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bucksoh

Chores for teenagers.(step children)

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Just want others ideas for appropriate chores for teenagers.  He is a 17 year old stepson.  Who refuses to wash dishes or put them in the dishwasher and take out trash.  That is all.

Is this asking to much?  Do parents not give their children chores any more? 

All I get from him is his other friends don't have to do chores why should he.  Which I tell him he's our kid and what were asking him to do is not a lot and were trying to prepare him for when he moves out.(graduates from H.S.)  

He use to do chores but when he turned 17 then the crazy factor set in.  He has assaulted me 2x over me asking him to do his chores so are we asking to much of this kid?   Any input appreciated!

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Stop giving him food.  Then he can't dirty any dishes.

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Have sex with his mom.

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8 minutes ago, bucksoh said:

He has assaulted me 2x

Why is he still allowed to live in your house?

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His dad is bipolar and I think once he turned 17 his kicked in.  Trying to convince the wife to take everything out of his room electronics wise in hopes that this would help or he would move out.  Either one is fine with me

 

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In all seriousness, you got bigger issues here than chores.  To answer your initial question, my kids (16 and 15) do dishes, empty dishwasher, cut the grass, clean toilets, do their own laundry, and other odd jobs as asked.  Your situation does not sound like it is about chores.  His behaviors have clearly changed and he gets fired up to the point of assaulting you?  You may need to get the assistance of a counselor...or the cops if he continues to assault you.

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Just now, [scooter] said:

Why is he still allowed to live in your house?

We foster and if I call the police it is possible for us to lose our foster licsense sp.

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2 minutes ago, bucksoh said:

We foster and if I call the police it is possible for us to lose our foster licsense sp.

Seems like there is more to this story that we aren't being told.

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If kids don't do chores the lose privileges.  Allowance?  Car?  Electronics?   Sports?  

I.e. get rid of anything beyond food and shelter.  

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Posted (edited)
9 minutes ago, bucksoh said:

His dad is bipolar and I think once he turned 17 his kicked in.

 

Kind of a casual way to toss this out there, like it's just a small speed bump on the way to the behaviors you want him to improve while living under your roof.

If you have real reason to believe that he has mental health issues or some sort of disorder, then his problems are way bigger than not wanting to do chores and you're taking an extremely reckless and short-term view on this. He needs to see doctors and psychologists if you really think you're seeing a massive swing in behavior patterns that isn't normal for teenagers. 

You said in another post you want to take away his electronics so he'll improve or move out, and either were equally fine with you. Meanwhile, you seem to think he's bipolar or something similar. I realize you're dealing with a pain in the ### teenager, and I don't know your situation. It seems he's your step child, how long have you been in his life? Your attitude over this seems extremely cold, if your amateur diagnosis of his mental issues are anywhere in the ballpark of correct. 

Not to be harsh, but it doesn't sound like you're overly concerned about this kid. It sounds like you're tolerating him until he moves out because you are with his mom, and right now, he's an inconvenience. I'm not a step parent so maybe it's unfair to judge, but any kid deserves better than that from the adults in his life. 

Edited by ConnSKINS26
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Kick his ### or kick him out IMO.

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2 minutes ago, Bucky86 said:

Kick his ### or kick him out IMO.

 

He thinks the kid has a mental health disorder. It goes a little deeper than this.

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2 minutes ago, ConnSKINS26 said:

 

He thinks the kid has a mental health disorder. It goes a little deeper than this.

Or a little shallower... :fishing:

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3 minutes ago, ConnSKINS26 said:

If you have real reason to believe that he has mental health issues or some sort of disorder, then his problems are way bigger than not wanting to do chores and you're taking an extremely reckless and short-term view on this. He needs to see doctors and psychologists if you really think you're seeing a massive swing in behavior patterns that isn't normal for teenagers.

I agree with this part of the post. If you really believe he has mental health issues, he should be seeing a psychologist or a counselor. Considering he's assaulted you twice over simple requests, he should be seeing one regardless of whether you think it's mental health. It's unacceptable behavior to physically assault an elder like that.

You also might want to investigate -- in some way -- whether he's into drugs or not. That's always a concern when mood swings like that are that obvious and there's been an obvious shift in attitude. He could be really hurting in that regard, too.

