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Sleepovers (1 Viewer)

glvsav37

Footballguy
Whats the collective FFA take on their kid's and sleepovers?

I freaking hate them and am getting so sick of constantly being asked from/for my kids to 'sleepover.' I dont understand the need to sleepover, see each other during normal hanging out hours and then go home. 

I have a 13 year old girl and a 9 year old boy.

Full transparency, most of it stems from my daughter and her cousin. They are the same age and the cousin is constantly asking for my daughter to have a sleepover. Here's the thing, I despise how my SIL runs her house. Its a free for all all the time, she has an older sister that has bunches of kid I dont know over all the time, and frankly, she's got 3 kids and 2 of them have some psychological issues which causes one to be on meds and the other to be home schooled b/c they cant cope with other people.
Honestly I don't want my daughter in those situations and esp as she gets older I want to be able to control her whereabouts the best I can. And it starts with NOT making sleepovers a weekly thing.

Just today I told my daughter that there will be no talk of sleepovers and sure enough, the cousin is hounding my wife "but why?' "I want [daughter] to sleep over" "How come not?" endlessly (I was not there).  

But the problem is that my wifes whole family is on my SIL side and keep asking her 'why cant you letter her sleep over" 

1. Because I said so...so F you for trying to under mind my judgment and 
2. that house is flippin crazy. But how do I say that without causing WW3?

To compound the problem, one of my daughters other friends is having a sleepover birthday party that my daughter is invited to next weekend. I have no issue with this b/c its a PARTY, the parents are home monitoring everything and not a random thing. But now thats thrown in our face as "well you are letting her sleep there..." 

I'm ready to blow my top. 

 
My younger two are 13 (boy) and 11 (girl). It’s always a tricky situation with kids sleeping over - could you have the cousin sleep at your house so you can supervise?

 
I hate sleepovers. You get to that point where you have to weigh out your kid going to house that maybe you don't want her going to vs. you having someone in your house at night and you don't sleep.

Now when we have had kids over, we try and do it up well for them. We order a lot of takeout, get a ton of snack foods and we let the kids PPV whatever they want (obviously within reason),  but I just do not sleep well when I hear people running up and down the stairs all hours of the night. 

The times we have done it, I get up and cook a big breakfast for the girls the next morning. I let my wife be the front-line of contact as we have two teenage daughters and those sleep overs don't need to have a creepy middle-aged guy interjecting himself in the mix. 

What is interesting is when my kids come home from sleepovers, they always comment on how filthy or unorganized the other houses are. My 15 year old had one a couple years ago at a friend's place and she just was shocked that the family ate dinner at like 9:00 pm and everyone competed in how loud they could belch or fart.  We knew those parents from school only. The mom was one of those that had a different hair color each time I saw her and was really into the skate scene, but overall our impression was they were good people--they just turned out to be slobs. 

 
I like when my kids sleepover at someone else’s house. Not a fan of other kids sleeping over at my house. 
This.  My oldest boy (10) is the only one that has gone to other kids houses or had friends over.  Love getting him out of the house but we still have 8 and 6 year old boys so never get the house to ourselves (unless we send them over to grandmas).  As far as having his friends over I don’t mind once in awhile but usually see it as an inconvenience 

back to the OPs point though I trust the parents of the houses we send him to, there’s other friends of his that I would not allow.  So I’d say use your best judgment

i will say that as a kid it seemed like I was either sleeping over or having friends over my house damn near every weekend

 
Why does it have to be every week? And why can't you set some parameters about no other kids you don't know being there when your kid sleeps over?

Other than that...imo it's a healthy way for your kid to grow up and stretch herself.

 
I dont expect to be comfortable with them, but I also remember how much fun they were as a kid. Even when we got caught doing stupid ####. It's how you learn though. 

Need to give them the opportunity to make mistakes. They either dont or are then in a position to learn from them. 

 
Hate it as it knocks out what would normally be a no question sex night and I get zero sleep and can't drink.  

