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Parenting teen boy problem. Please advise. (1 Viewer)

Clown Car

Footballguy
My #4 is 16 in February. First male child. Smartish, lazy, and video game addicted. He thinks he’s smarter than everyone, especially me. But he’s really not.

He’s been caught in lies. Nothing major but enough that I don’t trust his word. 

He’s gotten caught a few different times cheating in online classes. I keep telling him he’s not smarter than the computers. 

This week he did something that I really never thought he would do. He stole something from his employer. He loves his boss, loves his job, loves the money he makes so this really surprised me. She hasn’t decided what she’s going to do yet, we are meeting with her tomorrow or Friday. I told him she has every right to fire him, and probably should. He can go work at McDonald’s. But on my end I punished him by taking away video games. PS4 and computer games. I said phone too but I can’t really regulate that so I’m not even trying. I told him he can’t play video games until the end of the semester. He has to do his work himself, not cheat and have everything done by May 31. If I get another call that he’s been caught cheating or stealing he will immediately quit his job and quit civil air patrol, which he loves more than anything else and I really think is very good for him. He agreeed to those terms and said all the right things about being sorry, etc. 

Here’s my big problem and I need the collective wisdom of the ffa: I suspected last night and busted him tonight of waiting til I went to bed and sneaking to his computer and playing games.  before I went to bed I clicked around on his computer and saw that he last played siege today. TODAY!! I hid in the hallway, I even set up a stool because I thought it might take some time. But no. As soon as I sounded like I went to bed he comes creeping out. I asked him what he was doing and if he’s playing games. He said no. I reminded him I don’t often ask questions I don’t already know the answer to and he just went back to bed. 

His dad is playing a gig at night this week and busy with work during the day so I hadn’t told him anything about the stealing. So I came to our room and told him everything and he said go pull the cpu. So I did that. But now what?? What do I do with this lying, cheating, stealing, idiot kid??!!

 
Father of 4 here.

How are  your other children doing in life?

Looking for a trend here.
1- college grad, living in Atlanta (about 4 hours from us). Debt free. Self supporting. Career goals are movie star or ufc champion. She’s been getting extra work and has her first fight next month. I’m not thrilled with her right now for that. 

2- high school grad, works full time for the state, lives an hour from here. Recently allowed her girlfriend to move in with her. The gf has cancer and can’t work so she’s supporting her, taking her to treatments, and her primary caregiver. I’m proud of her heart but so worried she’s in too deep. 

3- high school senior. Works for the same boss, goes to local community college for her high school work. Accepted to university about 2 hours away. 

 
This week he did something that I really never thought he would do. He stole something from his employer.
Gonna need to know what he stole before I can properly render a decision.

I mean, he should probably be fired no matter what. But depending on what he stole, then you might need to escalate it to additional consequences.

 
What explanation did he provide for stealing?
They have this huge storage barn type thing. It’s a catering business and he was sent to put something out there. On one of the shelves was a nice head phones set still in the box. He said he just wanted them and thought no one would notice they were gone. I don’t know how she did know or what she saw him do, but she did. And he confessed right away. He said he just did it. He said it was pure impulse. He saw them, wanted it, thought no one would notice, took it. He has more money than anyone in the family right now. He could buy any kind of head phones he could imagine. 

 
Gonna need to know what he stole before I can properly render a decision.

I mean, he should probably be fired no matter what. But depending on what he stole, then you might need to escalate it to additional consequences.
Head phones. From the storage shed. I told him she should fire him. I know she would if he stole money or credit card info or anything like that. 

 
They have this huge storage barn type thing. It’s a catering business and he was sent to put something out there. On one of the shelves was a nice head phones set still in the box. He said he just wanted them and thought no one would notice they were gone. I don’t know how she did know or what she saw him do, but she did. And he confessed right away. He said he just did it. He said it was pure impulse. He saw them, wanted it, thought no one would notice, took it. He has more money than anyone in the family right now. He could buy any kind of head phones he could imagine. 
Sounds that his brain just hasn’t matured enough to control his impulses and cost-benefit analysis type thinking just isn’t there for him yet.  That explains the sneaking around to play games. 