Either way, this isn't just going away. You really need to deal with this in some way. Best to you. 

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1 minute ago, Galileo said:

Or a little shallower... :fishing:

Possible. I'd hate to assume that though, in the case of what appears to be a frustrated parent dealing with a potentially sick kid he doesn't understand. 

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5 minutes ago, ConnSKINS26 said:

 

He thinks the kid has a mental health disorder. It goes a little deeper than this.

Right. I was mostly joking, but he titled this thread about chores. Even the worst of the typical teenager isn't assaulting someone over chores. He needs professional help for this kid.

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Did I read that right, he assaulted YOU twice? What do you mean by assault? If he hit you he shouldn't be in the house. Or he should be missing teeth.

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Tell him to start doing chores or save his money for when he moves out on his 18 th birthday to pay for his own place

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Just now, irish eyes said:

Did I read that right, he assaulted YOU twice? What do you mean by assault? If he hit you he shouldn't be in the house. Or he should be missing teeth.

 

Hey heads up--dealing with a 17 year old kid lashing out physically with a punch to the mouth isn't legal, and imo at least isn't how parenting should be done. You're talking a big (awful) game here but I can't really believe that you think knocking out your 17 year old kid's teeth in retaliation is the right answer. You're the adult. You start punching your kids in the face, maybe you should start wondering where they got the violence-as-a-solution-to-a-problem thing from--it's probably you. 

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11 minutes ago, ConnSKINS26 said:

 

Kind of a casual way to toss this out there, like it's just a small speed bump on the way to the behaviors you want him to improve while living under your roof.

If you have real reason to believe that he has mental health issues or some sort of disorder, then his problems are way bigger than not wanting to do chores and you're taking an extremely reckless and short-term view on this. He needs to see doctors and psychologists if you really think you're seeing a massive swing in behavior patterns that isn't normal for teenagers. 

You said in another post you want to take away his electronics so he'll improve or move out, and either were equally fine with you. Meanwhile, you seem to think he's bipolar or something similar. I realize you're dealing with a pain in the ### teenager, and I don't know your situation. It seems he's your step child, how long have you been in his life? Your attitude over this seems extremely cold, if your amateur diagnosis of his mental issues are anywhere in the ballpark of correct. 

Not to be harsh, but it doesn't sound like you're overly concerned about this kid. It sounds like you're tolerating him until he moves out because you are with his mom, and right now, he's an inconvenience. I'm not a step parent so maybe it's unfair to judge, but any kid deserves better than that from the adults in his life. 

Been in his life 15 years and has been seeing Drs and psychologists since I've been in his life.  He has been on every medication that is age appriopriate ( sp).  I have a short term view because as soon as he graduates he is out of my house I have dealt with it long enough and his mom is sick of it too.  Finally my wife agrees.

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17 minutes ago, Galileo said:

Or a little shallower... :fishing:

I don't even know what this means.

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1 minute ago, ConnSKINS26 said:

 

Hey heads up--dealing with a 17 year old kid lashing out physically with a punch to the mouth isn't legal, and imo at least isn't how parenting should be done. You're talking a big (awful) game here but I can't really believe that you think knocking out your 17 year old kid's teeth in retaliation is the right answer. You're the adult. You start punching your kids in the face, maybe you should start wondering where they got the violence-as-a-solution-to-a-problem thing from--it's probably you. 

Good point, I just cant see him standing there being hit by this kid and nothing being done.i would leave or he would leave, that's just way beyond chore issues.

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Is his biological father in his life?

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2 minutes ago, bucksoh said:

Been in his life 15 years and has been seeing Drs and psychologists since I've been in his life.  He has been on every medication that is age appriopriate ( sp).  I have a short term view because as soon as he graduates he is out of my house I have dealt with it long enough and his mom is sick of it too.  Finally my wife agrees.

 

Ah, so it's actually been confirmed by doctors and therapists that he has issues. 

So this isn't about chores at all. Kinda buried the lede there. 

Good luck. This has way too many dynamic angles for most of us to help you with advice. He needs medical help, obviously, and to accept that. Getting a teenager to accept anything is tough, even one with "normal" brain function. 