Edit, also kids eat nothing but garbage and get no sleep either.  

I've gotten credit for sleepover post bar/botmitzvas which are about as harmless as you can get and you might be able to squeeze a dot off before pickup.  

 
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Honestly I don't want my daughter in those situations and esp as she gets older I want to be able to control her whereabouts the best I can. And it starts with NOT making sleepovers a weekly thing.
What message are you sending?  That you don't trust her?  That everywhere else is scary?  That she can't ever learn to have any control?  What happens when she goes to college?  She'll have no clue on how to handle anything at all.  Also, if you control too much, what you'll likely end up with is more rebellion in high school than you can believe.

Is this more about your experience than hers?  And how is she to learn to handle somewhat less than optimal situations?  Not that she has to go over to her cousin's house.  The cousin can come to hers.

1. Because I said so...so F you for trying to under mind my judgment
You are pretty much undermining your own judgment here.  Instead of picking and chosing which sleepovers are okay, you banned the lot.  That's not using any judgment at all.  Since she can see other kids doing this, having fun, and with no problems, she has to be wondering what the hell is going on here.  It's not that I disagree that the SIL's house may not be okay for her to stay at;  it's that no one's house is.  You can negotiate this with your wife.  Tell her the truth.

Sleepovers are a part of how your kids expand their knowledge and experience of the world in a safe way.  They learn how to separate from their parents in a good way, which is the goal here.

Good luck.

 
I don't have a problem with sleepovers as long as you trust the environment where your child will be.  They are fun for the kids and sort of a rite of passage...gives them a tiny taste of freedom.  My wife is a lot more protective/strict than I am in this regard.  She was always against sleepovers, but eventually loosened up a little bit after a couple of sleepover events with people we knew well.   My boys are now 17 and 15.  We should probably be more worried about them now that they are older than when they were younger!

 
My daughter calls them wakeovers. My kids are 7 and 10 and have only done them with sane cousins and grandma. My kids do 2 or 3 a summer and haven't done one during the school year yet.

I would try to limit the exposure to a crazy household as much as possible, maybe once a month or a season. Perhaps your niece needs a bit on sanity from your daughter.

 
I don't have a problem with sleepovers as long as you trust the environment where your child will be.  They are fun for the kids and sort of a rite of passage...gives them a tiny taste of freedom.  My wife is a lot more protective/strict than I am in this regard.  She was always against sleepovers, but eventually loosened up a little bit after a couple of sleepover events with people we knew well.   My boys are now 17 and 15.  We should probably be more worried about them now that they are older than when they were younger!
This some kind of relativity schtick?

 
I don't have a problem with sleepovers as long as you trust the environment where your child will be.  They are fun for the kids and sort of a rite of passage...gives them a tiny taste of freedom.  My wife is a lot more protective/strict than I am in this regard.  She was always against sleepovers, but eventually loosened up a little bit after a couple of sleepover events with people we knew well.   My boys are now 17 and 15.  We should probably be more worried about them now that they are older than when they were younger!
This some kind of relativity schtick?
The older they get the bigger the possible trouble they might get in. How many of us snuck out as a group when we were teenagers on a sleepover?

 
Sleepovers for me as a kid was like a vacation. Loved em and I had freedom as a kid but I just lived the different environment.  Maybe also because I didn't have a brother and my sister was 9 years older.

My kids have tons of sleepovers. My daughter  (13) went to a friends house friday night to sleepover as we had a Halloween party Saturday around 4pm she shows up with her friend and I'm like yo! What's up welcome back shes like I'm coming to get more close. I'm sleeping at Charley's again....alrighty then.

When we have them here it's fun as well. Kids are up all night. I may make a fire in the yard and they can hang outback. I make pancakes and other breakfast in the morning. 

We have said no plenty of times as well. Sometimes we dont want that level of interaction with said kid.

I like seeing my kids experience other things and other family dynamics.  I'm sure they have a ball. I like hearing that they're so nice and polite and not the dooshes they can be at my house.

 
i feel you, but right now Halloween is the most ridiculous nonsense that there is.  seems to create year-long drama for my daughter every year now.

