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Start Hiding money - advice on divorce (1 Viewer)

N

NIU Kicker

Footballguy
Looking for some advice for a friend.  And yes, this is a Alias for a semi known poster here and it really is for a friend, not me thankfully.

Close friend of mine had “the talk” last night with his wife of roughly 8 years.  The theme being “what the heck are we doing”.  She’s unhappy, he’s unhappy - they have a kid together so “it’s complicated”.  Neither one is iminantly ready to run out on the other but it was an interesting conversation to say the least.  2 or so years ago my buddy (the guy) lost his second parent and inherited somewhere in the neighborhood of north of $1M, which in Maine where they live is enough money to never work again, he’s 43.

Now to be clear if this breaks bad he isn’t going to pick up and leave the wife and kid on the street.  He would pay off what little of the House they own and leave them the place, that’s not a question.  He does however have an issue with leaving her mid hundreds of thousands to go with it.  So we are at the point of the old FBG joke “start hiding money”.

other than getting a counciler and trying to save the marriage (which was what I recommended) does anyone have any advice to prepare for said event?

he asked about taking out a huge chunk of cash which I advised against as any forensic accountant is going to rip apart.  I suggested hitting up the ATM for a thousand a day and getting a gambling habit.

 
IMO any changes in financial behavior AFTER an on-record discussion of divorce will put him in a bad light once proceedings start. It may also cause this to turn contentious which could not only drag things out but also result in a Shocking portion of his $1MM being eaten up by legal fees. 

If at ALL possible, settle as amicably as possible. You can give her a couple hundred grand, or you can give lawyers and her a couple hundred grand each. 

 
Step 1:  Get into marriage counseling and save the marriage.

Step 2:  Go back to step 1.

Step 3:  If Steps 1 and 2 don't work out, refer him to mensdivorceforum . com to get legit advice.  Those dudes have been through the worst of it and will provide a very detailed go-forward plan for the upcoming 'battle'.

ETA - divorce is likely one of the worst things he and his child will experience in life.  This is not a decision to take lightly because he's unhappy.  

 
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NIU Kicker said:
Looking for some advice for a friend.  And yes, this is a Alias for a semi known poster here and it really is for a friend, not me thankfully.

Close friend of mine had “the talk” last night with his wife of roughly 8 years.  The theme being “what the heck are we doing”.  She’s unhappy, he’s unhappy - they have a kid together so “it’s complicated”.  Neither one is iminantly ready to run out on the other but it was an interesting conversation to say the least.  2 or so years ago my buddy (the guy) lost his second parent and inherited somewhere in the neighborhood of north of $1M, which in Maine where they live is enough money to never work again, he’s 43.

Now to be clear if this breaks bad he isn’t going to pick up and leave the wife and kid on the street.  He would pay off what little of the House they own and leave them the place, that’s not a question.  He does however have an issue with leaving her mid hundreds of thousands to go with it.  So we are at the point of the old FBG joke “start hiding money”.

other than getting a counciler and trying to save the marriage (which was what I recommended) does anyone have any advice to prepare for said event?

he asked about taking out a huge chunk of cash which I advised against as any forensic accountant is going to rip apart.  I suggested hitting up the ATM for a thousand a day and getting a gambling habit.
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As long as he kept the inheritance money in an account in his name only he would not need to give any of it to his wife if they divorced.  If he put it in an account with both of them he is ####ed.

 
Don't Noonan said:
As long as he kept the inheritance money in an account in his name only he would not need to give any of it to his wife if they divorced.  If he put it in an account with both of them he is ####ed.
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That's not necessarily true in all states, but, yes, in many states if he inherited the money and kept it in a separate account he may be able to keep all of it.  Good luck to him.

 
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He should find a divorce lawyer he trusts/likes and pay for an hour or two of that lawyer's time to discuss his options.

And he shouldn't listen to anyone telling him that he's a bad parent for breaking up his marriage.  People are so judgmental, even some of the comments above in this thread.  Everyone's life is different, and many kids from divorced homes end up happier and emotionally healthier because of it.  Living in a loveless marriage and setting that example for your kid can be just as harmful as divorce.

 
NIU Kicker said:
Looking for some advice for a friend.  And yes, this is a Alias for a semi known poster here and it really is for a friend, not me thankfully.

Close friend of mine had “the talk” last night with his wife of roughly 8 years.  The theme being “what the heck are we doing”.  She’s unhappy, he’s unhappy - they have a kid together so “it’s complicated”.  Neither one is iminantly ready to run out on the other but it was an interesting conversation to say the least.  2 or so years ago my buddy (the guy) lost his second parent and inherited somewhere in the neighborhood of north of $1M, which in Maine where they live is enough money to never work again, he’s 43.

