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Simplifying Childhood (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter gianmarco
- Start date
El Floppo
Footballguy
We suffer from a lot of that, but one thing the wife and I have always believed- as people in creative fields- unstructured boredom fosters creativity and intellectual curiosity. Yes we put our kids in camps and classes outside of school... but we try to make sure they have lots and lots of down time to come up with things to do/make/think on their own. I still stand behind that idea...although screens have proven to be a major hindrance and in need of much more supervision than I'd like.
sublimeone
Footballguy
This is spot on IMO. I think adults suffer from the same issues. There is simply too much stuff going on in their lives but they think it’s all necessary.
Ned
Footballguy
Love this.
We have conversations surrounding some of this with our kids often. Just talked about it this weekend while we were out camping this weekend and our youngest was wanting to jump from activity to activity. Explained to them how it's important for all 4 of us to unplug and slow down. We get sucked into the modern life; learning to slow down and be bored is good for the mind/body (easier said than done).
100% agree with this article and it is a big part of my parenting philosophy. I see so many of my friends with kids who have so much going on (sports, camps, birthdays, etc) that they have zero downtime. I can't help but feel this way of life is not good for either the kids or the parents. I'm not sure how or why this started, but It's a focus on do do do instead of spending time together as a family or being independent. I try to focus on slowing down, not committing too much and definitely planned downtime so my kids have to discover on their own.
E-Z Glider
Footballguy
Heard an interview with Jim James several months ago and he basically said the exact same thing. That creativity comes from boredom and smart phones dont allow our kids to be bored anymore.
El Floppo
Footballguy
when Sandy hit NYC, floppinho was 3- and already hooked into shows, screens. we were without power for IIRC 5 days- and without phones, computers, tv, etc- all of us slowed waaaay down and engaged eachother a lot more. aside from being chillingly cold and uncomfortable, it was amazing. candles and stories when the sun went down, followed by sleep not long afterwards. completely unplugged.. .which I guess is a separate thing than what hte OP's article is about... but seems related.
El Floppo
Footballguy
I see how expectant/impatient both of my kids have become with stimulation always a swipe away. I really want/need to unplug both kids more
E-Z Glider
Footballguy
Its not just kids. People literally reach for their phones the instant they feel bored. Look around at a redlight sometime, nearly every driver of every age reaches for their phone the second their car stops.
El Floppo
Footballguy
Wife and I both unfortunately not much better
wikkidpissah
Footballguy
unlike most of our biases & bugaboos, the great burden of hyperactivity is parenting-based. it is an invention of our search for answers, our need for mastery in parenting when there can be none in the urban/surburban realm.
hyperactivity may be cured by a single word - duty. with abiding, explicit duty in life, only children with real structural imbalances (my guess - 0.25%) will suffer unto hyperactivity disorders
hyperactivity may be cured by a single word - duty. with abiding, explicit duty in life, only children with real structural imbalances (my guess - 0.25%) will suffer unto hyperactivity disorders
ChiefD
Footballguy
Great article - pretty much sums up our parenting philosophy. My wife and I are pretty much the Martian parents at the kids school.
1. The kids get 1 hour of video gaming a day during weekends or breaks. 30 minutes during the school week. Parents always ask us: "how do we do that? my kids would go nuts." We just tell them: "We are their parents." And shrug our shoulders.
2. Kids only get one sport/activity at a time. So no multiple sports/activity during a current season. So they can choose one or the other. But the MUST finish that activity. No quitting.
3. No premier leagues or select teams. We could see early on none of kids are pro material, so we aren't spending the time and money to play tournaments every weekend. Weekends during the summer are for camping, fishing, hiking - family time. The last thing we wanted was to be separated every weekend, or drag two other kids to a tournament they don't wanna be at.
4. Early bed times. Been this way their whole lives. All 3 kids, even the teenager, are in bed by 9 or 9:30 every night. We'll let them stay up if we are awake in the summer, but they go to bed and really don't complain.