 
Sleepovers for me as a kid was like a vacation. Loved em and I had freedom as a kid but I just lived the different environment.  Maybe also because I didn't have a brother and my sister was 9 years older.

My kids have tons of sleepovers. My daughter  (13) went to a friends house friday night to sleepover as we had a Halloween party Saturday around 4pm she shows up with her friend and I'm like yo! What's up welcome back shes like I'm coming to get more close. I'm sleeping at Charley's again....alrighty then.

When we have them here it's fun as well. Kids are up all night. I may make a fire in the yard and they can hang outback. I make pancakes and other breakfast in the morning. 

We have said no plenty of times as well. Sometimes we dont want that level of interaction with said kid.

I like seeing my kids experience other things and other family dynamics.  I'm sure they have a ball. I like hearing that they're so nice and polite and not the dooshes they can be at my house.
This is pretty much us with our 13 yr old daughter. There have been certain households we did not want her to spend the night at, and there have been a few very annoying friends we did  not love having over, but it is a positive to learn to adapt to different rules.  She now has a set of friends where they will rotate. Great to have a night just with the wife.

regarding the OP... very tricky with it being family and them wanting to know why. Maybe let them know that you would like more balance for your children to promote more family time together.  You can categorize the other sleepover as a special occasion.

 
I know you said the house is crazy but is the mother at least around?

This thread has me thinking back to when I was a kid, and the most trouble I ever got into was when sleeping over at kids's homes who were very well-do and the parents seemed disengaged, and sometimes off in some other far area of the house that I didn't even see them the entire time I was there.  I'm talking ages 12-14.  Sneaking out at all hour of the night, drinking, smoking pot for the first time, etc.

But, those were a lot fun.

 
I'm ready to blow my top.
It sounds frustrating. We all know what it's like to be overwhelmed when stuff just keeps coming at us. Hey man, you've got a family and you're trying to do the right thing. It sounds like everyone is happy and healthy so count your blessings. Things could be worse. Just try to keep an open mind and don't let them see you sweat. As long as you can kinda "go with the flow," things with a lot of moving pieces like this tend to work themselves out. Nobody's gonna die. Even if the other place does suck, it's a huge, huge learning experience for her. And here in a few months around the holidays you'll look back on this having learned something yourself, too.

What's with all the changes though? It sounds like this might've crept up on you too fast. Did she just get to high school or something? Sounds like a lot is coming at you all at once.

 
Sounds like the issue is more with your SIL than sleepovers. We're going to need more info (including pics, of course).

Does she actually pay attention to what the kids are up to? What specifically does she let the kids do that you wouldn't? Probably most important, where does your wife stand on this?

 
The older they get the bigger the possible trouble they might get in. How many of us snuck out as a group when we were teenagers on a sleepover?
My wife went to a presentation at our son's new high school last week on drug/alcohol issues.  One thing the guy said was - no more sleepovers.  That surprised us because both our kids love sleepovers, here and at their friends, and we've never given it a second thought.  We know all the kids and parents pretty well and have no concerns.  This guy's point was, they're 14 now, they need sleep, and only bad things can happen.  He said let them watch a movie or whatever, then go pick them up.

 
My wife went to a presentation at our son's new high school last week on drug/alcohol issues.  One thing the guy said was - no more sleepovers.  That surprised us because both our kids love sleepovers, here and at their friends, and we've never given it a second thought.  We know all the kids and parents pretty well and have no concerns.  This guy's point was, they're 14 now, they need sleep, and only bad things can happen.  He said let them watch a movie or whatever, then go pick them up.
I'm sure the dude has good solid reasons but 14...they are 4 years away from living on a campus 867 miles away. I'd like my kids to have a decent taste of freedom  and how to use it at that point.

Not saying sleepovers will prevent kids from doing stupid regrettable stuff as a freshman in college but I like to think it gives them a small amount of preperation and accountability.