 
1- college grad, living in Atlanta (about 4 hours from us). Debt free. Self supporting. Career goals are movie star or ufc champion. She’s been getting extra work and has her first fight next month. I’m not thrilled with her right now for that. 

2- high school grad, works full time for the state, lives an hour from here. Recently allowed her girlfriend to move in with her. The gf has cancer and can’t work so she’s supporting her, taking her to treatments, and her primary caregiver. I’m proud of her heart but so worried she’s in too deep. 

3- high school senior. Works for the same boss, goes to local community college for her high school work. Accepted to university about 2 hours away. 
What was their relationship with little brother like? He wasn't the baby of the family/you finally got your boy?

 
Gonna need to know what he stole before I can properly render a decision.

I mean, he should probably be fired no matter what. But depending on what he stole, then you might need to escalate it to additional consequences.
Head phones. From the storage shed. I told him she should fire him. I know she would if he stole money or credit card info or anything like that. 
Headphones or earbuds? If it was just a $10 pair of earbuds, I'd fire him (to make sure he learned a lesson) but nothing more.

But if we're talking about a nice pair of Beats or something like that........I'd take all of his electronics away and downgrade him to a flip phone. Seriously.

 
Sounds that his brain just hasn’t matured enough to control his impulses and cost-benefit analysis type thinking just isn’t there for him yet.  That explains the sneaking around to play games. 
That’s so sad because he is the most reserved one. He observes and analyses everything. I think he thinks he won’t get caught. And I say you keep getting caught. What’s it going to take? Which makes me wonder how much is he doing he’s not getting caught? And where’s the line of teaching him the lesson but not pushing him down a path of self destruction because I punished too hard?

 
What was their relationship with little brother like? He wasn't the baby of the family/you finally got your boy?
He and the oldest sister are very much alike. Head strong and determined and think they are smarter than everyone else. Oldest girl learned a lot by being away her first year of college. She never did anything like this though. Herbad behaviors were drinking, having sex, smoking pot. But she was an adult and away at college so what am I going to do? She is definitely one who has to learn the hard way. I guess I did think he was a little smarter than her. But he does live life like we were waiting for him to be born. #5 is just happy to be alive and knows he could’ve been deposited in a reservoir tip somewhere. Very happy go lucky. 4 thinks we should all hail his greatness. I don’t. 

 
Tough age.  It's when they have the world figured out and really believe we have zero clue in life.  Most eventually regain their senses but it can be a tough time.  I'm not the right guy to ask about lazy kids playing video games.  Pretty opinionated on not letting that get out of hand before it becomes a real problem.  If I told my kid he was grounded for something the first time they went against it I would double the time and keep doubling it every time afterwards.  They would learn quickly. If you're soft they'll sense it and you're done.

Did he have any remorse about the theft?

 
Sounds that his brain just hasn’t matured enough to control his impulses and cost-benefit analysis type thinking just isn’t there for him yet.  That explains the sneaking around to play games. 
That’s so sad because he is the most reserved one. He observes and analyses everything. I think he thinks he won’t get caught. And I say you keep getting caught. What’s it going to take? Which makes me wonder how much is he doing he’s not getting caught? And where’s the line of teaching him the lesson but not pushing him down a path of self destruction because I punished too hard?
1. Getting fired for stealing is not too harsh of punishment.

2. sure there is a risk in pushing him down a path of self-destruction but that same risk is already there right now and it WILL GET WORSE if you don't come down fairly hard at some point.

 
Headphones or earbuds? If it was just a $10 pair of earbuds, I'd fire him (to make sure he learned a lesson) but nothing more.

But if we're talking about a nice pair of Beats or something like that........I'd take all of his electronics away and downgrade him to a flip phone. Seriously.
He showed it to me. I don’t think they were anything special. White. I don’t know what beats look like but this was in a cheap plastic box like Walmart/dollar general packaging. I’m intrigued by the flip phone idea though. 

 
You say he thinks he’s smart but he isn’t that smart. 

Is he?

In all seriousness, is this a really smart kid doing really dumb things or an average kid who thinks he’s a genius?