I could type out another 25 things we do, but these 4 are probably at the core of what we believe. My wife and I need breaks - just like the kids.
otb_lifer
Footballguy
was 9 days for us (Queens), but exact experiences as you laid out ... my daughter was 7 at the time, so she was a bit more hep to the disaster jive than a toddler might've been.El Floppo said:
fireplace helped a great deal, bought some neighbors in during the weekend (lost power on 10/29, which was a Monday night), and the vibe was really cool.
we moved on to wireless Tuesdays and Sundays for awhile, where we disconnected from everything and revisited the Sandy shtick (tougher in the summer with no cooling units, so it was sleepouts in the yard).
almost had a repeat last night with that electrical storm.
jb1020
Footballguy
We have lots of similarities. Early bed times are key. We keep the sports to one at a time, but we're taking this summer off from everything. No TV's in their rooms....people are amazed we can do this.ChiefD said:
The thing we try to do better at is one on one time with our kids. When you take one kid away from the other a whole new personality comes out. We do so much together, but rarely do I just take my daughter to the movies or just my son to a baseball game.
I've been personally working on my own phone screen time. I'm down to averaging an hour and a half. Thats down from probably 4 hours a few months ago. Its refreshing not worrying.
ChiefD
Footballguy
Man, you aren't kidding. We've been doing this since they were little. They love their "special time" with us.
Amazing what you learn from your kids when the others aren't up in their business.
Dinsy Ejotuz
Footballguy
We limit ours to 90 minutes (TV included) M-F, after relatively minor chores are done. With more time available on the weekend. Once it's done we collect the devices. That's not really strict or anything, but it does put limits on it.El Floppo said:
It's amazing what they get into once you make them (good and bad).
MAC_32
Footballguy
Comforting seeing a lot of our 'unusual' rules also being followed by those in here. I (sorta) took to minimalism several years ago and we have utilized some of those concepts towards parenting.
*Our 9 year old is just now staying up past 9 o clock. And he's aware that we will decide bedtime when school starts again. Our 3 and 6 year old's get in pajamas between 8 and 8:30, how many stories they get depend on a number of factors. But they're in bed with the light off before 9 almost every night. If any of them get up before 7 they aren't to leave their room unless we're also up. Encourages them to go back to sleep if they wake up early - since there's nothing for them to do and we have their kindle's programmed to not allow them to do anything on them until 7.
*Speaking of kindle's - the limit's are set to 90 mins when we're not there. We loosen them when we are there, depending on what we're doing that day. But without notice will turn them all off when we decide it's time. They're to stay in their bedrooms or living room - but not if we have company. And absolutely not at breakfast/lunch/dinner. We never let any of them use our phones and despite our oldest's best efforts his best case scenario is one of those cheap prepaid phones for emergency use only sometime in the near future. I don't know if we can get by with just that until he can work and get his own, but that's my goal. He's fought us about what his friends are allowed a couple of times, but not recently. Probably because we told him we don't care what his friends are allowed.
*We intentionally only have 2 TV's - one in the basement and one in our bedroom. As we've upgraded we've just given away the old ones rather than finding another place for it. If either of us decide we're taking the basement tv then we take it and they get nothing. This is usually only applicable during football season and sometime in evenings though. For kids that aren't used to this I imagine 'who gets it' would be an issue, but since they've grown accustomed to it it hasn't been one.
*We don't have activity rules (yet) but we certainly go through waves of high activity - we are sure to follow up those high tides with low ones though. Life had been chaotic from mid-April until last week, but we intentionally didn't schedule much between then and vacation in June. Give them a chance to reset then make a plan for the rest of summer. There will be a camp at some point, but not more than one. Lots of day-to-day activities available (especially at the library) that don't require advanced planning, so we can more easily follow ebbs and flows.
*My wife and I have own flaws, like everyone else. I'm on my phone way too much, but only at home. The last few years I've really focused on never being on it when I'm out, turning all notifications but messaging off, and keeping it on silent. It's worked because it's gone so far that it's led to a couple of spats with the Mrs. because she was trying to contact me and I admittedly took hours to reply. Good with the bad though. Plan for now is to trim up the at-home phone usage during the day. Morning and night are fine, but after coffee is done put the damn thing down until after kids are in bed.
