

 
We don't see my parents often but Dad and I had a good conversation today.

Is it weird for 70 year olds who have lived in one state all their lives to move to a state on the opposite side of the country which they've only visited a couple times and is over a day drive from their kids? 

Mine lived in Michigan their whole lives but will probably move to Arizona in September. Sister and I live south of Michigan. 

 
Family things get complicated. My parents got divorced about 20 years ago and my Dad remarried about 12 years ago. I always called him on his birthday, Fathers Day, Christmas, etc.and for a while I called him about once a month. Until he told me to stop calling so ####### much.

I never received a call from him, no card at Christmas, my sons are 11 and 13 and "Grandpa" had never sent them a birthday card or email or phone call. They also got nothing from him at Christmas. We'd make the 6 hour trip to visit him and his new wife a couple of times a year (My Mom and Brother live in the same area). We would sit there in awkward silence until I could think of what to say. He never asked my sons what they liked to do, about the sports they play, etc. He hardly spoke to my wife. 

My Dad passed away in January. This year I didn't miss having to make the awkward phone call a few days ago for his birthday or the one I would have made today. You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family. Relationships are a two way street. You can't just be giving all the time and never receiving. 

ETA- After reading some of the posts that were made after this one, I feel I should add that I am very glad to have my Father in Law in our lives. 

He is a great guy and my sons are crazy about him. 

 
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here's my father's day move.

my 14 yr. old and I are watching "Hard Days Night" as I comment every few seconds.

she hates it, but is a sweet, though ignorant, and brilliant sweetheart for putting up with it

she isn't really attracted to any of the Beatles and I am hurt by that    :no:

 
Binky The Doormat said:
here's my father's day move.

my 14 yr. old and I are watching "Hard Days Night" as I comment every few seconds.

she hates it, but is a sweet, though ignorant, and brilliant sweetheart for putting up with it

she isn't really attracted to any of the Beatles and I am hurt by that    :no:
Click to expand...
Have you told her about Pete Best?

Hes dreamy as hell

 
Joe Bryant said:
Hey Guys,

Happy Fathers Day. I know this day can be loaded. Not everyone is a Father of course and not everyone has a father still here. Or maybe doesn't have a great relationship with their father that is here.

I get it. What I want to express to you guys is I hope you have a great day. If there's something in your Father - Son or Father - Daughter Relationship that you'd like to see better, I'd humbly suggest that maybe you're the one that can take the first step towards making it better. 

It'll very likely be awkward or feel weird and it very likely might not appear to make any discernible difference. And it's possible it might even make things worse. But I think I'm pretty well convinced when it comes to trying to make things better, especially when it involves an apology or understanding you had some role in the problem, trying to make it better is almost always the right thing. 

Rock on.
Click to expand...
I feel the same way and admittedly, i have been very fortunate to be surrounded  by great family. I never had a strong relationship with my father  because he was older (was almost 44 when i was born) and an old school european type. Not upset or anything,  just the way it was.  I pushed my wife to reconnect with her parents about 3 years into our marriage. I never met them at that point. Her mom was terminal. 

So she did.

Mom eventually died and dad is around. He is cool. She still has baggage in dealing with him at times. All the things, to me anyway seem like minor annoyances more than anything but i guess to her its a trigger....but we seem him often. He got to meet grandkids now and yea...kinda a happy ending so I feel the same as you however....there are people. Mothers, fathers, brothers sisters etc...that are just so toxic and after several attempts to make things better that...maybe just maybe its best for a person to simply move on and not get dragged down into despair with the toxic levels these people walk around with.

Ive learned that instead of saying "you" should try to make it work if you want a better relationships to 1st listen and see if that person is happier not having that father in their life, even id it is a defensive or survival tool for ones own life with their happy and content family.

In short, ive come to respect peoples actions of cutting off fathers or mothers from their life as bad as it may seem to my "normal" upbringing cause at the root, some people are just horrible dooshes and dont deserve you in their life. Regardless of the title they hold in your life.

 
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comfortably numb said:
I feel the same way and admittedly, i have been very fortunate to be surrounded  by great family. I never had a strong relationship with my father  because he was older (was almost 44 when i was born) and an old school european type. Not upset or anything,  just the way it was.  I pushed my wife to reconnect with her parents about 3 years into our marriage. I never met them at that point. He mom was terminal. 