Now to be clear if this breaks bad he isn’t going to pick up and leave the wife and kid on the street.  He would pay off what little of the House they own and leave them the place, that’s not a question.  He does however have an issue with leaving her mid hundreds of thousands to go with it.  So we are at the point of the old FBG joke “start hiding money”.

other than getting a counciler and trying to save the marriage (which was what I recommended) does anyone have any advice to prepare for said event?

he asked about taking out a huge chunk of cash which I advised against as any forensic accountant is going to rip apart.  I suggested hitting up the ATM for a thousand a day and getting a gambling habit.
Click to expand...
If his main focus in the divorce is to keep as much of his inherited money as possible, in my opinion, the divorce will turn contentious, and the ongoing relationship with the ex will probably be bad which will affect his quality of life going forward since he will still be co-parenting with the ex. I made the decision to be equitable in my divorce and if anything gave more than I had to. This made the divorce cheap (I think we spent about $1,600 on a mediator), and has made my relationship with my ex as good as it can be which has made raising our two boys as divorced parents doable. To me it was worth it not to fight over money (which was significant). Your friend has to ask himself how much grief is he willing to buy for the amount of money he gets to keep?

 
Separate property more than likely but we are speculating as to what account did he put the $ on etc.. He should go see an attorney to learn his rights and options

 
Angry Beavers said:
Separate property more than likely but we are speculating as to what account did he put the $ on etc.. He should go see an attorney to learn his rights and options
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The account only matters in that he would have to trace what is separate and what is not.  It's a pain, but not fatal.

 
[scooter] said:
I hope the response to that was "Raising a child."

Because that should be their #1 focus. If they're unhappy with each other, too bad.
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I know way more people damaged by living in a loveless house with parents who hated each other, than people who had worse childhoods because of divorce. That can sometimes be the right choice for everyone, including the kids. It was for my parents growing up. This seems like horrible advice. 

 
cashman88 said:
many kids from divorced homes end up happier and emotionally healthier because of it.  Living in a loveless marriage and setting that example for your kid can be just as harmful as divorce.
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I read that a lot... does anyone know of any research on this?  I'm a child of divorce, and my experience didn't match this... but I'm just one person.

 
eoMMan said:
If he didn't inherit the money, would he be as quick to ask for a divorce?
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Hey what's up. :hifive: I see where you're going, but I think it is actually the money that's making him pause. Pump his breaks or whatever. Because now that he knows he might have to pay up he's weighing his options more carefully - as opposed to if he was still broke. I see where you're going tho. Maybe it's the other way around - Maybe she's been acting like a jerk to try and push him away, subliminally sabotaging him. That way when he finally caves and asks for a divorce it was "his idea." Maybe she's pushing all the right buttons because she wants to be free and paid. She might have seen this inheritance thing coming even before they got married. Think about that ####

 
NIU Kicker said:
I suggested hitting up the ATM for a thousand a day and getting a gambling habit.
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What was his response. What does he really want though? Like, what's gonna make him happy. Instead of jumping into divorce, maybe he should take this as an opportunity to change himself. Like, quit drinking, start exercising. Do some kind of life change for himself - take all the energy that a divorce would have cost and use it to better himself instead. Does that make sense? Then that way, when he really does get divorced, he's a really good specimen of a person - or at least an improved one - and it'll help him get off on the right foot starting a new life. Instead of destroying something, why not try to create something first. At the very least it'll increase his self esteem. If it was me I'd just start sleeping in a separate bedroom and GTL every single day until I was sexy enough to break up with her and make it on my own. That's actually a good analogy if you ignore how superficial it is.

 
Tick said:
I read that a lot... does anyone know of any research on this?  I'm a child of divorce, and my experience didn't match this... but I'm just one person.
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Did your parents hate each other and fight all the time after the divorce?  Yes? Now picture them being together all the time.   Brutal.  

 
Here is some horrible advice, as I am not a lawyer and have done zero research on whether or not this is smart(or valid):  Find out who the worst divorce attorney is within a 50 mile radius and make an appointment with every attorney EXCEPT that worst one.  Discuss your case with the attorneys but only hire the best one.  Ethics will prevent the other lawyers from being hired by your wife, and she will be stuck with the worst one.

 
Hastur said:
Here is some horrible advice, as I am not a lawyer and have done zero research on whether or not this is smart(or valid):  Find out who the worst divorce attorney is within a 50 mile radius and make an appointment with every attorney EXCEPT that worst one.  Discuss your case with the attorneys but only hire the best one.  Ethics will prevent the other lawyers from being hired by your wife, and she will be stuck with the worst one.
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Tony Soprano, is that you?