Anyway, I've ran-on enough. Would love to read other experiences though.
*Our 9 year old is just now staying up past 9 o clock. And he's aware that we will decide bedtime when school starts again. Our 3 and 6 year old's get in pajamas between 8 and 8:30, how many stories they get depend on a number of factors. But they're in bed with the light off before 9 almost every night. If any of them get up before 7 they aren't to leave their room unless we're also up. Encourages them to go back to sleep if they wake up early - since there's nothing for them to do and we have their kindle's programmed to not allow them to do anything on them until 7.
*Speaking of kindle's - the limit's are set to 90 mins when we're not there. We loosen them when we are there, depending on what we're doing that day. But without notice will turn them all off when we decide it's time. They're to stay in their bedrooms or living room - but not if we have company. And absolutely not at breakfast/lunch/dinner. We never let any of them use our phones and despite our oldest's best efforts his best case scenario is one of those cheap prepaid phones for emergency use only sometime in the near future. I don't know if we can get by with just that until he can work and get his own, but that's my goal. He's fought us about what his friends are allowed a couple of times, but not recently. Probably because we told him we don't care what his friends are allowed.
*We intentionally only have 2 TV's - one in the basement and one in our bedroom. As we've upgraded we've just given away the old ones rather than finding another place for it. If either of us decide we're taking the basement tv then we take it and they get nothing. This is usually only applicable during football season and sometime in evenings though. For kids that aren't used to this I imagine 'who gets it' would be an issue, but since they've grown accustomed to it it hasn't been one.
*We don't have activity rules (yet) but we certainly go through waves of high activity - we are sure to follow up those high tides with low ones though. Life had been chaotic from mid-April until last week, but we intentionally didn't schedule much between then and vacation in June. Give them a chance to reset then make a plan for the rest of summer. There will be a camp at some point, but not more than one. Lots of day-to-day activities available (especially at the library) that don't require advanced planning, so we can more easily follow ebbs and flows.
*My wife and I have own flaws, like everyone else. I'm on my phone way too much, but only at home. The last few years I've really focused on never being on it when I'm out, turning all notifications but messaging off, and keeping it on silent. It's worked because it's gone so far that it's led to a couple of spats with the Mrs. because she was trying to contact me and I admittedly took hours to reply. Good with the bad though. Plan for now is to trim up the at-home phone usage during the day. Morning and night are fine, but after coffee is done put the damn thing down until after kids are in bed.
Anyway, I've ran-on enough. Would love to read other experiences though.
Ned
Footballguy
One thing to add to this:
Dinner together at the table every night. I don't care what the circumstances are, we always make it a point to eat dinner together. It's a sacred time for us. When we have kids' friends spending the night, they get told right away that dinner is together. No TV on. Put your phone away. It's time to eat and chat about whatever.
ETA: Totally on board with the early bed. Our 12 and 10 year olds start the bed time routine at 8:30. They usually read or study soccer player cards (my 10yr old is ridiculous with this) until they fall asleep. The number of parents that let their kids dictate the bed time routine, let them sleep with them, etc just blows me away.
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wikkidpissah
Footballguy
the kids are supposed to be the ones doing the worrying. they're gonna think your parenting is #### no matter what you do. they will also grow up with the same parent issues that Boomers had and GenXers had and Millenials have. and they'll be right
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MAC_32
Footballguy
I'm envious of those that consistently do this. If we're all home then this is exactly what we do. But all too frequently that wouldn't be until sometime after 8 pm, which only creates other problems. My wife is usually home, so she will have a formal dinner with whoever is there that night but that number is usually 3 give or take. This week is a pleasant break from the norm though. Barring something unforeseen it'll be a complete family meal every day this week. I don't think that's happened since sometime in winter.