 
Tough age.  It's when they have the world figured out and really believe we have zero clue in life.  Most eventually regain their senses but it can be a tough time.  I'm not the right guy to ask about lazy kids playing video games.  Pretty opinionated on not letting that get out of hand before it becomes a real problem.  If I told my kid he was grounded for something the first time they went against it I would double the time and keep doubling it every time afterwards.  They would learn quickly. If you're soft they'll sense it and you're done.

Did he have any remorse about the theft?
Yes he seemed truly ashamed of himself. Didn’t want me to tell his dad or any other kids. The video game thing here is already out of control for all of them. 4-11(ages 15-2). It’s out of hand. I don’t know what to do at this point. All of us really. While I don’t play games I’m on my phone texting or chatting or reading all freaking day. 

 
1. Getting fired for stealing is not too harsh of punishment.

2. sure there is a risk in pushing him down a path of self-destruction but that same risk is already there right now and it WILL GET WORSE if you don't come down fairly hard at some point.
I agree she should fire him. I don’t think she will though. I meant from my side. How far do I keep punishing and he keeps doubling down on trying to hide things better?

 
You say he thinks he’s smart but he isn’t that smart. 

Is he?

In all seriousness, is this a really smart kid doing really dumb things or an average kid who thinks he’s a genius?
I think he’s smarter than average. Might be my bias but wow some of the dullards around here. Most of the adults in his life think he’s smart, upstanding, polite. Boss, coach, cap adults, all think he’s got the right stuff to go in any direction he wants. He says he wants Air Force academy. I don’t think he’s that smart. 

 
1. Getting fired for stealing is not too harsh of punishment.

2. sure there is a risk in pushing him down a path of self-destruction but that same risk is already there right now and it WILL GET WORSE if you don't come down fairly hard at some point.
I agree she should fire him. I don’t think she will though. I meant from my side. How far do I keep punishing and he keeps doubling down on trying to hide things better?
Well, you've already grounded him from the computer so you shouldn't back down so quickly (he'll sense the weakness).

So, let him get fired and let him be grounded from the computer for a while. See if he can stick it out. And if he behaves himself for a few weeks, maybe give some of his computer privileges back to him.

 
You mentioned....

Her bad behaviors were drinking, having sex, smoking pot.

Without appearing to put that where it belongs.

An unwed mom, he's long gone, who drinks and smokes pot,  could be very real. Now you are running down your son....idiot kid?

One daughter wanting to beat people up?

I had a feeling that would be the case.

Good luck~~~~

 
Well, you've already grounded him from the computer so you shouldn't back down so quickly (he'll sense the weakness).

So, let him get fired and let him be grounded from the computer for a while. See if he can stick it out. And if he behaves himself for a few weeks, maybe give some of his computer privileges back to him.
Back down?? I haven’t backed down!! I suspected then caught him sneaking to play on the computer at night. I yanked all the cords out of the cpu and put it in my closet. He gets no privileges back until he finishes his courses this semester. But what do I do for the sneaking????

 
He says he wants Air Force academy. I don’t think he’s that smart. 
Here's a tip: if he attempts to join the military (or most government jobs), there will be an extensive background check. He WILL be asked if he's ever been fired from an employer for stealing. He better tell them the truth. Because if he says "No", and the military finds out he was lying (and they WILL find out he was lying, believe me), then he'll flunk his background check.

 
I think he’s smarter than average. Might be my bias but wow some of the dullards around here. Most of the adults in his life think he’s smart, upstanding, polite. Boss, coach, cap adults, all think he’s got the right stuff to go in any direction he wants. He says he wants Air Force academy. I don’t think he’s that smart. 
He’s 16.  Did he take the PSAT yet? If so, what was his score?

 
You mentioned....

Her bad behaviors were drinking, having sex, smoking pot.

Without appearing to put that where it belongs.

An unwed mom, he's long gone, who drinks and smokes pot,  could be very real. Now you are running down your son....idiot kid?

One daughter wanting to beat people up?

I had a feeling that would be the case.

Good luck~~~~
What does this even mean? #1 didn’t hide her actions or lie about them. I don’t understand your implication? 

 
Here's a tip: if he attempts to join the military (or most government jobs), there will be an extensive background check. He WILL be asked if he's ever been fired from an employer for stealing. He better tell them the truth. Because if he says "No", and the military finds out he was lying (and they WILL find out he was lying, believe me), then he'll flunk his background check.
I believe you. Will he believe me? I doubt it. 