 
My wife went to a presentation at our son's new high school last week on drug/alcohol issues.  One thing the guy said was - no more sleepovers.  That surprised us because both our kids love sleepovers, here and at their friends, and we've never given it a second thought.  We know all the kids and parents pretty well and have no concerns.  This guy's point was, they're 14 now, they need sleep, and only bad things can happen.  He said let them watch a movie or whatever, then go pick them up.
The anti-sleepover thing is stupid for the most part.  We loved them as a kid and I'm excited for my kids when they have friends over or they go to a friend's.  

 
The anti-sleepover thing is stupid for the most part.  We loved them as a kid and I'm excited for my kids when they have friends over or they go to a friend's.  
Yeah, we haven’t adopted that piece of advice. We had two buddies sleep over this weekend. I think they watched 4 straight hours of Brooklyn 99 and we made 3 huge batches of popcorn. I made almost two pounds of bacon and a dozen eggs yesterday to feed these monsters. I guess the drug/alcohol guy was pretty good and that particular take of his stuck with us because it was unexpected. 
 

 
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I'm with you @glvsav37.  This stuff drives me nuts.  It even spills over to when the kids sleep at their grand parents house.  My sister and parents live on the same street, so we always get suckered into these "grand kids" nights.  We think of an excuse every night.  Between the 2 houses they have every gaming device possible and completely free access to the internet.  All the supervision over there pretty much turns a blind eye to anything that goes on.  My kids are boy (9) and girl (7).  Nephew is 11 and niece is 5.  My parents are so oblivious that they have an air mattress in a "movie room" that they want all the kids to sleep on when they're over.   We've caught so much #### over it the past couple of years.  

Neighborhood sleepovers are a little different.  I know the kids pretty well and their parents too.  I do offer to host the sleep over as much as possible.  I'd rather sacrifice my sleep to have everyone under my roof.  

Our rule on friends sleeping over is that if my son has a friend over than my daughter can't.  They pretty much have to take turns.   That opens up way too many scenarios I don't want to deal with.  

 
Thanks for the replies. I guess @pollardsvision and others pointed out, I have more issue with the SIL situation than actual sleepovers. There are other families in our group I would have little-to-no issue with them sleeping over their house. But they never ask (which is OK) while my niece asks all the GD time—at least every other week, if not more.

Case in point yesterday when wife took kids to MIL house, we told our daughter that we are not doing a sleepover and to not even ask, and sure as ####, my wife is trying to leave and getting the "but why?" "How come she cant sleep over" "Tomorrow is no school" and on top of that my MIL and SIL are teamed up going, "Yes, theres no school, why not?". Now she's caught in the middle of her family and me. She does not want my kid sleeping there either, but gets so sick of dealing with the BS that she just gives in sometimes to get them off her ###. 

Yes, there is a ton of family drama around my wife's family. The SIL is the only other sibling (youngest) and is still coddled. Her and her husband are the polar opposites of my wife and I and on opposite sides of the world on how we raise our kids. Theirs 100% hands off, I've never seen them discipline their kids for talking back or other behaviour things, my SIL drops the F bomb like she's a truck driver, they have no value in school and regularly let their kids stay home and all go out shopping. None of their kids are involved in any activities or sports bc my SIL thinks those things are "Stupid" (I've been there when one lid asked to play an instrument in school and she denied them). And as I said, her oldest is on psyche meds, the youngest is now being home schol b/c they don't want to deal with the school system anymore. 

Their house is 24-hour nonstop. The youngest is up till 3 am playing video games and only comes outside when he absolutely has to.  The oldest has kids over all the time and with zero supervision or authority. Case in point we there for a small family event, their oldest daughter had a group of 7 people there, mix of boys and girls and the boys were walking around with no shirts on—in the house, at a family party, in the fall, and they don't even have a pool! Not a word from my SIL, other then, "Oh they're boys, whatever" 

Meanwhile, my daughter is in a bunch of activities, both academic and sports, and we do a bunch together as a family. And we get chastised by my MIL when we do something and don't invite niece...b/c my SIL does nothing with them.  

so yea, I would not be so sour on sleepovers if I knew my kid was in a safe (enough) place, but not there. But the major problem is I have to walk a line of doing whats best for my kid and dealing with crazy family. 