El Floppo
Footballguy
this is sadly the same for us too. I'm rarely home for dinner with the three of them- would like to make it otherwise.
my wife's family used to all stop what they were doing and stand/sit at the table while dad ate when he got home later. that kind of freaks me out.
my dad got home at 6 every night, so we did dinner together every night.
El Floppo
Footballguy
I agree that no matter what we do, we're going to screw up our kids.
and there's always been some new technology getting in the way of kids' time.
but smart phones and tablets... woof. it's a problem for all of us- but at least I had a lifetime of experience living without them that my kids don't have. definitely shaping who they are in plenty of bad- and good- ways that are completely different than TV/radio/sticks/whatever did previously.
wikkidpissah
Footballguy
Hate to lecture - i'm not only not a troll but perhaps the FFAer with the most clinical experience & expertise dealing w the results of wrong parenting - but my first point ("duty") in this thread may be the most important word any modern parent can hear.
The dirty secret of parenting is that the thing children most want to do is is please others - parents, siblings, adults, kids, in that order. Because they don't think they can and it's not cool for anyone else to know that, a labyrinth of defense mechanisms are created (running to tech is just the latest, not the worst) to protect autonomy. Indulging defense mechanisms is delusional, yet it's what the modern parent most does. Indulge the 'pleasing' motive with specific, uncontrived duties (which is why farms and other family businesses are the best child-raising milieu) that a child is invisible each day until he executes, and management of all other systems will track. Simple as that.
General Malaise
Footballguy
I'm sorry, but no. What sort of a lesson is that? You make a commitment to a team and then just skip practice for downtime? That's a terrible lesson to impart on your children. I have NO problem if Sophie doesn't want to play soccer - simply don't sign up. But this is the parenting advice being dispensed in this article? Get the F outta here with that.
Buck Bradcanon
Footballguy
. for later. Thanks for the link.
belljr
Footballguy
meh i was big against screens for awhile. I watched a ton of tv growing up - same thing imo.
She gets great grades, has tons of outside activities. She wants to come home and watch whatever for a couple hours so be it...
Sometimes she draws
eta: she's almost 14. I'd say we "let up" around 12ish
She gets great grades, has tons of outside activities. She wants to come home and watch whatever for a couple hours so be it...
Sometimes she draws
eta: she's almost 14. I'd say we "let up" around 12ish
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parasaurolophus
Footballguy
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Buck Bradcanon
Footballguy
MAC_32
Footballguy
My only experiencing from the coaching side is track/cross country, but kids miss practice due to other commitments all the time. We have no problem with it. We actually kinda encourage it, depending on the circumstances. Too much in one day or day-after-day is counter productive to their development, especially if the other commitment is another sport. The two things we stressed with those parents were #1 that if their kid intended to be on a relay team then they cannot miss those practices. If they do then they're in individual events only. And #2 that their performance is directly tied to what they do in practice. It's on your discretion to manage their workload and a missed practice or two across three months isn't going to impact their end of season performance. But once it becomes habit it (probably) will.
General Malaise
Footballguy
Couple of things here - missing practice because you have other obligations is one thing; just not going because the kid needs 'downtime' is another. I've coached soccer for 11 years now and have coached other sports as well. Generally we get one to two practices a week. I never had a problem with a kid missing because he/she had piano, or scouts or paqour (sp?) and told the parents their kids' playing time would not be altered whatsoever because they missed for those reasons. But simply not showing up because you don't want to practice or need 'downtime'? That's crap. That's teaching your children to be unreliable and not honoring a commitment. Plus, why spend money if you're not going to let your kid practice with the team?
MAC_32
Footballguy
I can think of at least a few occasions in which one of our kids shouldn't have come to practice. Could tell that they were burned out. From what? May be my business, may not. But them being there wasn't doing them any good. They needed rest. That day that's what would be most effective for them.
Now, a learning opportunity may come from that. Managing their workload up to that point. Because not doing so is why they were fried by the time they got to the track that day. But sometimes rest is the best thing one can do to optimize performance later.