So she did.

Mom eventually died and dad is around. He is cool. She still has baggage in dealing with him at times. All the thinga seem like minor annoyances more than anything but i guess to her its a trigger....but we seem him often. He got to meet grandkids now and yea...kinda a happy ending so I feel the same as you however....there are people. Mothers, fathers, brothers sisters etc...that are just so toxic and after several attempts to make things better that...maybe just maybe its best for a person to simply move on and not get dragged down into despair with the toxic levels these people walk around with.

Ive learned that instead of saying "you" should try to make it work if you want a better relationships to 1st listen to see if that person is happier not having that father in their life, even id it is a defensive or survival tool for ones own life with their happy and content family.

In short, ive come to respect peoples actions of cutting off fathers or mothers from their life as bad as it may seem to my "normal" upbringing cause at the root, some people are just horrible dooshes and dont deserve you in their life. Regardless of the title they hold in your life.
Click to expand...
Different opinions are good. Thanks for sharing yours. It's also why I was careful to say "maybe" in my post. 

 
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Binky The Doormat said:
here's my father's day move.

my 14 yr. old and I are watching "Hard Days Night" as I comment every few seconds.

she hates it, but is a sweet, though ignorant, and brilliant sweetheart for putting up with it

she isn't really attracted to any of the Beatles and I am hurt by that    :no:
Click to expand...
My ####### kids got my Yellow Submarine Beatles LEGO set down this morning and had them getting eaten by the Jurassic Park dinos. I sternly warned them that no dino is tough enough to #### with The Beatles.

 
-OZ- said:
We don't see my parents often but Dad and I had a good conversation today.

Is it weird for 70 year olds who have lived in one state all their lives to move to a state on the opposite side of the country which they've only visited a couple times and is over a day drive from their kids? 

Mine lived in Michigan their whole lives but will probably move to Arizona in September. Sister and I live south of Michigan. 
Click to expand...
Not if they’re doing it to get to better weather. 

 
Spent the day with my girls.  They asked me again why I left them, left their mom.  They ask how they can trust me when I did that to them. I tell them what matters is that they are loved by me and their mother.  But we have years of work to do before I think they will be happy I am their dad. 

 
My father divorced my mom when I was 16 - I'm the oldest of three kids.  I tried to keep a relationship with him at first but he was always complaining about how much his life sucked (his girlfriend left him after he had spent mine and my siblings savings for college).  We spoke infrequently over the next few years and then radio silence for maybe 10 years.  At that time I had a similar notion as Joe - I reached out to him to see if anything was salvageable in the relationship.  We talked on the phone a couple times and it was fine, nothing great, but nothing too bad.  Then during the third call he reverted back to complaining about his life and asked for some money, I said I couldn't do it  (I had 2 small kids and a wife to take care of), the call ended shortly after that.  That was the last time I spoke to him (probably 15 / 16 years ago).  I have a half brother from his second marriage and he has a similar story to me and my siblings - he alienated all of his 4 kids and died completely alone a few years ago.  I honestly didn't even think about him until I read this thread.

Anyway, reaching out is a good idea, but sometimes it just confirms that you are better off without the person in your life - even if they are a parent.

 
-OZ- said:
We don't see my parents often but Dad and I had a good conversation today.

Is it weird for 70 year olds who have lived in one state all their lives to move to a state on the opposite side of the country which they've only visited a couple times and is over a day drive from their kids? 

Mine lived in Michigan their whole lives but will probably move to Arizona in September. Sister and I live south of Michigan. 
Click to expand...
They’re tired of the cold

 
My favorite fathers day memory is ov3er a quarter of a century old.  My oldest gave me a card and then said we could do anything I wanted for the whole day.  I suggested maybe we would listen to my albums and sing along.  She started crying inconsolably.

 
Joe Summer said:
I have a brother who has not called our dad for Father's Day for the past 5 years. When my mom asked him about this, his response was, "Father's Day is for fathers who are still raising their kids. He should be the one calling to congratulate me."

The same brother also does not call our mother on Mother's Day, and basically the only time that my parents see him is on Christmas and Thanksgiving.

I very much doubt that my brother will ever experience "regret" over this behavior. He thinks "regret" is what other people should feel for treating him poorly.
Click to expand...
If your brother needed anything, he could still go to either of them and likely they'd do whatever they could to help him.  Having that feeling inside of you provides a security, even if your dumb brain says you'd never, ever, ever call them for help.