 
The anti-sleepover thing is stupid for the most part.  We loved them as a kid and I'm excited for my kids when they have friends over or they go to a friend's.  
:goodposting:

i've noticed that some percentage of parents i know.. have turned in to their parents. those same people are the ones who hated their parents rules, etc. the most. but here we are 30 some odd years later and they're imposing the same dumb restrictions on their kids that caused them to grow up resenting their own parents.

it's weird

sleepovers are the best. it's an incremental and harmless increase in a kid's freedom. it's like a dry run for the next couple years when they're going to lock-ins and camp, etc. let them have their fun and try to remember what it was like being that age.. you'll feel less angry about life that way, i say.

 
Some others have mentioned that they will do group sleepovers at their house. I would be on onboard with this but it can't be every weekend, as my niece is basically asking for. 

Both my kids are in sports, just this weekend alone I was out of the house at the crack of dawn on Sat and Sunday for 7 am hockey games.

The other issue is that when we have had group sleepover, other kids have told my daughter that they don't like my niece and would prefer not to come. Shocker. 

I guess I need to steer this things into more nights at my house. But I know that I'm going to get the "Well she slept at your house X-times, how come yours cant sleep at mine now?" cross examination from my SIL/MIL 

 
sleepovers are the best. it's an incremental and harmless increase in a kid's freedom. it's like a dry run for the next couple years when they're going to lock-ins and camp, etc. let them have their fun and try to remember what it was like being that age.. you'll feel less angry about life that way, i say.
I did a ton of Lock-ins as a kid, they were always supervised and there was a lights-out policy. I'd have no issue sending my kid to one of those. 

But a sleepover at a house you don't trust is a whole other issue. 

 
Thanks for the replies. I guess @pollardsvision and others pointed out, I have more issue with the SIL situation than actual sleepovers. There are other families in our group I would have little-to-no issue with them sleeping over their house. But they never ask (which is OK) while my niece asks all the GD time—at least every other week, if not more.
you say that the SIL's house is a mess and you don't trust her with your kids.

now imagine how your SIL's daughter feels about it. might be why she wants sleepovers all the time.. could be that it's the only time mom is not a ####show. with a wacky mom, crazy household and two siblings on meds the kid may feel safer when there are other kids there to distract from the insanity or even just to pay attention to them and have what feels like a normal relationship.

kids don't have the tools or the ability ("it's my house, my rules, don't question what i say", etc.)  to express themselves in ways that adults think they might in the same situation. this might be her way of trying to protect herself.

instead of "#### you, i say so" try "here are the reasons why, here's why i feel this way and here are the ground rules for when/where" and go from there.

 
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Raised two over twenty now. Put me in the camp that feels the OP is a little too tight with this. In hindsight, I worried way too much about this stuff. I suggest he considers turning over sleepover decisions to his wife. I wish our children grew up closer to SIL's kids. With that said, this footage from his daughter's last sleepover has me second guessing my opinion.

 
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When my oldest daughter was 14 she wanted to do a sleep over.  We met the mother.  We asked around about her.  I ran her criminal history through CBI (Colorado Bureau of Investigations, a $6.80 prospect at the time if I remember.)  We allowed it.

That night, around 2:00 AM I hear a horrific clatter outside our home so I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.  I tore open the curtains and threw up the sash to look out onto the sight of a horrific crash.

Someone had smashed into my neighbors car and was actually up on it a bit.  I went out.  I see a kid leaning over and grouping my daughter in the passenger seat.  The kid was oblivious to me and to my neighbor, J.D. who had emerged in his underwear from his house.  I run to the car.  The driver does not see me but my daughter does.  I try to open the car door.  It is jammed from the wreck.  Romeo is still in full grope.  I smashed the window with my fist and hauled the kid out.  I now had his attention.  As I did I noticed the strong smell of beer and saw several beer cans strewn about the interior of the car.  J.D. shouted at me for God's sake don't kill him.  At that point I wondered, a bit, about my reaction.

