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Odd Statistics on Your Life (1 Viewer)

Gary Coal Man

Gary Coal Man

Footballguy
Pretend you die today.  Your soul floats up to heaven, but it’s a particularly busy day with deaths so there’s a backlog at the pearly gates to get in.  You’re looking at an hour plus wait so an angel flys by and hands out some reading for those in line.  It’s a pamphlet with your accrued life statistics that the omniscient God has compiled on you.  It has stats about your life like the following ones on me:

- 10,006 hours posting useless stuff on Footballguys

- 1 time, 10 total weeks in a bodycast 

-  342 times riding your rowing machine in just your underwear

- 4003 total masturbation sessions

What odd accrued statistics about YOUR life would such a pamphlet contain?

 
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Chaka said:
4,003 seems low.
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Honestly, now that I stopped and and actually thought about It that number does seem low.  Real low.

It’s pretty interesting when you truly analyze and calculate how many times you do routine things.  The numbers add up quick.

 
DaVinci said:
Albino skunks owned - 1
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This goes well with the squirrel.

For me:

Sea Monkeys = God only knows

Brown Recluses  = about 100 over the years.

Fish = lots

Lizards = 10 or so

Snakes = 10 or so

Toads = 7 or so

Snails = 5 or so

Cats = about 5

Hamsters = about 5

Rabbits = 2

Black Widows = 2

Scorpions = 2

Dogs = 1

Rock = 1

 
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McDonald's Hamburgers consumed = 0

(Roy Rogers is actually the only fast food hamburger I have ever eaten, and the total count of them is less than 5)

 
Number of times I've been abducted by aliens.

Zero (0) that I know about. But if it turns out that it's happened one or more times. That would really be an interesting statistic. 

 
Gary Coal Man said:
My wife claims to have never seen a single episode of Star Wars, and I find both her claim and your claim to be unfathomable and, more importantly, unAmerican.
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Nice!

That reminds me. I'm one of the few who has never seen It's a Wonderful Life. 

 
Gary Coal Man said:
My brother shot an arrow at me once, but it sailed high and went through the back window of the school bus I just debarked.  The furious driver came sprinting off the bus and chased my shocked brother into the woods.  Fun times.

Are you familiar with the Danish archer Lars Anderson?  One of the more incredible videos on YouTube.
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Yeah I know who he is.  There's mixed reactions on him in the archery world.  I come from the modern side of the sport and find him a little annoying, but that doesn't take away some of the amazing stuff he can do with a stick and string.

 
What song i listened to the most times in my life.

Lifetime number of fillings done.

Agree on the pounds of poop and numbers of times i torqued one out.

Number of AA batteries used

 
I did some estimating and made a spreadsheet.  

9,084 times masturbated

378 hours of porn watched as motivation

193 total miles of peen stroked 

76 gallons of "product"

5.448E+12 potential children wasted/aborted

 
Amount of surgical mesh in body:  about 25 square inches

Tendons repaired by baseball-type stitch:  one

 
Ditkaless Wonders said:
Times last rights received-2, non at my request.
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I don't mean to be an ###, but ... wait ... I prolly do ...

Regardless, neither of these can really be considered last rights ... am I wrong?

EDIT: I never received even almost last rites/nearly last rites/right next to last rites/etc

 
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Last rights are a specific Catholic sacrament, one of 7 if I recall, Baptism, first confession, first communion, confirmation, marriage, ordination, and last rights.  As with all things Catholic it is a very specific thing.  Now of course it does presume you will die but it is basically a last opportunity to confess and the usual penance after is foregone.  Then one receives communion if one is able.  Nothing like some transubstantiated Jesus to help one pass to the other side. It is not, to my understanding, a prayer for the dead but for the apparently dying.  Now I may have this wrong as I am not a member of that faith, or any organized faith, but my parents are and this was done for them more than for me and I was unable to stop it, lacking the strength at those times to even communicate.

I do note I was raised in that faith up to Confirmation but left almost immediately thereafter.

 
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Ditkaless Wonders said:
Last rights are a specific Catholic sacrament, one of 7 if I recall, Baptism, first confession, first communion, confirmation, marriage, ordination, and last rights.  As with all things Catholic it is a very specific thing.  Now of course it does presume you will die but it is basically a last opportunity to confess and the usual penance after is foregone.  Then one receives communion if one is able.  Nothing like some transubstantiated Jesus to help one pass to the other side. It is not, to my understanding, a prayer for the dead but for the apparently dying.  Now I may have this wrong as I am not a member of that faith, or any organized faith, but my parents are and this was done for them more than for me and I was unable to stop it, lacking the strength at those times to even communicate.

I do note I was raised in that faith up to Confirmation but left almost immediately thereafter.
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Yeah. I left the Catholic Church once I graduated hs. I actually "left" earlier, but still attended cath hs - so.

I think I made it through Confirmation as well - then no more.

I can't explain any more than you state here on the sacraments - 7 sounds right.

Nice explanation.

 
Man of Constant Sorrow said:
Yeah. I left the Catholic Church once I graduated hs. I actually "left" earlier, but still attended cath hs - so.

I think I made it through Confirmation as well - then no more.

I can't explain any more than you state here on the sacraments - 7 sounds right.

Nice explanation.
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I seem to recall a prayer for the sick and dying as well that is often ministered but is not considered a sacrament.  Its all pretty hazy for me.  If there is to be a discussion on such matters we may want a member of the faith in good standing with the Lord and the Church to represent the church.

 
Companies I've worked for: 2

Years I've worked: 29

"Seasons" I've coached youth sports: 28

Dwellings I have lived in: 4

 
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