 
Real advice...

the original post seemed to concede primary custody to the wife. That’s a big mistake. Even if he thinks it’s best (maybe yes, maybe no) you start by assuming the child goes with you. Should things get contentious (and they might if you start with that assumption, but then again they would have gotten contentious anyway with a mill on the table) that becomes a concession, her w primary custody and the house and him w his mill plus weekends and holidays 

 
Thanks for the feedback all. Learned a few things.  

I’d put it at less than 50% they end up with a divorce in the next 3 years despite “the talk” last night.  They are both good people stuck in a rut is what I’m getting out of it.  My buddy isn’t looking to screw her over or walk away from the kid but heard such horror stories from other guys getting destroyed in a divorce he wants to protect himself a little.

 
dhockster said:
If his main focus in the divorce is to keep as much of his inherited money as possible, in my opinion, the divorce will turn contentious, and the ongoing relationship with the ex will probably be bad which will affect his quality of life going forward since he will still be co-parenting with the ex. I made the decision to be equitable in my divorce and if anything gave more than I had to. This made the divorce cheap (I think we spent about $1,600 on a mediator), and has made my relationship with my ex as good as it can be which has made raising our two boys as divorced parents doable. To me it was worth it not to fight over money (which was significant). Your friend has to ask himself how much grief is he willing to buy for the amount of money he gets to keep?
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couldn't agree more.  I think you bend over a little for the sake of the child & future dealings with the ex.

It's a bad situation & just expressing my opinion.  sorry for all involved.

 
ghostguy123 said:
Did your parents hate each other and fight all the time after the divorce?  Yes? Now picture them being together all the time.   Brutal.  
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And sometimes its not fighting.  Parents who show no affection for each other, no kissing/hugging/"I love you", etc.  After awhile the kids notice.  Do they wonder if that's the way "love" is supposed to be?

 
ConnSKINS26 said:
[scooter] said:
I hope the response to that was "Raising a child."

Because that should be their #1 focus. If they're unhappy with each other, too bad.
Click to expand...
I know way more people damaged by living in a loveless house with parents who hated each other, than people who had worse childhoods because of divorce. That can sometimes be the right choice for everyone, including the kids. It was for my parents growing up. This seems like horrible advice. 
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Let me know when the OP says that the friend and his wife hate each other.

 
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Mrs. Rannous said:
The account only matters in that he would have to trace what is separate and what is not.  It's a pain, but not fatal.
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Without researching Maine law, I don't know if that's accurate.  In some states, if an inheritance is deposited into a joint account, it becomes a "gift to the marriage" by the inheritor and is then 100% marital property.

 
Does she know about the inheritance? If so, I don't see any reason to hide anything.

Also, put me in the camp that would err on the side of giving her too much, especially if you don't think you'll be awarded custody of your kid (assuming you want it).

 
irish eyes said:
You couldn't live off a million dollars at 43? What are you doing everyday.
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I mean a million is going to kick off what? 25k in interest a year at today's rate?    My property tax would eat up more than half of that.  Maybe Maine has no property tax, ok.  But 25k a year is basically poverty level until I can get to my 401k in 20 years.

So if you say, ok I'm going to just draw down 50k a year until my 401k kicks in (20 years worth) then start taking distributions and then social.  That's still a life that is pretty lean.  

A million bucks isn't ####.  

 
500k at 43 isn't bad. What's he so afraid of? Move along with life before you're old and miserable. It probably won't get much better if a cool million didn't help things.

 
Tick said:
cashman88 said:
many kids from divorced homes end up happier and emotionally healthier because of it.  Living in a loveless marriage and setting that example for your kid can be just as harmful as divorce.
Click to expand...
I read that a lot... does anyone know of any research on this?  I'm a child of divorce, and my experience didn't match this... but I'm just one person.
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Agree.  But not sure if my parents staying together would have been any better.  Probably case by case.  I probably just picked the wrong parent.

 
Yeah I don’t think they hate each other but they are admitting to not being happy.  They aren’t running out the door just yet and they are going to work on it is what I’m told.

If they do break it off he isn’t looking to flat out screw her over.  He just doesn’t want her walking away with “half Eddie” thus the line of questioning.

 
culdeus said:
How is a million at 43 retire money?

How cheap is maine? 
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I don’t think he considers it retiring money.  That said he’s a fairly frugal guy.  He would easily live in a simple 1BR living on Natural Light and vodka and a golf membership to the local public course and make the money go a long long way.

 
apalmer said:
Without researching Maine law, I don't know if that's accurate.  In some states, if an inheritance is deposited into a joint account, it becomes a "gift to the marriage" by the inheritor and is then 100% marital property.
Click to expand...
Good to know.

 
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