Well we got Jeanie into the house and into bed.  Later we found out that the mother was a drunk, passed out, and that the kids predicted as much and were planning all along to sneak out, which they did, to a party with boys and beer.

I went back out to apologize to J.D.  He was taking things well, all things considered.  A tow truck, the cops, and the kids father arrived. When the father saw what had happened he slapped that kid into the next week.  The cops restrained him.  Eventually we all went to bed, each, it should be said, in their own home. (I know how you guys are)

Three weeks later I hear the same type of crash, but this time out back.  I run to the back of the house and look out.  Romeo is laying on his back on my deck covered in ash from the grill.  Seems he was going to scale the house to get to my daughter's bedroom window.  It also seems that a porch light will not support the weight of a kid.  It had snapped off sending him sprawling into my grill, the top of which was rolling, ever so slowly down the sidewalk making a racket and waking the neighbors.  Now to get out to the deck I have to find the key to unlock the security door.  I am naked, enraged, and fumbling through my key chain in the dark.  The kid is trying to get up but with the wind knocked out of him he was having about the same success as a turtle on its back.  About the time I am getting the door unlocked J.D. comes out, sees the kid rolling off of my deck to try to get away and he sees me come out.  He tells the kid to run into his house so that I would not kill him.  No luck for the kid as I cut off his path. He goes scurrying off into the dark and J.D. tells me I can't chase him around the neighborhood nekkid, a fair point.  I go back in, dress, and call the kid's father.  He comes over as the kid has not returned home.  We start searching the neighborhood.  We eventually find the kid under some bushes as the cops have been called to a neighbor concerned she had heard a disturbance outside and her cat was acting up.  They had located him just before we did. Their activity attracted us. This time the cops did take the father into custody when he slapped that kid silly.

The father did offer to have the kid come over in the morning to clean up the ash and to replace the porch light.  I told him that if I ever saw that kid anywhere near my house again I would kill him, the kid.  I never did.  He was 19, my daughter 14.

 
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Your 14yo daughter had a sleepover at her 19yo boyfriend's house? Who then drove her home in the middle of the night while drunk and groped her after crashing in front of your house?

I feel like I'm misreading this.

 
Your 14yo daughter had a sleepover at her 19yo boyfriend's house? Who then drove her home in the middle of the night while drunk and groped her after crashing in front of your house?

I feel like I'm misreading this.
She had a sleep over at a friends house.  They suck out to go to a party.  When it was time to leave she forgot her cover story, probably because she had been drinking.  Instead of driving back to the sleepover house she directed the guy back to her own home. It could have been that she did not know how to get back to the other home, an apartment in a very large complex. Had the other girl been with them I am confident they would have gone back there.  I am confident the other girl was off doing something untoward herself and had left my daughter with this creep.

The boy was from the party they snuck off to, not from the sleepover house.  I guess I need ot work on the clarity of my writing.

 
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I do wonder how that kid tells the story, if he tells the story.  He would be in his forties by now, likely with kids of his own.
of course he tells that story.  except in his version both him and the girl are 17 and he dusted you off with a two-piece combo before surfing away on the roof of his t-top Camaro after he shotgunned a fifth of Wild Turkey.

 
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Homecoming was Saturday and my 15 year old asked if he could have 5 of his friends sleepover.  We said 'yes' even though that meant picking them all up after the dance at 10pm on a Saturday.  The way we figure, it's probably a good sign that he wants to have his friends over.  If he was embarrassed by us or didn't want to deal with his little siblings bugging them, he wouldn't ask us.  

They stayed up playing video games and didn't make too much noise.  They all left around 11am the next morning, all of them thanked us for having them and they even cleaned up the downstairs area where they crashed.  Not bad for teenagers.  

 

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