When he/they are someday gone and that feeling doesn't exist anymore, it's a notable hole.  I don't know any of you, but I'd be willing to be there will be regret.

 
Abraham said:
Spent the day with my girls.  They asked me again why I left them, left their mom.  They ask how they can trust me when I did that to them. I tell them what matters is that they are loved by me and their mother.  But we have years of work to do before I think they will be happy I am their dad. 
Click to expand...
That's rough.  How old are they and how often do you see them?

 
Abraham said:
Spent the day with my girls.  They asked me again why I left them, left their mom.  They ask how they can trust me when I did that to them. I tell them what matters is that they are loved by me and their mother.  But we have years of work to do before I think they will be happy I am their dad. 
Click to expand...
Any improvement here? It’s hard for kids to understand parents’ relationships. They really never will until maybe they are married themselves. Hopefully there’s been some progress this last year.

 
I have two older half brothers. They have the same mom as me and they both have the same dad. My dad married our mom and then I came along. 

My mom divorced both guys a few years after the wedding. My dad died when I was 7. Their dad is still alive. 

Their dad is a bum. Not abusive but selfish, narcissistic, lazy and never contributed a dime to my brothers or my mom. He remarried (he’s a good looking/charming guy who fools women) and then she left him too. Everything bad in his life is everyone’s fault but himself. He even tried to be buddies with me growing up (I lived in the same town) but I never liked him. 

My brother and I have talked about who had it worse - me never really having a dad or him having a terrible one for years. Jury is still out but all 3 of us have grown to be good guys/dads so :shrug:  

 
This year, the boys are #####ing about having to spend brunch with several other families watching the US Women’s game together. 

 
No kids. Dogs got me a 32oz local brew IPA that I'm enjoying now. Have a long honey to do list but stayed out too late at the casinos last night. Just chilling, laying out on the patio. Wife likes to lay out nude. BBQ some short ribs soon. 

 
My dad passed 4 years ago just shy of my parent's 60 year anniversary,  I grew up in Beaver-Cleaver land--mom stayed home and raised five kids and dad was the guy who came home in the suit and tie at the end of the day to a kiss every night from my mom. My dad seemed tough on the outside, but when I went through some tough times emotionally in high school, he showed me such compassion and caring, I can't explain it in words. I miss him every day. 

I have worked every day to be the man he was. My wife and I will be celebrating our 26th anniversary (we have been together over 30 years). We have two amazing daughters (14-19), who just helped me cook dinner here.  This is a great day 

I will just add how the roles have reversed as my wife way out-earns me and I am the one who does the shopping and cooking. 

 
Last edited by a moderator:
tonydead said:
No kids. Dogs got me a 32oz local brew IPA that I'm enjoying now. Have a long honey to do list but stayed out too late at the casinos last night. Just chilling, laying out on the patio. Wife likes to lay out nude. BBQ some short ribs soon. 
Click to expand...
:pics:

 
snogger said:
 My Dad has been "pissy" for the last couple of months towards my wife & I because I chose to go to the Minnesota Twins opener with my wife instead of him.. . guess, in his mind, he should be more important then my wife of 27 years...  

But I sucked it up and gave him a call.. He was still pretty "cold" towards me... I swear at times he is 7, instead of 74..

But at least he can't say I didn't try :shrug:
Click to expand...
Year later and Dad has regressed.. A 7 year old would be insulted.. 

He never told my daughter and boyfriend congrats when they got engaged.. He had the opportunity at a family gathering a month later and still nothing... My daughter told me how hurt she was that he didn't go over and say congrats.. When I reached out to him to tell him he hurt his grand daughter by not saying anything his response was "She didn't come over to me!"... Really am tired of his "I am king you need to come to me" :bs: and I told him so... 

That was last summer.. Tried for his birthday, Christmas and in February to try to mend it and got the cold shoulder..

 To top it off I've tried for 7 years to get him to go to Canada and have gotten excuse after excuse... In March I found out he made plans to go on a Fly-in fishing trip this summer with my brother in-law and his grandson.. So yea, any chance of reconciling efforts from my end are done for awhile..

So, for those with Dad's that give a dam, PLEASE make sure to tell them thanks as I wish to god I had one. :(

 
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