 
He’s 16.  Did he take the PSAT yet? If so, what was his score?
He’s taken it twice. I think 1200 or so his freshman year. I haven’t gotten his scores back from this year yet. Our test was pushed back because of hurricane Michael. I do need to call about that though. 

 
He took the PSAT as a freshman and scored 1200?

He’s in roughly the top 10% of the nation if it’s the PSAT/NMQT. He’s probably top 3-5% of the 8/9 if it was that test. 

Was the oldest daughter’s drug issue with speed/cocaine and/or LSD by any chance?

 
He took the PSAT as a freshman and scored 1200?

He’s in roughly the top 10% of the nation if it’s the PSAT/NMQT. He’s probably top 3-5% of the 8/9 if it was that test. 

Was the oldest daughter’s drug issue with speed/cocaine and/or LSD by any chance?
Then I must have the numbers wrong. No way he did that well. But he did say taking it this year he felt a lot better than he did last year. I have him doing a test prep course through the army. 

No, the oldest only drank and smoked pot. While I can’t be 100% sure that’s 100% accurate, I think she would have told me by now if she did anything worse. She enjoys trying to “shock” me. Now she’s so focused on diet and exercise I’m fairly certain she’s clean. Also she looks great. Better than ever. She was beautiful in high school. Went through a weird phase in early college. But now looks wonderful. Healthy and strong and good skin (she gets that from her dad). Also, her sisters would have told me about it by now. That’s too serious. 

 
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What does this even mean? #1 didn’t hide her actions or lie about them. I don’t understand your implication? 
A boy with an older sister who drinks/smokes pot, has unwed sex and another older sister who likes to fight and dad knows this. Not sure that is the best world to be in for a kid growing up.  We could see some problems.

 
Then I must have the numbers wrong. No way he did that well. But he did say taking it this year he felt a lot better than he did last year. I have him doing a test prep course through the army. 

No, the oldest only drank and smoked pot. While I can’t be 100% sure that’s 100% accurate, I think she would have told me by now if she did anything worse. She enjoys trying to “shock” me. Now she’s so focused on diet and exercise I’m fairly certain she’s clean. Also she looks great. Better than ever. She was brain high school. Went through a weird phase in early college. But now looks wonderful. Healthy and strong and good skin (she gets that from her dad). Also, her sisters would have told me about it by now. That’s too serious. 
Well, I would check on those numbers. If he scored a 1200, I would get him checked for ADD/ADHD with impulse control issues.  It doesn’t translate anymore, but 25 years ago a corresponding score would have qualified him for MENSA. 

 
A boy with an older sister who drinks/smokes pot, has unwed sex and another older sister who likes to fight and dad knows this. Not sure that is the best world to be in for a kid growing up.  We could see some problems.
First of all, it’s one sister who likes to fight, in a gym, not like bar fights, and has sex on her terms, which is her business. Neither of the other sisters fight. Now if you’re saying that his knowledge of his sisters’ sexual proclivities is causing him to steal, I think you’re nuts and aren’t adding anything beneficial. 

 
I’ll also say this: I don’t know you and I am sure you are an awesome mother.  

In addition, if he did actually score a 1200 as a freshman and you don’t think he’s smart enough to do that, you may want to step back and question whether he knows you think that.  

 
Well, I would check on those numbers. If he scored a 1200, I would get him checked for ADD/ADHD with impulse control issues.  It doesn’t translate anymore, but 25 years ago a corresponding score would have qualified him for MENSA. 
I will look into the scores. I don’t think add/adhd but I’m no expert. But I also don’t think Mensa. I do think if he were in school he would be “gifted”. His dad and I both tested very high. But dang. If he’s this smart why be stupid?

 
I will look into the scores. I don’t think add/adhd but I’m no expert. But I also don’t think Mensa. I do think if he were in school he would be “gifted”. His dad and I both tested very high. But dang. If he’s this smart why be stupid?
I can potentially answer that question but I’d like to know if it applies first. 

 
I’ll also say this: I don’t know you and I am sure you are an awesome mother.  