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Posted (edited)
24 minutes ago, Bucky86 said:

Right. I was mostly joking, but he titled this thread about chores. Even the worst of the typical teenager isn't assaulting someone over chores. He needs professional help for this kid.

This kid has gotten help he has been in therapy most of his life he was mostly tolerable until 16 at 17  he changed which physchologists wont even diagnose a kid until 18.  At least all the ones we have been too.

Edited by bucksoh

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Just now, ConnSKINS26 said:

 

Ah, so it's actually been confirmed by doctors and therapists that he has issues. 

So this isn't about chores at all. Kinda buried the lede there. 

Good luck. This has way too many dynamic angles for most of us to help you with advice. He needs medical help, obviously, and to accept that. Getting a teenager to accept anything is tough, even one with "normal" brain function. 

Yeah would have been good to hear this earlier.  You can try but at this point I would be counting down the time for him to be moving out.  And help him do that as quickly as possible

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Posted (edited)
17 minutes ago, ConnSKINS26 said:

 

Hey heads up--dealing with a 17 year old kid lashing out physically with a punch to the mouth isn't legal, and imo at least isn't how parenting should be done. You're talking a big (awful) game here but I can't really believe that you think knocking out your 17 year old kid's teeth in retaliation is the right answer. You're the adult. You start punching your kids in the face, maybe you should start wondering where they got the violence-as-a-solution-to-a-problem thing from--it's probably you. 

I have never punched the kid yet.  I did restrain him by choking him until he calmed down this last time but that was because he was elbowing and punching me and breaking things.  He is 6ft 4 225lbs.  Also I wanted to call the cops this last time but cops are corrupt and stupid around here and my wife is afraid it will back fire.  And she'll lose her foster care liscense.

Edited by bucksoh

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Posted (edited)
11 minutes ago, rockaction said:

Is his biological father in his life?

Yes.  he's never had a job, he is a druggie and bipolar.  Although he is on S.S. which is a crock of crap.

Edited by bucksoh

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Just now, bucksoh said:

Yes.  he's never had a job, he is a druggie and bipolar. 

Oof. Not sure what to tell you about that, then. Thanks for answering. 

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7 minutes ago, bucksoh said:

I have never punched the kid yet.  I did restrain him by choking him until he calmed down this last time but that was because he was elbowing and punching me and breaking things.  He is 6ft 4 225lbs.

That response was quoting someone else, not you. 

I don't know if this helps you to hear, but sometimes (many times) it takes years for someone with mental health issues to find the right mixture of medication, treatment, etc. to act and live "normally". Years. If you're lucky, some day he'll be a productive part of your family's life and aware of how lucky he is that this stage is past. 

Some people are never lucky enough to figure it out and never find the right cocktail of help they need. I hope your step son does. 

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1 minute ago, ConnSKINS26 said:

That response was quoting someone else, not you. 

I don't know if this helps you to hear, but sometimes (many times) it takes years for someone with mental health issues to find the right mixture of medication, treatment, etc. to act and live "normally". Years. If you're lucky, some day he'll be a productive part of your family's life and aware of how lucky he is that this stage is past. 

Some people are never lucky enough to figure it out and never find the right cocktail of help they need. I hope your step son does. 

Yes I know.  I was just putting it out there that I have not hit him yet.  But my patience is wearing thin so the next time I might be going to jail.  Here is too hoping I don't though.

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27 minutes ago, ConnSKINS26 said:
32 minutes ago, bucksoh said:

Been in his life 15 years and has been seeing Drs and psychologists since I've been in his life.  He has been on every medication that is age appriopriate ( sp).  I have a short term view because as soon as he graduates he is out of my house I have dealt with it long enough and his mom is sick of it too.  Finally my wife agrees.

Ah, so it's actually been confirmed by doctors and therapists that he has issues. 

So this isn't about chores at all. Kinda buried the lede there. 

:goodposting:

Maybe a more accurate thread title would be "Strategies To Deal With Stepson Until He Becomes The State's Problem In A Few Months".

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30 minutes ago, bucksoh said:

This kid has gotten help he has been in therapy most of his life he was mostly tolerable until 16 at 17  he changed which physchologists wont even diagnose a kid until 18.  At least all the ones we have been too.

