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Political humor (1 Viewer)

U.S.—As Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is constantly in crowds, health officials are greatly concerned that he will catch the coronavirus -- which would be especially bad for him as he’s very, very old. Despite these concerns, Biden just can’t follow one of the CDC’s main recommendations to avoid catching the disease: Stop putting your hands all over other people’s faces.

“It’s just so hard,” Biden told the press. “I keep thinking to myself, ‘Don’t touch people’s faces. Don’t touch people’s faces.’ But the next thing I know, there are my hands rubbing all over some person I just walked into.”

Staffers have tried a number of methods to help train Biden to stop the behavior, such as spraying him in the face with water whenever he starts touching someone. Nothing has worked so far, but his staffers are hopeful. “It’s just a habit he has to unlearn,” said Biden staffer Melanie Chapman. “We’ll just keep working until--” 

At that point, Chapman was interrupted by Biden putting his hands all over her face. “You’re doing it again!” Chapman informed him.

“Oh no,” Biden said. “Well, is it okay if I just rub people’s shoulders?”

“No, that is never okay,” Chapman told him.

https://babylonbee.com/news/despite-cdc-warning-biden-cant-stop-touching-other-peoples-faces
Click to expand...

 
This one is BARELY satirical I'm sure

Nancy Pelosi Calls Jamaal Bowman To Scold Him For Winning Primary

I understand there are some mail-in ballots that still need to be counted, but it appears you won big last night and energized a lot of first-time voters and young people we absolutely did not want voting in this primary. So allow me to extend my sincerest ####-you for everything you’ve done. Obviously, we’re going to be working together soon, so I look forward to crushing you the first chance I get.
Click to expand...
😄 😄 😄

 
Last edited by a moderator:
From this morning's Chicago Tribune:

Twitter bites back with post-election quippery

Eric Zorn

“Gotta love how breaking the United States Postal Service, encouraging supporters to vote in person and making Pennsylvania count votes late — all designed to throw the election his way — has turned into slow, agonizing torture for Donald Trump.” — @lloydrang

“So the race ends as the President golfs and his pathetic aides stage a shambolic news conference at a landscaping company next to a (sex toy) store. I couldn’t have precisely predicted this, but it seems inevitable really.” — @vermontgmg

“This is such a physical and emotional relief, my heart feels like it just unzipped its pants after Thanksgiving dinner.” — @blainecapatch

After Fox News host Greg Gutfeld (@greggutfeld) tweeted, “Watching Democrats call upset Republicans ‘sore losers’ might be the greatest example of historical blindness you will ever find,” Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith), a staff writer at “The Late Show With Stephen Colbert,” tweeted back, “You guys still put Confederate flags on your cars.”

“I fear Trump may never share with us his very excellent health care plan now” — @TheRealHoarse

“Cubans in Florida: ‘We hate authoritarians, so we vote for them!’” — Andrew Bradley (@BettyBowers).

“Breaking News: Man with bad credit and multiple baby mamas about to be ejected from public housing.” — @Freeyourmindkid

“Trump got the whole 2020 experience: Got COVID-19, got fired, got evicted.” — @DanPriceSeattle

“One thing was definitely true: Donald Trump is not a career politician.” — @lloydrang

Late-night TV host Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) tweeted in the voice of year 2020: “Sorry about the other stuff. Did you get the election I sent you? Are we good now?”

“Just threw out the birthday card my Nana mailed me because it arrived the day after my birthday. Too late Nana! Very corrupt woman. Probably dead.” — @oleary_ray

Alluding to the numerous, gaudy rallies by Trump-supporting boaters that Trump supporters thought heralded a victory for him, Politico contributing editor Bill Scher (@billscher) tweeted, accurately , “The cruelest cut: Trump lost four of the top five states for boat ownership (California, Michigan, Minnesota and Wisconsin).”

“It’s important to treat the guys who are still suing to make cancer patients uninsurable with the conciliation and respect.” — @LOLGOP

“The nerve it takes to not only benefit from an already unbalanced system but to then gut the Voting Rights Act, engage in unprecedented gerrymandering, remove voting machines to cause hours long lines, pass voter ID laws, cripple the USPS & then claim you’ve been cheated.” — historian Michael Hattern (@MichaelHattem)

“If the election is indeed rigged, Mr. President, you had four years to reform the nation’s electoral system and did nothing but whine. That failure alone is worth kicking you to the curb. We need a president who prioritizes democracy.” — @GianDoh

“The same people who said ‘It can’t happen here’ and then ‘No one could have seen it coming’ will now say ‘It wasn’t really that bad.’ It was. Do not let anyone rewrite the history of the Trump administration. History must be remembered to ensure it does not repeat.” — journalist Sarah Kendzior (@sarahkendzior)

“Donald Trump is a defeated, impeached, one term president who is leaving the U.S. economy in tatters, our alliances frayed, our adversaries stronger, and our people enduring the largest mass casualty event in 100 years. His failure is total.” — actor/comedian Jon Cryer (@MrJonCryer)

 
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