In addition, if he did actually score a 1200 as a freshman and you don’t think he’s smart enough to do that, you may want to step back and question whether he knows you think that.  
I appreciate that. I don’t think he knows I think that. They all think I think they are all amazing and can do whatever they  set their minds to. I do think he doesn’t think he’s that smart in reality. I mean I know he thinks he can lie and cheat and not get caught. But he doesn’t think writing the essay himself will be good enough which is why he cheated. And his own work is good. He’s just lazy. And wants to play video games. And if I ask ask why to all of this,  he says “I don’t know”

 
First of all, it’s one sister who likes to fight, in a gym, not like bar fights, and has sex on her terms, which is her business. Neither of the other sisters fight. Now if you’re saying that his knowledge of his sisters’ sexual proclivities is causing him to steal, I think you’re nuts and aren’t adding anything beneficial. 
A girl who likes to hit other people is in this mix as is a boy who steals, another girl who likes to drink, unwed sex and smokes pot. And a father calling his son....an idiot.

Where was I wrong?

I mentioned wanting to see a trend, right?

Show me anything positive there. 

 
I appreciate that. I don’t think he knows I think that. They all think I think they are all amazing and can do whatever they  set their minds to. I do think he doesn’t think he’s that smart in reality. I mean I know he thinks he can lie and cheat and not get caught. But he doesn’t think writing the essay himself will be good enough which is why he cheated. And his own work is good. He’s just lazy. And wants to play video games. And if I ask ask why to all of this,  he says “I don’t know”


It doesn’t sound specifically like he thinks he won’t get caught.  It sounds like he doesn’t think anyone will notice.  

Edit: and I would be surprised if your kids don’t know what you think of them. 

 
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I can potentially answer that question but I’d like to know if it applies first. 
Oh just tell me now what you think. We will see where applications can be made later. I’m trying to figure this out right now. Not after I check test scores or have him tested for add. Just tell me what you think. 

 
It doesn’t sound specifically like he thinks he won’t get caught.  It sounds like he doesn’t think anyone will notice.  

Edit: and I would be surprised if your kids don’t know what you think of them. 
I think you are right about he thinks it won’t be noticed. But it has been. Repeatedly. Why continue?

well, I hope they know I think they can do anything they set their minds to. 

 
Ignore him. He's trying to get under your skin because he thinks it's funny. It's not. 
Totally/completely/100% wrong, there is nothing funny about this at all.

What did we see from the older children?  Violence, alcohol, drugs, sex.

I can't help but think there were some bad influenses in this situation.

 
Oh just tell me now what you think. We will see where applications can be made later. I’m trying to figure this out right now. Not after I check test scores or have him tested for add. Just tell me what you think. 
I don’t know what I think unless I have some idea of what we’re talking about.  A narcissist thinks he’s smart but isn’t and it doesn’t matter if he gets caught because he convinces himself he was in the right. A kid with ADD has ten thousand things going through his head and kind of assumes everyone else does, too and won’t even notice what he does and even if they would he can’t control impulses.  An overachiever or one who reacts wildly to small impingement on his character usually lives in a house where he feels like he has to be perfect.  A kid who thinks his parents think he’s an idiot may act like one.  And may doubt everything about himself because his parents must be right.  There are just a thousand scenarios and right now I don’t feel comfortable speculating on what applies unless he may actually be really smart and things kind of snowball from there. 

 
I don’t know what I think unless I have some idea of what we’re talking about.  A narcissist thinks he’s smart but isn’t and it doesn’t matter if he gets caught because he convinces himself he was in the right. A kid with ADD has ten thousand things going through his head and kind of assumes everyone else does, too and won’t even notice what he does and even if they would he can’t control impulses.  An overachiever or one who reacts wildly to small impingement on his character usually lives in a house where he feels like he has to be perfect.  A kid who thinks his parents think he’s an idiot may act like one.  And may doubt everything about himself because his parents must be right.  There are just a thousand scenarios and right now I don’t feel comfortable speculating on what applies unless he may actually be really smart and things kind of snowball from there. 
I don’t think he’s a narcissist. I don’t think he’s add. I do think he’s a perfectionist. Not because we expect perfection. We clearly don’t. But I fully acknowledge that I’m a very flawed parent and maybe he does think we expect perfection from him. 

 

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