The bolded simply isn't true. At all.

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3 minutes ago, gianmarco said:

The bolded simply isn't true. At all.

It’s so unbelievably wrong that it makes me question the validity of the entire story. 

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8 minutes ago, gianmarco said:

The bolded simply isn't true. At all.

Wtf can people not read, I said at leasts the ones we've been too.  Which is 7 over the years.

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5 minutes ago, bigmarc27 said:

It’s so unbelievably wrong that it makes me question the validity of the entire story. 

Read the whole post.

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One of my workers seems like he was going through a similar thing but i think the kid was just lazy and a few years older.

Didnt show up for work 2 days in a row and figured something was up. His gf calls me. He and her son got into an altercation at home....and son pressed charges.

Worker was in jail. Missed a few more days. I held his job. Hired laywers with money he didnt really have more court appearances and eventually kid dropped charges.

I guess the moral of the story is you may end up in jail and hopefully it doesn't cost you your job aa well

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4 minutes ago, comfortably numb said:

One of my workers seems like he was going through a similar thing but i think the kid was just lazy and a few years older.

Didnt show up for work 2 days in a row and figured something was up. His gf calls me. He and her son got into an altercation at home....and son pressed charges.

Worker was in jail. Missed a few more days. I held his job. Hired laywers with money he didnt really have more court appearances and eventually kid dropped charges.

I guess the moral of the story is you may end up in jail and hopefully it doesn't cost you your job aa well

Yeah I'm trying to avoid that.

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Posted (edited)
14 minutes ago, bucksoh said:

Wtf can people not read, I said at leasts the ones we've been too.  Which is 7 over the years.

I can read just fine, thank you. I would put the chances of 7 different medical providers telling you that you can't diagnose bipolar disorder until 18 years of age at 0%.

I'd be shocked to find even 1 say that.

ETA -- The pediatric version of bipolar disorder (DMDD) can be diagnosed as early as 6 years of age, if I'm not mistaken.

Edited by gianmarco

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Posted (edited)
7 minutes ago, gianmarco said:

I can read just fine, thank you. I would put the chances of 7 different medical providers telling you that you can't diagnose bipolar disorder until 18 years of age at 0%.

I'd be shocked to find even 1 say that.

Well you would be wrong then.   Cause we went to seven.  They all said the same thing.   I've said in the past that I don't write well which is why I don't post much but I clearly state the ones we have been to.

Edited by bucksoh

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His father collected it for years.  Then my wife took him to court over it.  Now she get's that money.

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Posted (edited)
19 hours ago, Long Ball Larry said:

You can get SS as a minor?

Yes.  I'll have to find out but I think she gets $700 a month. 

Edited by bucksoh
It's actually 600

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3 minutes ago, comfortably numb said:

Did you say he was moving out at 18?

Once he graduates H.S.   Then he is being kicked out.

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4 minutes ago, bucksoh said:

Once he graduates H.S.   Then he is being kicked out.

Ah

If that is 100% id do my best to avoid confrontation and let him be. I wouldn't care if he didnt shower for 3 weeks...buy paper plates... whatever

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8 hours ago, bucksoh said:
8 hours ago, gianmarco said:

I can read just fine, thank you. I would put the chances of 7 different medical providers telling you that you can't diagnose bipolar disorder until 18 years of age at 0%.

I'd be shocked to find even 1 say that.

Well you would be wrong then.   Cause we went to seven.  They all said the same thing.   I've said in the past that I don't write well which is why I don't post much but I clearly state the ones we have been to.

Maybe you should go to a competent doctor.

Also, I'm willing to bet that most of the medications he's been on are not recommended for children.

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Being a step parent can be very difficult, more so than many people can even understand.  My wife doesn't believe in having chores for her kids as she grew up with bad parents who made her and her brother do literally everything.  She doesn't want her kids to go through  that.  So no, my step kids don't have chores.  Bugs the #### out of me.  I try to explain to her how having chores can better prepare a kid for life, but it goes in one ear and out the other.

Although, the step kids will do stuff if I ask, but they have no dedicated chores.  They've never assaulted me, and if they did I would think twice about staying in the relationship;.

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